Melody of my Life..

i think this is seriously not wat i deserve after 5days of not meeting yet not complaining.. and best is, tml he cant acc me as well.. when i say i wanted to watch the comp at suntec.. he say he cant cos he got proj.. and he even say things like "watch before already wat" but tink.. it's MY crew! how can i nt supportiung them? if fuyo goes for comp.. wil u go and support even thout u watch it like 90733456789987654times?!!? i didnt wanna say anythin thou i was feeling damn yucky about it..

i acc him while day today..forcing myself out of bed, rushing my way down to SMU to juz to be a idiot and sit there and do nothing.. nvm.. it's stil ok.. since i wanted to see him as well.. after the show, thot i could treat him to a movie, have a nice dinner tgt since we have not spend time with each other for such a long time..

wanted to juz spend some time with him.. listening to his complains on his proj and him listening to my complains of my sch work.. knowing that he had been very tired and stress out recently, i juz wanted to spend some time with him, being in our own world.. but now i dun even noe whether we have our world.. or are we reali in 2 different worlds..

instead of al the nice plans i wan, he chose to go to esplanade and break.. ok fine.. i juz acc him as long as he's happy.. when there, we talk less thn 10 sentences.. i was sitting there al alone.. at times got jarel they al to acc me talk cock.. if not, thn i'll be spending my precious time and energy on my hp game "snake".. or i'll be sitting there at a corner like a idiot out of no where seeing them break..

when i was fucking bored, i wanted to break abit.. and i guess i made the wrong dicision.. ya i'm too weak for breaking.. i shud have juz sit there and shut my bloody mouth up instead of learning wat bloody shoulder freeze.. but thn i juz wanna learn more!! cant i?! i juz need encouragement.. i need support.. if u dun wan to teach me, so be it.. dun have to pull my morale down by saying things like "no nid to learn shoulder freeze la.." "baby freeze is nicer.." "dun nid to learn when others also noe la" WTF?!?! tat's my reaction.. yes.. what the fuck!

my bf here.. is telling me things which is pulling my morale lower and lower.. and best is he's a instructor! a bloody instructor for heaven's sake! how can a instructor not encouraging a student? how can a instructor telling his student to give up ba?! i noe i'm weak la.. but at least say things that i can do to improve rite?! why muz he ask me to "dun learn shoulder freeze"???

is this one of the reason why he buy me the phone? for me to play games with, listen to songs, keep myself entertain when he's not ard? if that's the case.. i'll not use this phone.. cos i dun wan hp to be my bf!!!! i seriously dunno i'm in a r/s with my hp, my classmates or with him.. i seriously dunno..

if things are gonna be like this.. i rather not be with him.. its not that i dun love him or my love for him has faded.. but it juz turns me off with al these no time for each other.. tink about it.. before we were tgt, we spend so much more time tgt thn now! i noe he has proj.. but it's abit too much for wat happen today rite?! putting me aside and break al he wans.. is it true that it's confirm always sweeter before u get into a r/s?

and this reminds me of this episode in sex and the city.. Carrie is with Alec.. before they were tgt, alec spend almost all his time on her.. everytime she needs him, he'll be there for sure! but when they got tgt, alec is always asking carrie to acc him.. yes.. he's stil as sweet.. he's stil as nice as a bf.. giving her money, gifts, everything! but not time.. there's seriously nothing wrong with asking ur gf to acc u.. but thn not when u have no time for her rite?

one day, carrie was ask to go to a museum opening with alec.. alec begged her to.. ok she went.. cos she didnt wan alec to be sad.. yet.. when there.. alec left her al alone on a bench.. ALL ALONE! how sad can that be? carrie was hurt.. she chose to break with alec.. she said this when she break with him..

"i need love.. overwhelming love.. love that we cant live without.. i need a lover whom i cant live without.. i need a lover who cant live without me.. not someone who gives me wealth and not his time!"

and yes i truly agree.. i believe this is the sentence within every girl's heart.. i HATE loneliness.. but i'm willing to be lonely for him today.. juz to see him happy.. but it juz went abit over when it comes to the attitude i receive.. this sentence wil stay in my mind forever even thou it might not mean anythin big.. "u wan me to teach ornt? if u dun wan thn i go back to break liao" i will remember it..

being liddat juz makes me feel that he has a gf.. but i do not have a bf.. get wat i mean? when he felt lonely, he sms me i wil juz be there for him.. but when i'm lonely.. i sms him.. when he's busy.. i'll get ignored or late replies.. this 5 days of not meeting up.. at nite.. when he's done with his proj.. i thot we could spend time online.. but no.. dota is al he do.. DOTA DOTA AND DOTA! fuck that bloody cheebye dota!

i didnt wanna complain cos i noe he's stress.. maybe i shud give him space and time to relax.. but thn doesnt he noe wat is ZHI DONG?! automatic? not acc ur gf in the day physically.. and not acc ur gf at nite emotionally.. he dota.. i had no choice but to dl LOTS of videos to watch to keep myself entertained.. i wonder my bf is my HP, my video or him.. damn it! maybe i'm being unreasonable here.. but i need love L-O-V-E not money.. not all the "i love u" "i miss u" "muacks" watever!

i need love! companion.. is the word.. i seriously am damn damn disappointed and sad today.. now i wonder.. do i reali have a bf? iko.. are u SURE u have a BOYFRIEND?!?! u're always alone! finding ppl to acc u everyday.. finding andy, liyi, emi.. "how come ur bf nv acc u one?" these is what many had asked me this few days.. and me asking myself.. hais.. i reali dunno la.. call me stubborn.. call me unreasonable.. call me dumb or call me a fucker.. i dun care..

i wanted to share my happiness of patching things up with sisi.. i wanted to tell him how happy i am having meeting fei er today.. wanted to end my day in my mind thinking "how should VIP have a gathering?" wanted to think of "how am i gonna patch things up with clover?" wanted to plan alot alot alot of happy things.. but i'm not in the mood..

bring me back to those days..
if this carries on..
things wil fall apart..
it's now.. or never..
can someone juz stop al these fucking bullshits?!
cheebye =(