:(

had some drinks.. and am getting emo all over again :(
i know i shouldnt.. but let me have a break from all the fake smiles and all the fake happiness can i?

aft days of acting all normal and yo yo frens..
i dun wanna deny that i'm missing u all over again..
i dun wanna hide the fact that i reali miss those days a hell lot..
i dun wanna run away from my own feelings..

our happiness did not last long.. but i reali was happy.
i smiled truly.. i laughed.. i cared.. i was alived..
but onli for a short while..
before u decided to let me be free and hoping i can find my own happiness..

honestly..
ur thoughts.. for me.. they're hurting me..
i dun wanna seek my own happiness..
because i've alr found them..

i've found them.. and lost them..

i blame myself for not being able to contain them..
i blame myself for not appearing on time..
i blame myself for not being able to make u wan me enough..
i'm beginning to hate who i am..


tell me wat can i do.. to have u solely to me?
baby.. i miss u.. :(

Happen to come across a beautiful song which my fren shared..

Lyrics is awesome.. kinda sad.. but still it speaks the language of a broken heart..

somehow.. i'm numb towards love songs.. kinda.. couldnt feel anything.. no longer feel sad, no longer feeling emo.. no longer feel..



i wanna feel my heart once again..
but..
how? :(

再一次感受自己的心跳

好希望能够得到一个紧紧的拥抱。。
好希望能够听到温柔的安慰声。。

好希望，好希望。。
能再一次感受自己的心跳。。

好想你。。

couldnt believe i stil have so much tears aft 5 yrs..
i'm not being emo nemo..
i'm just feeling sad for the 2 person that loved so much..
i'm just feeling angry at the twisted fate they shared..
i'm just.. missing our memories.. :(

i'm sorry.. i should be a strong girl by now..
but i am stil a girl aftall..

it felt like everything just came crushing back on me..
when wil i ever meet someone like u again?
when can i ever love like i've loved again?

ahhhhhhhh tears! stop flowing!!! it's irritating!!! pfft!

I'm utterly disgusted..

Perhaps one day when u finally understand wtf is the word "Love" is all about, than we'll talk. 

Or perhaps tat day will nv come..

Wake up ur bloody idea!

Be a Man and stop acting like a spoilt brat!

How old alr?! 

Whatever words u've told me.

Whatever "goals" u've had. 

They all suddenly just sounded like bullshits to me. 

Dun give me crap about how "wonderful" ur goal is. 

You dunno the word "Cherish", i assure u'll regret it freakin hard some day. 

This is coming frm someone that have been there done that. 

Dun believe? We shall see :)

Pissed off!

NO!

u've nv loved..
u've nv liked..
u've nv even infatuated..

this is bullshit.

Am thankful for everything tat has happened today..

Thank u and You :)

Let me re-live our memory One Last Time..

Went back to everywhere we used to be together..
Relieved all the memories we had..
Be it when we were purely just frens or somewhat more thn frens..
It was a short 1 month plus..
But it was a awesome ride..
You brought my heart way up to the sky and way down into the sea..

I told myself that i'd bury everything after tonight..
So i thought i just wanna re-live the moments we had tgt..
My first stop was summer.. went round n round serangoon trying to find the pub we last met.. and thn to ur void deck.. i stayed there for awhile, read thru all our msges.. and tears couldnt stop flowing at that point of time..
sent out a final "imissu" and sealed the memories..

I'm actually thankful that i had the bad fall which landed me in ur care..
it's dumb and lame.. but i reali was thankful..
it's reali hard to accept that we're all over even thou there isnt a beginning to begin with..
i dunno how to face my own feelings now..

u wan me to move on..
as much as i dun wan to.. i'd do it.. i'd walk away.. i'd leave u alone..
i dun wanna disturb ur life any further..
i dun wan u to have the "i'm holding back" feeling anymore..
i dun wan u to struggle between not hurting me nor her anymore..
one day when i'm finally totally out of ur life as someone special or as a fren.. thn u can focus on ur goal..
to be the gd guy that u wanna be.. for her..

thank u baby.. for once making me ur baby..
thank u baby.. for always being considerate of my feelings..
thank u baby.. for once allowing me to have ur heart..
now.. i return it back to u.. give it to her.. the one u chose..
i dun deserve it..

one of the last thing i wanna do is to give u my blessings.. but since it's ur goal to settle down..
i'm giving it to u now..

all the best honey.. to u and ur love one.. may u both hold each other thru happiness and unhappiness.. may u both overcome trials together as one.. may she be the one for u and like wise..

ir's heart breaking when u wash ur hands off me.. but well.. who am i? like i said. i dun deserve..
perhaps one day if u'd miss me.. let me know..
i'd dig up all these memories and let them live once again..
one last.. i loved u..

when everything becomes nothingness..

gone..


:(

walao.. how many shocks am i suppose to go thru tonight??

Just spotted something that dun reali make sense..
and a fren suddenly pop me funny question that double shocked me..

Just wanna say 2 things to whoever might be reading..

Firstly.. dun ever ever tink of lying to me..
The last thing i'll ever tolerate is lies..

Secondly.. stop stalkin me n gg ard askin ur frens who am i or wat kind of person am i.. u gt a problem? Come talk to me.. stop behaving like a kid! Ur bf has nth to do w me.. if u're that insecure, buy a chain n lock him up!

Omg.. cant believe i'm dealing w this at this age ._. I thot i can brk free frm all these shits aft i grad frm sec sch..



P/s: no matter hw dear u r to me be it ex, lovers, frens or bro/sis.. i'll still not accept a lie frm u.. i dun deserve to be lied to when i come 101% clean w u in all my stuffs.. dun disappoint me..

been doing alot of shopping today to divert myself..met up with kiera for dinner, collected my heels.. source for fren's bday pressies.. settled qad's xmas pressie.. and best loot of the day, my beloved ring :)

kiera said i'm crazy the moment i decided to buy it.. but well.. i reali should pamper myself a little more aint i? after all the shits that happened to me this lousy 2012 / 2013.. i tink i deserve something to reward myself for being a survival.. lol. afterall been eyeing on one for 3yrs alr.. thou not my ideal one.. but still something :)

in 24hr's time.. he'll be back..
should i anticipate his return?
or should i not?

tonnes of misses is crushing on me :( but i dun wanna face the bad news.. sigh..
how i wish.....



i wish upon my lucky star..

My thoughts..

Kinda love this much :)

Perhaps..

Couldnt slp n went thru our msges.. i smiled and thn i cried :(

thinking that perhaps he's alr someone else's now..
Perhaps i no longer is being missed by him now..
Perhaps i'm no longer his baby girl now..
I'm here hugging my teddy wishing it was him..
But perhaps he's hugging her now..
Why am i rubbing salt into my wound?
perhaps a good way to stop feeling the pain is to numb the wound..
And to numb the wound, is to maximise the pain..

I know he's trying his best to minimise my pains..
I know he is trying his best to maximise my happiness before he left..
And i'm truly thankful..
I know i promised not to get emo while he's away..
But i reali cant control my emotions n tears :(

I need a good hug n a good cry :(

my misses for u is killing me :(



p/s: will u miss me if one day i'm gone?

Day 2..

Tried really hard not to tink of anything.. spent my day clearing work's reports and started on my accounting assignment part 1. surprisingly i can construct my own cash budget! ^^ but when it comes to the essay.. i stared blank ._. gave up on the essay part for today and started on my ITM essay.. not bad.. kinda completed more thn 50% of it and am stil at it now.. just kinda need a break from those typings, brainstormings and bullshitting =\..

couldn't hold back anymore..

BABY I MISS U! 

 :(

keep tinking did this silly boy take his meal properly.. did this silly boy gets dragged to do stuffs he doesnt reali wan to.. did this silly boy have enough rest.. is this silly boy stil coughing early in the morning.. wondering how is he now :(

3 more days to go.. how am i gonna endure? :(

 P/s : how i wish i can turn the hands of the clock so that it's monday tomorrow :(

I will nv walk away until..

A beautiful quote from my fren Tata :)

 

Love is when you allow yourself to put aside everything you hear, and everything you see, all the rumors that discourage you mean nothing to you because you know you can put your full trust into that person.

You follow your heart and let no one else control your decisions, you put your heart on the line and open yourself up to that person. You’re willing to give them your all, you make time for them like no other, make them your first priority and nothing less. You do stupid stuff, screw up and try to fix everything, screw it up and try to fix it again to make it all better.

You never give up, endure all the pain and all the mess that your relationship may bring you, but you never leave even though you know at any second they can just walk out of your life in just one snap of your fingers.

Love is beautiful, love can hurt you, love can be a real pain in your life. But when you truly love someone that much, you risk everything ♥ 

 

P/S : til the day u found someone who can truly cherish u.. who can truly take gd care of u.. who can give u the love u truly deserves.. i will never walk away..

Day 1..

Feeling kinda sucky :( kept holding onto my phone in case i missed his calls or text.. but of cos.. it nv happened.. should have expected but just in case.. tried to bury myself in dramas to avoid tinking too much.. ended up the stupid drama is talking about r/s issues arghhhhhhh :( straight away stop it and did something else.. did a reali nice drawing ^^ it's been so long since i last drew.. felt kinda good.. abit disfigured =\ but well.. still-life drawing is al along not my forte watttttt.. can get this standard very gd alr la *self console* i'm actually quite amazed that i actually did something like that.. lol

drew for 3hrs.. now that i'm done.. back to square one again :( took out my bible, made a little prayer that God wil show me some comforting verses.. randomly flip, and came across this message in the book of Jeremiah talking about awaiting for a lost one to return.. hmmmm..... aft reading it, my brain totally hay wired x.x this sentence can be applied to ALOT of things i'm facing now.. i tink i'll need more time to fully understand wat God is trying to say..

had a little chat with qad and kinda throw my heart at her hehe.. she mentioned "u fall until ur brain spoile liao huh? why are u sending him away? if u like him just go for it la!" =\ aft reading wat she said, i was wondering.. why the hell am i backing off? aft a long ding dong with qad, i said if he's single, perhaps i'll go all out.. afterall fighting for my own happiness is wat i always believed in.. well well.. am not gonna get all emo nemo here since i promised not to.. just feeling kinda empty.. =\ guess i'll watch some tv to kill time..

came across a nice song randomly and am loving the lyrics.. just gonna post it here :)

总要在说完再见以后 才开始明白爱多浓..
今晚你想念的人是不是我?

P/s : I miss u so much.... loves.. :(

cant help but to tear for one of our might-be-last conversation :(
knowing that he'll be gone aft tonite.. he'd be someone's :(
i'm still thankful that i was once being missed by him..
i'm still thankful that i had the chance to go thru watever we both have been thru tgt..
thou it's ridiculously short.. but i felt blissful.. at least for awhile..
i dunno how am i gonna handle this 2nd heartbreak..
but i know i'm gonna survive as time goes by..
felt so 无辜 having to be punished for someone's mistakes.. :(
but well.. it takes 2 hands to clap.. it'll be pointless if i force him into something he doesnt wants to..
perhaps we reali wan each other alot.. but without the courage to take the risk and the first leap..
everything goes down to nothing..
tonite.. i just wanna spend some nice and sweet time with him..
perhaps our last moment..
just let me indulge in it just for tonite..
i want to be greedy.. but i cant..
i must stay contented.. 


one day when u felt all alone and have no one to confide in, turn ard.. i'm always there to give u a real good hug..

it was a terrible night for me on 12 Jan 2013 :( initially everything was ok.. had lesson in the day and after that had some drinks with him, JR and qad.. was happily playing COD and drinking and singing and i dunno how the hell i can get drunk in 2 towers.. after which, i had a TERRIBLE fall at the roadside :( face was gone and some scratches on my hand and knee.. front tooth chipped and bleeding like mad.. i couldnt feel the pain as i was reali drunk.. i onli rmb pieces of wat happened.. i rmb me sitting down on the road, spitting out blood.. aft that i rmb me being in JR's van and N was grabbing onto my hands to stop me from moving, while qad was on my legs to clean my wound.. i know i was making alot of noises but i dun rmb if i did cry =\ i tink the pain will be terrible if i wasnt drunk =\ aft that i rmb they were rushing me to some clinic to see a doc.. next scene i rmb is the doc cleaning my wound.. thn we were at his place, 4 of us in the hall, and i was being forced to finish a huge bot of milk =\ milk aft beer.. hmmm not a good taste reali.. thn i felt more awake aft that alr.. the pain starts to kick in and qad cleanse my wound.. i still didnt noe how bad the injury was.. til they left and i went to the washroom.. i nearly fainted aft looking into the mirror =\ and was wondering why the hell am i being left at his place :( with this face.. this state.. omggggg :( the sleepover was nice.. at least he comforted me pretty much.. all the strokes and pats.. felt reali good.. the onli problem i was having is how to face mummy :( and also how do go work and school.. i was suppose to have ITM quiz today which contributes 20% to my final exam grade.. luckily Dr Poh says with valid medical reason i can be exempted and my final exam will weigh 70% instead of 50%.. heng ar! it felt nice spending the night (or rather day) with someone u likes.. seeing him slping soundly was a nice sight :) nv believe i can actually look at him this closely.. was tinking of the first day we met and now.. lol things reali happen unexpectedly.. it felt reali comfy to be hugged to slp by him.. and reali nice when we held hands.. thou he cant rmb lol. but still i felt happy n blissful.. he got the "i wanna dote on him" kinda look on him while he was slping.. at this point.. i gotta agree that he's reali cute.. tsk.. and when he wakes at 4, he ask me to wake him at 4.45 i was asking y ar? he say i need to take my med.. at that point, i melted totally.. no one has ever pay so much attention to my medication.. not even mummy lol.. i noe all of these is just a one time thing.. which wil never happen again.. but stil i'm thankful for being able to feel blissful aft all the shitty wounds..

another thing i gotta be thankful is C.. aft knowing i was injured, he came all the way to fetch me home and cleanse my wound for me and prepared food for me.. i felt touched.. althou our brkup was kinda bad.. he still cared for someone like me.. but i know we can never go back to the past.. too much have happened and we both have changed too much.. today he came over to buy mummy food and attend to my injury as well.. was reali touched.. his granny is in hospital and he have to run ard the hospital, his place, work and now attending to me who is not even his gf.. sigh.. i'm feeling all guilty now.. :(

God.. i'm at a very very lost situation.. please tell me what should i do.. :( and please heal my injuries soon and i pray that there would not be any scar :( i already dun have a pretty face.. pls dun make it worst :(

sigh..

today, i did one of the craziest thing i wil ever do for someone.. i was having a rather tiring week since fri as SC chalet was over the weekend.. had less thn few hours of slp each day, drink everyday, swim, play, laugh.. aft which, monday i had a long n busy day at work, i had my management lessons at nite aft that, phone call with him til 4plus? lol.. tues, i had a long day at work with onli 3hr of slp, end work, met up with ser and my qad for shopping at bugis.. went home at 11plus, did abit of my assignment and waited for him to be home safe (i tried but failed thou) fell aslp at bout 2plus.. wed, again, long day at work, and had accounting class :( reach home, brain dead but stil continued with my assignment til 1plus, texted him for awhile and KO at 2plus.. today, i told myself i wanna catch up with all the rest i needed and have a gd jog aft buying my heels.. ended up.. a bad news broke in.. he face a break up =\ i wasnt reali happy knowing that he's unhappy.. am worried that he'll be sad over it, and drink like no tml.. i understand the pain of break ups.. i noe how much we wanted someone to be there just for us in times like this.. just anyone.. thou i was reali tired, i wanted to just be there for him.. be it talk cock session, drinking session or simply listening to him.. so aft buying my heels, i rushed home, bathed and prepared to go bishan to meet him.. it was a gd chill out night.. Except tat i skipped my dinner and was having a terrible gastric :( but am glad that he isnt in a as bad shape as i thot he would be :) he had a long day.. with less thn 3 hrs of slp, off to wrk and lasted the entire shitty day til now.. kinda heartbreaking thou =\ but well well.. nth i can do except to be there for him.. just hope he will still be motivated to work harder and strive for his own good :) hopefully he'll be ok :) argh.... it's gonna be a shitty day tml :( gotta wake at 6.30 and i'm stil awake! damn!! gotta hit the sack! gdnite my lonely world :')

p/s : 可以做最爱你的朋友，这样就可以了。。希望你幸福。。 晚安 <3 p="p">

apparently he's still not well.. sigh.. worst is i can no longer nag at him..

just hope he can take care of himself.. which i highly doubt.. so just hope the gf wil be sensible enough to do the job..

it's saddening when my concern becomes a bother to ppl i care for.. tsk..

it hurts alot when that sentence was made..

call me petty..

yes i am! when it concerns ppl i cared for especially when it comes to health..

sigh...

ok i shud wash my hands off him alr.. time to stop everything..

onli 1 word to describe my feelings today..

hais............... :(

have u ever fall for someone, declared u likes him.. things were better thn expected.. suddenly overnight, he's attached.. :(

it felt like a billion knife just pierced through my heart..

it was.. terrible..

was expecting his name to flash on my phone the entire day.. keep checking n checking n checking.. of cos.. it nv happen.. missed him terribly much.. thou i was prepared for the outcome.. but i didnt wanna face it.. i noe i have to.. but.. hais :(

how can it hurt so much when i'm alr prepared???

suddenly.. all our CNY plans.. gone.. our drinking session.. gone.. all the beautiful dreams.. gone..

there's someone now.. he no longer needs a listening ear from me.. no longer needs someone to acc him on the phone while travelling.. no longer needs someone to share his happiness with.. it's time i take my leave..

there's a thousand million words i wanna say to him.. a thousand million emotions is overwhelming within me.. but there's nothing i can do now..

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh i need a gd loud cry :(