So this is how it feels..

I've long forgotten the feeling of to love, be love and be in love..
by saying this, i know it's very unfair to alot of my ex bfs.. but it is the truth..

i've met countless of bastards (it's not too extreme to use this word on them, trust me) who only made me understand wat is "to love".. i gave my heart, and gotten it shattered totally..

i've too met awesome guys who are near perfect but i just couldnt love them as much as they do.. they taught me what is "be love".. i was reali loved and felt very blessed.. but just couldnt accept the fact that i couldnt give them what they deserve frm me.. so i decided to return their heart and bid gdbye..

i've met one person several years ago, who taught me the above 3.. "to love", "be love" and "be in love".. everything was wonderful.. he could understand me like no others.. we could handle each other's ups n downs 100%.. i was a princess when i was with him.. he was my mentor, my best fren and my lover. it was exactly wat i wanted.. except.. it was all too late.. he's a family man and yes i'm a bitch for dating a family man. however, we decided to part ways for his daughter's sake. i came from a broken family n yes i truly understand the feeling of having a broken family. i do not want her to go thru wat i've been thru. the decision was hard.. VERY hard.. but i chose it in the end. hoping it could make up for my sins of going in between a family.

since thn, i've been searching for this feeling again. i've been searching for someone that can make me feel the 3 types of loves again.. for the past 5yrs, it never happened. i can be with someone i like but things just doesnt turn out what i thought it'll be. i guess i was too naive and painted too nice a picture for the word "love". and just when i'm so used to having a "dead" r/s, just when i'm so used to love and not be love, just when i've long forgotten how it feels to be doted on, he came along..

this guy, who got me all in love and thn broke my heart terribly before, whom i've once smiled and cried over before, who i thought i'd never be able to smile because of him ever again, this guy, turned my life ard on a fateful day.. 20th march 2013, a day i'd never forget.. this guy actually came back to me. i couldnt believe i could be in his arms once again and him being in mine.. i couldnt believe he's standing right infront of me once again giving me the warm hug again. and i couldnt believe what i'm hearing from his mouth. i cried to his words.. he hugged me tighter thn before, patting my head like a little girl. at that moment, i felt alive once again. he bought me things i like, things he told me about before, and things i needed due to my sickness. i was surprised even by small little gestures like that. i was very touched.

he made the effort to come al the way to my place in the middle of the night just because we miss one another. he got me my supposedly "dinner" knowing that i'm hungry. he constantly re-assures me on my insecurities as he need to attend some event. and he mentioned 3 sentences which i was dying to hear..

"i'm not gonna leave u alone."
"i dun need u to be supergirl, i need u to be my girl.."
"just open up to me, if u wan us to work it out.."

he wouldnt know how much these 3 sentences meant to me.. i've been acting all strong for so many yrs in order to protect myself.. i've been feeling walked out on so many times before.. and i've always have to hide my true feelings whenever i'm down so i wouldnt "scare" ppl away with my unhappiness. but with 3 short sentences, he assured me to put all these aside.. and today, he actually took the effort to inform me that his phone's gonna die soon so i might not be able to reach him. let me clarify, he's not my bf.. he dun have the need to be there 24/7 for me.. but he did. i was touched. oh and there's a event gg on and he mentioned that if he has known that i am gonna be there, he would have went. u know, it's just all these little things, little thoughts, that's making me falling deeper and deeper each day.

it feels like he is slowly piecing back my tiara back to my head, making me a beautiful princess once again.. it feels like he's slowly piecing back my long shattered heart back together again, making it beat even faster than before. since that fateful day, i've been praying reali hard to daddy JC.. first, i prayed that this is not a dream.. second, i wan daddy JC to show me is this a yes or a no. third, i prayed that we can both trust in each other 101% one fine day. and yes, despite al these overflowing sweetness, we stil couldnt trust each other fully.. it may sound ironic, but it's true. afterall, i've been hurt by him before, and afterall, with my kind of lifestyle with my frens, i've long ago knew that not many guys can trust me.

i will do my best to make this work. however hard it might be, however the ending might be, i just wanna try my best once again. i wanna put in as much effort as he is now. i wanna make him my prince like he's making me a little princess now. and hopefully fairytales can be real too.. "happy ever after" :) i know i'm too old to be talking bout fairytales but hack! i'm a masterpiece by daddy JC and i BELIEVE he will give me a perfect Happy Ever After :)

P/s : each night i dream of a beautiful picture that's worth fighting for :)