HAPPY NEW YEAR!
woke up by my phone's smses at ard 2plus pm.. cos stellarnine's suppose to come at 3pm to my place for new year.. oh well.. they didnt come.. onli er cong came.. haha.. we chatted alot sia.. so fun! long time nv reali chat liddat le.. miss it so much =) sisi n yiwei's here too.. but at 6pm sisi send yiwei to take train to work shun bian bring ray they al to my place.. ray, sherlyn,vith and their 2fren came.. forgot their name la lol.. hmm was rather fun la.. at first were very quiet cos everybody shy shy thn me sharon n si went to buy beer for them thn we came back al warmed up le.. haha!they played cards.. thn ate KFC (mummy order de).. thn continue play cards again.. haha! very funny sia they take turns to be suay! haha! ray very yaya he won a 2dollar notes and alot of coins thn he keep the note.. thn i say later wil suay thn he say wont.. but end up he stil lose.. haha!!! thn they keep "cheebye" very loudly =\ thn mummy in room.. OMG tink mummy got heart attack liao.. see me drink see them gamble listen to their language.. -_- lol!! they left at ard 10.30.. hmm well had a happy day =) quite fun la.. haha! oh ya got a new secret! haha sisi n sharon noe le.. gonna tell bing.. tink she'll heart attack ba.. lol!! wahaha.. happy happy happy me =)

COME ON N TRY..=)
wow wow wow.. i just realise that actually there's ppl who wil be affected by watever i say.. wow! am i that great? i guess i am.. see that somebody actually is desperate til she can use such lowly method to "get back" at her once best of the best fren.. haha! wow now i noe.. a fren to her muz be someone who have HIGH intelligent or fame.. wat a nice fren she is.. she herself dun even have them yet she expects these from her fren? ha wat a joke.. never noe that ppl at her age stil plays things like "i'm gonna tell the police!" hahaha! this shows how childish she can be rite.. she may say that she's nt affected by this incident.. yea rite.. how can someone be nt affected when she can blog bout it like EVERYDAY? craps rite? ppl tink bout this.. she the kinda fren who'll leave u if u got cancer! my oh my.. i thot this kinda heartless frens onli appear in tv dramas.. now i finally realise that this kinda creature actually does exist.. thank god i'm nt! thank god i'm nt her fren too.. she's so scared of criticism and couldnt accept them til she have to delete them al.. haha! no wonder she wants ppl who got fame.. cos those are ppl who can hide their feelings and use their words well enuff to not to offend anyone.. oh well this onli shows how fake she can be.. a creature who puts on a mask.. wow! she tinks we're the kinda fren who harms our fren? wow.. look who's talkin.. haha! someone who's tryin al ways to harm her once best fren is sayin we're harming our fren.. hahaha! worlds' biggest joke man.. she wanna make sisi's life miserable? i dun tink that she'll ever succeed.. why? cos i believe sisi wil be so much happier w/o having to care bout that bitch.. worry for her everytime worry that she'll slp ard with any guys out there.. haha.. even if sisi's freedom wil be taken away from her for life.. i guess she'll stil be much happier thn that bitch.. why? cos at least sisi live with a clear conscience.. at least sisi wil stil have us to be there for her and nt some lowly sluts.. even if CHOY CHOY CHOY.. she were to be imprison, we stil wil be there for her.. unlike that slut who'll leave her.. i'm so glad sisi noe who's true n who's not.. that slut wanna do somethin bad to her..?? i onli have this to say.. come on baby.. try al u can.. =) let's see who's better at wrecking someone's life.. i can guarantee u a life long warranty no prob.. n i can guarantee ur cheap plans wont work on us.. =) cos it's too lowly for the govt even to accept.. haha! tink the govt are as boliao as u? come on la.. maturity u say? guess that word exist w/o the meaning in ur dictionary.. haha!

I'm exhausted..
today went to jean yip novena to do facial.. went to find limin.. hmm very shiok la.. haha.. hmm she ask me bout him.. well i told her it's over le lo.. thn she's quite shock la.. oh well.. nothin to be shocked bout la.. haha.. i've thot about our r/s times and times again.. i juz felt this feelin which is very scary.. i felt that we were nt even tgt b4.. it's like juz a dream.. the feeling is very very weird.. it's like does he reali exist in my life? even as a fren? like wat irene say.. maybe it's like wat she feel between her n ter.. it's like either she love him.. or NOTHIN.. they cannot be fren.. this is very complicated.. hmm.. i feel he's from another world and bang into my world and left a deep footprint in my "home" and left juz liddat back to his world.. =\ wow sounds so.. i dunno wat to say.. but i juz reali feel weird.. or maybe i never ever been in his world n he nv been in mine? OMG wat is this? why am i feelin so weirdly? =\ and i thot bout it too.. he's the kinda guy i wan.. and YES he's the one i wan the most in my life! his character his everythin.. but he's not wat i need.. i dunno but i feel he cannot protect me the way i need.. he cannot love me the way i need.. now is a complication of NEED and WAN.. now is i wan him but i dun need him.. but to him, i feel it's i'm wat he needs but he dun wan.. =\ tat's wat i feel la.. like i've said.. maybe i wasnt gd enough for him.. look at my past.. i was a bad girl.. bad til rotten.. =\ but he's such a perfect guy.. he had such a clean background..emi said cannot look at background de ma.. yea true.. but it somehow wil have effect on how u treat ur partner rite? i dunno how to say this.. but i noe if noli he loves me.. hais.. nvm ba i'll take it that the rite guy appeared.. yes he did!! and that's him.. but at the wrong timing.. =\ very wrong timing.. well.. who noes wat'll happen in the future.. now i reali wonder.. do he stil miss the shooting star he once likes? do he stil like shooting star? if no.. wil he like shooting star again? =\ i dunno.. but i noe for me is i love banana.. and i try to accept the lost banana.. but i stil lost the banana that i love.. n now banana wil always be in my mind.. he's the one i love, he's the one i trust, he's the one i'll miss.. no one else.. maybe.. maybe banana wil reali be gone forever.. he had found his happiness somewhere.. and he'll nv wanna see this shootingstar that he once loved again.. hais.. poor shooting star.. well in the first place i've said.. shooting star are meant to be alone.. travel alone and burning their flame no matter how tiring it gets.. til the day the flame dies off and that's when the shooting star ends her life.. and her mission is complete.. to brighten up ppl's life.. i'm nt bein thick skin or wat.. but i'm sure i did brighten up his life at least in the beginning.. i'm the shelter he turned to when he's down.. i'm the one he chose to love when he took a break from loving her.. but.. i'm onli a "shelter in the rain".. when the rain stop.. he'll leave n continue things he do.. and this shelter is always left there waiting for him to come back again.. but if he nv does the shelter stil stays there no matter rain or shine.. i reali felt this way.. when he say he love her again.. this thing strikes me.. "wow i'm onli a shelter for him in the rain.." =\ hais.. how stupid can i be.. where's my shelter thn? i never had a shelter n never believed in finding one.. but why is it so unfair? i reali dunno.. i bein nicebein a shelter for ppl.. yet i got al the hurts and scars.. i have to shed tears for the person when he leaves.. i have to wait for them to come back and can nv find them.. and now.. when this shelter is waiting here al alone sadly.. he's there happying with his life.. happying with the one he love.. wow.. how nice can this feelin be man.. oh well.. like the song said "knowing that u n ur love one is so sweet, that's y i kept quiet n looked after u.. i can onli keep quiet n stand back suffering the pain in silence.." this is reali true for me man.. my tears have been rollin this few days.. i thot i was numb.. but no.. the feelin is stil there.. =\ today's first day of the lunar year.. yet i do not have any mood for it.. i dun feel happy at al.. i dun even feel like doin anythin except to sit down drink n chill and juz tink of things.. hais.. wat's wrong with me??? y do i miss someone who might nt even miss me the bit? why muz i like someone who dun even give a shit bout my happiness? why why why?! why muz he appear? i noe he's the mr right that i wan but why muz he appear at this time? hais.. god.. u're playin with me rite.. pls dun play anymore.. i'm totally exhausted and drained.. pls god.. ur child i cryin.. desperately for ur help.. i dun wanna cry anymore! i dun wanna see tears anymore.. they're blurring my vision.. i dun wanna smoke so much anymore i dun wanna drink anymore i dun wanna be sad anymore.. but.. i cant =.................(

today went to town with si.. hmm had a nice day la.. but abit of prob with that fuckin bitch.. she can bitch bout everythin she wan la.. eh but pls la i'm not even involve in her n si's quarrels why drag me in sia.. she said we were toxicated frens.. HELLO! who's the oxicated one?! and i already kept quiet about it.. that doesnt mean i admit or anythin ok.. i merely wanna ignore such childish things.. but now it's gettin abit too much when she rub salt into my wound.. hey esther.. if u r readin.. i can say u succeeded! congrats! i did felt painful.. u did remind me of my past and u did make me be reminded of him.. THANKS HUH!! u bitch! yea i got ditch by him.. so?! u got no rights to say anythin when u dun even noe a single thing bout us ok.. and pls la u say si til so slut.. tink b4 u say ok.. who's the slut here? i can use my name and swear with it YOU ESTHER POK are the slut here ok! kana fuck by dunno how many ppl b4.. walao tink la hor u got face to face jonahan ma.. haha he muz be a fool to love u man!oh well love is BLIND! thanks for poving it to me.. i reali pity jonathan.. for having such a slutish girlfriend.. i hope he'll regret one day.. dun say i'm bad la.. i'm juz mean! very very mean! oh well.. u push me to the limit.. i've said b4 dun make me hate u.. when i hate u.. it's the end of our frenship.. and i'll make sure u wont live happily.. u can say i'm childish.. but tink la.. who's the childish one? ayin bad things behind our backs? and ask ppl to get out of ur life n stop mentioning ur name.. yet u urself mentioned their name.. LOL! how contricdicting can u be.. wat a bitch who use underhands method to snatch al sisi's fren.. wow! u can slowly enjoy doin it la.. slowly enjoy snatchin al her frens away cos i tink if they were true frens they wont even care bout wat u said.. so since u cansnatch them away from si.. they're no use to sisi as a fre.. sisi dun nid them! u said we were toxicated.. oh well.. let time prove who's the toxicated one ba.. enough bout this bitch.. oh ya like i said.. she rub salt into my wound and now i miss him like fuck.. ytd too i cried terriblyat nite.. i dunno y but when i was goin to ZzZz suddenly al the flashbacks came.. and i see al the times we had al the nice pictures.. thn my tears rolled.. hais.. thn today that bitch liddat! ARGH! fuckin hell.. oh well.. wanted to ask him somethin but.. nvm thn.. maybe it's best not to noe.. i wil never love again.. i've told huron.. i'll be closed up.. not gonna accept anythin.. no more risk am i gonna take.. NO MORE! oya.. and i thot bout it.. maybe.. he reali belongs to the same world as her.. nt me.. i dun deserve someone as gd.. our backgrounds are too different.. maybe he can nv understad me.. oh well.. nvm.. let time help me to be numb ba.. i admit to fate..

wen tout to fareast today awhile with emi n fei er.. thn meet rei n dominic.. thn went to joel's daddy's funeral.. =\ well everythins ok ba.. hope he's fine.. actually wanna go citilink de =\ but oh well.. he's riding! hurhur.. nvm ba.. other days.. joe's stuff's more impt.. hmm met alot of UAN artistes today.. cedric , huron, gary, lynn, carol, romeo, marcus, jonathan, adler, chris.. and the management la.. hmm janet talk to me abit lo.. well.. my future? haha i also dunno.. dance? hmm reali dunno.. she ask me i was unhappy izit.. with my life n uan.. well yes of cos.. my bf left me.. wat else can i feel? haha.. hmm uan? yea i was.. but hopefully wont be in the future.. terrence papa ask me go tns to look at the studio.. well wil ba.. wanna go see too.. romeo they al were abit blur when i say i joined the "singles club" haha.. yea i am single now.. well have to be ba.. gonna be too.. muz hit on my dance le.. dunno wat am i doin also.. hais.. lost.. reali lost.. OMG mama g say i fat le! OMG OMG OMG! but she ask me maintain liddat.. NONONO i wan slimmer! alot more slimmer! haha! oya er cong came too.. =) miss him so much sia.. haha.. that guy disappear for damn long le.. bz guy.. haha! his shooting ending soon! yay! which means we can catch up with one another real soon le.. =) hmm now's home missing him again.. guess my house reali reminds me of hmi.. dunno y also =\ haha.. well tml's another day.. new years' comin.. oh well.. happy new year to al..

went shopping today with bing.. hmm went to bugis and chinatown.. bought alot of stuffs.. spent ard 150bucks.. best part is i drank 3bottles of sugarcane drink.. =\ now tummy damn pain.. omg! argh.. had a hard time gettin wat i wan.. but now i got them.. yay.. finally! well wait for new year le ba.. no mood for it at al.. hais.. =\ bing bought stuff for terrence cos he in NS cannot buy ma.. wah.. damn envy.. hais.. how i wish i can buy for someone too.. =\ saw alot of nice clothes for guys.. keep having the thoughts of buyin for him.. =\ keep forgetting things are liddat now =\ hais.. if onli things were stil the same =\ ARGH! NONONO! xinwei dun tink so much le!!! RAHHHHHHHH!!!

today went shoppin with bing.. hmm very long nv see her le.. nv change haha.. didnt get anythin i like de.. cos there's nothin i like =\ hmm die.. new years' comin yet i haven got anythin =\ OMG~! thn went to citilink to dance.. hmm didnt expect to see him there.. and the best is.. didnt expect that nothin had changed =\ as in the way we behave.. the way he treat me.. hmm one thing that changed is we r nt tgt le lo =\ hais.. dunno le la.. maybe things be this way.. and i'm glad enough le ba.. thank god for everythin.. now got new addition to my clooection le.. one more strawberry yoghurt drink n a candy packet =) from him of cos.. =) hmm stil as thoughtful as ever.. hais.. wat a sweetie he can be.. hmm well.. no longer mine =( argh! dun tink le.. bye..

boring day.. =\ spend my day at home.. or should i say in my room? =\ hais.. life's bored.. to the max.. for me at least.. tried to self-entertain whole day. watched tv, pluck eyebrow, listen song, do song song "arranging", sing, dance, exercise.. =\ boringgggggggggg! =\ not forgetting.. missing him.. =\ whole day man! OMG can i like dun miss him?! my god.. keep wanting to find him.. keep wanting to remind him to eat.. remind him to relax dun stress over his sch stuff.. argh! XINWEI! NONONO! OMG! wish i have more things on my mind other thn him =\ got a song from emi.. "heaven knows" i like one sentence in it.. "maybe my love wil come back someday.. onli heaven knows.." well.. that's my wish that i'll keep deep within me.. but well.. onli heaven knows.. shirley keep askin me to STOP wishin he'll come back.. i noe.. i should STOP wishin.. but this is reali the one and onli wish i had now.. cant i keep it? i'm left with nothin.. nothin from him.. except those memories which even he wanna throw them away.. and this lil guardian piggy.. cant i have this lil wish in me? it's juz a wish.. nothin else rite.. i noe even he come back.. things wil be diff.. nv the same again.. cos when there's a crack.. the crack wil always be there.. listened to SHE's "ai ne" the lyrics are like OMG.. =\ it's like where has the love gone? where's al the promises n ur hug? where's ur love? where's my u? the old happy memories al had changed al gone.. u reali bear to let them go? u reali bear to throw them away? where's my heart? which is hurt.. who had u given my love to? i like this sentence the best! ->i miss the days when u first fall for me.. =\ hais.. i reali miss it.. =\ i'm cryin lesser each day.. i guess it's getting numb.. well gd ba.. i can thn reali do my dance n forget everythin.. i'm using dance to numb myself from everythin.. that's y i'm shutting al doors.. maybe i'll even shut my door to his.. hais.. well too bad.. i'm too deeply hurt.. =\

went out with mum thn went to dance today.. well everythin's the same.. dunno wat to write except for i wanna dance n forget everythin.. yutaki got a new choreo for us.. and it rocks! have a performance on 18feb.. wish it'll come soon.. i wanna dance!!! =\ argh! ytd watched spirited away.. wah damn nice.. damn touchin.. =\ got a part is the grandpa cover blanket for the lil girl.. hurhur.. i also wish there'll be someone who'll cover blamket for me.. =\ be it my family or anyone =\ hais.. i'm al alone now.. have to grow up i guess.. i wish i dun have to.. but =\ hais.. life sux for me now.. so damn empty.. dunno wat to say le.. been havin this terrible headache for damn long le n havin menses cramps.. argh fuck it.. who'll be there for me when i need? hais.. missin him stil.. he wont even reply me.. i guess.. hais.. well i made al this myself.. i should bear al consequences myself too =\ hais....

i miss him =..............................(
i dun wan to but...
hurhur! OMG OMG OMG!
i wanna sms him.. but NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
he might get turn off! =i've typed a damn long sms wanting to send to him =but i manage to pull my finger off the button "send" =i now can onli express how much i miss him here in my own blog =fuck i dun wanna mis him..
but i cant! =(
my minds stil very very very full of him now!
i dunno why! and i dun wan to!
XINWEI WALE UP!
it's OVER it had ENDED he had LEFT!
OMG! hurhur!!!
i wanna cry but i dun wan!
wat should i do?
i dun wanna tink bout him anymore
i dun wanna be sad anymore
i dun wanna mis him
i dun wanna love him
i dun wan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
=..................................(
i miss him when i wake up
i mis him when i'm dancing
i miss him when i'm in the train
i mis him when i'm onilne
i miss him when i'm eating
i miss him when i'm stoning
i miss him when i wanna go to slp
i even mss him when i AM sleeping!
OMG i keep dream of him.. =who can juz drive and bang into me?
so that i can lost my memories.. PLEASE!
ARGH fine.. i juz miss him.. like crazy..
know the song "i miss u like crazy?"
i miss him more thn that =wil he noe how much i miss him?
wil he noe i'm stil waiting for him?
wil he miss me too?
wil he miss the things we've shared the times we've shared?
hais......................
i remember him sayin this
"dear it's not suppose to be a sad thing when u miss me when we're tgt.."
hais so now it's alrite to be sad cos i mis him n we're nt tgt.. anymore..
boy miss u.. =........................(

I CURSE HIM!
i curse him fall like shit when riding!
i curse him get caught in the rain!
i curse his bike fall apart!
i curse him wont have any happy days ahead!
i curse hm to fail his exams!
i curse him go NS kana tekan!
i curse him got nothin to eat!
i curse him wil never find happiness!
i curse him to go thru wat i am goin thru!
i curse him fall into the toilet bowl!
i curse him fall off his bed!
i curse his HP spoile!
i curse his gum bleed worst!
i curse him get headaches every min every sec!
i curse his wrist hurt more! or even break!
i curse him no bright future!
i curse him cannot die juz live a torturous life!
i curse him all his frens wil hate him!
i curse him i wont love him anymore!
i curse him i'll hate him!
i curse him wil regret breakin with me!
i curse him wil be guilty al his life!
i curse him cant find toilet when he need one!
i curse him fall sick every now n then!
i curse him.. i curse him..
i curse him everythin that i had cursed wont come true..=cos i wan none of these things bad to happen to him.. =ok fine i'm juz too soft.. argh! shitty me!

ending.. it's the end.. i fight so much for it n i'm terribly hurt.. i've learn that i muz let go.. when things go wrong.. nv hold on anymore.. he had hurt me totally.. totally shattered.. i'm juz too tired to move on.. like i say.. i'll juz stay and wait.. wait til the day he come back? mabe never.. but i'll juz wait i guess it's the best way to rest.. and to take a break.. i've been hurt straight in a row.. twice.. by 2 diff guy.. i never wan this again and i can never take anymore blows.. i wil be stronger n better.. juz give me time.. he say we can stil be frens.. haha wat a nice thing rite.. fren.. when the hell can frenship end? i never understand it if it ends.. ppl say.. once a fren always a fren i guess it's very true cos.. frenship can never end.. even if u say it had ended.. tink.. wil u stil tink of the somebody? wil u stil care for him/her secretly in ur heart? haha the ans wil be a yes.. no matter how u hate that person.. u'll stil care.. well.. that's frenship i guess.. i dunno wat am i gonna do to our frenship well i guess.. it depends on him totally.. if he can within one day treat me from a lover til a fren who dun even talk i have nothin to say.. i cant stop the way i treat me as nice so fast.. but i wil hold back.. i wil slowly let myself nt to treat him tat gd.. he tinks i treat him as a pet.. a dog.. haha well maybe the way i love him is wrong.. too much of love can drown someone.. it's ok i've learn.. i wil nv treat any guy as gd as i wil.. i wil be the princess in the future.. and well the best part is.. i wont allow myself to love anyone so damn easily anymore.. everythin is a lie.. a lie that makes me fall.. xinwei wil be strong i had build a castle in me made of ice.. who can melt this castle? who wil wanna give his al to melt this castle? this castle onli grant special access to him and him alone.. at least for now.. but no matter wat.. even if next time a guy manage to step into this castle.. that "he" wil stil stay.. he'll forever be in this castle of mine.. cos he lives in me even thou things have ended.. i can say it did not end totally cos he stil lives in me.. everythin he do in his life is stil in me.. al the memories al the love we both once shared wil always be in me.. cos they mean alot.. to hm they maybe something that can be delete, erase or even forgotten.. but like wat he said as well memories stayed in our mind n heart.. forever they'll stay.. unless i lost my memory which i reali wish to.. but.. well.. since they'll stay.. i shall be thankful.. tat's enough le.. that can keep me surviving the next part of my life.. i wanna stop cryin everynite already.. and i hope this ending can help me.. stop missing him and stop loving him.. like him is the maximum i allow myself.. this is tough.. i noe.. but i wil wanna be juz like this.. onli hope he'll come back to me one day.. if we're reali meant to be.. i juz cant believe everythin ended like in 2weeks? haha.. nice huh.. i have a feelin.. we'll somehow continue one day.. well it's onli a feeling.. dun have to hope for more.. bye ppl.. let me rest a few days ba.. the blow is too big for me.. when the person i love actually dislike me already.. from heaven i drop straight to hell.. i'm tryin to stand out of hell now and i believe i can.. trust me ppl.. thanks everyone who had been there for me.. have faith in me.. i'll live better n stronger.. -loves-

Everythin is a Fuck..
ytd quarrelled with him again.. dun wanna say much al i noe is i am shattered.. damn shattered.. he's the first guy that made me lost my mind like this.. =\ i sadi the wor fuck.. ok i was wrong.. i was outta my mind.. for one moment i wish to juz leave as in reali leave everythin.. hais.. i'll force myself to leave.. fine.. i'll juz be stupid enough to juz wait n wait til miracle happens ba.. omli hope he'll keep those memories n misses them at times.. hope i'll stil be someone special to him at least..
i juz realise how stupid i am.. ha! he wanna be this mean.. i got nothin to say.. he deleted my testimonial.. fine..! he can even delete me from EVERYTHIN thn! dun wan me as a fren also FINE WITH ME! cant believe wat a fool am i! even wanna spend few hundred bucks on him! even wanna wait for him juz to pass him a present! even wanna give up everythin for him! XINWEI WAT A FOOL U R!!!!!!!

Everythin is a Fuck..
ytd quarrelled with him again.. dun wanna say much al i noe is i am shattered.. damn shattered.. he's the first guy that made me lost my mind like this.. =\ i sadi the wor fuck.. ok i was wrong.. i was outta my mind.. for one moment i wish to juz leave as in reali leave everythin.. hais.. i'll force myself to leave.. fine.. i'll juz be stupid enough to juz wait n wait til miracle happens ba.. omli hope he'll keep those memories n misses them at times.. hope i'll stil be someone special to him at least..

today went to collect dearie's pressie.. hmm nicely done.. yup.. thn went to get hair dye thn went home le lo.. nothin much la.. thn at nite mummy brought me to seletar there.. sat there quite awhile to enjoy the breeze.. wah damn lotsa feeling come straight =\ felt reali shitty.. felt like cryin but i cant.. i teared.. hais.. everynite i teared.. nothin special already.. ha.. like i said.. i'm making my own "waterbed" ha.. hmm reali dunno la.. damn emo.. dun wanna noe the truth but yes i noe the truth.. and the truth is juz like a knife piercing straight thru me.. dun he feel guilty? dun he at least like me anymore? is it reali true like wat i said "he hates me"? hais.. i reali dunno.. maybe.. maybe he reali hates me.. he gets turned off whenever my sms is received.. he gets turned off whenever i online.. he gets turned off. whenever he sees me.. hais.. i dunno bu if this isnt true pls say it to me.. if not i'll juz take it as that.. i keep wondering.. how wil things be like when it's reali over.. =\ wil he stil talk to me? wil he stil chat with me on phone or msn? when i'm lonely wil he acc me? when i'm sad wil he be there for me? when i need a hug wil he give me? i have like thousands of things on my mind.. i reali dunno.. maybe i'm running away.. well i reali reali dunno.. like i say can juz a accident happen to me? if i die.. GD! no worries.. if nt thn let me fall into a deep coma.. let me lose my memories.. let me be disfigured.. so that i can go for plastic surgery and have a new life.. hais.. i feel shitty.. i reali do.. can i juz be like the wind..? juz go where ever i wanna go and juz come n go.. god.. pls help me.. -"maybe someday he'll come back to me.. maybe.."- as long as i'm stil alive this hope stays alive.. and at the same time.. if this hope dies.. yes.. xinwei is dead.. let me live or die.. is in ur hands.. very very very disappointed with everythin now.. if u dare say u nv lie.. fine.. i got nothin to say..

went to town to make dear's bday pressie.. hais was rather sad cannot spend with him =\ he got bikers' chalet.. hais.. sian.. nvm la i dun expect anythin more le.. my heart's dead.. tml have to go collect his pressie.. thn today after that went to citilink to dance.. he's there as well.. hmm wanted to have a hug but.. nvm la.. i didnt ask for it.. yup.. i juz dance like mad lo.. didnt care bout anythin juz dance.. didnt wanna bother him as well.. so he ride his bike i dance my dance lo.. cant take my eyes off him.. reali dunno y.. argh! didnt wanna look at him at al but i juz cant control my stupid eyes =\ sian.. hais.. but juz love to see him riding.. ok nvm me.. we didnt talk much too.. juz abit.. got abit emo la but manage to get myself outta it.. =) thn b4 we left i tell him i gotta go thn he's like "why so early" thn i say si need to reach home early ma.. i pass him some coins cos i noe he got not enough to eat.. nothin much la cos i'm broke too.. yup.. he didnt wanna take but i insist.. cant imagine him not eatin lo.. hais.. tat's al i can do for him le ba.. went home after that and now am online.. nothin else le.. that's my boring day.. life sucks..

Just a Fucked Up Day =\
argh! everythin seems so sucky! slept at 6am thn have to go dance at 11am.. my god.. i'm like so damn stone! but i tell myself I MUZ GO! i cannot let yutaki and everyone else down.. including myself.. i went la.. but was late.. the best part is.. yutaki was 1hour later! OMG! we wasted 1hour there.. hais.. the dance was ok la.. no choreo today juz purely technical training.. hmm i dun like them.. but well somethin new i guess.. it's jazz BTW.. hmmm very not used to it and my lines sux -______- argh! but was glad that sisi was back in dance again.. mikal n schizo too.. hope they'll b more determined this time round ba.. my legs are trembling rather badly today.. cos of al the training.. it's not reali tough la but well it's somethin new n first time ma.. am sure it'll get much more tougher =\ tough ba! torture me pls!!! i need many many many this kinda things now to keep my mind away from "that thing" =\ after dance i called dear.. hopin he'll wanna meet today.. cos it's said that we'll meet de ma.. =\ thn hais.. juz as i expected la.. he dun wanna meet =\ i know is he dun wan de la.. well maybe.. maybe he reali is startin to dislike me.. =\ if not why he dun even wanna see me.. maybe the "like" feelin also no more le=\ hais.. i feel like shit now la.. fuckin hell! argh! thn my mood went lower.. thn had no where to go.. actually suppose to go out with mummy but cos of our date i told her i cant =\ thn now i'm like.. no where to go! =( thn i went to sisi place lo.. her ah gong bday today so juz went to wish him happy bday too.. slacked my day off with sisi.. we went to causeway point to walk abit thn juz talked for the whole day.. hmm was rather no mood for anythin today la =\ dunno la damn sian! thn when at home warao ehhh! my monitor BURST! OMG! wat i mean? my monitor suddenly got alot of "piak piak piak" sound thn suddenly "BIANG" the screen went of =\ warao eh! super suay day ar! lucky i got spare monitor.. if not i sure can go eat shit n bang wall til i die! >.< irritating day! RAHHHHHHH!

emi send me this song.. i tink it's reali like me n her feeling now.. when we lost the one we reali love.. thou this is a christian song but it somehow mean alot to me.. the "you" in this song can mean him.. can mean my mum.. can mean clover and can mean god.. when it mean him.. it's like.. i wont dare to say forever but at least i believe he'll be the onli love i'll need.. at least someone like him.. the way he cared for me.. the way he treated me in the begginning.. and he had been the one for me when my dreams and hopes are shattered.. when i totally gave up on love.. he picked me up again.. he gave me back my confidence.. but sadly he broke it again.. yes.. when i found him, i reali was blessed.. i swear i'll never wanna lose him but i've lost it.. the chorus mean alot to me when it comes to talk bout him.. it's like.. imagine me without him.. i'll be so lost n confuse.. indeed i am now.. very very very lost n confuse.. my life was worthwhile when i have him.. but now it seems so dark again.. he did caught me when I was falling.. his love lifted me back on my feet but now i fell again..It WAS like he heard my calling And he rushed to set me free.. but now he gave up on me.. and as for when it's talkin bout my mum n my frens.. yea.. i cant live without them as well.. if now i dun have them i guess i would have been in hell or heaven already.. i'm serious ok! haha.. and as for god.. yes.. it's the same thing.. when there's no one to turn to, i can turn to him and him alone. he ans my prayers and hears my cry.. he gave me comfort when i'm down and put me back on my feet again.. it's like a daddy teachin his kids how to stand and walk when they are juz a baby.. he's the one who guided me n gave me watever i have n teach me.. thou he's also the one who takes everythin away.. but well maybe he have his plans.. i reali dunno rite.. hmm dunno la this song reali nice.. meaningful! anyway today wen to ktv with si n gang thn went to watch funkamania.. cried terribly in ktv but hmmm felt better ba.. jean got best female dancer! OMG she's my hero! i wanna be like her.. and her team got champion! they're reali awesome! wish next year is our turn ba! jiayou ba everyone.. tml goin yutaki's lesson thn goin out with dearie.. hopefully everythin wil be nice.. =\ -pray-

As long as stars shine down from Heaven
And the rivers run into the sea
'Til the end of time, forever You're the only love I'll need

In my life, You're all that matters In my eyes,
the only truth I see
When my hopes and dreams have shattered
You're the one that's there for me

When I found You I was blessed
And I will never leave You
I need You

Imagine me without You
I'd be lost and so confused
I wouldn't last a day
I'd be afraid without You there to see me through
Imagine me without You Lord,
You know it's just impossible
Because of You It's all brand new
My life is now worth while
I can't imagine me without You

When You caught me I was falling
Your love lifted me back on my feet
It was like You heard my calling
And You rushed to set me free
When I found You I was blessed
And I will never leave You
I need You

I can't imagine me without You

Empty..
went to have breakfast with clover today.. at 6+am.. at chong pang.. hmmm was very ston cos didnt ZzZz.. =\ how to ZzZz liddat man =\ thn we ate n chatted alot.. they keep tryin to cheer me up.. we talk bout the past.. when in sec sch.. i miss it man =\ it's so carefree! hais.. thn today he nv reply my sms =\ i feel f***ing empty sia! =\ it's like OMG he dun even wanna be frens anymore? i'm not even special ALREADY?! he say he stil likes me alot.. dun tell me that's lie also lor.. =\ i hope not ba.. hais.. when watching funkamania i cant get high at all.. =\ my mind's juz very very lost.. but i did see la.. some of them reali gd.. if onli i can be like them.. thn when i was watchin i thot to myself.. are the smiles on them real? are they reali happy? when onstage, u're putting up a show.. to entertain everyone out there.. but when off stage.. wat are them? how are they like? =\ OMG i cant imagine behind al the smiles it's al tears n anger.. =\ hais.. lucky i'm not performin now.. i cant imagine i have to put up a fake smile.. =\ when in train goin to town, i listened to sly's "that's why" i teared.. i never cried in train b4! how can i!!! hais.. reali dunno le la.. my life now.. BIG MESS! i feel that i wan a new life.. and i need it! i feel that my love life i reali should take a longgggggg break.. at least a year? i dun even dare to look at guys now.. it's juz the "I DUN WAN!" feeling.. i thot to myself i wanna juz dance n dance n dance til i drop this year.. no matter wat happen juz dance.. so i have to leave my love life behind.. =\ but i noe it'll be hard for me.. i've been holdin on to this thing called love so damn tightly.. but now have to let it rest.. OMG! hais.. but i know i'll stil love him as much.. i'll stil wait for him.. =\ i noe nothin wil come out of it.. but nvm la.. juz be there lo.. til my rite guy finds me? or til he tinks i'm the one? hais i reali dunno.. i dun deny i stil have false hopes.. =\ i'm stil hoping things wil turn out fine.. but.. aiyo i reali dunno la!!! my god! can i juz be sleeping beauty? juz ZzZz til my guy finds me.. =\ juz watched a video on final fantasy.. OMG i cried terribly! the girl have to lose the guy.. no choice.. well.. i tink life's always liddat ba.. u always cant be tgt with the one u reali love =\ sisi told me ytd.. in ur life there'll be 3guys u'll meet.. 1)the one u love 2)the one who loves u 3)the one u married.. they wil definitely be 3diff guy.. i tink bout it.. yea quite true.. it'll be hard to get al of them the same person.. =\ sad ehh.. hais i'm in a lost land now.. i heard this sentence from dunno where juz now "when one thing is lost.. u'll wanna n have to find it.." ok i'm finding now.. i'm stil tryin my best to find my banana back.. maybe that's the "resting" season i'll give to my love life ba.. in my mind everythin is a dunno now.. hais.. god pls guide me.. -_- i need u now.. hais...

this song "that's why.." mean alot now.. it's time i be the hero again.. i guess.. maybe by letting go.. things wil turn out fine.. i hope ba..

when i first saw u..
u got this special power..
i realise i want to get close to u..
but when i next saw u..
i wasnt reali happy..
cos i realise our gap..

is this love or u r too beautiful?
tat make me do impossible things..
all i noe is i wan to see u happy..
anythin i'm willin as long i can get close to u..

i can onli hide watever i wanna say to u in my heart..
cos i onli wan u to be happy..
i noe i wil suffer and sad but i'm willin..
no matter wat weather no matter where u r..
i noe u n ur guy is so sweet..
so i kept quiet n watched over u..
whenever i saw him holding ur hand my tears rolled..
i can onli stand back n kept quiet..
standing the pain in silence..

is it love or u r too beautiful?
i'm like went mad over you..
can onli noe i wanna get close to u..

i reali dun understand why i always have to be the "HERO" in love.. i reali dun! i always lost battles.. i lost to her! i cant believe it! i cant imagine him back with her.. i seriously cant.. i trusted him so much.. yet.. hais.. i can onli "stand back n keep quiet n suffer ba" yes true enough i want him! i want him VERY much! but i cant get his smiles.. why i failed? why i failed again n again? haven i done enough? i wont give them my blessing i swear i wont! in fact i curse them! i curse they'll not have a happy ending! i curse she'll suffer more thn me! i'm mean.. yes i am! so wat? i've suffered so much n am stil suffering.. and am goin to continue suffer more! wat more u wan?! i wish time'll turn back to those days where he juz like me.. nothin more.. maybe i'll be happier.. his care for me.. at tat time is reali enough le.. one last wish i reali wan is for him to care for me as much as tat time.. his happy smiles his happy voice.. and seriously i dun wanna see him attach! i reali dun wan! thou i noe he'll be happy tat way.. but i cant accept it.. when have i become so selfish! my god! hais.. wil he stil care? wil he stil miss me? wil he stil wanna hear my voice as much? wil he stil wanna get close to me? wil we be tgt again? to complete al our things? wil he ever love me again? wil he reali let me down? hais.. i reali dunno.. everythin seems to have collapsed.. my life is tear apart.. my fragile heart cant withstand anymore blows.. i seriously think tat way.. he made me stronger n he made me weak.. he made me smile n he made me cry.. now i dunno where to find my strength back.. i reali dunno.. somehow i envy sisi n schizo.. i dunno y.. but i tink she's better thn me.. thou i noe she's in a bad state too.. at least he cares for her.. at least he likes her.. but wil he stil like me? as much as ever? if i get hungry wil he buy food for me? if i wanna see him wil he wanna meet me? if i need a hug wil he give me? if i need a shoulder to cry on wil he lend me? if i need someone on the phone wil he acc me? hais.. i wish the ans is a yes.. i hope he'll treat me as someone who's more special thn a fren.. of cos i wish he'll treat me as his gf.. but i noe.. it wont.. i'll juz have this empty hope there ba.. hopin it'll be filled.. so at least he'll treat me less thn a gf but more thn a fren? i wanna be someone special to him cos he's reali someone that's so special to me.. now and always.. i dun say for fun.. reali.. i mean them.. i reali dunno.. i'm lost.. totally lost.. =(

Lost..
washiin my face with tears.. i accept the truth.. she over me.. i've lost this battle.. i noe i've lost it.. how can my love lost to someone liddat.. i'm not happy! i dun admit defeat! wo bu fu qi!!! my love.. my everythin.. have lost to time.. he rather choose someone who treat him liddat but tgt for so long thn me who give him my all but tgt for onli a month.. cant believe it reali! he said he n her have unfinished things.. but wat about us? dun we have unfinished things as well?! we have MORE unfinished things ok! i thot things wil not change.. i thot he'll love me again.. cos he said he do stil love me.. thou not as much.. i'm willing to give in my all when i dun have the faith but why cant he? i noe he dun belong to me anymore.. to him, she's everythin but to me, he's everythin.. i reali cannot believe i've lost him.. i'll be stronger.. i'll find the xinwei back.. her smile her soul.. tat had been taken away.. i wan this JON to regret.. i wan my banana back.. who is this JON that i call dear everynite? who is this JON that i'm crazy over for? who the hell is he?! and where has he taken my banana to?! where has he hide him? strawberry reali misses her banana.. so damn fuckin much! where's the cute funny sweetie banana?! I WANT HIM BACK!!!! I WAN BANANA! =( now strawberry's damn lost.. cos her banana's lost.. she cant move on.. she wants to look for him.. she wants to find him.. tat's al she wants.. she wan banana to walk with her.. finish this path with her.. get lost JON! give me back my BANANA! RETURN HIM TO ME!!!!!!! u idiot! how can u take over him! how can u break strawberry's heart without banana's consent! it's banana that she love.. i beg of u la.. bring him back can ornt! strawberry's living in dispair.. everythin for her has collapsed! can u like dun take away her last one n onli banana?! return him to me!!! tat's my onli wish.. i onli wan him.. him n him alone.. i'll wait.. wait n wait n wait.. suffer in silence ba.. i love him.. banana fondue................................................................

A Plain Day..
hmm today went to work lo.. wahbiang.. was awaken by a stupid nightmare n tat kept me awake.. or should i say i dun dare to sleep.. =\ a very very weird nightmare.. like totally out of no where de =\ weird sia! argh dun talk bout it.. dunno wat's that suppose to mean also haha! thn followed by many calls from darren to tell me that dex wan us to go shop earlier -________- OMG la.. i'm like super daze la.. stil muz go earlier.. wah bong eh.. thn i slept back wahaha! thn dearie called me to wake me up.. haha of cos when he's the one callin things are diff.. wahaha.. sorry darren..! =X heehee.. dearie's call waked me up.. thn i went to prepare to go work le lo.. stil in a daze mode la.. lol! thn went to SMU.. ehh anyhow figured my way there haha! super blurr.. =\ but somehow manage to reach there la.. thank god! haha! wah today's roadshow super sucky! imagine the strength is 1500 but end up NONE of them came to sign up =\ not even to ask bout the plans.. warao eh.. waste my time sia! neh neh pok! thn that stupid darryl also very NICE sia.. throw me alone there thn i fall asleep ma.. thn he juz walk away w/o tellin me anythin.. -faints- thn i slept for an hour lei.. =\ thn when wake up super lost.. thn i called darren tell him to come over.. haha! thn darren came over lo.. wah felt super sucky cos the weather's like super cold thn i'm alone =\ hurhur! i KO alot of time there haha.. thn darren is like "oei dun sleep lei.. ask me come thn u sleep!" haha! but cant help it la.. reali very tired.. dunno y sia.. like super drained! haha! thn actually roadshow til 5pm thn can go back shop.. but we at 4.30 go back liao.. reali cannot stand it! too bored.. lol! thn we went back to shop and i grabbed a bar of chocolate too make myself awake haha! oh ya! saw a girl today SUPER pretty sia.. erm i mean she have pretty eyes.. very cute very dreamy! err i sound like a lesbian now lol! but reali la reali very pretty! SMU alot of pretty girls sia! haha! =X i'm straight ok! i got a bf ok! haha! thn went back to shop super slack haha! me n darren was fighting over the laptop to go online.. lol! he use msn i use window messenger.. haha! "stole" a few songs from it haha! nice wor! thn we juz slack n slack time flies le.. lol! it's time to end work! yay! me n darren thn went to eat at mac.. ate abit la.. cos over-hungry become full liao haha! wanted to eat subway but that stupid darren dun wan! sian! nvm next time thn eat haha! thn went home straight le lo.. today didnt contact dearie much la.. cos he's real bz.. tml's his BIG DAY in sch.. so i try to leave him alone.. =) hope he's doin fine ba.. juz sms him to remind him to eat lo.. i reali muz be understandin at tis point of time.. cos even darren say i muz give him time.. cos now is the crucial time for him.. darren had juz grad so i guess he understand wat dearie is goin thru ba.. hmm actually i tink also true la.. i mean if is me thn i also wil wan to concentrate on my studies first ma.. for now i'll juz be there for him in silence lo.. =) juz give him al the space n time to prepare for him sch stuff.. i may nt understand how tough it is.. cos i've nv been thru it.. i've nv take studies seriously =\ but of cos i wil la now that i noe no sch wil die le lol! so hope dearie wil understand me this point as well lo.. hmmm now i've learn haha! so happy a new thing to learn =) al i wanna say is DEARIE JIAYOU!!!! *muacks* wahaha! yea! tml, sat n sun wil be occupied by things.. tml got work thn goin to see funkamania.. thn sat either go see funkamania or go find dearie at citilink if he's riding.. or both! wahaha! thn sunday's our day out!!!! wahaha OMG i now imagining we go out le =) so happy sia! wah seh if sat also nt seeing him i'll be so proud of myself eh.. lol! why? cos i nv see him for 4days if sat's included! wahaha! xinwei! so proud of u! lol!!! yay! i'm stronger thn ever a little bit more le =) hmm.. did have a happy smooth one month anni =) thank god~! wil write my nite prayer later ba.. if i got the feel to write lol! =)

Our First Month..
on this rainy day.. on this filled with feelings nite.. it is our first month anniversary.. one of the days i've been waiting for.. but.. i dun seem to be reali happy when the clock strikes 12.. =\ it seems juz like any other days out there.. am i reali tat not special at al?? does our r/s reali means nothin to him? hais.. i dun wanna be sad.. i dun wanna cry.. but.. hais.. why?! i juz need more of his care.. nothin else.. is it reali that hard? why cant time turn back to when it was before x'mas? why muz god treat me this way? i'm juz a girl who needs love n attention.. i did nothin wrong did i? but WHY?! why is heaven so unfair to me? yes.. heaven did give me happiness.. but it lasted just for 2weeks.. 2miserable weeks..! well.. since i'm stupid enough to choose this path.. thn i shall bear al the consequences ba.. cant blame him.. cant blame god.. cant blame anyone but myself.. who choose to suffer in silence n to wait.. wait for the day when i can truly smile again.. well who knows.. the day might or might nt come.. but i'm willin to wait.. ha.. a foolish girl am i eh.. nvm.. i'll wait for the real HAPPY anniversary thn.. anyone's who's affected by this blog can simply hack care me ok.. i'm juz abit mad n needed a space to throw my nonsense out.. thanks..

Raining day..
hmm went to mac juz now to meet si.. thn saw mikal.. juz slacked my day off.. tml got work.. dunno wanna be happy or sian haha! like walao on 12th lei!!! -_______- sian! but since nothin to do thn work lo.. rained whole nite today.. was stucked at mac.. haha thn receive sms from emi.. sayin vith broke up with her =\ OMG! i'm like WTF la..! thot they'll last rather long.. somemore goin to be one month already things should be better de ma.. thn ytd they also like happy happy.. =\ aiyo.. stupid sia.. cant help her at al too.. can onli be there for her le lo.. =\ wah weather this few days damn cold sia!! shiver quite jialat =\ si came up with this funny thingy.. she say now wil scared of cold cos slim down le no fats to protect.. walao -faints- haha!! talk bout fats.. OMG i ate curry chicken today! damn damn damn fattenning ar!!!! cannot cannot muz slim down more! determination!!!! haha! hmm miss dearie alot now haha! today he got sch stuff to do so i leave him alone lo.. hmm cannot be too sticky also ma.. tml's our anniversary.. but he got sch stuff as well! ARGH sian! nvm ba.. postpone to sat or sun =) suddenly dunno wat to blog bout today haha.. so lifeless now.. lol! okok ba end my bloggy here le.. HAPPY ONE MONTH BABY!!! MUACKS!!!! =)

HOHOHO..
boring day -____________- haha.. but okok la tryin very hard to keep myself bz today.. when i wakey i sms dearie lol tink i'm mad le.. dunno why i sms him "how's the paper?" lol i thot he got paper today.. thn when he reply thn i tnk oh.. is irene not him.. haha! he is project today.. haha i'm reali mad le.. had a sweetie dream today haha! shhh sweet dreams shouldnt be said out.. if nt later wont come true haha! drank dearie buy for me the strawberry drink haha.. dun bear to drink it man.. like hurhur is he buy de lei.. if onli i can keep it forever! haha! nvm i'll keep the bottle lalala! heex.. was chatting with shirley bout some life issue wahbiang life for me is reali reali bored now la =\ like nothin to do everyday.. tml got work anyway haha! but sian la tml is 12jan lei.. walao! our 1st month anni.. hurhur! nvm da.. dearie also got sch stuff.. sat or sun thn we go out ba.. haha! lookin forward to it.. heehee! oya was talkin bout my boring life.. hmm i thot about it.. actually i tink i should enjoy these "boring" days now.. cos see huh.. next month i'll get my result thn i have to plan for sch le.. thn for 3full years i'll have to study and after that hopefully my dance life is gonna take it's place.. i'll be goin japan as planned la.. but dunno la.. not sure also.. if reali goin japan thn wah imagine how busy my life wil be by thn.. haha! so maybe now i reali should enjoy this long break and take this rest ba.. okok goin out to slack with si le.. gdbye! blog again tonite.. haha! *muacks*

Cherish..
oh man.. i read joseph's blog n he talked bout his fren's saddy story.. wah i now read le i also felt the pain man =\ not on me la but for the guy.. it's something like a couple quarrelled over some small stuff and suay enough they met with an accident.. =\ erm it's a gay couple by the way.. one of them didnt managed to survive the accident and left the world just liddat =\ the other party was reali reali sad.. during the funeral, the guy who survived didnt cry.. i guess he was too sad to cry.. u noe the kind of reali sad til u're like super numb? yea.. i guess tat's tat.. oh man! thn he cried onli when before the cremation.. ya that's the time when ur tears go mad la.. it's always liddat.. haha~ oopss shouldnt be laughin now =\ yea.. after readin it i reali agreed to wat joseph wrote "Dear friends, i strongly urge that we should appreciate and cherish our love ones be it father, mother, GF, BF, sister, BROTHER and good frens..coz u might not know wat is happening next...it will be too late to regret as time doesn't turn back for u....yar...." true? it's like we'll reali never know wat'll happen the next min of our lives.. i may just fall asleep and leave just liddat.. CHOY! but who knows.. the future is always unpredictable.. cherish is the word that's always mentioned.. but not proven.. we humans always say we'll cherish this we'll cherish that.. but tink.. did we reali cherish it? it's always we wait til we lost the thing are something terrible happen thn we'll realise the importance of it.. agree? even i do.. i dun deny i'm liddat sometimes too.. but we al have to learn.. and since life's so unpredictable.. i also think that we should just live happily with wat we have now.. i mean i believe things come into my life for a reason one la.. even SHITTY stuffs muz have got their reason for being there.. we should reali be glad they do happen n live with wat we have now isnt it? i'm tryin not to change my life or anythin in my life now.. but of cos changes do occur la haha! i mean i'll stay happy with wat's in my life n never turn back.. oh ya.. juz now dunno where saw this quote "dun look back on wat had happened or had passed.. cos if u turn back, u're not letting it end.. and if it doens't end.. things gonna get bad for ur future.." hmm i dun reali noe wat the person mean when he/she says this but i feel true.. we reali muz look forward for anythin.. be prepared for the future not the past.. rite? haha.. and chatted with andreas abit juz now.. he got quite a few nice sentences as well.. he showed me this "when i first met u, i was afraid to talk to u.. when i first talked to u, i was afraid to like u.. when i first liked u, iwas afraid to love u.. and now that i loved u.. i was afraid i'll lose u.." haha.. true man! my thots for this is "why are humans always so afraid???" haha! we should stay contented i guess.. cos life's always changing.. he also said this "last nite i looked up at the sky and i named each star with a reason why i love u.. i was doin fine but soon after, i ran out of stars.." wahahahaa! i love this one.. nice! now i noe y i love stars so much lol! but now keep raining la stupid clouds covered al my stars! %##$&&*%&! but nvm.. weather goes with my emotions haha.. dunno y also.. ever since aug it's been like this.. see.. today i'm happy and it didnt rain.. at least nt on my side la.. cloudy thou.. wah today very "life talked" haha~ but true la.. i juz say watever i feel n wanna write them down.. oh and i was chattin with kai.. he ask me wat i'm gonna do in my life.. i said gonna study this year so might finish sch onli when i'm 21.. by thn i'll (hopefully) be able to go japan for dance.. i dun mean migrate la but juz go for like a month or so? hopefully i can travel ard to learn dance from diff countries.. =) dearie once said he'll go with me la.. but things are dif now so hmmm dunno la.. haha.. of cos i dun wish to travel alone.. but well.. like i've said i tink that dancers are lonely souls.. we travel alone, we learn alone.. we progress never as a grp.. but hopefully god'll prove me wrong.. =) well am depending on god alot now.. leavin everythin in his hands.. hopefully everythin wil turn out fine.. my dance life, my sch life, my work life, my frens circle and of cos to me most importantly.. my love life =) tml's gonna be another slackin day at home =\ siannnnnn nvm god'll have plans for me! i hope... haha! since i'm so free now guess i'll juz type my prayers out ba..

My Prayer of the day..
God.. i pray that everything wil be well.. for me and everyone ard me.. i pray for safety on this cold season that no one wil fall sick.. i pray for protection from temptation that we'll not sin.. i pray for strength mentally n spiritually that we can overcome al difficulties.. al obstacles in life are laid by u.. onli u can help us overcome them.. wanna pray for my mum.. that she'll not be sick.. that she'll quit smokin n know wat's rite n wrong.. pray that she can control her temper better n that uncle wil treat her well.. i pray for irene.. thou she's the lucky one among us but am sure she has her own problems as well.. she's a strong girl and one that can always give great advices.. i thank u for her n may everythin goes smoothly for her this year lord! i pray for sisi.. a strong girl but had fallen now.. i pray that everythin wil be fine real soon.. and that she'll be able to see wat's the truth.. lord.. remove the blind fold that's stopping her from seein the truth and help her to make the rite choice! i pray for sharon.. life has been rather smooth for her.. and smooth yea but happy abit no la.. i can onli pray for happiness for her.. wish she'll be able to find her mr right soon and of cos hopefully is reali a MR RIGHT! watch over her as she live day by day.. and give her the strength.. i pray my my dearie jonathan.. lord... now maybe a tough time for him.. cos of his sch stuff n of cos our r/s.. i pray that as his exams period are comin.. u'll guide him along n show him ur way.. watched over his presentation on fri and that everythin wil go smoothly for him.. from wat i know.. he's a very innocent child of urs.. it's gd n bad.. gd cos he's not "corrupted".. unlike me.. i've learn things the harsh way.. and i thank u that he dun have to learn it that way.. bad cos he might just get cheated or bullied.. i pray that u'll reali watch over this guy n give him al the strength and knowledge to do things that he wants.. and oh yes! pls protect him n help him get his bikes' stuff done real well.. i know that's his passion.. and strong enough for him to do anythin to get that.. but lord.. he reali dunno how to take care of himself.. i pray that u'll help him to recover from al the injuries real soon.. and pls dun let more injuries come ok.. he may say it's not painful but i know.. it is painful.. i also pray that u'll miraculously cure his wrist.. it's rather permanent from wat i know and i pray that it'll juz get better and stop hurting.. i pray for myself.. that u'll protect me from al harms now.. i feel that my life is like a tiny boat sailing in a big ocean with a stormy weather now.. im facing alot of changes n dificulties mentally n spiritually.. but lord.. give me the strength to overcome them and guide me along too.. teach me from everyday's lesson n make me learn.. i've gotten almost everythin i wan now and i'm reali thankful.. now teach me how to keep them n cherish.. i've been so lost in my life for the past 18years n now i tink it's reali time for me to grow up n learn the reality.. this lesson is hard lord! ur little child is suffering alot now.. but she's stil strong enough to go on with the lessons.. give me more strength and wisdom as i live.. help me change my thinking and the way i see things.. there's changes in me already n it's rather obvious but lord.. i'm stil int he middle of the path! haha.. help me walk thru it ok! i pray for al my frens.. that they'll be safe from this scary weather.. make them remember to bring their jackets to work or sch and make them noe how to take care of themselves! cos everyone means alot to me.. lord lastly i wanna thank u for today.. erm i mean ytd.. haha.. it's indeed a happy, simple day for me.. i thank u too for the performance at gotham.. thou things werent as great as i thot but it stil went smoothly =) i thank u for everythin n everyday.. may u bless my day tml and everyone's day.. in jesus name.. sincerely i pray! amen!

oh man.. tired.. nites everyone! *Muacks* ZzZZzZzZzzzz

=)
hmm today went to citilink to find dearie.. hmm went alone first cos emi wil be late.. as usual i bought BK for him.. =) thn i juz sat there lo.. showed him my blue black on my both badly injured knees lol! he sayang me hoho SHIAWASE! =) thn he bought my fave strawberry yogurt drink for me wor! OMG damn damn sweet sia! =) wahaha! very happy =) thn when i sat on the floor i rest my hand on the floor ma thn he ask me nt to thn he take my hand and wipe away the dirt thn rest my hand on his thigh.. wuuuuhuhu! so consederate sia! thn we both help emi do her math.. ehh not help but teach! haha! but seems more like help la -_______- haha! dearie's so smart sia walao my math die ar! lol! chem also i forgot alot le.. wahaha! thn cos me is goin thru the shitty hang overs today ma thn very tired.. thn i rest on my hand thn he saw le wil come sayang me.. haha! sweet hor sweet hor! ;p damn happy sia! thn one time is i very tired ma thn he wan sayang me but his hand dirty thn he make sure it's super clean thn he sayang me.. very very very cute sia! haha! thot wat he doin thn suddenly sayang me.. wulala! my kawaii baby! haha! hmm thn i see him ride i heartpain sia.. keep fallin thn cut his leg =\ thn alot of blood =\ thn he also wrist prob.. thn see him pain i dunno wat to do sia like LOST! but nvm la he happy can le ba.. i keep prayin he can get the tricks sia.. so tat he wont get more injury =\ but nvm da.. i'm the nurse for him! haha! ;p applied medication for him as usual.. haha.. it had become like a habit sia! to take care of him.. nvm i like haha! wah now the image of him buyin me the drink keep appearin in my mind lol! heeheehee the way he pass it to me.. the way he try to hide it.. argh.. so sweetttttttt =) thn alot alot lo.. OYA! he owe me a BIG HUG! wahbiang! neh neh pok! forgot to claim.. damn sian! nvm wil claim soon! tink next time meet him is fri or sat ba.. mostly sat la unless he riding on fri.. hmm nvm ba 3days nt gonna see him.. OMG! >.< -faints- wat to do.. my dearie's busy with his school stuff.. graduatin soon! yay! goin NS haha! al the best to him man! wuu gonna wait for his safely-homed sms le.. buai buai! =)

Chose To Run..
argh.. yesterday performed at gotham penthouse.. the performance was ok.. did bring up the crowd but my knees' damn swollen now =\ the floor is super not suitable for dance! some parts damn rough some parts damn slippery.. thn we carry on to party.. the whole idea is to make to crowd party.. and yes we did it.. i had to hide al my nonsensical feelings thru out the nite.. =\ he did not wanna come see the performance.. he did not wanna meet up after that either.. =\ i ask him to meet today he said see how =\ OMG i affected can i be.. if things weren't liddat i'm sure i wont be tat affected.. but the truth is things ARE liddat =\ i did hide my feelings n tried to act as happy as i could when i was there.. but somehow when the party ended and we stayed on to chill.. somehow i guess my feelins is beginning to show =\ i sat there with cedric n drink.. thn he asked "is there anythin wrong?" wahbiang.. i hide til so gd he stil can see??? OMG thn followed my huron, darren, andrew.. blah blah blah.. =\ got so jialat meh? =\ th romeo asked me "wah got bf le ar.. haha" tat should be something very happy about.. but.. my reespond is.. "ya..=\" thn he's like "huh.. y liddat?" i juz smiled n kept quiet.. thru out the nite.. they juz acc me there.. they enjoyed themselves on the dance floor but i juz sat there with cedric n leon.. i always thinks that cedric is a very understandin fren.. can always throw my feelings out to him.. thou he wont respond much but he'll juz listen.. i guess gary knew i was sad too.. thn he actually ask me to drink.. i drank alot.. til i was abit tipsy.. thn they pulled me to the dance floor.. i dance abit.. but cos i wanna avoid troubles so i tried not to dance.. =\ ok nothin happened.. lucky! thn dharni wanted to go to liquid room.. so we went over.. ash was drunk.. thn she ask me wanna drink more ornt.. i said ok.. so we went to drink.. quite alot! =\ thn i KO liao.. i dunno how the hell they got me out of there and the next thing i noe is i'm in cad with cedric already.. haha kinda funny =\ ok i was TAT drunk =\ til i dunno wat's goin on.. haha.. thn cedric acc me thru the nite at my place listening to my nonsence.. WHOLE NITE! OMG reali felt damn bad.. i cried whole nite i guess cos my eyes were swollen this morning.. SEE! i said i shouldnt drink.. argh! stupid me! i told cedric everythin i guess.. and this morning when i woke up he juz pat my head and ask me to "be strong! stand firm.." heh? lol! wah the whole nite al i could remember is i kept callin dearie's hp.. but he nv on =\ WABIANG! maybe it's a gd thing la.. if nt maybe i'll cause more trouble for him =\ i sms him alot of nonsence as well.. this morning he sms me "wat happen u ok?" thn i'm like huh??? lol~ i didnt noe i did sms him.. haha! so i went to check my sent items.. OMG! i sms him nonsence sia!!! argh! but i mean those sms ba.. =\ when a person's drunk watever he/she said is always the truth.. tat goes to me as well! hais.. how i wish he's there ytd.. i terribly need a hug from him.. juz now i called him.. argh! emo again =\ i noe i shouldnt! but wahhhh damn long nv emo le.. felt like shit sia! OMG when wil this misery end?! i reali wanna be happy with him.. and i reali wanna see him truly happy as well.. =\ i told some ppl i had plans.. for our r/s.. but they say it maybe nt a gd idea =\ they suggested something else.. to drag the plan longer.. ok.. maybe i should.. =\ since things are already liddat.. might as well follow wat they say ba.. well.. outsiders are always clearer thn us who's blinded by love.. esp me when i'm like extremely blinded now =\ oh ya.. justina asked me too.. "ur bf ar?" when she saw my hp wallpaper.. i say ya.. thn she's like "eh.. first time see u so sad when got bf lei.. u siao ar?" =\ hmm well.. i didnt noe how to respond.. so i juz smiled n kept quiet.. she thn ask me more bout dearie lo.. like "how old?" "singaporean?" "how u noe him?" wahh when she ask how i noe him.. thn i tink bout the past! ARGH!!!! my god! thn i tink bout he'll nv wanna see me.. he'll nv wana haer my voice.. he'll nv wanna love me the way he did.. =\ i dunno la but these juz strike my mind =\ th today i ask him "do u hate me?" i mean it's like i've cause him al the troubles now.. i've made him sad.. i've made him worried bout so many things.. but his reply is "no.." i thot it would be a yes.. =\ or a abit.. thank god it's a no ba.. i dun wan him to hate me! if he ever say "i hate u" to me.. wahh i can tell u.. tat's it! everythin's gone.. he'll lost me forever! and i swear the stupid love n hate feeling wil stay in me again! it's the suckiest thing that can ever happen.. when someone u love say "i hate u" OMG! reali cannot imagine that.. that'll be a big "BANG" to me la.. in fact anyone who hate me wil reali lost me forever.. even as a fren.. once the words are out.. tat's it man.. =\ now i reali wonder.. does he stil love me? reali man.. tat question is killin me.. i mean i dun wan any of us to lost one another thn realise we stil love each other.. cos i believe once a r/s is broken, things can never be the same again.. i patched with my ex b4 and i thot things can be the same.. cos i always thot we haven reali ended yet at tat time.. i thot we stil got things to do.. but no i was wrong.. =\ things have reali ended when we patch.. i realise he's diff and i'm diff.. we had both changed into someone even we ourselve dun reali noe.. it's rather sad thou.. but i noe i've move on.. now i'm stuck again.. =\ but things arent that bad after al.. maybe he stil love me.. juz tat the feelings are so inside him that he haven see them.. it's juz covered ba.. but i dunno la.. maybe i'm tryin to make myself happy by thinkin tat way.. =\ but dunno la.. ARGH! nvm.. i'm sure of my feelings can le.. and i am VERY VERY sure that I LOVE HIM-JONATHAN JAMES DANKER! >.<
p/s:my title is chose to run cos i feel i wanna get drunk n forget everythin.. but i noe it aint the rite thing to do cos now's the time i have to stay 100% sober to noe wat i am doin.. but ytd i chose to run.. yes.. i chose not to face it and RUNNNNNNN!

Juz A Day..
nothin much.. went to dance as usual in my mind stil filled with him.. i said i dun wanna tink so much but i cant la.. =\ ok nvm tink but dun do anythin much ba.. when at dance yutaki was askin us wat we actually wan? i was lost cos i reali dunno wat i wan.. i'm like a aimless dancer.. =\ i juz say i wan a crew? a crew where i reali belong? but for that moment i feel that every dncer is alone.. dancers are lonely creatures.. we may seem very happy n united on the surface.. but tink.. we're actually empty bins.. crews can get tgt but yes.. they can split up too.. see how many crews had been splited up? and how many lonely dancers are out there searchin for a place they belong? i'm one of them.. i've been searchin for over 3years.. and am stil searchin.. maybe i'm worst.. other thn dance.. i had nothin else in life i can do.. i thot i had a lot previously.. i had almost everythin in the world..! my frens, my crew, my colleagues, my family, my love.. but now.. everythin seem gone! gone in juz a few seconds.. =\ well maybe i am reali a shooting star juz in human form.. travelling alone is my fate and fulling other people's wish with silence sufferings.. travel n travel.. suffer n suffer.. til the day my flame dies off which is the day i can rest n sleep forever thn.. for now.. i'll juz fulfill my mission on this world ba.. giving ppl happiness but not gaining any.. no matter how tired i am no matter how torturing is feels.. i'll juz bear with it and hang on.. til my times up.. maybe thn i can rest.. at least when i turn back.. i realise how many happy souls i've helped.. i'll feel happy ba.. it's ok for me to suffer.. who am i anyway.. juz a ordinary girl who onli needs love but can never get it.. ha~ fate.. somethin which i dun wanna accept but had no choice but accepting it.. =\ fate had cause so much misery in life.. if onli i can, i'll capture fate.. haha ok was watchin "date with vampire" so got abit of inspiration to write this down lol! got alot of inspiration to write bout life this few days.. well thanks to my dearie who made me think so much recently.. now i'm struggling with this question "to face it.. or to run from it?" =\ ok give me few more days to tink ba.. got alot of question on my mind now.. how i wish he's stronger thn this.. hais.. nvm.. i'll give him al the freedom and time he need to tink bout wat he reali wan or need to be happy.. like i said.. i'm a shooting star.. who's here to grant u ur wish but suffer in silence =
Tv Review!!
watched "a date with the vampire3" wah biang eh! got this part hor.. yaochi love fuxi so much she tell him "as long as u say the 3 words (i love u) i'm willing to do anythin even to be ur mistress.." =\ but thn fuxi said no cos he dun wanna lie to her n hurt her.. thn yaochi damn damn sad she cried and granted him his freedom she said "is that 3 word so hard to say?!" she's very mad! cried terribly and said "ok nvm i'll leave.." thn she left.. i see le my heart "biang" sia! thn they were at a party but she's suffering alot.. she hide them inside her.. nobody knew.. thn suddenly her HP beeps.. she open the sms and saw the words "i love u" OMG OMG OMG!!!! she went to a corner and cried again.. fuxi went up to her to check if she's alrite.. she say she cried cos she's too happy.. they hugged thn he said to her "i realise i onli love u.." she's damn happy but thn he said again "this is al i can do.. the least i can do for u.." wah biang! so he do this juz to make her happy??? not cos he reali love her? =\ y guys always liddat?! they never know who love them the most and how to cherish them.. wahkaox.. if i noe fuxi.. i'll slap him for sure! thn maoyu, another girl said "yaochi maybe stupid to do al this willingly for fuxi.. but it's al this unconditioned love that she can n should be proud of.." yea i AGREE! and another guy also said this "believe in miracles and they'll happen sooner or later.. cos miracles are for everyone.. but onli if u perservere n believe in it.." hmm is it true? i believe in it.. but i aint seeing anythin now =\ maybe i should perservere? i dunno but this show hit me alot! the love that contains ahhhhhhhh! if onli my fate is like yaochi.. =\ but hor.. yaochi died in the end =\ sad hor! OMG! thn bupo(the guy who love yaochi so much) suffered alot =\ he cant get her love.. yet he help her n fuxi tgt =\ wahbiang! another "hero" in love.. i aint so wei da ba.. =\ but of cos i wish i'll be like yaochi ba.. hais.. dunno la! walao let me see this kinda story at tis point of my life =\ -faints!- okok nice show thou! ma xiaoling n tianyou got tgt FINALLY!they FINALLY can get married.. tat's xiaoling's onli wish b4 she die.. wahh power of love =\ ok i juz perservere and hope my fte wil be like yaochi ba.. =\ -numb-

Dream
ytd had a beautiful dream.. haha.. in order not to spoile it, i cant say it out.. heex.. but i onli hope it's reali gonna be true.. i hope it's a deja vu =) it reali made me smile but when i wake up.. argh.. i'm back to the reality again la =\ damn sian *action.. haha~ hmmm ytd waited for dearie to be home so i slept at nearly 6am.. my eyes are closong but i keep telin myself NONONONONO! haha.. listened to my ipod n went thru al the smses he sent me ever since the day we know each other.. OMG i cried.. but is cos i reali reali miss him =\ so damn much! i see the changes i know them.. but well.. this isthe shit i'm goin thru and may god help.. haha.. cant run from it cos i wan my happiness.. maybe.. i mean MAYBE after this, is the beautiful path god has laid for me.. =) stil am waiting patiently.. i noe i have to be patient.. VERY PATIENT.. no worries.. i'll wait.. the outcome wil have a few.. maybe i'll be happily tgt with him goin thru al ups n downs tgt.. maybe he'll leave me and my life sux.. maybe i'll be so numb i cant feel anythin else.. maybe i reali can let him go one day.. well.. i dunno.. the future is stil uncertain.. for now.. i'll juz be happy n enjoy this few lil months that he promised me.. to be happy at least for a few more months.. but i hope he reali dun promise me for the sake of makin me happy but he promise me cos he wish to try.. try make things work.. i remember one of his sms.. "we'll work tgt.. to make things work out gd.. to build our future.." i hope he dun go back on his words.. he also sid b4 "i reali am so in love with u now.. and i wont go back.." hmmm maybe al this is fake.. but well.. guys are liars.. i never thot he'll lie.. but nvm.. there's stil hope i guess.. for now.. dun tink so much!!! haha! be happy ba! anyone who read this and are always sad.. pls do read irene's blog.. u can link from mine.. *bingbing* her blog contains alot of meaningful thingy.. yea.. enjoy!!!

Addition
wanna add this to my previous post on how me n dearie met.. haha~! thanks emi! i didnt forget this part.. our happy tues, thurs and sat..

we practiced our dance almost everyday. they came usually tues, thurs and sats.and during 7plus, they'll cycled out for dinner and come back arnd 9plus.

Hmm..
actually i tink about it over n over again.. hha.. but actually hor.. things arent that bad after all.. =) the fact is.. we're STILL TOGETHER! haha~ hmm.. i dunno now.. but i'll open the "cage".. juz give me time.. and u can thn choose to fly n make me sad.. or to stay n cheers me up.. make me happy cos u love me.. dun love me cos u juz wan me to be happy.. and yes.. i'll stil hope.. for my smile to be back.. as in.. i stil hope he'll come back to me.. many of u who read.. may faint.. haha~ but well.. i cannot lie rite.. i reali hope.. i told bing.. "i can feel hope but i cant see them.." she replied.." if u can see them.. it wont be hope!" haha~ yea true! now wat i can do is.. to not TINK! throw everythin behind my brain.. haha.. and maybe who noes.. miracle might happen.. =) he might juz love me again.. afterall the love was there.. if it reali faded.. i shall admit to fate thn.. tat i'm not gd enough for him.. =\ if watever i've done isnt enough.. well too bad thn.. like wat ppl might say.. "u'll onli realise n cherish the things that's lost.." =\ at least i did nt wait til i lost him thn i learn.. well maybe i did.. i was too "ignorant" bout his feelings.. and there i lost him.. =\ but i've learnt.. and am doin everythin i can to be better.. hmm.. like i say.. the fact is we're stil tgt.. and al i can do now is to make him happy.. i noe he'll truly be happy onli if he realise wat he reali wan or need.. tat i cant do anythin.. i can onli do the surface job.. i noe i need n wan him.. but.. it takes 2hands to clap.. yea.. i noe he wanna be love.. am sure of that.. but he is bein love now.. haha~ i tried.. i reali tried to hate him.. but i cant.. =\ not the least bit of hating him.. oopss.. i'm crazily in love AGAIN! ARGH! hmm.. well i can onli say this.. "wil u pick up the debris and love me again..?" i'm waiting for the magical star to fall n grant me my wish.. if onli things werent like this.. maybe i can truly smile.. =) well.. there's bound to be problems behind al happiness.. it's how we see them and overcome them.. =) yea.. it's thru al this we learn.. may we learn tgt.. and hopefully overcome it.. maybe if this prob is gone.. our r/s wil be stronger.. i'm pretty sure of that.. =) well it's stil his choice now.. to hang the smile the on me and keep it ther or to juz steal it and throw away.. haha~ i'll be sad for sure.. if he choose to leave.. but oh well.. like he said so damn fiercely n firmly tat day.. "it's his life..!" he holds the decision now.. i'll juz wait thn.. for the day i can truly smile again.. =) be optimistic.. things wil turn out fine.. (i hope) -praying desperately- God.. pls help.. ur little child is hurtin now.. may u dry her tears n teach her wat to do.. she feels lonely.. she feels empty.. she need the pull from u.. and may u keep her safe from al this.. may this reali be the "problem" behind her true happiness.. may this reali be the happiness u have instored for her.. in jesus name i sincerely pray.. amen!(-_-)

Stone.................
hais.. i noe it's nt a nice way to start a post but tink that's the best way ba.. =\ today went to citilink to find dearie.. hmm nothin much ba.. as usual i bought BK for him, sayang him when he fall.. i tried to not care bout him.. but i cant! OMG why is this happening??? ARGH! nvm la.. juz care ba.. gonna hurt myself REALLLLL deep this time.. maybe thn i'll get numb and i'll be ok =\ emi ask me maybe i should dun care for him so much.. i noe i should! but i cant!! OMG.. i reali cant.. i stoned whole day today.. i dunno y.. things keep running thru my mind.. and it suck! things which are damn hard to accept.. things which i DUN wanna accept.. but i got no choice.. now i'm tryin my best nt to get emo.. ok i maybe splattin al this shit out but ppl.. dun worry i'm NOT emo.. juz need to throw al this out.. b4 my mind explodes =\ he kissed me b4 i go.. i felt happy.. at least abit.. but thn he said "happy?" tat takes my smile away =\ i dunno wat he means.. but i felt it's like he's doin al these juz to make me happy.. i thank him for tat.. but wat i truly wan is he did al that cos he loves me.. but well maybe this wil nv happen.. i like to lie to myself.. but today i cant.. i keep forcing myself to accept the facts.. i look at him when he was doin his stunts.. and i tell myself "look xinwei.. this is the guy.. that u r gonna lose.. or in fact.. u've lost him.. stop lying to urself.. he dun love me anymore.. let go ba.." =\ OMG! ARGH! nvm i'm mad.. -_- thn when we're at dance, i tried my best to hide my feelings.. i somehow managed to.. but tink mikal can see something is stil wrong la =\ yutaki told me that i had improve.. and i've slimed down alot.. and he said that he wanna trained us to become the elite group in UAN to wack competitions.. i should be VERY happy n exicited to hear al this.. but it seems like my heart aint responding =\ i dunno.. maybe my heart n mind is totally full =\ well.. hopefully things wil turn out fine ba.. actually i reali dun deny that deep deep deep down in my heart i stil wan him!!!! i need him! i dun say it for fun.. i NEVER said i need someone.. but now.. hais.. i reali dunno le.. maybe i'll juz keep this deeply hidden hope there ba.. i keep imagine things are fine now.. how happy we both are.. i keepin him company when he do things.. i bein there for him wheneverhe's down and alot more.. there's stil so much we haven do.. =\ but.. well tat's my false imagination onli ba.. wil juz wait n wait n wait... aiya.. juz wanna see him happy la! my god! okok maybe i shall stop here b4 i went mad again =\ bye~! -missing him terrinly on this cold nite.. hope everythin's alrite for him-

Tian Hui?
so my sky's grey.. the rain ain't falling but stil.. the sun ain't shining.. =\ no moon no stars.. purely covered with clouds.. whole nite i keep thinkin.. "let go ba.." but i noe my heart is reluctant.. =\ each time those words appear, i see this ting called tears.. =\ but maybe my hearts' so numb.. til my tears juz rolled n rolled but i noe i'm not cryin.. they juz rolled.. thn after that.. these words keep appearing.. "jiayou! things aren't that bad after al.. ur sky wil be bright again!" =\ so wat is it now? how can my sky be bright when the one i love so darn much wanna leave me? =\ ya.. maybe i wont lost him as in.. he'll stil be my fren.. but i noe i'll feel shit seein him yet knowin the cruel truth.. =\ ok maybe i reali shouldnt say so much now.. my brains in a super stone stage now.. dance? forget it.. wanna see a zombie dance? haha~ go shopping? NO WAY! scare who? haha~ go out n play? OMG i dun wanna be a spoiler man.. ok nvm i'm a loner! yay i am one.. ok i'm mad................................................................

=\
tears tears tears.. it's al i see.. like i said.. u've confiscated my smile.. accidentally i guess.. be happy ba.. i'm willin to take al this.. juz to see ur smile.. i guess.. =\ follow ur heart.. it'll lead u.. loving u always.. dun worry bout whether i'll stil care ornt.. cos.. i noe the ans myself.. dun break ur promise for this fwe short months.. if not i'll hate u for life!

=..(
i hate today.. i hate it! i dunno wat to say but juz.. i'm totally shattered~! gonna wait for the day i can truly let go.. but remember u promised me.. a few months of happiness.. A FEW MONTHS! and one thing.. i never promise i can let go.. maybe yes.. but i'll stil love u as much.. maybe.. i dunno.. i'll be a bug.. a bug who cares for u as much as we're tgt.. here i wanna say sorry to cath.. i dun wan to either.. but i have no choice.. i just love him tat much.. i'll pray for miracle everyday as of now.. suffering in silence.. dun pity me.. tat's wat i choose.. =\

Our Story..
Now let me tell u a story.. a wonderful story about Mr. Jon and Ms. Xinwei.. it al started with a funny yet complicated begginning.. she's a dancer and he's a flatlander.. both of them met each other at citilink.. the wonderful place for ppl to interact and to learn from one another.. now u muz be thinkin "hmm how the hell are a dancer n a flatlander linked?" yea.. this is where the wonder starts..

the very first time when VIP had practise at citilink.. that was when Mr.Jon fell for her.. at tat time, her impression of him was "OMG! he look like yungkern!" and she was somehow attracted by him.. cos of his special looks.. but somehow.. when she noe that her gd fren had a tiny crush on him, she gave up.. and diverted her attention on his fren.. tat was jus a eye candy at tat time..nothin much.. al along.. she thot it was juz a "game".. juz the kinda "see yandao" feelin.. she's juz satisfied by everyday wishin they were there.. juz the kinda heart beat rushin feelin.. she never thot things wil go this far.. never thot there's gonna be any future for it..

these "eye candy" thngy continued for nearly a month.. it was until when her fren emilia went online to hunt for them! cute isnt it =) and emi somehow manage to get Jon on the friendster.. she intro him to our fren who had a crush on him.. things were fine in the first place.. when xinwei got to know tis "big" news, she was shocked.. and had reali given her blessing to them =) but it was when she n him got to noe each other, he told her he like her..

everythin to her is stil juz a "game" juz a crush kinda thingy.. she thot to herself "how can tis kinda tings happen to me? and i cannot be so careless again.. nv to get 'injured' again.." she tried very hard to hold her feelings back not to fall in love.. but somehow.. his caring words.. his caring voice.. his way of chasin her.. had melted her.. she denied the fact that she's fallin in the first place.. stil tryin very hard to hide.. she didnt wanna let her fren down and she's afraid to love again..

but on the 4th day of their frenship, things moved into a higher position.. it's no longer juz he likin her.. she admitted.. she admitted her feelings for him ain't fake.. but didnt wanna confirm anythin yet.. cos she dun wanna hurt anyone.. including herself.. she realise that she's startin to fall cos when he didnt contact her for 1 or 2 days, she felt lost.. she felt sad as she thot that she had lost him.. things got abit outta hand when it comes to the 6th day..

he went to yishun to meet her after his school.. just purely to meet up with the one u like.. and tat melted her even more.. he asked for a hug the day before and she promised him =) the promise was delievered.. she can stil remember how she got abit more confirmation of her liking for him.. it was when he lifted his pants and showed her his wounded legs.. seeing that, her heart was in pain! terribly in pain.. for that moment.. she noe she does care alot more for him thn anyone else.. she noe that he's the one she wanna take care of.. and it was that very day when he first kissed her.. it was a cute one! when they were at mac.. they sat beside one another. and when her frens, sisi n bingbing were nt ard, he kissed her arms.. and turned away shyly~ at that very moment.. she froze! she didnt know how to react! and cute enough.. they both acted blur.. as if nothin happened~ haha..

things moved further when he send her home.. she was damn touched.. when he wanted to send her home thou it was rather late as he dun stay very near.. they took bus 811.. and when in bus.. he hugged her.. he hugged her so tightly that she felt the love from the heart.. it's amazing! usually she'll push away.. but she didnt.. now she wonder why.. cos she's in love! she is in love with this guy.. who melted her heart.. she had a heart of steel ever since the previous incident.. but he melted her so fast that no one can believe it!

when they alighted, she accopanied him to the bus stop for bus 853 to go home.. oyea.. when at the interchange, he saw bus 853 and said this to her "hey.. it's fate! there's stil one bus for me to reach u!" these words remained in her heart even til today! when at the bus stop.. they hugged.. she didnt wan to hug him at first.. but she didnt manage to hold back.. and decided to juz hug.. when they were hugging.. her mind is full of things.. full of questions.. "is he the one?" "can he give me happiness?" "wil he hurt me the way anyone wil?" "is he for real?".. on and on.. suddenly she heard him sayin this "wah.. we like long lost couple huh.." nothin came to her mind at that time except to juz hug n enjoy that moment of silence.. when his bus came, he kissed her gdbye! she was stoned! immediately stoned! when she walk home.. she know she's in love.. she was overjoyed.. and she actually smiled to herself! ppl tinks she's crazy! haha~

those days were the sweetest i guess.. everynite, he'll call her up and chat over the phone.. and she knows that he's the kind who wont sleep too late.. but he stayed up late just to hear her voice.. she's reali touched.. at tat time.. she stil dun dare to love him as much.. but seeing him so crazily in love with her, she felt bad.. she had a hard time fighting her heart.. wanting to love this innocent guy who love her so much.. the next day was the happiest i guess..

they had this long chat at her nearby her place.. at this cosy little shelter with juz the 2 of them.. nothin much happen.. oh maybe something.. haha~ they chatted alot.. about their family, past r/s, sch, life.. alot alot! she got to know him so much more and that's one step closer to "he's the one!" mentality.. he too felt very happy that day.. he looked into her eyes and said "i love u.." these 3words maybe common.. but when it's said from the heart.. it's special.. =) she felt it.. she reali did.. he hugged her in his arms and said it.. it was juz somethin so special to her.. she'll never forget.. they kissed and ended the day beautifully..

for that few days or weeks, things were as usual.. they celebrated x'mas tgt and had lotsa fun! but she got paranoid after tat.. her nonsense came out and created trouble.. her sensitivity is overworkin again.. and she's affected by his past r/s.. at tat time.. she know she's fully in love with him.. and he too said that he'll love her long time.. things were perfectly fine until her sensitivity created nonsense.. they had small quarrels about it and she had lotsa emo nites back thn.. she hated them.. but cant help it.. cos she just love him too much.. she never understand n differentiate wat's love n miss.. when u mis someone n u love someone.. it's 2 different thing.. and she learn them onli when it's rather late..

she had lotsa of deep thoughts nites.. and realise she's at fault.. how stupid can she be! haha~ wat a joke.. well at least she realise them now.. hopefully things ain't too late for her.. she's on her way to become a perfect gf.. a girl whom every guy wants.. and a girl whom every guy wil wanna dote on.. but she dun wan every guy.. she wants onli him.. him who loved her so much that made her learn..

now things aint that bad afterall.. she thank god for al the chances.. and she told me she truly cherish them.. oh~ and she told me how happy she was on new years day..! wow~ the romantic times they had.. even thou they werent long.. the beautiful fireworks surrounds her even in her heart.. when he hug her she flew.. she flew to the sky where the fireworks are.. when he kissed her.. she almost died.. why? cos she couldnt react even to breathe.. haha~! new year had come and her hope for it was to be happy.. nothin else matters to her other thn him i guess.. haha~ a silly girl ehh.. lookin at how happy she is.. makes her frens happy too.. they were less worry for her and everyone congrats her.. haha~ most of them even wanna celebrate it! hahaha~! nice frens she have =)

and remember the day they went to sentosa.. everythin was BEAUTIFUL! the sand art.. the food.. the private moments.. and beach walk.. the sleepy jon.. the musical fountain.. everythin was like.. PERFECTLY planned by god.. he hugged her.. tat hangs a wide smile on her face again.. and they held hands while walkin.. she never felt so cosy.. and loved.. her heart beats as fast as ever and her feelings for him never fades.. it's kinda surprising thou.. when so much had happen.. yet the fast beatin heartbeat stil stays..

now even thou things aint as pretty and wonderful as ever, she's juz glad that he's there.. and he allowed her to be there for him.. she love applyin medication for him when he's injured but she hates to see him getting injured.. she loves to see him ride n do al the fantastic stunts.. she loves seeing him doin his project thou not very seriously but tryin hard to be.. haha~ and she just love the sight of him and bein in his arms.. she love the way he stone.. she love the way he talk.. she love the way he winks at her.. and she love him.. for who he truly is.. she wants nothin more.. but just to be with him.. her sweetie banana fondue~

awe~! this story dun stop here.. this is just the first episode =) haha~! maybeone day i can become a gd writer! -loves-

I'm Crazyyyyyyyy
i swear i am crazy~! my mind had been so damn full now =\ of al the shits.. how can that be? when my life's actually so gd??? i've given serious thot.. and realise that my life's too empty!!! i need to dance more! work n study!!! i miss those busy days.. those days when i can play n work whole day! i used to say.. slack gd wat can relax.. now i noe.. slack too much can kill u! reali! i'm like half dead today.. super damn empty life i have.. i decided to go for a run with mikal at stadium.. almost got run down by a car.. phew! lucky nothin happen.. b4 i went out had a little "bad words" with dearie =\.. here i reali have to say sorry! cos i was juz too bothered by my empty life.. was very vex.. thn accidentally let out a few wrong words.. i added stress on him again=\ which i promise i shouldnt n wouldnt.. =\ i regretted so much~! maybe i reali should learn to control myself more! i hate myself when these happens.. dearie said some words tat makes my heart "piang" as well.. =\ i dun wish to mention it again.. i'm running away.. yes i am~! cos i simply cant face it! =\ i dun wanna be strong.. i dun wanna be hurt in this way again.. =\ i'm selfish i know.. but wat to do.. i have to be selfish n fight for wat i wan for once in my entire life rite?! OMG i hate myself today i dunno why.. felt like a bitch al of a sudden~ lucky mikal was here for me to throw my nonsense to.. didnt say much to him juz simply naggin lol! sorry mikal! =^,^= and thanks! ok nothin much to blog le.. tml's another boring day.. hopefully god got special stuff for me ba.. =)

A Sweet And Happy Day =)
dear made my day =) when i wakey.. i saw his sms!!!! wahahaha~! one ofthe best thing that can ever happen to me.. haha~! hmm actually was very reluctant to wakey haha~ ZzZZz at 6am.. o.O haha! chatted with chin yau.. whoowhoo~ and leonard as well.. al cannot ZzZz lol~! damn funny.. had a whole nite of nonsense.. they ask me why i dun wanna ZzzZZ.. ok my reason was.. "if i ZZzZz early, thn i'll wakey early tml.. thn in the day time i'll have nothin to do.. i rather wakey late thn bathe thn go dance.." lol~! al of them faint =) wahm y sun-burnt back is super duper itchy now! lol! dear dear n emi is facin the "painful" season now~ haha! aiyo muz pass dear the lotion le.. emi say damn gd lol! of cos la! i'm so scared of sunburn.. confirm got ways to stop it from bein so painful de.. lol~! wulala later goin dance.. finally can meet up with VIP le.. miss them so much! wahhhhhh~ feel like a loner ytd sia.. haha.. like not many frens ard me.. thn suddenly today al my frens are back in action lol~! al the very long nv contact one suddenly al come msn me~! wah wah wah~ fun sia! miss them al so much! ok wil continue my blog tonite after dance =)

I'm back to blog again =) juz came back from dance.. hmm today reali is a super boliao dance session -_-''' yutaki wasn't here.. and jeremiah ain't there to supervise us as well =\ WTH la.. waste our time sia! we reach there at 8.30.. thn eat til 9.. thn try to fix the stupid plug til 9.15 liddat thn start dance lei =\ somemore we wanna leave early cos me n emi meetin dearie.. haha! we thn left at 9.45.. lol! cos th rest also wanna go home already.. hmm went to toa payoh to meet them.. when reached.. saw that dearie's cleaning his leg.. ARGH new wound again!!! >.< heart crack liao la! lol.. hmm thn i reali buay tahan i run to 7-11 to buy medication for him.. warao eh reali buay tahan him.. need EXTREME care! lol! nvm i'm willing! wahaha~ OMG he called me dardar today!!!!! I HEARD IT I HEARD IT! i''m NOT dreaming! i swear i'm not!!!! =D wahaha damn happy!!!! i applied the medication for him while he teach emi math.. thn after awhile a few lil boys came.. haha very cute.. and hyper.. but soli ar i dun reali noe how to handle kids.. =\ heex~! so in order not to offend them i kept quiet.. haha~ hmm they keep pester dearie n vith they al to teach and show them stunts lol! cute sia.. hmm thn when dearie sat with me he held my waist ma.. thn the kids EEEEEEeee lol~! but cute sia they al..! =) thn they disturb say "eh dun disturb he n the gf la.. they honeymoon!" lol~! pengz! today very sweet day la.. dearie back itchy cos of the sunburn lol~ thn i scratch for him lo =) he rested on my knees.. woohoo~! so close =) haha~! dunno why today am juz so damn glad =) like so.. relax =) past few days abit too stress le ba.. over alot of things.. now it's reali new year n it's reali happy le =) like wat emi said.. wat's past is in the past dun tink ler =) wahaha reali man! Happyyyyyyyy =) today reali happy! got his sms in the morning! got a "dardar"! got sayangs! got kiss! got hug! woohooooooooooo~! =D i'm so XING FU AR!!!!!!!