Contented..

being woken from his call and making silly noises to wake me up to talk to him as he's too high on caffeine makes me smile even in my sleepy mode.. it's just cute when he do such things :) had a long chat with him over almost everything and of cos i liked the feeling :) it feels that i can have a share of his life, what he is going thru despite gd or bad.. i like it when i can share his things on work and i'm very happy when i can be of help.. even if i cant, i'm glad that i can just give him a listening ear..

talked quite abit about our issue.. of cos, i'm sad.. but he constantly reminds me that he stil loves me.. just that he needs a break.. i'm thankful. humans are greedy, i'm no exception. of cos i'm dying to have him solely to myself. but there's voice constantly reminding me that i should be contented and happy that i'm stil alive in his heart and that i'm being love and miss by him. i hope his upcoming trip back home can give him a reali gd break thou.. catching up with his family and frens. he needs a gd break aft all the shits since i know him. i dunno if i'd lose him totally.. but i'm leaving it into the hands of God. all i wish for is him to be happy. i will be his gd girl, waiting for his return. waiting for a day where i can hold him in my arms again. even if it might not come.. i'll wait..

it makes me happy whenever i receive texts n calls frm him. upon hearing his voice this morning, i smiled. it just feels like something is missing without his voice. it just feels like something is missing without texting him or hearing from him. sometimes.. i just yearn for simplicity like this. i just wanna ignore watever complications we have and watever paranoid issues i have. i wanna ignore my insecurities and just love him. despite us not dating anymore, i can stil feel he is constantly assuring me that he is stil there. and i'm very thankful..

the urge of hugging and just simply doting on him is strong.. damn strong especially when knowing that he's super tired and had a long day. the urge of just flooding him with kisses and holding him in my arms, making him feel safe and secure is so strong. i couldnt give him now since he no longer wants it.. all i could do is diverting them on whisker.. sigh.. i miss u so much :(


i'll be a happy girl if you wan me to
but the only one that can truly make me happy is none other than you..
awaiting for the day i can hold u in my arms again..
awaiting for the day i can be in your arms once again..
much love.. - your girl

我最幸福的事..

was feeling pretty down n out..

how i wish i could get a hug from u..

gotten a news that he'd be out of spore again..

sigh..

i stil blame my own stupidity for losing him..

all i wan is just a simple r/s with him.. just a simple happiness..

it seems so hard.

how i wish we could just throw everything aside and just love one another n be there..

have been avoiding alcohol and crying myself to slp every single night since i've lost him..

all i yearn for, is his forgivness..

all i yearn for is waking to a day seeing him calling me baby again..

all i yearn for.. is a hug from him telling me everything wil be fine..

baby.. i miss u so much :(


p/s : another night to flood whisker and huhu with my tears.. sigh.. god.. i need this miracle.. :(

Our journey..

after waking up, i was reluctant to get off my bed.. a shelter i use to cuddle myself in to hide away from loneliness.. while resting on my bed n hugging whisker so tightly, memories of us flashes back.. from the very first day i saw his photo, to the day we first met at singtel building, to how we started chatting on 13 dec 2012.. xmas card writings at summer breeze, all the late night chats.. how he used to throw his troubles at me and we just talk everything under the moon.. a day when i was out w frens at frenzie, he came to fetch me and we headed to pasir ris town. that's when i first kissed him. i was bitten by some funny insect and til date, the scar is stil on my arm.. each time i look at it, i was reminded of that very fateful day. somewhere in jan, we were drinking at some pub in serangoon and that's the day i lost my front tooth and gotten scars on my face due to a heavy fall which i wil never forget. but thanks to that fall, alot of blessings came my way.. i spent the nite at his place with him trying to take care of a drunk, injured whiny girl. him, looking so lost and dunno wat to do, is reali cute. and i was extremely happy to wake up beside him with him patting my head and hugging me to slp. his gentleness touched me totally.. and i know i'm terribly in love. things wasnt very gd aft that.. i lost him on vday and gotten myself into some shits. life have been a drunkard state since than til he came back to me on 20 March 2013.. i was thankful and happy that we could drink n chat like normal frens again aft a mth plus of avoiding him. but things gotten much sweeter.. he bought stuffs i nv thought he would for me and cared for me exceptionally. so much that i thot i was dreaming.. we went drinking aft my lesson and he gt drunk and said things which he have been hiding from me. i was in tears.. tears of joy.. and also tears of feeling being malign by him. he thought i had left.. i didnt.. that very day, he made me alive again.. things gotten reali sweet til 2days ago.. my stupidity ruin everything.. sigh.. will there be a continuation to our story? i certainly hope this is not the end..

i'll wait for you..
i'll wait for the day you're willing to come back to me..
i love u

Tears just wont stop!

drinking at this timing, not cool.

i cant help it. i needed to numb myself.

i was wrong. i ended up crying like a baby.

these fking tears just wont stop!

telling sis that maybe i drink, i'd cry, aft i cry, i'd slp.

and when i slp, the day's gone again and i'll start work soon on monday which i'd just be busy concentrating on work n nth else. but.....

why am i not drunk?

why is my tears rolling again???

why why why?!

i dun wanna go back to those drinking days again where i just wanna get drunk n pass days by without him. i dun wanna live in avoidance again. i dun wanna go back to the me without clarity of the mind again.

i cant help it. but cry at my own stupidity..


i miss u

What have i done..

today is a day i lost my love again due to my own insecurities..

i honestly dunno what's gotten into me to get so uptight over small little things.

after talking with my sis, i realised i've become such a monster.. a monster i never ever wanna be..

i've become such a ridiculous girl.

this time i've lost him due to my own stupidity.. it's not his fault but mine..

if only i could turn back time..

totally regreting everything now :(

my wonderful long weekend have turned into a sulking griefing terrible weekend once again..

all my dreams and plans of a wonderful weekend.. gone..

iko.. u're stupid. fking stupid..

i did see his effort this time round.. i'm just too stupid not to realise my own mistakes.

baby i'm so sorry..

nth i can do to make it up. but i promise i'll be gd.. perhaps one day u see the change and wil come back to me.

i yearn to be in his arms once again, to be called his baby once again, to be able to love him once again..



p/s : dear god, i wish for a chance once again. i promise i'll be a gd girl from now onwards. please, dun let this be the end. i dun wanna lose this love again. it hurts.. hell lots :(

So this is how it feels..

I've long forgotten the feeling of to love, be love and be in love..
by saying this, i know it's very unfair to alot of my ex bfs.. but it is the truth..

i've met countless of bastards (it's not too extreme to use this word on them, trust me) who only made me understand wat is "to love".. i gave my heart, and gotten it shattered totally..

i've too met awesome guys who are near perfect but i just couldnt love them as much as they do.. they taught me what is "be love".. i was reali loved and felt very blessed.. but just couldnt accept the fact that i couldnt give them what they deserve frm me.. so i decided to return their heart and bid gdbye..

i've met one person several years ago, who taught me the above 3.. "to love", "be love" and "be in love".. everything was wonderful.. he could understand me like no others.. we could handle each other's ups n downs 100%.. i was a princess when i was with him.. he was my mentor, my best fren and my lover. it was exactly wat i wanted.. except.. it was all too late.. he's a family man and yes i'm a bitch for dating a family man. however, we decided to part ways for his daughter's sake. i came from a broken family n yes i truly understand the feeling of having a broken family. i do not want her to go thru wat i've been thru. the decision was hard.. VERY hard.. but i chose it in the end. hoping it could make up for my sins of going in between a family.

since thn, i've been searching for this feeling again. i've been searching for someone that can make me feel the 3 types of loves again.. for the past 5yrs, it never happened. i can be with someone i like but things just doesnt turn out what i thought it'll be. i guess i was too naive and painted too nice a picture for the word "love". and just when i'm so used to having a "dead" r/s, just when i'm so used to love and not be love, just when i've long forgotten how it feels to be doted on, he came along..

this guy, who got me all in love and thn broke my heart terribly before, whom i've once smiled and cried over before, who i thought i'd never be able to smile because of him ever again, this guy, turned my life ard on a fateful day.. 20th march 2013, a day i'd never forget.. this guy actually came back to me. i couldnt believe i could be in his arms once again and him being in mine.. i couldnt believe he's standing right infront of me once again giving me the warm hug again. and i couldnt believe what i'm hearing from his mouth. i cried to his words.. he hugged me tighter thn before, patting my head like a little girl. at that moment, i felt alive once again. he bought me things i like, things he told me about before, and things i needed due to my sickness. i was surprised even by small little gestures like that. i was very touched.

he made the effort to come al the way to my place in the middle of the night just because we miss one another. he got me my supposedly "dinner" knowing that i'm hungry. he constantly re-assures me on my insecurities as he need to attend some event. and he mentioned 3 sentences which i was dying to hear..

"i'm not gonna leave u alone."
"i dun need u to be supergirl, i need u to be my girl.."
"just open up to me, if u wan us to work it out.."

he wouldnt know how much these 3 sentences meant to me.. i've been acting all strong for so many yrs in order to protect myself.. i've been feeling walked out on so many times before.. and i've always have to hide my true feelings whenever i'm down so i wouldnt "scare" ppl away with my unhappiness. but with 3 short sentences, he assured me to put all these aside.. and today, he actually took the effort to inform me that his phone's gonna die soon so i might not be able to reach him. let me clarify, he's not my bf.. he dun have the need to be there 24/7 for me.. but he did. i was touched. oh and there's a event gg on and he mentioned that if he has known that i am gonna be there, he would have went. u know, it's just all these little things, little thoughts, that's making me falling deeper and deeper each day.

it feels like he is slowly piecing back my tiara back to my head, making me a beautiful princess once again.. it feels like he's slowly piecing back my long shattered heart back together again, making it beat even faster than before. since that fateful day, i've been praying reali hard to daddy JC.. first, i prayed that this is not a dream.. second, i wan daddy JC to show me is this a yes or a no. third, i prayed that we can both trust in each other 101% one fine day. and yes, despite al these overflowing sweetness, we stil couldnt trust each other fully.. it may sound ironic, but it's true. afterall, i've been hurt by him before, and afterall, with my kind of lifestyle with my frens, i've long ago knew that not many guys can trust me.

i will do my best to make this work. however hard it might be, however the ending might be, i just wanna try my best once again. i wanna put in as much effort as he is now. i wanna make him my prince like he's making me a little princess now. and hopefully fairytales can be real too.. "happy ever after" :) i know i'm too old to be talking bout fairytales but hack! i'm a masterpiece by daddy JC and i BELIEVE he will give me a perfect Happy Ever After :)

P/s : each night i dream of a beautiful picture that's worth fighting for :)