i need to get these off my head before i can seriously slp well.

Work

i dunno wanna say FML at work or wat.. i'm seriously underpaid and overworked.. i need more motivation to work! grr.. pls... give me more motivation? ><


Family

my mum never seem to believe watever i said until someone else tells her that i'm speaing the truth. why ar? i reali dun understand. and wat's best... she listens to her bf way more thn me. when i complained that she love her bf more thn me she scolded me.. but wat are her actions showing? laughs.

today is my dad's bday. i just sent a happy birthday and he replied a ty. is he disappointed or wat? lol. today is a day i dread most in my life. sigh. why cant i have a nice and warm family? :(


Friends

it seems i'm holding too tightly to this frenship i found. a forbidden frenship? hmm i dun reali noe lol. i wont blame my guy fren's gf for disliking me talk to their bf IF we're behaving too intimately.. but the fact is.. a "HEY!" also kena kp? wth? ._. not once alr.. this is happening quite frequently ard me nowadays. i've chose to gave up 2 frenship over this.. i wont hesitate to drop more frenship cos of this reason especially if the guy wei le this come and say me. a very epic example..

fren A : eh iko my gf using my acc dun pm me. i kena kp alr sia
me : i nv pm u? i onli in fam say "xxxxxx sia!"
fren A : aiya just dun talk to me there la
me : fine

nice reply uh? lol. it mean nth to me losing someone like u as a fren :)


Love

this is one topic i dun ever wanna tink about. but it just keeps repeating in my head times and times again to the extent that i'm so numb of it. everyday counting our monthsary.. wat's the point? LOL. everyday tinking "wat wil i be doing now if we're not where we are today". wat's the point again? LOL. why am i a cancer? why am i a emotional person? i dun wanna be. in my next life, i'll wanna be a taurus, aries or even capri. a much more "undreamy" horoscope. argh FML.


ok summary for this post? MY - LIFE - SUCKS.

nites

独白:你知道吗?
没有你的日子我有多想你
关喆-想你的夜

分手那天我看着你走远

所有承诺化成了句点

独自守在空荡的房间

爱与痛在我心里纠缠

我们的爱走到了今天

是不是我太自私了一点

如果爱可以重来

我会为你放弃一切


想你的夜


多希望你能在我身边


不知道你心里还能否为我改变


想你的夜


求你让我再爱你一遍


让爱再回到原点

:(

i wanna laugh the way i am born to laugh.. i wanna be the way i'm born to be.. i'm someone that cannot brings u happiness.. sorry.. but i need a true man who canprotect me from all odds.. i need a true man who can keep to his promises.. i need a true man.. to love me the way i needed..

it seems that he'll never understand the feeling of waiting for someone's call or sms every single day.. keep checking my phone every few min for 24 hr a day and for everyday.. the feeling.. sucks. he's busy.. ok it's reali so hard to get 2 min of his time a day to sms me? dropping me a msg in the morning when he wakes, go work reach home.. is that hard? sigh.. when he's with his frens he dun even care about me too. not a single msg. not a single call.. i can sms him the whole day but get not a single reply. i dunno why isit that hard.. i'm the world to him? action speaks louder :) i reali went speechless after few days of waiting. all i get this few days are a 1min duration call to tell me he's goin out. and a nudge on msn when i was slping. tat's all. nt even a single thing else. so he always complain i dun care for him enough, dun spend much time with him and dun give him much attention.. is he taking revenge now on me? by doing all these back to me? oh well.. he succeeded. my heart sank to the lowest part of the world. speechless.. reali speechless.. i dunno wanna say that i'm angry or sad.. disappointed.. very disappointed.. i'm gonna bury myself in work thn since this is the case.. dun complain about r/s drifting apart thn.. i alone doing all the waiting wont keep a r/s tgt and wont help the r/s grow stronger.. i'm a girl that needs care and concerns too. a sms isnt that hard isit? sigh.. tml gonna work full shift to help out in stock taking at the same time earn more. not gonna wish for any weekend meetups or watsoever alr. tired.. very tired.. gd nite world.

i feel lonely..
very lonely..

sigh.. i'm suddenly flooded with the thoughts of travelling again :( i wish to go japan or korea or even taiwan :( and i wish to spend a white christmas one fine yr. when can it come true? sigh.. i was looking at fares to japan and taiwan on jetstar. they aren't anywhere near cheap :( back and forth will cost bout 800 plus just the tickets alone. booking hotels wil be another bomb. i dun mind not shopping nor playing. i just wanna spend a white xmas.. sigh. when wil it actually come true? i guess i'll need at least 5k to go there if i'm gonna include playing and shopping. and of cos to bring my mum there if possible and of cos with bf. i need a good get away :( maybe i could plan for next yr's christmas ba. i noe i have to save for house n stuffs but i reali wanna have a white xmas :( how i wish i can win some lottery or lucky draw with tickets to these places :( tinking back on my days in korea reali made me sooooooooooo missing the place. i didnts play much but i'm seriously missing the atmosphere and the life pace there. it's so nice! the weather the ppl the everything! although communication seriously broke down D: i miss the bbq and the cooling weather at nite when i walk down the hotel to the 7-11. i miss the cheappppp tibits there! :x oh well.. i miss korea :( but i wan japan this time!! T.T when can my wish come true? i promise myself i will travel to japan at least once every yr when my financial and house settles down. i promise i wil give myself nice xmas and nice bday if everything goes well :D ok i'm self consoling T.T but oh well.. JIAYOU JIAYOU JIAYOU!!!

i'm beginning to look at the ppl ard me with a different view.

i honestly tink no one truly wants me to be happy. ppl ard me are all fking selfish. before i go into that. i wanna define my meaning of "truly want someone to be happy". by saying that, u should not try to change what the person likes, do, habits etc.. by saying that u wouldnt find things to quarrel with him/her no matter how big the issue is. adults dun quarrel. adults negotiate and talk things through. by saying that, you'd give everything, do everything to make the person smile. you'd love without conditions. you wont expect anything in return for what u've done.

but hell no. those whom i thought love me, wants the best for me.. are all not tinking that way at all. if they truly wants me to smile they'd keep their comments to themselves. they dunno by their casual comments it'll hurt me alot? i dun voice out doesnt mean i'm fine. i just dun wanna make things ugly. but selfish as they are they mentioned "why would i wan those i love be to happy when i'm not even happy?" oh wow. what a selfish line. do i even have to care so much for their feelings anymore? always keeping things to myself when i dun feel happy. to all my frens and my mum.. i dun like you all to comment on my r/s. i dun like u al to comment on my bf. i dun like u all to even comment on anything i like. wanna comment? can. a casual remark wil do to my ears. not in somewhere the whole world would see. i dun like to hear "i dun like him" because it hurts alot. he is what i chose and what i like. so why do u even have to comment if u like him ornt? he's not ur bf. he's mine.

i also dun like it when the one love of my life kept finding things to quarrel with me. he says i'm selfish i'm ignorant and i'm a failed gf. i admit i'm not perfect. but do u have to rub salt into my wound? is that the way of loving someone? if they're just harsh words, shouldnt an apology be done after things have cooled? i dunno.. but he sound as if he love me so much and i'm everything to him. but is it really true? if that's the case shouldnt he just wan me to smile every single day of my life? thn why pick things to quarrel? he agreed with loving unconditionally. but he's totally not doing that. if one truly love unconditionally, one wont find things to quarrel. because u wont even be able to find things to quarrel over. compromising is good. but i tink i've compromised too much. i'm no longer myself. where is the iko that's always on and happy? where's the bubbly me? where's the me that cares about all my frens and bf and family's feelings? i dun tink i'm selfish here. everytime keeping things to myself. unhappy also keep inside. to avoid quarrels i kept them in. i never dared to voice out cos i was afraid to lose anyone. nv dared to voice out cos i was afraid to hurt anyone. but now what i see is them all being selfish?

i dunno about what is true frenship, true love, true kinship anymore. i feel so lost now that everything happened just like that and i'm the one that get affected the most. losing a sister losing a bf. i noe this sister hasnt been very happy about any of my bf. none of them she liked. and none of them like her too. but i just wanted to keep things in place so i just accepted both side's words and kept them to myself. i dun wan any conflicts but ppl say 子是包不住火的.. indeed so true. this conflict reali shot out today. and indeed i'm the one that get hurt the most. if she truly wan me to be happy why'd she comment on all my bf so negatively? she dunno that it'll scare them away? seeing me breaking up reali make her happy? bringing me down with "there's no true love in this world" makes her happy? i dunno anymore if she reali care for me or just being selfishly trying to make me like her.

i tink i'm tired of accepting everyone for who they are and trying to make myself fit into everyone's life. i cannot do it. i'm not as strong as i thought. i guess it'll be best if i'm all alone. at least i dun have to face quarrels. at least i dun have to worry the roller coaster ride in my life. monotonous life is ok for me. i just wan peace. now who reali do care for me? no one :) i'm better off alone.

it's reali funny sometimes. the moment my fb status changed to "single" all the flies comes flocking by. even old flames whom i use to love alot and rejected me alot came by. reali wondering wat humans are tinking sometimes. i dunno.. but when i see the way they're talking to me now reali makes me wanna laugh. i used to give up everything for him and got myself so down n broken over him. now he came back? wat does he wan? reali ironic. but one thing i'm sure. it's all in the past. i wont even take a glance at him. it's too late isnt it? lol~ trying to grab hold of me now that i'm single. i reali dun tink it'll work. it onli make me wanna laugh reali hard lol. and seeing those guys that can show me sooooooo much concerns i dunno wanna say a "thank u for ur concern" or "stop being so fake" lol. it's like~ there's always a motive. truly lost faith in guys alr. they can be so damn nice and treat u like their world in the beginning but after awhile things wil definitely change. beautiful things dun last :) anyway the guy that i mentioned. is currently a big joke in my life. seeing that he's trying alot of ways to get me. but i'm sry i no longer feel anything for u. u gave it up not me. u totally tarnished me and break me into pieces. now u wanna glue everything back? sry i cant do it :) gd frens we shall be and i hope i get the respect. another thing i'm rather confused over.. to change for someone for a beautiful future isit reali that hard? =\ i'm posting the question to myself too. hais. i detest my past and my lifestyle. when i truly get the ans, it might all be too late. oh well.. wat belongs to me wil belong to me one day :) i'm not all fine but i will be better. i no longer wanna feign a fake smile anymore. it's tiring. just let me be alone for awhile til i can smile again. i'm very touch to all my frens who truly cared. my brother being so bothered by my things even on his bday. truly thankful :) sms from my more thn 10 yr sister. reali appreciate. and not forgetting rena and gina for caring no matter wat happened. last and not least, my dearest mum who have been very worried since she got the news. but i'm proud to say i'm doin gd infront of her. even if i'm feigning.. i just wan her to be happy.

i honestly stil love u.
sigh

Just wanna share a song and a movie with anyone souls here. i dun care even if there isnt cos i just wanna keep a record of this show which i believe is PERFECT :) it's simply too amazing how a movie can portray so well the bondings in life. fatherly love, motherly love, brotherly and sister love. and of cos.. the love between a master and her dog. the bond they share is incomparable. a dog is truly a man's best fren. they're the ones that accepts us fully for who we are. dogs dun care if we're rich or poor, they dun care if we're beautiful or ugly, as long as we give them our heart, they'd love us more thn we love them. it's amazing how these creatures are much more wonderful thn humans sometimes. i'm ashame to be a human after witnessing so many true dog stories. and this shows somehow reminded me of my poor dawa who was set free by my mum few yrs back =\ hais. in the show the little girl fought so hard to get back mari but i did not do anything when dawa was gone. i hate myself for not having the courage to fight for wat i wanted. hais. i hope he's doing well thou.. dawa i miss u :(



and here's the ending song for it. very nice :)



dun ever call a dog, a lowly creature for we humans are much worst thn them.

have been feeling reali reali down ytd and today. was kinda thinking what on earth i've done to deserve this kind of life i'm having. no house, no money, no job, no life. why am i such a useless person living in this world wasting it's resources? sometimes i feel i'm much worst thn some beggers out there. at least they go out and beg for money. i dun even try to earn a living or make my life works. and he's totally not helping at all. throwing tantrums cos i neglect him and stuff. it's getting on my nerves actually. what do u expect me to do when i got totally NOTHING to do at home? of cos i find ways to entertain myself by anime-ing or gaming. and there i have a unhappy bf. i guess in the first place i shouldnt even have stayed over at his place. now he's so used to it he throws tantrums when we're seperated. he urges me to find a flat asap. but hello where can we get the money? i also noe find a flat i also wan to stay tgt. but reality is cruel! and wat's best, i'm been finding the flat for the past few days and he's not helping. i dun like this feeling at all. it feels back to those days when i'm desperate for a house and i'm all alone. i broke down once and nearly broke down twice. i thank god for making me stronger thn before thus saving myself from this very scary emotional blow. i reali am reaching my limit soon. i cannot stand someone throwing tantrums at me. i cannot stand having to take all these stress and load alone. it's F up! i'm giving up. i'm just goin to stop looking for a flat, stay at this single rm that we rented and just find a job and screw my life. life's been a fking bitch that reali reali makes me sick. had enough of all these. people gets spoilt, people gets all the luxury they have. i dun. but i'm not asking for them either. al i ask for it leniency in life so that i could fking survive. a place i call home. ppl i call families. that's just the simple life i wan. i dun see why it's so hard. argh FMLFMLFMLFMLFMLTTM!

It's been awhile since i last post. alot of ups and downs have happened for the past 3 months since i was away from my blog. Apr 17th, i've found my love. someone whom made me felt so special. Everything goes smoothly, sweet, nice, simple.. work at MBS was nice too. very fascinating and very nice new frens. but May 20th, i officially lost my job as a dealer thanks to CRA. i got no idea why they fail me and appealing is STILL in progress. after that, it's a nice long rest for a month with bf. started looking for job like crazy cos think of my house rent, tink of mum, tink of my future with bf. and now, got a job and signing the agreement this friday at Tangs as a CS. Just had a tiff with bf over some issues. to him, i'm a irresponsible, selfish gamer gf who totally dun tink of his feelings at all. to me, i'm just being who i am. i was bored stiffen at home. audi acc got banned, started mapling and kinda get hook without knowing. and bf snapped. wanted to go get some rest now but brain is filled with rights and wrongs. trying to find out why things can turn like this so suddenly. he dun like to express himself, or rather, he dun reali noe how to express himself. and so do i. maybe even worst on my part. i'm not use to saying "ily" anymore. i'm not use to being all sweet and mushy anymore. wondering where have that part of me gone to. sigh. decided to shift home so as not to piss him further. a lesson i learnt from stanley in sec sch when he n his ex gf had a tiff. "separation might not be a bad thing in a r/s. being separated helps both to realise how much place they stand in each others' heart. if by being separated, and you doesnt miss that someone as much, it simply means u're not in love." his r/s was reconciled by a short separation. but anyway.. yup, i'm packing my stuffs now. kinda emo but oh well, i'm a 23 yr old adult that shud not waste time on being emo anymore :) just a short story to share...



Girl A : Why must there be quarrels in a r/s?

Girl B : Well, love in not the power of everything in this universe. Afterall, humans are selfish creatures. We come alone and leave alone. We live for ourselves and we die for ourselves.

Girl A : But isnt there a saying "love overcomes all"?

Girl B : sometimes it does. But most of the time it doesnt. in this cruel society we live in, with all the stress and this fast pace, we're not allowed to waste time on being all lovey dovey. And also, Love does not consist of only happiness and laughters. It consist a high percentage of anger and sadness as well.

Girl A : But.. why?! when you love someone, dont you just wan the person to smile and be the happiest person on earth? and when the someone is with you, arent u the happiest person as well?

Girl B : yup. but reality are stil reality. the world still spins no matter wat happen. humans comes with emotions and humans are very weak against stress. humans hates things which make them in the losing spot and thus, anger or sadness sets in. human tends to do things without using their tiny brain and regret in the end.

Girl A : But to me i still believe that true love overcomes all.

Girl B : True love only happens when both human totally accepted one another's way of living and handling things. It's very rare. in fact, i'd say it has extinct.

Girl A : Well, if you believe, it'll come to you one day :)

Girl B : I'm starting to stop believing..



which person is having the right definition of love? Girl A who is a die hard lover? or Girl B who stop believing in love? btw sry for the lousy story, this story was in my confuse mind. i dunno which is right now. i wan to trust and believe. but i was proven wrong. so wrong right in my face. talking about marriage without realising all this? it hurts.. thank god i did not jump right into it. i know i dun wanna lose him. but if being tgt makes him unhappy, i rather let go. i'm not good at expressing myself. which ended up confusing myself and having unnecessary ups and downs. oh well. nearly 3month.. our dreams, our future, are they crushed? hmm.. or there wasnt even "us" to begin with? lost~

it's torturous.
you think i like this life?
No i dun..
But u'd never understand.
you didnt even try..

i tend to laugh at my own life alot. tinking back on how wonderful my life was when i was a kid. with a perfect family, backgrounds, financial status.. having everything i wanted.. a well brought up little girl.. within one night, everything turns to ashes.. am missing my very first and biggest dream of being a pianist when alvin shared with me a piece by Yiruma. the song's "Kiss the rain" it's reali reali nice.. it's heartwrenching tinking that my piano dreams went down the drain thanks to my parent's failed marriage. it pains me to see other's performing on the stage so wonderfully and yet i can onli be a audience. it hurts each time i watch a concert wonderfully performed in my face.. it hurts when i cannot be the one there. musical concerts always leaves me in tears. always i'm tinking.. if i were to continued my music lessons since thn til now.. i might be a very very different person. i might be a well tempered girl who's demure and much liked by everyone else. not this ah lian (whom everyone tinks i am). it's funny how and why everytime i act so damn positive yet i'm all about negativity. haha~ wat rights do i have to preach on ppl's life? it's easy to portray a happy image.. but it's definitely very and i mean VERY VERY lonely in the inside when no one truly understands. having to hide away all my negativity and live like any happy girl is not a easy job. but al i wan is ppl ard me to feel happy. i like it when ppl see me they smile. i wouldnt mind even if they teases me as long it brings a smile on them. thus i guess i've formed this habit of acting all so positive ba. well.. the world stil spins even when we're down.. nth i can do but to accept fate as they comes :) oh well.. God i need strength.. the strength to live with this smile everyday.. the strength to hide my loneliness and unhappiness which was stolen from me. i need u once again.. i'm on a low batt already.. :(

i wish to just cry my hearts out just like a little girl..
the pains.. the pasts.. the darkness..
where's my happiness that was stolen since young?
would u pls return to me? :(

i took the courage and ended our less thn a month's r/s.. another chapter in my life has ended. it was a short but good chapter.. he's a nice guy.. it's just he's not wat i needed and wanted. had a chat with mummy and she's very oppose of our r/s.. she said this as her reason "of cos i wish u'll get someone who love me more thn i do. someone who dotes on u and pamper u.. give u the happiness which me n ur dad couldnt give." her tears dropped as she mentioned this.. it breaks my heart. she said i'm very 委屈.. of cos i do feel unhappy.. but i wont say he didnt give me any happiness at all.. perhaps time doesnt allow according to him. but oh well.. i guess every individual is different ba :) our ways of behaving, our ways of showing our love to someone.. there's no one at fault in this broken r/s.. it's plainly due to our characteristic that doesnt suit at all.. i'm thankful that he's nice enough to respect my decision. hopefully we could stil be good frens :) wishes him all the best in everything esp his roulette assesment.

well.. guess alot of u wil tink i'm so gonna cry die myself over this again rite? lol~ yea i did cry but at least i noe.. we're not meant to be and accepted the fact :) i'm griefing over the end of a r/s.. not over anything. i believe i did not lose him as a fren and that's the most impt isnt it :) dun worry all my darlings.. iko is definitely alot stronger now after all the storms i've been thru ^^ i kinda admire myself for the way i handle this r/s actually lol :x no matter wat.. i just wanna be the happy iko as always and be a strong girl for mummy :) work work work is at priority now! yay yay! 1 assesment cleared now 1 more major game to go! wish me luck peeps <3

thanks you, sorry..
and goodbye..

am kinda in a lost situation now haha. just when i thot i've found someone who'd treat me like a lil princess.. everything turns out to be the opposite.. it's nearly 1 month and the issue is stil goin on.. him not giving me enough attention and the bochup attitude.. it's turning me very off.. most of our conversation are non-qualitied.. cant even spend a sweet honeymoon tgt.. tink bout it.. how long have i lost the "honeymoon" feeling? been years =.= the real last time that i felt love was i tink a yr ago? lol~ if this continues, i'll slowly forget bout the feeling of being love and loving someone ._. i dun blame him for not spending much time with me but at least be a little more sweet whenever we can be tgt? is it reali that hard to be sweet to ur own love one? i dun understand.. having no time is not a good reason for neglecting ur other half.. there are always other alternatives to make up for it.. i get nothing. and he expects me to be a strong girl who's independent.. yes i am independent but as a girl, i'd love to live in my fantasy at times.. wat wrong is it? ._. which girl on earth doesnt wish to be pampered and dote on by their own bf? which girl doesnt wan to be cared for and honeyed-words to? infact which GUY doesnt wan either? it's the same! humans yearn for love.. wat creates love? attentions, care, concerns, understandings, communications and alot more factors.. he tinks that small issues are not worth mentioning adn we shudnt be wasting time on them. but seriously.. small issues are the built up of the whole picture isnt it? a small piece of puzzle is impt to the entire art piece. be it major or minor.. it's all tgt impt. he just dun see the importance of maintaining a r/s.. told him once told him twice.. nth is being done and all he says is "i got no time!" wth =.= i'm not expecting him to spend more time physically with me.. just the emotional side. i'm not even filled to the bit emotionally. he uses words like "u're weird", "u're hard to please" and he claims that we shud talk over it and find a solution.. we did talk.. but any solutions? no! he cant get my points and he's not giving in any step. so how the hell are we gonna have effective communication? i dun get it at all.. alot of ppl is telling me no matter how tired u are, u'll be able to dig time for ur love ones. i'm sick til now and he didnt even show any concern.. even my frens are showing me much more concern than he do when he's the one i'm suppose to be closest to now. i dunno anymore how to continue this r.s.. i bet he dun even feel that there's a problem with our r/s from the beginning til i mention it lol. perhaps he alr treat this r/s like a marriage.. something that doesnt need so much maintainence and is 100% durable.. but sry.. my r/s needs alot of maintainence. i do not wish to feel like a married old cpl that's so dead when we're just dating. i wanna enjoy every part of our dating process the way every r/s shud be. he mentioned that i'm the weirdest gf he had.. likewise for me.. he's the weirdest bf i had too! no idea his way of loving is which method.. i totally dun feel it at all.. this reminds me of a sentence from the song 最近.. "你想要的我卻不能夠給你我全部，我能給的卻又不是你想要擁有的".. it's so like me n one of my ex bf Mr.M but i'm in his position ba lol~ oh well.. perhaps it'll be best if we remain as frens :) i'm always a good fren with libras and from the start i noe that libras are not good lovers for me lol. and now it's tested and proven to be oh-so-true..

p/s: ur insincerity have totally killed my feelings.. ur not trying to understand attitude have killed me totally..

alrite a little update here since today's my wonderful off day and i'm waiting for my nails to be dried :) hmm tink i'll start with the good news first? tsk~ firstly, on the 10 march 2010, i've gotten myself a new audi cpl who'll appreciate my time and wont MIA from me ._. anyway i've also learnt not to take virtual world too seriously too :) but i have to admit i stil couldnt forget c4u =\ well no matter wat it's 2 bloody yrs! even longer thn my real life longest r/s ._. blah anyway it's over :)

another thing is on the very same day, i've found my new love, baby kiera *shy* to those who dunno, he's my fellow colleague at work whom i noe before the orientation hehe. it's amusing when both ur bf and u are dealers LOL! 80% of our topic is bout work, 10% is on movies and another 10% is on random stuffs ._. interesting r/s ehh? never like any of the ones i've experienced LOL~ well not as lovey dovey, not as overly sweet and passionate as any other r/s but stability is wat i'm looking at now :) i wan a long term stable bf not a short termed, passionate and suddenly gone bf.. of cos i hope he'll be the one :)

training have almost come to an end for blackjack and i'm starting on baccarat once my assesment which is this week ends =\ pls pray for me X( am very anxious over it =\ everythin's good at training and this is seriously the most fun job i ever had :D have alot of good frens and am enjoying every moment. but one thing ar, i tink i'm seriously falling sick soon x.x been having flu for past 2 days and sore throat for bout a week.. feeling very slpy and energy-less at work which i never ever had felt before ever since training start. felt very drained and i dunno why x.x

ok last but not least.. the bad news =\ i wished i dun have to mention this in my blog but oh well.. my dearest fren Annie from my sec sch, passed away on 11 march 2010. it was overly sudden for all of us to take it. she MIA-ed for 1 or 2 yrs and suddenly we got a call saying she's gone. it was due to bone cancer (i dunno the proper name for it) she had been having symptoms of it since sec sch. but all doc said nth was found out til 2009 when she was alr in stage 3 of bone cancer. i'm not very sure of the story but all i noe is.. Annie was one of my best friend in sec sch since sec 1. we were both in netball and went thru terrible trainings tgt. while chatting with shiqi and zhenyun bout our netball training 10yrs ago, it was heartwrenching when the flashbacks occurs :( it felt terrible looking at her photo and offering josssticks to our dearest fren. all of us haven met for quite awhile and yet we've gathered over this.. it reali sucks. tears filled our eyes and i believe all our hearts were broken. it's very very painful to see a fren gone. someone whom we've known for 10 yrs. when her mum told us how she behave during her last few days, it breaks our heart even further but we were not allowed to cry. her mum is VERY strong and in return she consoled us. lol~ i reali look up to her wonderful mum. very very strong woman. her mum's wish is that we'll celebrate Annie's bday on 27 may for her at mandai. so i guess we'll be there ba. i seriously dunno how to sing happy birthday happily that day =\ but i'll try my best. for my best fren for my frens. reali felt that we shud cherish every single soul that's ard us now be it ur frens, love ones, family or even enemies. it's all precious gifts from god. dun wait til it's too late..

p/s: i waited too long.. annie mentioned "meet up soon" bout few months ago and i didnt take it seriously.. draggin and draggin.. now this meet up wil never be fulfilled. regrets lingered in my heart.. always..

May the Blessings of God be with you and ur family..
In Loving Memory..
Annie Lim Pei Xian

boo!it's been bout a week since my training at MBS started and i swear everythin is SO FUN!!! xD i'm in team 54 and my trainer's myla (idk how to spell) and ricky :D both very nice and i tink ricky cannot tahan my nonsense LOL he's slowly becoming as nonsensical as me :x til now we've learnt bout chips and a tiny bit on cards and i'm alr having terribly cramped hands :( my left pinky got a tiny blister thanks to riffling of cards and mid finger joints got blueblack on both side thanks to chips :( but time passes fasta nd it's fun working there :D today's my off day and wanted to sort some notes for everyone but ended up i couldnt compile much of it so gave up :x and i audi and dota whole day :x hehehe~ 1 whole week nv game fr 24hr today game le very shiok :x and i got my new cpl alr ;luv mr OGA aka tiko tsktsk~ hopefully this time wont have any hiccups ba ._. hmm wat else to update.. actually nth much recently just the training part ba. wil go into more details if i got more time :D goin dota now! wheee <3

A song i'm damn in love with..

Teardrops on my Guitar - Taylor Swift

Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see
What I want and I need
And everything that we should be

I'll bet she's beautiful
That girl he talks about
And she's got everything
That I have to live without

Drew talks to me
I laugh 'cause it's just so funny
I can't even see
Anyone when he's with me

He says he's so in love
He's finally got it right
I wonder if he knows
He's all I think about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

Drew walks by me
Can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly
The kind of flawless I wish I could be

She better hold him tight
Give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes
And know she's lucky 'cause

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

So I drive home alone
As I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down
And maybe get some sleep tonight

'Cuz he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into
Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see..

And also this next song..

White Horse - Taylor Swift

Say you're sorry
That face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
And I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on
And days drag on
Stupid girl,
I should have known, I should have known

[Chorus]
I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your White Horse, to come around.

Baby I was naive,
Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
I had so many dreams
About you and me
Happy endings
Now I know

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one to sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

Here you are your knees
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I'm sooo sorry

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappears now
Now its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa
Try and catch me now
Oh, it's too late
To catch me now

i'm not your princess.
This aint a fairytale (:
Bid goodbye.

it's funny how after a smoke i wanted to change the song on my win player and realise that it was the song Beautiful by CHC singers and i choose to hear it while hitting a few keys here :)

okeis anyways, am feeling a little bit on the down side today =\ but afterall i'm fine i guess.. was quite shocking to see him and i seriously dunno why my heartbeat stopped for at least 3 seconds when i saw him. i was totally frozen for 3secs and after that my heartbeat raced like mad =\ i swear i dunno why =\ kinda hmm i would say it's terrible feeling. for a moment i thot i was dying lol =\ anyway nice seeing him early in the morning :) went home at bout 11plus in the morning after tonning at XG ytd with qin ai de, max, fly and randy.

Qin ai de came over to my place to slp cos today's Andy's wedding chalet too so we planned to head straight there after a short rest at my place. but i guess things turned out kinda bad =\ Qin ai de found out some stuffs which were not supposed to be known. it wasnt any wrongdoings i swear but still i noe it'll hurt her. sigh~ i shudnt have that silly idea that time :( she told me she gotta head home cos some stuff happened and when she left she texted me thn i noe bout it. oh well.. at least we got it settled :) this is the first time ever, i was SO DAMN afriad of losing someone dear to me =\ tears gushed out when we were texting one another. it was a white lie but i guess if i were in her spot i will feel equally bad as well ba *i'm so sorry* i ever lost few dear ones in the past and it changed my life entirely. that time, i dun even have the chance to experience the feeling of Fear of losing. it happened all too fast. guess we were too young to even talk bout it back thn. but oh well.. this time i'm thankful that qin ai de could cool her head off and we managed to have a little chat and cleared the misunderstanding. i felt totally drained after that D: it's like.. after a big war? *terrible*

after that on the way to XG to meet the guys to head over to Andy's chalet, i suddenly had this thought.. "lotsa things are happening with XR now and all of us are cracking our brains and reali trying to help one another. but it didnt drained me at all.. but this incident with Qin ai de reali killed me totally.. i felt totally drained." I guess i reali cant lose any of my dear ones anymore =\ the incidents with XRs i see the unity within us, the loyal friends helping one another worrying for one another.. checking on one another everyday to make sure all is safe.. it reali touched me alot :) i'm thankful i'm part of them :) seriously alot of people might wanna bring XR down.. let me tell u ppl.. XRs are standing strong and wil never fall.. and do not judge us by stereotyping pls.. XRs are nice ppl loyal friends who'll never throw anyone to die. take time to understand us well and u'll realise it :) after reachin XG we cabbed down to changi for Andy's chalet.. well nothing much there.. just had dinner there and they gambled abit and that's all for the day :) Congrats to Andy and Caroline on their Big Day! *God's blessings befalls them for life!* ^^

after that just head home while the guys head to XG for few rounds of dota lol~ well was feeling kinda lonely which i dunno why either.. tsk =\ and this i also realised that loneliness isnt about whether you have company ornt.. it's all within the heart. You can have a BIG bunch of frens with u physically but when ur heart is empty, loneliness stil conquers over.. kinda scary but it's true :( when home, audi for awhile and chatted with Joel and Maine for quite abit haha. details shall not be mentioned =p it's a girl's gossip! so shhh~ tsk~ after that dota-ed for 2 rounds and 1st was with Haru korkor with public players :( my first game out and i'm so gg-ed x.x ok first game.. wat u expect >=( after that loost joined me n korkor for AI session =x i'd call it raping the AIs haha =x everytime i high-ing thn gg alr. sian ._. the disadvantage of being a DR ehh :( well that's how my day ended.. started badly, proceeded lonely and ended in peace. so i guess i'll rate it an average day? haha~

hmm a little update bout my emotional world now.. i'm in a very very confused state seriously =\ A are telling me these and B are telling another.. while C seems to be there for me everytime i'm down. grrr! i'm fighting against myself :( i wan to stop all these but i tink i failed.. read somewhere on someone's blog and happen to see this sentence that hit a little bit on my head.. it says "i'm just forcing myself to give up.. why should i make myself suffer?" i kinda think that to give up, is not a choice made by the head.. it can onli be a choice when you heart tells u that it had already given up. and we cant control our heart at all.. thus this is quite a bad news eh? :( for these past few weeks or a month? i've been forcing myself to give up so damn much.. being emo, being down, acting strong and as if nth ever happened. misses but dare not contact.. bought vday choc for him yet have no courage to give it to him. sigh~ i'm reali rottenly rotten :( it hurts u noe? to force ur heart to stop loving someone.. it reali do.. but thn.. to stop loving is another way of loving the person isnt it? hais~ matters of the heart is murdering me slowly day by day :(

anyway 2 more days to my job at MBS lets hope i could get so busy (but not stress) and have no time to even tink bout these ba =\ someone told me he might be jealous that's why he's acting strange too.. i duno? i reali dun~ watever it is.. i'm leaving it to fate ba :) as for now, i choose to wait for the miracle that might or might not happen :) no harm waiting? :) be it virtually or RL i'm waiting :) hoping everything could turn out fine :) but these days it seems we've been talking in RL alot more :) but of cos virtually and mobilly alot lesser :( but oh well.. nothing i can do yea? i'm glad we could stil be friends after watever that happened.

p/s: i need to sort out my feelings too. i totally dun understand wat is going on anymore. i'm lost reali reali lost :( i need a shoulder to lie on i need a hug to comfort me i need to cry my lungs out. i need to.. wat's going on in ur head my dear? wat exactly is going on? :(

i reali miss u alot. :(

lol cant stand some ppl who cant face the facts. onli noe how to delete tags, delete everything that's against herself and frame everything on others. everything bad that happens to her is all XR's fault? omg~ assumption pig :D anyway she's just a kid by turning to her dad / police when things dun go her way :) cant get things done yourself? just a pampered rich kid. why not lock urself at home everyday since u cant even face the society? omg~ cant believe such ppl reali exist.. just wanna rant alittle bit :) one day suddenly die on the street also dunno why lol~

see for yourself :)

i'm proud to say i won max in a dota AI match! AHAHAHA!!!


i'm a happy girl today :) dun ask me why hehe~
thank you <3




-Post editted due to the dog cpl which barks like nobody's business when i mention nth here in my blog. tsk-

Happy CNY and Valentines' =\

The weekends were kinda so-so for me. went to xg on sat after reunion dinner with mummy at gran's place. Reunion dinner was not bad.. uncle Eddie came over too so got to meet my couz Tasya. Am kinda shock how tall she is alr and i swear she n Travis are both ultra hyper kids x.x had dinner and chatted abit with uncle and aunties and gran. and went over to XG at bout 11plus. Jim, wt, wj, jon, pang, rick and bird were there. but i didnt play alot thou. me n qin ai de played abit and went over to meet hua to go hougang find joel. well didnt get to see her thou. guess she might be aslp. so the 3 of us went to chat at some voiddeck bout lotsa stuffs. kinda sucky to be the start of new year and vday =\ lotsa r/s problems haunting everyone. sigh~

and ytd i onli slept 3 hours and thn gotta wakey to head to gran's place for bai nian. my eyes are reali @.@ but oh well~ it's cny D: got into my pretty dress and i wore heels! tsk tsk! =x when at gran's place chatted with couz sarah and claryl alot. this is the very first time in my entire life i felt i have cousins LOL =x every yr i just kept shut and sat at one corner emo. this yr felt exceptionally good :D gerald was away in japan so couldnt see him this yr. royston left early too :( so onli the 3 of us and the rest of the younger ones. it felt good chatting with them so much. and clar's a sweetie to offer to make a japanese sandal for me :D anyway uncle willy say he wants to open a child care and ba principal so he rehearsed while taking care of the younger ones. so cute la! LOL! they were watching some disney thingy on laptop imagine 6kids of age 3 - 7 were trying to squeeze on 1 computer chair LOL. and when sarah went to off the com cos aunt eileen start to nag, their faces were all :( :( and more :( LOL! super super cute!

after that aunt eileen granted them more time to use the lappy so when we on again all of them chiong to the seats again OMG cute die! xD thn we skype with gerald abit and oh i chatted with issac! lol! my couz whom we never even said hi for 23 yrs of my life ._. he's working at Attica as a bartender omg~ and amazingly how many things we can actually chat on LOL! and granduncle kept asking when's my turn to get married x.x i just mention "hi unc did u see my bf standing ard here? no right? no bf how to get married?!" thn everyone say "aiya very fast one la" ._. and the marriage topic went non-stop x.x but oh well i guess this yrs a good CNY for me :D i finally felt the existence in the family~ tsk~ stayed ard til evening and head back home. was super super tired~

rion thn text me out for movie *not bad i got a date!* but ended up didnt go lol dun ask me why =\ and des texted too. also didnt go =x not bad luh at least i'm stil wanted in the market LOL =x but rejected all these dates and chose to went out with a fren of mine to chat over a cup of coffee and had mac for supper at tamp mall :) chatted bout lotsa random stuffs. from sec life to our uniform grp experience, to working exprience, to ghost stories ._. to matters of the heart. poor fren of mine, has a gf but yet couldnt spend vday tgt =\ he kept thank me for accompanying and chatting with him. tsk~ crazy~ wat are frens for man :) i needed a company too to just chat and not someone whom have other intentions on this special yet peaceful day :) never spent a vday as a single for years alr lol~ this yr.. kinda special ba :) but afterall it's all good :) didnt felt happy but didnt felt sad either. with the company of my fren, i didnt feel lonely too :) thank God for a wonderful and peaceful day :) wishes all loved ones be filled with happiness and blessings overflow! <3

Peace fills me on this exceptionally lonely day (:

I've ended the 1yr 6month cpling r/s with him today. it hurts. it reali do. but i guess it'll be pointless since everytime he took it for granted that i'll wait for him and keep giving me empty promises. everytime ppl ask me "eh iko who's ur cpl ar never see before one." it felt like a knife stabbed into my heart. each time i see ppl LP, wedding, mega with nice grats for LP and stuff, my heart turned sour. does he noe? no~ alot of ppl envy my eggyolk ring but do they noe tat i on the other hand envy them for having low lvl rings but a wonderful cpl by their side? during LP, i have to find ppl to help me login and play. even the success of LP meant nth to me already. of cos, tinking back on the past.. how we met quarrelling like some big enemies, for a yr or so til we both MIA form one another's life, and met again on the morning of 4th sep 2008.. how i got "conned" to be his cpl, how angry i was and everyday gave him attitude and demanded him to say 101 things to make me smile and cheer me up. i remembered the day he propose, i told him no way. because i was actually his noob acc cpl.. and i said i onli wan to wedding with main acc. and immediately he broke up with ikki. i was quite shock actually. i never wedding before and that was my first. stil remember my shivering hands at yishun chambers while playing the wedding license. it was scarily scary! we manage to pass at first try (: things have been real sweet since thn. when i was feeling very down one day, he found a way to get acash and bought me a wonderful set of clothes just to cheer me up. btw he's in aussie so there's almost no way to get acash (: he reali was a wonderful cpl who once made me felt reali loved even we're just frens. he's the reason i'm so into audi. he's the reason i'm who i am today. when i was down, he was there for me. but.. i reali hate it when he break his promise over and over again. and each time just solve it with a "sorry" and get it over. it suck.. it reali suck to be having to wait for someone for months and months and he appeared and went missing again. it suck even more to noe that i'm just a spare tyre for him. sigh~ well.. things have ended now and i guess bringing up the past wont do anyone good (: so just to wish him happiness and blessings. and thanks for being a wonderful cpl (:

i chose it.
Gdbye.
Once My Love.
040908 - 080210

my tears burnt my pillow once again. things have gotten out of hand i guess. i guess i've just created an illusion for me to fall into and now the illusion bubble have burst. time to wake up ba. am gonna force myself to accept the fact and pack up my feelings for my new life awaiting. i'm goin into my mourning period for awhile now. maybe the best way is stil the old way. i need to forget my life for a little while (: it's clear how things wil end. maybe i deserve better. maybe i dun deserve him. which ever the way is. this is it (:

p/s: thanks for everything up til now. u've been sweet. thou things have change and u've change. i've awaken too (: this is wat u wan isnt it? i'll make it happen (:

i'll force myself.

Nuff said (:

感情最忌讳的就是认真 ， 一旦有人认真了 ， 游戏也结束了 (:

simply done (:

Am having a little mind breaking moment with myself now :\ what does the kiss means? what does the actions means? all kiss have a meaning dun they? it's either "iloveyou" or "lets get it started" and the later meant no good here :\ but what is it when it's neither of them? *sigh* it feels good hugging u. it feels good to be able to throw my tantrums in ur arms. it feels good to fall asleep in ur arms. it feels good to have u stroking my head when i cant slp. it feels good to wake up seeing ur slping face rite infront of me. the urge to ask u just wat exact wat position are we in now was so strong but just couldnt force it out of my mouth. i felt happy having u with me. but it was extremely cold and painful after u left without a nice goodbye. and following ur cold smses sucks. had alot of different comments thrown to me regarding u.. some were encouraging while most were disheartening :( the urge to let go and walk away was so strong once again. this dun feel good.. reali :\ wanted to have a nice chat with u but couldnt.. u came online and went offline without saying a thing. guess u were tired. guess God's telling me to hold back my words and tink thoroughly before i speak. oh well. my heart's in a big mess. i'm breaking down :(

help :(
it's been awhile since i last cried over this.

good news! MBS aka IR finally called me! and i'll be goin for a briefing and dunno wat fingerprint censor thingy and photo taking on the 11th of feb and my training starts on 23rd feb xD i cant wait! omg! have been waiting for this day for like 5 months? LOL~ it's gonna be a tough path but i guess it'll be exciting as well xD lotsa new things to learn for me especially :D and lotsa new friends to make! wheee! but kinda sad i cant train with silver and lost :( their training starts on 22nd and they're the first batch.. mine i guess cos they called me too late so have to go with the 2nd batch which starts 1 day later thn them :( i just hope we can be in the same shift thou :D at least i have some smking kakis and i wont feel too tensed =x quite scary to tink of it.. how damn busy i'll be when it starts.. how damn little time i have for my leisure and my games D: meow meow~ let's just hope everything wil be smooth for the next 9 month at least ba :D recently had been quite draining for me lol~ had been tonning at XG for the past i dunno how many days D: it was nice hanging out with frens, having laughter everyday of my life.. at least i noe.. i'm not alone :) and when ytd i'm finally stuck home, walao so lonely X( but i guess it's just parts n parcels of life? tsk~ anyways have started learning dota again LOL!! =x so blur :( had been into a few games recently lol~ when u hang out at lan too much with nth to do, i guess u'll end up trying all sorts of games lol~ well fun :) okies am gonna play a few rd of dota alr (dun expect much it's just me against AI and it's EASY somemore) roar~ gdnites and gdbyes~!

muacks

hmm just got inspiration to hit somethin on my blog and sry to my none-chinese friends cos my chinese suddenly wished to be flaunt LOL =x wrote something like that in english last june for another guy so guess this time could try it in chinese hehe =x here it goes (:

想愛卻不敢愛的感覺。。 有人知道嗎？ 身邊的朋友都覺得我們是不同世界的人。。 不論是外表或性格，我們都不屬于同個世界。。 年齡的差距也令人想笑。。 他們問為什么我會喜歡上你，我卻回答不了口。 或許是你剛好進入了我寂寞的世界吧。。 你那溫柔的聲音，溫柔的關心，搖動了我不想移動的心。 你讓我覺得很特別。。 但我也會跟自己說或許你只是單純的以對一個朋友的好在對待我吧。 當從朋友口中聽到你沒有喜歡我時，心里不知為何會有一股酸酸刺刺的感覺。。 沒有你的消息時，我會感到很寂寞。 看見你的名字浮現在手機銀幕上時，嘴角會不自覺的往上揚。 這。。 是喜歡上一個人的感覺嗎？ 我自己也不清楚了。 真的很不想承認自己已經喜歡上你，卻又把止不住。 之前你說了一個很普通的“sorry”，雖然只是很普通的一個字，但它卻讓我感到好寂寞。。 為了不想再聽到那寂寞的“sorry”，我好想放棄。。 過了幾天再次遇見你，好想永遠把你留在我的視線里。。 永遠也不讓你離開。 雖然只是一下子的有你陪伴，但我想這已足夠了。 謝謝你。。 我這個又傻又單純的好朋友 (:

好想好想你。。
-薇

Few things to update abit bout my boring life ~.~ anyways i'm back to working at speed and today's my LAST DAY!!! woohoo~! kelvin's leaving so there isnt any need for me to stay on either so might be hopping to raining soon :D on wed had abit too much of drinks and got involve in a mini "fight" with that damn bar tender from beerbelly.. got a little push from him and now i'm with my big blue black on my knee.. damn guys who lays a finger on girls >=( anyways, realised that CNY is getting near and damn it falls on v.day ~.~ but oh well since i'm spending a single v.day this yr so it doesnt matter which day it falls on haha :3 haven gotten any idea on wat clothes to get this yr and basically.. i'm not in the mood for CNY =\ i dunno why either meow~ has been missing on catching up with frens recently thanks to my lifeless job.. spending most of my time at work if not home and sometimes at XG bedok.. kinda wasting my life away again X( MBS.. when are u guys calling me :(:(:( i wanna work a proper job and get my life goin! grrr~ oh well.. no idea wat else to hit on my keys here alr.. pray for my last day tonite at speed *amen*