Happy Birthday to my Dear daddy Jesus!

It was another special X'mas i had.. a xmas without alcohol, without nightlife spots.. no hardcore partying, no drunkness.. just a nice BBQ / gathering at gib's cuz's place.. it was a beautiful house and i'm thankful that we're invited. it was a simple gathering and we played games and had BBQ. But i love simple christmases :) spending time with your loved ones and remembering what christmas is all about.. sweetness! After all the fun and laughters, gifts and parties.. it's time to remember how and why we have christmas.. It's the dear birthday of my saviour Jesus Christ. The day he came to die for us. the day God show us his perfect love. I thank you dear Jesus, for bringing me into this world, for creating me in your likeness, for loving me no matter how broken i am, and for blessing me with wonderful people in my life. This day, I urge that the world will not forget the true meaning of Christmas. I pray that more will come and see the light. I pray that I will be a blessings to those I met and I will be your vessel to spread your gospel. Help me to do good and glorify your name. Help me to place you first more than anything or anyone in my life. Help me to keep my eyes on you firmly and nothing wavers me. Your beautiful promise to us will always be remembered and you are my precious Jesus, Precious Love. Thank you God, for sending your one and only son to die for us and to save us from slavery. I pray that on this day mankinds will be delivered and more will come to see Jesus' face. More will come to witness the beauty of your grace and more hearts will be touched and healed by your amazing grace. Hallelujah! Happy birthday my Dear Daddy Jesus! xoxo

happy w simplicity

Love it so much when my boy is planning for his career:) and of cos, love it so much when he accompany me the entire day even aft he's so tired frm reservist and still acc my idiotic frens :) appreciate damn much. And oh i love playin funrun with him at home wahaha! Quality time spent tgt <3 happy="" me="" p="">

happy birthday my dearest brother

just realised that it's my brother's birthday..

dear khim chuan kor.. happy 27th birthday..
it's been 11 yrs since u left us..
hope u've find ur peace..
thanks for always watching over us..
miss u much as always.

with love n misses
ur mei always.. me

thankful forever more

i'm so so so sooooo thankful to the Lord my God that my love has come back into my life!
ytd was such a happy day for me!
so happy that i can hold him once again.
so happy that i can kiss him once again.
so happy that i can just simply hug him and spent the night with him again.
and so freaking happy that i can have him in my life again!

it's 6th july.. birthday of one of the most important guy in my life.
and it was the happiest day of my life now!

hereby, i wanna wish my once forever love, a happy birthday.
thou things have ended for us, it has turned me into a woman who learned how to love and wat to cherish.
our chapter ended and my new chapter have begin.

and i wanna wish myself and my now and forever love, a happy relationship and forever lasting one.

wat's past has past, wat's important now is, we cherish one another.
i've let go of a guy whom will stayed with me no matter wat.
i've let him down alot of times.
not cherishing him and bullied him.
but now i wanna hold onto this love like i have never done before.
i wanna love like i have never love before.
i wanna be the woman behind him now and forever.
i wanna cherish this one chance that i am given.
i wanna just.. love..

thank u god, thank u my love, for giving us one chance again.
i will cherish it and give my best.

i love you
CK

熟悉却又陌生

when our hands crossed
when our eyes met
when we had our dinner tgt

all seems so familiar yet so different now..

how i yearn for time to turn back its hands..

sigh..

For you

Tonnes of tears were shed in the making of this video
But it's my way of missing you

The lyrics sings it all..
For you, My love

answer to my heart..

after seeing so many ppl come and go, after seeing so many ppl giving up on me..
u're the only person that have proven that u've never left..
each time i feel lost, messed up and hurt, the first name and face i tink of is u..
i didnt realised, that it is u that i ever needed.
it's been a yr plus since i left u, but u're stil the one that have never ever given up on me.
i've realised that afterall, u're stil the reason i cannot go into a r/s anymore..
i've been unknowingly waiting..
awaiting for u to ask me to be yours again..
but, it seems, it'll nv happen again..

曾经，我是那么的幸福。。

perhaps.. it's time i accept the fact and move on..

i miss u so..

my once forever love..

i didnt noe he can be so heartless..

thank u mr asshole.

i loved.. he didnt..

started my journey-to-recovery session with fellow ppl who cared.. was reali heart broken yet angered when i saw the scene. he can blame me all he wants.. he's no where better. come on. i'm not a idiot. i can feel too. seeing her pics at his place. not good.. seeing her pic on his fb.. not good either.. seeing him with her.. HA! bam~ it hit my limit. all these while have been blaming myself so much for watever happened.. ppl who knew told me i wasnt at fault. he's the one who didnt want to give me a status, not even a dating status. he's the one who kept hurting me by leaving and abandoning me. he's the one that made me all tired of being led on yet no status at all. sometimes, a man gotta do wat a man should do. dun leave the girl dangling if you dun love her. it hurts. it drains us off totally. when they ask "do u still love him?" my ans was "yes" i'm v firm about it. yes i'm a idiot despite being hurt so many times, being abandoned so many times.. i stil love him. dun ask me why.. perhaps i owe him in my previous life. sis ask why am i always so in-confident whenever we mention bout us. i dunno.. perhaps i always tink i'm nt good enough for him. afterall, i have always been loving him and places him on top of my priority list. have been tinking alot recently.. he never loved me. perhaps he did.. but i believe one wouldnt let go of someone if they have truly loved. and in just 5 mths, he had let go of me umpteen times.. and the scene i saw. it was fated. i swear it woke me up finally.i was al along, just a spare tyre. it's ok.. i have no guilt in this entire r/s.. i will just live my life as it is.. it's a mess to be cleared. it was a wrong move to have confessed to him. if i hadnt frm the very beginning, we would stil have been real good frens. now its all ruined. should have just keep the memories there. beautiful frenship. i'm tired.. and drained from all the emo thoughts. he left.. just let him go, iko.. it's all over..

it still hurts a hell lot..
perhaps it wil never heal..
just.. let it be..

asthma attacked after a good 20 years..
eyes swell like goldfish..
i cried too hard..

was hoping i could get drunk and concussed this entire weekend so i dun have to tink of anything. but i guess, it isnt tat easy uh? apparently, the more i wanna get drunk, the harder it is.

i've smoked more thn a pack, near 2, onli today..
i was having some wines, beers and wines..
but.. why am i stil nt drunk???

cried my hearts out while playing some worship songs.. knelt down n pray. for things to work out watever it is. sincerely asked for God's guidance and healing to come over my heart now. like RIGHT NOW!

i dun wanna wry anyone so i've been all smiley and acted happy. i'm not that strong u noe?


sudden feeling of being all alone..
sudden feeling of i'm forsaken..
sudden missing u..

p/s: all these breaks my heart. u mentioned that i can lay down my strong front infront of u. but now? sigh..

Nobody knows it but me

A beautiful and sad song which sang my heart out totally..

All we'd ever need - Lady Antebellum



Boy it's been all this time
And I can't get you off my mind
And nobody knows it but me

I stare at your photograph
Still sleep in the shirt you left
And nobody knows it but me

Everyday I wipe my tears away
So many nights I've prayed for you to say

I should've been chasing you
I should've been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
I should've said all the things that I kept inside of me
And maybe I could've made you believe
That what we had was all we'd ever need

My friends think I'm moving on
But the truth is I'm not that strong
And nobody knows it but me

And I've kept all the words you said
In a box underneath my bed
And nobody knows it but me

But if you're happy I'll get through somehow
But the truth is that I've been screaming out

I should've been chasing you
I should've been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
I should've said all the things that I kept inside of me
And maybe I could've made you believe
That what we had was all we'd ever need

I should've been chasing you
You should've been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
Oh you should've said all the things
That I kept inside of me
And maybe you could've made me believe
That what we had girl
Oh that what we had, what we had
It was all we'd ever need
It was all we'd ever need 

Nobody knows it but me.. sigh.. :(

peaceful

spent a unexpected night and day with him.
hmm.. everything seems normal and just smooth..
i didnt noe how to react, i didnt now how to handle.
but i guess things just goes as it is.
each time i tink of our rs.. i find it reali amusing..
from stranger, to colleague, to fren, to crush, to lover, to i dunno wat are we now..
a short 4mths but so many things happened.
i used to cant reali be myself infront of him.
i had this very uptight feeling when i was with him (dun ask me why i got no idea)
and it was til ytd, i realise i can reali just be myself when i was with him.
just slp in funny position i like, remove my make up show my naked face..
i just dun have to put on any act.
perhaps, i was reali tired too.. just dunno how to handle our rs and dun wanna handle anymore.
well.. today was a exceptional surprise..
usua;;y aft his place, i'd just go home on my own n thn that's it..
today, he sent me home and before that, we went to eat at bedok reservior this wawawa bistro..
dun like the idea that he doesnt wanna eat and drink beer when drives.
wat's worst, he noe i dun like him drinking especially when he's on medication and drives..
YET he stil does it. well.. i dun wanna say anything. i'm in no position anyway.
it's his life :)

out of these 4 mths, other thn my lovely bfast day, today is one wonderful day i had with him. thou the feeling is very different, but i felt peaceful, calm.. perhaps we shud just let things stay this way. i like n enjoyed his company.. totally. and i dun wanna ask for anything alr. this is enough :)

:)

gotten my result today for my accounting and management.. i screamed when i got a credit for accounting and distinction for management.. i was super happy and gina and jie was like "siao zhar bor!" i got super excited and wanted to share the excitement with u.. thn i realise.. it's too late.. yup.. i've lost u officially. just feel that we shouldnt taint our beautiful memories. just leave it as beautiful as it is. that'll do..

曾经在乎天长地久，如今只能满足曾经拥有.. 爱过了，痛过了，不想再吵了.. 让我们之间就只有那些美丽的回忆吧.. 别再去伤害我们只剩下唯一美好的东西了，好吗？ 真的很累了..
 

distract..

been trying very hard to act happy and distract myself from the pains..
met up with croy n yaggy for some sc time at starbucks..
well.. couldnt reali focus on game.. when they talk, i always was drifting away..
randomly, a fren text me "cheer up".. nearly cried :(
i know i have lost him..
but i'm stil awaitin for a miracle that he can contact me again..
it's such a small issue yet i've lost him..
i find it pretty ridiculous..
and i dun understand how can he just cut off all contacts just like that..
dun he miss me too?
are our memories that worthless to him?
i dunno.. i'm lost..

sigh..
thankfully, weekend's over.. just bury myself in work ba..
hais..

i miss u.

emptiness

woke up first thing, check my phone for his msges or calls.. no it didnt happen today.. felt a sudden sadness as i was reminded that i've lost him. cried a little, force myself back to slp again.. had a beautiful dream with him back to me again. doing things i've always wanted to do with him, going places i've always wanted to go with him. woke up again, feeling total emptiness. said a little prayer for my miracle and forces myself back to slp. finally woke up this timing and am in total emptiness once again.

told sis that i feel very lonely and sad. i need to talk to someone. but who? sigh. i miss his voice so much.. i miss his text so much.. i miss him so much. reali wish he could turn back to me again. reali wish to have him in my arms again. reali wish to be able to be doted by him again. reali wish.. i can be his girl again. he mention before he doesnt need me to be supergirl, he just need me to be his girl.. will this desire from him be here again? will he ever wan me again?

sigh..

flooded with sadness..

a little drunk..

i dun wanna make it look like i'm depressed to anyone who cared. so i got no place but to vent a little here. went out with fel for a little drink, been nagged at, scolded and blameed for the entire night. i know alright it's my fault for things happening now. i know that it;s my stupidity that ruinefd me. came home without being drunk as i have promised him.

feeling damn f up. have been holding my tears for the entire day. thou i broke down during one of the smk break. seeing him telling me he cares.. i was very happpy yet very sad. i lost him~~ i reali lost him this time. wanna jus bitch slap myself so much. why the fk am i doin this?! i know i'm stronger thn thiss. i dun wanna let go. not a single bit. i just feel reali lost. i;ve lost him. due to my own stupidity. God, pls tell me how i can earn him back.. i wil do any thing.. i swear i will..

this is too painful for me to bear.. i dun wanna losse him. i dun wanna die again with regrets.. i noe it's my fault. and i blame myself for being fking stupid. whyyyy?! why am i so stupid?! lord pls tell me. why?! reali screamed n cried my hearts out,. and i reali missed him. i dun wanna let him go,

he said dun make him regret turning back. i dunno wat it meant. turning back as a fren? or dun make him turning back to me previously? i dunno. but all i noe is. he meant the world to me.. my world is crushed. totally.. and now i'm crying very badly. i noe he dun wan these. he dotes on me. but.. sry baby. i cannot accept the fact that i lost u due to my own stupidity. how i wish for a chance to love him again. how i wish for a chance to be able to be there for him again. how i wish.. he's mine again.. i swear i wil never be angry at him again. i swear i will nv be a naughty girl he dislike again. just give me a miracle dear god. this is all i need.

i.... cant handle this pain.
please help...
i love u too much baby..
i will try be a happy girl for u.
but u do noe. that i cannot b truly happy ever again..
u're the reason  why i'm trying to smile and u're the reason why i'm crying..
and baby, love u a hell lot.
i wont ever walk out on u.
time wil prove and all i pray for is a chance to love him unconditionally again..
god please. i reali loved.
this is wat ur daughter wants. please dun remove it from my life.
if i ever have a chance again.. i'd give my all to just trust n love him..
i'm a fking sinner

我的你..

当初那么爱我的你，到哪里去了？
当初那么强烈的爱，消失了吗？
好想回到那时，能够对你撒娇，在你怀里静静的被你哄。。
我到底做错了什么？
为什么觉得全世界都能去爱你，我却连机会都没有？
就在这短短的1星期，我就失去了曾经在你心里的地位吗？
我。。 好想你。。 我。。 好想那个会想念我的你。。
我。。 好想那个很爱很爱我的你。。
你。。 真的不要我了吗？

:'(

:(

today is the day he's flying off.. wanted to send him away with a smile and let him enjoy his trip. but somehow.. shits do happen and things never go the way we expected ya? sigh. first thing in the morning saw him saying that someone went over to his place. i know maybe there's reali nth and it's reali just gd frens. but cant deny i'll feel shitty. i've been yearning for a chance to spend a night with him before he fly. he promised to have a night of hug-all-night to slp.. but it never happened. and someone else was over there? so that's how far i am away frm his priority uh..

i realised comparing now and few days ago.. misses from him were getting lesser.. loves from him were gone.. things have changed.. i know he've been putting in effort to show his care for me. and i've been trying to stay strong and be his happy girl. but everything came crushing down on me last night after hearing him talk about his ex(es).. the threatened feeling of "i'm gonna lose him" is back again.. sigh.. i tried to keep myself together and hold everything together. but this morning, i broke.

i told him we both need to take a step back and think of wat we reali wan. ya i know i just commit suicide to my own feelings. but i just thot that if we were to continue this dating/not dating kinda r/s.. we'll nv get anywhere. afterall, wat i wan is to finally be able to settle down. being in such situation will not help anything at all. i reali enjoy indulging in his love. indulging in his ever sweet doings. but i know what i wan is to settle down.

he mentioned that he wont be contacting me these 5 days. well.. i guess this is a real solid time off for both of us ba. sometimes, separation makes the heart grow fonder. missing someone lets u realise how much that someone means to u. if he miss me.. he'll come back. if not, than it has proven that the love between us isnt strong enough. like i said, i need him to wan me enough. i need him to love me enough. my heart breaks.. leaving everything to god now. i'm drained out.


my heart aches.. alot..
i pray for a miracle..
i'll miss u.

公主般的幸福

after being a happy little girl last night, i was a super duper happy princess this morning ^^

to stop myself from thinking the unneeded, i force myself to slp earlier last night.. KO at about 2am.. ya i know not very early but i tried! said a little thanksgiving prayer to daddy JC and still keeping my miracle request in my prayer. i was already very grateful for whatever that's going on last nite. and guess wat.. God doesnt stop blessing me! :) got his call at 5.30am and i jumped out of my bed. he just finish his appt and am at ECP. so he called to ask if i wanted bfast.. awwww so sweet! to tink of it, when was the last time someone actually ask me if i wan bfast and reali got them for me? deliver right to my place somemore :)

initially he said he just pass me the food and wil head home. but me decided to be a little naughty and say i want to spend some time with him. and yes! we spent sometime in his car and chatted, showing him vids of our co's awards night, laughing at some funny stuffs. it was a nice short meet up. and another thing i ask for - a hug :) and i got it! ^^ felt reali good being able to hug him again :) each time we hug, i just feel very comfortable. it's like.. i can put the rest of the world aside for awhile and just indulge in his presence.. he gave me a peck on my cheek and i teared. hmm.. just feel a little sad and happy at the same time.

highlight of my morning meet up with him. he gave a peck on my forehead.. my heart melted 101%.. being kissed is so common between couples.. but being kissed on your forehead.. priceless. i dunno if he means it that way. but all girls love forehead kisses. cos it simply means "I love you, and i wan to take care of you." It's the kiss that lets you know he's got your back. The kiss that separates the "I love you" from the "I'm in love with you."

I remember reading this somewhere in a article on different types of kisses "The forehead kiss is usually whipped out when the guy feels as comfortable around you as you feel and he wants you to know how much he cares about you without words." i certainly do wish that this is what he truly meant when he kissed my forehead. it felt.. magically wonderful :) and for that short moment, i was turned into a princess. a princess who felt total happiness. totally love. it feels reali good to be in his arms. just leaning on his shoulder, cuddling, kissing, looking at one another.

after which, gotta go home and prepare for work :( while otw home, i felt i'm crazily in love. this is consider one of the rare times when i dun get pissed AT ALL for being woken at 5.30am with 3hrs of slp. in fact, i felt recharged :) my day totally brightened up. even gina was asking me "why ur mood today so good ar?" tsktsk. it seems i'm more productive at work and my attitude is 101% good when my day started right :)

oh! and he got me my fave zui kueh! xD soooooooooo happy! he remembered that i mentioned before that i like the zui kueh from that particular stall :D but thn there's another pack of bee hoon which he initially bought lol~ and and! more surprise! my fave.. SKITTLES! *love love* all these overwhelming happiness reali made me feel that i was swept off my feet and fall all crazily in love again. how wonderful would it be if we're still dating.. i would be such a ultimately blessed girl to have him solely to myself. reality sucks uh? sigh~

and tomorrow he'd be leaving for HK :( 5 dayssssss..... ahhhhhh~ gonna feel so alone and down again :( the fear of losing him is back :( afterall, i always lose him aft a trip.. phobia alr :( and.. was on the phone with him and he mentioned about her again.. i thought.. she can finally be out of the picture. but.. hais.. and she's asking him to travel.. i have a thought now. if it comes true. i tink.. i might.. i would.. hmm~ lets see.

my heart cannot take anymore such roller coaster rides..
i turned back and accepted him cos i know i stil love him and didnt want to give up..
i turned back because i wanted to give us both a chance.
i turned back because i know he is what i want..
but i reali cannot accept complications anymore..
i dun wanna go back to those days constantly having to wry that i'd be abandon any time.
i dun wanna go back fighting with someone else over a love one..
i dun wanna go back having to share..
i wanna be selfish.. for once.. he taught me to voice out wat i wan.. he taught me to be demanding..
and yes.. i tink i should be selfish now..
if i want him, i want him solely to myself.
no more sharing.

Happy :)

Had quite a rough day trying to get thru at work.. and got super worried aft his MIA for an entire day.. it's not that i worry he's with some other girls or he doesnt wan me anymore. I was worried that something bad might happen to him. He havent had enough rest, he drinks n drives, and his health isnt anywhere near pink. Couldnt reali focus on anything i do today :( just feel very restless and got very worked up once there's notifications or calls on my mobile. Struggled the day thru, and struggled to go lesson. Been praying as and when i can. Hoping he's fine.

Struggled badly in class tryin to sit down and stop moving ard. Trying hard to stop wrying. And than he finally text and call :) a huge load was off my worryin heart and was very thankful. he just kinda coma-ed in his slp.. haha xD chatted awhile and things were gd, oh and i caught a soft "miss u" while i was yaking away sharing with him the funny things in class. Awww~ i melted :) moving on, he mentioned that he's too lazy for a appt, gt it cancelled and decided to go club instead.. honestly.. i was upset. Nt angry, but just kinda upset and disappointed. I thought we could spend the night tgt.. i actually brought clothes and even bathing stuffs :/ but he didnt promise so its ok. I was more upset by the fact that he's been clubbing and he even chose club over wrk.. kinda disappointed.. :(

when he asked if i wanna join him, i'd love to. But thn again, i know guys need their own space. Especially him at this stage where he needs a break frm everything. I was tryin to put myself in his shoes.. tryin to rmb how much i hate it in the past when i was a clubber and my bf tried to stop me frm clubbin. it sucks to feel untrusted and it sucks to be stopped frm doin things u wanna do. So i decided to just let him have his space n have his fun. Afterall, if he's mine, he'll be mine.. right? I'm learning to trust him. and i'm learning to behave like a adult and treat him like a adult. The uneasy feeling is still here, afterall i do know that girls wil be ard him and physical contact cant be avoided. I do also know that alot of shits tend to have higher chance of happening in clubs. But i'm stil learning and trying :)

And after awhile, i gt a reali pleasant surprise :) he mention that he's gg for another appt and decided nt to club. I reali smiled :) i dunno if he's making this decision for not wanting me to be upset, but i'm still very happy. i just think, a guy should prioritize work thn play. Infact, not only guys.. every individual should. It's something we all hate. But well.. we have to grow up n know how to proritize and be responsible right? thou end of the day, he stil went out.. not a club thou at least reali is chillout and work related. again, i dunno isit for me, but still i'm happy :) just hope he doesnt drink too much and drive.


it's just small little things like this, that can make a silly girl like me smile :)
Thank u :)

the feeling i detest MOST >:(

again.. he's trying to push me away.
i dunno how much he reali wants me to leave..
the last time this happen, i was stubborn not to walk away.
the final thing that happened that made me walk away was his decision of settling down, with someone that's not me.

i didnt want to be a hinderance in his life.. i didnt want to make him waver..
i did not choose to walk away because i've stop loving.
i did not choose to walk away because i didnt want to wait on.
i did not choose to walk away because i wan to.

this time.. he's acting all the same again..
pushing me away, telling me to move on n saying stuffs i hate..
i had to make sure.. is this wat he TRULY wants?
if this is wat he truly wants, i'll just go back to the days how i walked away.
it isnt easy i swear. but since i done it once, i can do it twice.
life might turned a wreak for awhile, but that's the best i can do..
after talking on it, i'm glad the result wasnt the same :)
i teared.. yes in office.. fml!
but the gd thing about having small eyes? ppl cant tell :)

one or two of them caught it but i simply brush it off with "i chain-yawned" :p

i dun wanna be abandoned again :(

:)

Being able to text him all day, getting his calls on n off, seeing him again..
makes me a happy girl today :)

nearly got the urge to kiss him before we part ways and so got the urge to hug him tightly..
it was hard but gotta resist..

perhaps like he said.. wat's the diff of dating and now?
perhaps just couldnt call each other sweet names, couldnt be as sweet as and when we like, couldnt have physical contacts..

sad still.. but gotta stay contented.

i am greedy. but i gotta stay contented to be his happy girl..
i miss the hugs n kisses so damn much..

sigh~


I wan to always be that silly girl u likes.
I wan to always be the one who make u smile.
But i dun wan to piss u off ever again :(

Loves,
Your silly girl

Contented..

being woken from his call and making silly noises to wake me up to talk to him as he's too high on caffeine makes me smile even in my sleepy mode.. it's just cute when he do such things :) had a long chat with him over almost everything and of cos i liked the feeling :) it feels that i can have a share of his life, what he is going thru despite gd or bad.. i like it when i can share his things on work and i'm very happy when i can be of help.. even if i cant, i'm glad that i can just give him a listening ear..

talked quite abit about our issue.. of cos, i'm sad.. but he constantly reminds me that he stil loves me.. just that he needs a break.. i'm thankful. humans are greedy, i'm no exception. of cos i'm dying to have him solely to myself. but there's voice constantly reminding me that i should be contented and happy that i'm stil alive in his heart and that i'm being love and miss by him. i hope his upcoming trip back home can give him a reali gd break thou.. catching up with his family and frens. he needs a gd break aft all the shits since i know him. i dunno if i'd lose him totally.. but i'm leaving it into the hands of God. all i wish for is him to be happy. i will be his gd girl, waiting for his return. waiting for a day where i can hold him in my arms again. even if it might not come.. i'll wait..

it makes me happy whenever i receive texts n calls frm him. upon hearing his voice this morning, i smiled. it just feels like something is missing without his voice. it just feels like something is missing without texting him or hearing from him. sometimes.. i just yearn for simplicity like this. i just wanna ignore watever complications we have and watever paranoid issues i have. i wanna ignore my insecurities and just love him. despite us not dating anymore, i can stil feel he is constantly assuring me that he is stil there. and i'm very thankful..

the urge of hugging and just simply doting on him is strong.. damn strong especially when knowing that he's super tired and had a long day. the urge of just flooding him with kisses and holding him in my arms, making him feel safe and secure is so strong. i couldnt give him now since he no longer wants it.. all i could do is diverting them on whisker.. sigh.. i miss u so much :(


i'll be a happy girl if you wan me to
but the only one that can truly make me happy is none other than you..
awaiting for the day i can hold u in my arms again..
awaiting for the day i can be in your arms once again..
much love.. - your girl

我最幸福的事..

was feeling pretty down n out..

how i wish i could get a hug from u..

gotten a news that he'd be out of spore again..

sigh..

i stil blame my own stupidity for losing him..

all i wan is just a simple r/s with him.. just a simple happiness..

it seems so hard.

how i wish we could just throw everything aside and just love one another n be there..

have been avoiding alcohol and crying myself to slp every single night since i've lost him..

all i yearn for, is his forgivness..

all i yearn for is waking to a day seeing him calling me baby again..

all i yearn for.. is a hug from him telling me everything wil be fine..

baby.. i miss u so much :(


p/s : another night to flood whisker and huhu with my tears.. sigh.. god.. i need this miracle.. :(

Our journey..

after waking up, i was reluctant to get off my bed.. a shelter i use to cuddle myself in to hide away from loneliness.. while resting on my bed n hugging whisker so tightly, memories of us flashes back.. from the very first day i saw his photo, to the day we first met at singtel building, to how we started chatting on 13 dec 2012.. xmas card writings at summer breeze, all the late night chats.. how he used to throw his troubles at me and we just talk everything under the moon.. a day when i was out w frens at frenzie, he came to fetch me and we headed to pasir ris town. that's when i first kissed him. i was bitten by some funny insect and til date, the scar is stil on my arm.. each time i look at it, i was reminded of that very fateful day. somewhere in jan, we were drinking at some pub in serangoon and that's the day i lost my front tooth and gotten scars on my face due to a heavy fall which i wil never forget. but thanks to that fall, alot of blessings came my way.. i spent the nite at his place with him trying to take care of a drunk, injured whiny girl. him, looking so lost and dunno wat to do, is reali cute. and i was extremely happy to wake up beside him with him patting my head and hugging me to slp. his gentleness touched me totally.. and i know i'm terribly in love. things wasnt very gd aft that.. i lost him on vday and gotten myself into some shits. life have been a drunkard state since than til he came back to me on 20 March 2013.. i was thankful and happy that we could drink n chat like normal frens again aft a mth plus of avoiding him. but things gotten much sweeter.. he bought stuffs i nv thought he would for me and cared for me exceptionally. so much that i thot i was dreaming.. we went drinking aft my lesson and he gt drunk and said things which he have been hiding from me. i was in tears.. tears of joy.. and also tears of feeling being malign by him. he thought i had left.. i didnt.. that very day, he made me alive again.. things gotten reali sweet til 2days ago.. my stupidity ruin everything.. sigh.. will there be a continuation to our story? i certainly hope this is not the end..

i'll wait for you..
i'll wait for the day you're willing to come back to me..
i love u

Tears just wont stop!

drinking at this timing, not cool.

i cant help it. i needed to numb myself.

i was wrong. i ended up crying like a baby.

these fking tears just wont stop!

telling sis that maybe i drink, i'd cry, aft i cry, i'd slp.

and when i slp, the day's gone again and i'll start work soon on monday which i'd just be busy concentrating on work n nth else. but.....

why am i not drunk?

why is my tears rolling again???

why why why?!

i dun wanna go back to those drinking days again where i just wanna get drunk n pass days by without him. i dun wanna live in avoidance again. i dun wanna go back to the me without clarity of the mind again.

i cant help it. but cry at my own stupidity..


i miss u

What have i done..

today is a day i lost my love again due to my own insecurities..

i honestly dunno what's gotten into me to get so uptight over small little things.

after talking with my sis, i realised i've become such a monster.. a monster i never ever wanna be..

i've become such a ridiculous girl.

this time i've lost him due to my own stupidity.. it's not his fault but mine..

if only i could turn back time..

totally regreting everything now :(

my wonderful long weekend have turned into a sulking griefing terrible weekend once again..

all my dreams and plans of a wonderful weekend.. gone..

iko.. u're stupid. fking stupid..

i did see his effort this time round.. i'm just too stupid not to realise my own mistakes.

baby i'm so sorry..

nth i can do to make it up. but i promise i'll be gd.. perhaps one day u see the change and wil come back to me.

i yearn to be in his arms once again, to be called his baby once again, to be able to love him once again..



p/s : dear god, i wish for a chance once again. i promise i'll be a gd girl from now onwards. please, dun let this be the end. i dun wanna lose this love again. it hurts.. hell lots :(

So this is how it feels..

I've long forgotten the feeling of to love, be love and be in love..
by saying this, i know it's very unfair to alot of my ex bfs.. but it is the truth..

i've met countless of bastards (it's not too extreme to use this word on them, trust me) who only made me understand wat is "to love".. i gave my heart, and gotten it shattered totally..

i've too met awesome guys who are near perfect but i just couldnt love them as much as they do.. they taught me what is "be love".. i was reali loved and felt very blessed.. but just couldnt accept the fact that i couldnt give them what they deserve frm me.. so i decided to return their heart and bid gdbye..

i've met one person several years ago, who taught me the above 3.. "to love", "be love" and "be in love".. everything was wonderful.. he could understand me like no others.. we could handle each other's ups n downs 100%.. i was a princess when i was with him.. he was my mentor, my best fren and my lover. it was exactly wat i wanted.. except.. it was all too late.. he's a family man and yes i'm a bitch for dating a family man. however, we decided to part ways for his daughter's sake. i came from a broken family n yes i truly understand the feeling of having a broken family. i do not want her to go thru wat i've been thru. the decision was hard.. VERY hard.. but i chose it in the end. hoping it could make up for my sins of going in between a family.

since thn, i've been searching for this feeling again. i've been searching for someone that can make me feel the 3 types of loves again.. for the past 5yrs, it never happened. i can be with someone i like but things just doesnt turn out what i thought it'll be. i guess i was too naive and painted too nice a picture for the word "love". and just when i'm so used to having a "dead" r/s, just when i'm so used to love and not be love, just when i've long forgotten how it feels to be doted on, he came along..

this guy, who got me all in love and thn broke my heart terribly before, whom i've once smiled and cried over before, who i thought i'd never be able to smile because of him ever again, this guy, turned my life ard on a fateful day.. 20th march 2013, a day i'd never forget.. this guy actually came back to me. i couldnt believe i could be in his arms once again and him being in mine.. i couldnt believe he's standing right infront of me once again giving me the warm hug again. and i couldnt believe what i'm hearing from his mouth. i cried to his words.. he hugged me tighter thn before, patting my head like a little girl. at that moment, i felt alive once again. he bought me things i like, things he told me about before, and things i needed due to my sickness. i was surprised even by small little gestures like that. i was very touched.

he made the effort to come al the way to my place in the middle of the night just because we miss one another. he got me my supposedly "dinner" knowing that i'm hungry. he constantly re-assures me on my insecurities as he need to attend some event. and he mentioned 3 sentences which i was dying to hear..

"i'm not gonna leave u alone."
"i dun need u to be supergirl, i need u to be my girl.."
"just open up to me, if u wan us to work it out.."

he wouldnt know how much these 3 sentences meant to me.. i've been acting all strong for so many yrs in order to protect myself.. i've been feeling walked out on so many times before.. and i've always have to hide my true feelings whenever i'm down so i wouldnt "scare" ppl away with my unhappiness. but with 3 short sentences, he assured me to put all these aside.. and today, he actually took the effort to inform me that his phone's gonna die soon so i might not be able to reach him. let me clarify, he's not my bf.. he dun have the need to be there 24/7 for me.. but he did. i was touched. oh and there's a event gg on and he mentioned that if he has known that i am gonna be there, he would have went. u know, it's just all these little things, little thoughts, that's making me falling deeper and deeper each day.

it feels like he is slowly piecing back my tiara back to my head, making me a beautiful princess once again.. it feels like he's slowly piecing back my long shattered heart back together again, making it beat even faster than before. since that fateful day, i've been praying reali hard to daddy JC.. first, i prayed that this is not a dream.. second, i wan daddy JC to show me is this a yes or a no. third, i prayed that we can both trust in each other 101% one fine day. and yes, despite al these overflowing sweetness, we stil couldnt trust each other fully.. it may sound ironic, but it's true. afterall, i've been hurt by him before, and afterall, with my kind of lifestyle with my frens, i've long ago knew that not many guys can trust me.

i will do my best to make this work. however hard it might be, however the ending might be, i just wanna try my best once again. i wanna put in as much effort as he is now. i wanna make him my prince like he's making me a little princess now. and hopefully fairytales can be real too.. "happy ever after" :) i know i'm too old to be talking bout fairytales but hack! i'm a masterpiece by daddy JC and i BELIEVE he will give me a perfect Happy Ever After :)

P/s : each night i dream of a beautiful picture that's worth fighting for :)

hi baby.. it's vday.. a day i hate if u'll rmb.. i told u once that i hated vday the most..
it's one of the most useless day.. i believed that if a cpl is happy everyday, vday would be meaningless.. cos everyday would be happy vday..

anyway.. i'm not in a happy day.. i was in fact one of my downest day.. i felt lonely the entire day.. i felt all alone on a day like this.. i've always wished for a wonderful vday in my younger days,, but apparently it nv happened.. i was always alone.. i nv had any guys i like that ask me out.. nv had any nice dinner.. nv had any sweet dramas that happened on me.. vday.. is just a fairytale to me.. it's nv realistic.. and it'll nv happen..

i'm just happy if i'd ever receive ur replies..
this.. is more thn enough..

i noe i've lost u this vday..
but baby.. i've been wishing for u..
for this vday.. for this festive..
i wish i had u..

wat's the true meaning of vday?
i never knew how it felt like to receive love..
i nv knew how it felt like to spent a happy vday with ur love ones..
perhaps this life.. i'll nv know how it felt,,
vday.. just be gone.. please..
i've lost my love.. more thn enough.. this is for me..
please.. bring it away for me..

wondering.. how are u..

flooded with misses.

awaiting for the magical moment with the miracle words..
will it ever come true?

i wonder..
still.. thank god for a sweet friday :)

Everything wil turn out for the good

 This is a MUST SHARE..

amazing sermon i heard from Nick Vujicic again.. on why God doesnt heal ALL the time. tink of it.. i have been praying for healings every single night before i slp and when i wakes from all the heartaches i've been feeling.. i've been praying for healings in aspects to my BGR issues and feeling of inferiority in life, career and family issues. imagine if i was healed just like that.. wouldnt i have lost my compassion for mankind? wouldnt i not know how it feels like to go thru these? than how am i gonna put myself in others' shoes and help them when they're in need?

i've always been very proud of my compassion towards ppl and animals. i tink it's a gift from god to have compassion in me. some ppl calls it emo. but i feel for ppl. i feel sad when i see ppl sad. i feel darn happy when i see ppl smile/laugh because of something i did/said or just because of me. i was beginning to wonder why i wasnt healed.. i was beginning to wonder why is god allowing things happening to me the way it is. i was beginning to wonder has god forsaken me? and no.. this sermon came just in time.

i wasnt healed.. not at all.. i stil feel the heartaches.. the feeling of unwanted.. the feeling of inferiority.. the feeling of a broken heart.. the feeling of having no fatherly love.. but at least.. i truly know how it feels. who knows? 10yrs down the road, someone at my current age is gg thru this and i'd be able to help him/her.. and there, i saved someone.. i truly believe God has his reason. he never makes mistakes and he NEVER waste our time. if i'm still breathing now, than there is still a reason why i'm here.

He did not forsake me..
It's just not the right time yet to answer my daily prayers..
whatever he dun change/take away, he makes use of it..

super amazing message that comes from God..
Thank u daddy! ♥

 

Here's the link in case any random ppl jumps by my blog and wants to hear it for themselves :)

 

 

My intuition is telling me something..
If it's true..
I'll be damn disappointed..
Totally..

miss u so much :(

everything wil be different aft my one good cry

gdbye love..

What do i wan?

was asking myself what do i actually wan.. i came to a conclusion..
i just want a simple r/s.. no complications..

a r/s that involves onli 2 of us..
a r/s which starts because we love each other much enough to want each other to be The One..
a r/s with mutual trust and understanding..
a r/s with no lies, no hidings..
a r/s whereby we hold each other's hands and decide that we will hold this hand til the end..
a r/s whereby even in bad times, or fights, we'd stil care for one another..
a r/s whereby both of us will never ever tink of ending no matter how pissed we are..

it's not hard.. but i guess it's hard to get.. the onli word i can tink of here is True love.. cliche ya.. but True love overcomes all.. it's the onli magical touch here.. nth else matters..

我们都累了..

Let go and let God :)

:(

had some drinks.. and am getting emo all over again :(
i know i shouldnt.. but let me have a break from all the fake smiles and all the fake happiness can i?

aft days of acting all normal and yo yo frens..
i dun wanna deny that i'm missing u all over again..
i dun wanna hide the fact that i reali miss those days a hell lot..
i dun wanna run away from my own feelings..

our happiness did not last long.. but i reali was happy.
i smiled truly.. i laughed.. i cared.. i was alived..
but onli for a short while..
before u decided to let me be free and hoping i can find my own happiness..

honestly..
ur thoughts.. for me.. they're hurting me..
i dun wanna seek my own happiness..
because i've alr found them..

i've found them.. and lost them..

i blame myself for not being able to contain them..
i blame myself for not appearing on time..
i blame myself for not being able to make u wan me enough..
i'm beginning to hate who i am..


tell me wat can i do.. to have u solely to me?
baby.. i miss u.. :(

Happen to come across a beautiful song which my fren shared..

Lyrics is awesome.. kinda sad.. but still it speaks the language of a broken heart..

somehow.. i'm numb towards love songs.. kinda.. couldnt feel anything.. no longer feel sad, no longer feeling emo.. no longer feel..



i wanna feel my heart once again..
but..
how? :(

再一次感受自己的心跳

好希望能够得到一个紧紧的拥抱。。
好希望能够听到温柔的安慰声。。

好希望，好希望。。
能再一次感受自己的心跳。。

好想你。。

couldnt believe i stil have so much tears aft 5 yrs..
i'm not being emo nemo..
i'm just feeling sad for the 2 person that loved so much..
i'm just feeling angry at the twisted fate they shared..
i'm just.. missing our memories.. :(

i'm sorry.. i should be a strong girl by now..
but i am stil a girl aftall..

it felt like everything just came crushing back on me..
when wil i ever meet someone like u again?
when can i ever love like i've loved again?

ahhhhhhhh tears! stop flowing!!! it's irritating!!! pfft!

I'm utterly disgusted..

Perhaps one day when u finally understand wtf is the word "Love" is all about, than we'll talk. 

Or perhaps tat day will nv come..

Wake up ur bloody idea!

Be a Man and stop acting like a spoilt brat!

How old alr?! 

Whatever words u've told me.

Whatever "goals" u've had. 

They all suddenly just sounded like bullshits to me. 

Dun give me crap about how "wonderful" ur goal is. 

You dunno the word "Cherish", i assure u'll regret it freakin hard some day. 

This is coming frm someone that have been there done that. 

Dun believe? We shall see :)

Pissed off!

NO!

u've nv loved..
u've nv liked..
u've nv even infatuated..

this is bullshit.

Am thankful for everything tat has happened today..

Thank u and You :)

Let me re-live our memory One Last Time..

Went back to everywhere we used to be together..
Relieved all the memories we had..
Be it when we were purely just frens or somewhat more thn frens..
It was a short 1 month plus..
But it was a awesome ride..
You brought my heart way up to the sky and way down into the sea..

I told myself that i'd bury everything after tonight..
So i thought i just wanna re-live the moments we had tgt..
My first stop was summer.. went round n round serangoon trying to find the pub we last met.. and thn to ur void deck.. i stayed there for awhile, read thru all our msges.. and tears couldnt stop flowing at that point of time..
sent out a final "imissu" and sealed the memories..

I'm actually thankful that i had the bad fall which landed me in ur care..
it's dumb and lame.. but i reali was thankful..
it's reali hard to accept that we're all over even thou there isnt a beginning to begin with..
i dunno how to face my own feelings now..

u wan me to move on..
as much as i dun wan to.. i'd do it.. i'd walk away.. i'd leave u alone..
i dun wanna disturb ur life any further..
i dun wan u to have the "i'm holding back" feeling anymore..
i dun wan u to struggle between not hurting me nor her anymore..
one day when i'm finally totally out of ur life as someone special or as a fren.. thn u can focus on ur goal..
to be the gd guy that u wanna be.. for her..

thank u baby.. for once making me ur baby..
thank u baby.. for always being considerate of my feelings..
thank u baby.. for once allowing me to have ur heart..
now.. i return it back to u.. give it to her.. the one u chose..
i dun deserve it..

one of the last thing i wanna do is to give u my blessings.. but since it's ur goal to settle down..
i'm giving it to u now..

all the best honey.. to u and ur love one.. may u both hold each other thru happiness and unhappiness.. may u both overcome trials together as one.. may she be the one for u and like wise..

ir's heart breaking when u wash ur hands off me.. but well.. who am i? like i said. i dun deserve..
perhaps one day if u'd miss me.. let me know..
i'd dig up all these memories and let them live once again..
one last.. i loved u..

when everything becomes nothingness..

gone..


:(

walao.. how many shocks am i suppose to go thru tonight??

Just spotted something that dun reali make sense..
and a fren suddenly pop me funny question that double shocked me..

Just wanna say 2 things to whoever might be reading..

Firstly.. dun ever ever tink of lying to me..
The last thing i'll ever tolerate is lies..

Secondly.. stop stalkin me n gg ard askin ur frens who am i or wat kind of person am i.. u gt a problem? Come talk to me.. stop behaving like a kid! Ur bf has nth to do w me.. if u're that insecure, buy a chain n lock him up!

Omg.. cant believe i'm dealing w this at this age ._. I thot i can brk free frm all these shits aft i grad frm sec sch..



P/s: no matter hw dear u r to me be it ex, lovers, frens or bro/sis.. i'll still not accept a lie frm u.. i dun deserve to be lied to when i come 101% clean w u in all my stuffs.. dun disappoint me..

been doing alot of shopping today to divert myself..met up with kiera for dinner, collected my heels.. source for fren's bday pressies.. settled qad's xmas pressie.. and best loot of the day, my beloved ring :)

kiera said i'm crazy the moment i decided to buy it.. but well.. i reali should pamper myself a little more aint i? after all the shits that happened to me this lousy 2012 / 2013.. i tink i deserve something to reward myself for being a survival.. lol. afterall been eyeing on one for 3yrs alr.. thou not my ideal one.. but still something :)

in 24hr's time.. he'll be back..
should i anticipate his return?
or should i not?

tonnes of misses is crushing on me :( but i dun wanna face the bad news.. sigh..
how i wish.....



i wish upon my lucky star..

My thoughts..

Kinda love this much :)

Perhaps..

Couldnt slp n went thru our msges.. i smiled and thn i cried :(

thinking that perhaps he's alr someone else's now..
Perhaps i no longer is being missed by him now..
Perhaps i'm no longer his baby girl now..
I'm here hugging my teddy wishing it was him..
But perhaps he's hugging her now..
Why am i rubbing salt into my wound?
perhaps a good way to stop feeling the pain is to numb the wound..
And to numb the wound, is to maximise the pain..

I know he's trying his best to minimise my pains..
I know he is trying his best to maximise my happiness before he left..
And i'm truly thankful..
I know i promised not to get emo while he's away..
But i reali cant control my emotions n tears :(

I need a good hug n a good cry :(

my misses for u is killing me :(



p/s: will u miss me if one day i'm gone?

Day 2..

Tried really hard not to tink of anything.. spent my day clearing work's reports and started on my accounting assignment part 1. surprisingly i can construct my own cash budget! ^^ but when it comes to the essay.. i stared blank ._. gave up on the essay part for today and started on my ITM essay.. not bad.. kinda completed more thn 50% of it and am stil at it now.. just kinda need a break from those typings, brainstormings and bullshitting =\..

couldn't hold back anymore..

BABY I MISS U! 

 :(

keep tinking did this silly boy take his meal properly.. did this silly boy gets dragged to do stuffs he doesnt reali wan to.. did this silly boy have enough rest.. is this silly boy stil coughing early in the morning.. wondering how is he now :(

3 more days to go.. how am i gonna endure? :(

 P/s : how i wish i can turn the hands of the clock so that it's monday tomorrow :(

I will nv walk away until..

A beautiful quote from my fren Tata :)

 

Love is when you allow yourself to put aside everything you hear, and everything you see, all the rumors that discourage you mean nothing to you because you know you can put your full trust into that person.

You follow your heart and let no one else control your decisions, you put your heart on the line and open yourself up to that person. You’re willing to give them your all, you make time for them like no other, make them your first priority and nothing less. You do stupid stuff, screw up and try to fix everything, screw it up and try to fix it again to make it all better.

You never give up, endure all the pain and all the mess that your relationship may bring you, but you never leave even though you know at any second they can just walk out of your life in just one snap of your fingers.

Love is beautiful, love can hurt you, love can be a real pain in your life. But when you truly love someone that much, you risk everything ♥ 

 

P/S : til the day u found someone who can truly cherish u.. who can truly take gd care of u.. who can give u the love u truly deserves.. i will never walk away..

Day 1..

Feeling kinda sucky :( kept holding onto my phone in case i missed his calls or text.. but of cos.. it nv happened.. should have expected but just in case.. tried to bury myself in dramas to avoid tinking too much.. ended up the stupid drama is talking about r/s issues arghhhhhhh :( straight away stop it and did something else.. did a reali nice drawing ^^ it's been so long since i last drew.. felt kinda good.. abit disfigured =\ but well.. still-life drawing is al along not my forte watttttt.. can get this standard very gd alr la *self console* i'm actually quite amazed that i actually did something like that.. lol

drew for 3hrs.. now that i'm done.. back to square one again :( took out my bible, made a little prayer that God wil show me some comforting verses.. randomly flip, and came across this message in the book of Jeremiah talking about awaiting for a lost one to return.. hmmmm..... aft reading it, my brain totally hay wired x.x this sentence can be applied to ALOT of things i'm facing now.. i tink i'll need more time to fully understand wat God is trying to say..

had a little chat with qad and kinda throw my heart at her hehe.. she mentioned "u fall until ur brain spoile liao huh? why are u sending him away? if u like him just go for it la!" =\ aft reading wat she said, i was wondering.. why the hell am i backing off? aft a long ding dong with qad, i said if he's single, perhaps i'll go all out.. afterall fighting for my own happiness is wat i always believed in.. well well.. am not gonna get all emo nemo here since i promised not to.. just feeling kinda empty.. =\ guess i'll watch some tv to kill time..

came across a nice song randomly and am loving the lyrics.. just gonna post it here :)

总要在说完再见以后 才开始明白爱多浓..
今晚你想念的人是不是我?

P/s : I miss u so much.... loves.. :(

cant help but to tear for one of our might-be-last conversation :(
knowing that he'll be gone aft tonite.. he'd be someone's :(
i'm still thankful that i was once being missed by him..
i'm still thankful that i had the chance to go thru watever we both have been thru tgt..
thou it's ridiculously short.. but i felt blissful.. at least for awhile..
i dunno how am i gonna handle this 2nd heartbreak..
but i know i'm gonna survive as time goes by..
felt so 无辜 having to be punished for someone's mistakes.. :(
but well.. it takes 2 hands to clap.. it'll be pointless if i force him into something he doesnt wants to..
perhaps we reali wan each other alot.. but without the courage to take the risk and the first leap..
everything goes down to nothing..
tonite.. i just wanna spend some nice and sweet time with him..
perhaps our last moment..
just let me indulge in it just for tonite..
i want to be greedy.. but i cant..
i must stay contented.. 


one day when u felt all alone and have no one to confide in, turn ard.. i'm always there to give u a real good hug..

it was a terrible night for me on 12 Jan 2013 :( initially everything was ok.. had lesson in the day and after that had some drinks with him, JR and qad.. was happily playing COD and drinking and singing and i dunno how the hell i can get drunk in 2 towers.. after which, i had a TERRIBLE fall at the roadside :( face was gone and some scratches on my hand and knee.. front tooth chipped and bleeding like mad.. i couldnt feel the pain as i was reali drunk.. i onli rmb pieces of wat happened.. i rmb me sitting down on the road, spitting out blood.. aft that i rmb me being in JR's van and N was grabbing onto my hands to stop me from moving, while qad was on my legs to clean my wound.. i know i was making alot of noises but i dun rmb if i did cry =\ i tink the pain will be terrible if i wasnt drunk =\ aft that i rmb they were rushing me to some clinic to see a doc.. next scene i rmb is the doc cleaning my wound.. thn we were at his place, 4 of us in the hall, and i was being forced to finish a huge bot of milk =\ milk aft beer.. hmmm not a good taste reali.. thn i felt more awake aft that alr.. the pain starts to kick in and qad cleanse my wound.. i still didnt noe how bad the injury was.. til they left and i went to the washroom.. i nearly fainted aft looking into the mirror =\ and was wondering why the hell am i being left at his place :( with this face.. this state.. omggggg :( the sleepover was nice.. at least he comforted me pretty much.. all the strokes and pats.. felt reali good.. the onli problem i was having is how to face mummy :( and also how do go work and school.. i was suppose to have ITM quiz today which contributes 20% to my final exam grade.. luckily Dr Poh says with valid medical reason i can be exempted and my final exam will weigh 70% instead of 50%.. heng ar! it felt nice spending the night (or rather day) with someone u likes.. seeing him slping soundly was a nice sight :) nv believe i can actually look at him this closely.. was tinking of the first day we met and now.. lol things reali happen unexpectedly.. it felt reali comfy to be hugged to slp by him.. and reali nice when we held hands.. thou he cant rmb lol. but still i felt happy n blissful.. he got the "i wanna dote on him" kinda look on him while he was slping.. at this point.. i gotta agree that he's reali cute.. tsk.. and when he wakes at 4, he ask me to wake him at 4.45 i was asking y ar? he say i need to take my med.. at that point, i melted totally.. no one has ever pay so much attention to my medication.. not even mummy lol.. i noe all of these is just a one time thing.. which wil never happen again.. but stil i'm thankful for being able to feel blissful aft all the shitty wounds..

another thing i gotta be thankful is C.. aft knowing i was injured, he came all the way to fetch me home and cleanse my wound for me and prepared food for me.. i felt touched.. althou our brkup was kinda bad.. he still cared for someone like me.. but i know we can never go back to the past.. too much have happened and we both have changed too much.. today he came over to buy mummy food and attend to my injury as well.. was reali touched.. his granny is in hospital and he have to run ard the hospital, his place, work and now attending to me who is not even his gf.. sigh.. i'm feeling all guilty now.. :(

God.. i'm at a very very lost situation.. please tell me what should i do.. :( and please heal my injuries soon and i pray that there would not be any scar :( i already dun have a pretty face.. pls dun make it worst :(

sigh..

today, i did one of the craziest thing i wil ever do for someone.. i was having a rather tiring week since fri as SC chalet was over the weekend.. had less thn few hours of slp each day, drink everyday, swim, play, laugh.. aft which, monday i had a long n busy day at work, i had my management lessons at nite aft that, phone call with him til 4plus? lol.. tues, i had a long day at work with onli 3hr of slp, end work, met up with ser and my qad for shopping at bugis.. went home at 11plus, did abit of my assignment and waited for him to be home safe (i tried but failed thou) fell aslp at bout 2plus.. wed, again, long day at work, and had accounting class :( reach home, brain dead but stil continued with my assignment til 1plus, texted him for awhile and KO at 2plus.. today, i told myself i wanna catch up with all the rest i needed and have a gd jog aft buying my heels.. ended up.. a bad news broke in.. he face a break up =\ i wasnt reali happy knowing that he's unhappy.. am worried that he'll be sad over it, and drink like no tml.. i understand the pain of break ups.. i noe how much we wanted someone to be there just for us in times like this.. just anyone.. thou i was reali tired, i wanted to just be there for him.. be it talk cock session, drinking session or simply listening to him.. so aft buying my heels, i rushed home, bathed and prepared to go bishan to meet him.. it was a gd chill out night.. Except tat i skipped my dinner and was having a terrible gastric :( but am glad that he isnt in a as bad shape as i thot he would be :) he had a long day.. with less thn 3 hrs of slp, off to wrk and lasted the entire shitty day til now.. kinda heartbreaking thou =\ but well well.. nth i can do except to be there for him.. just hope he will still be motivated to work harder and strive for his own good :) hopefully he'll be ok :) argh.... it's gonna be a shitty day tml :( gotta wake at 6.30 and i'm stil awake! damn!! gotta hit the sack! gdnite my lonely world :')

p/s : 可以做最爱你的朋友，这样就可以了。。希望你幸福。。 晚安 <3 p="p">

apparently he's still not well.. sigh.. worst is i can no longer nag at him..

just hope he can take care of himself.. which i highly doubt.. so just hope the gf wil be sensible enough to do the job..

it's saddening when my concern becomes a bother to ppl i care for.. tsk..

it hurts alot when that sentence was made..

call me petty..

yes i am! when it concerns ppl i cared for especially when it comes to health..

sigh...

ok i shud wash my hands off him alr.. time to stop everything..

onli 1 word to describe my feelings today..

hais............... :(

have u ever fall for someone, declared u likes him.. things were better thn expected.. suddenly overnight, he's attached.. :(

it felt like a billion knife just pierced through my heart..

it was.. terrible..

was expecting his name to flash on my phone the entire day.. keep checking n checking n checking.. of cos.. it nv happen.. missed him terribly much.. thou i was prepared for the outcome.. but i didnt wanna face it.. i noe i have to.. but.. hais :(

how can it hurt so much when i'm alr prepared???

suddenly.. all our CNY plans.. gone.. our drinking session.. gone.. all the beautiful dreams.. gone..

there's someone now.. he no longer needs a listening ear from me.. no longer needs someone to acc him on the phone while travelling.. no longer needs someone to share his happiness with.. it's time i take my leave..

there's a thousand million words i wanna say to him.. a thousand million emotions is overwhelming within me.. but there's nothing i can do now..

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh i need a gd loud cry :(