Melody of my Life..

felt sucky after the conversation with him.. maybe i am not mature enuff.. yea.. i am not sensitive enuff.. i cant remember things like "it's our 50th day tgt" i cant remember things like "we watch this tgt last yr which day what time".. i am sensitive but not to the extend of every single tiny details..

maybe i'm not a gd gf for him.. and i cant be one.. for now at least.. i cant be.. maybe 7yrs ago i can.. i can even tell u the whole thing every single detail.. but as i grow older, things change.. i cant remember tiny details.. i wonder is it my wrong..

juz watch sex and the city.. one part is about this.. this girl is 30+ yr old and she seeks sex in a r/s.. i mean not onli sex but she needs sex in a r/s.. but her guy cannot have sex due to some extreme lame reasons.. thn she say this "how i wish i was 13 again.. back to those days where i wil get satisfied juz by holding hands, hugs and gd nite kiss"

from this i get the point that.. when i was younger, i dun ask for this much.. or maybe when i was younger, my expectation in love is different from now.. when i was younger, al i need is love, care, sweet talks, attentions.. and i overly need them.. and i was the kind of gf that wil remember everything.. over sensitive i was scolded by my ex..

so i change.. now.. i'm no longer as sensitive.. no longer as emo.. no longer as posessive.. but thn i wan something else.. last time, if my bf is the kind that il scold me, slap me or even beat me up, i wil stil love him and stay with him.. being a extreme faithful gf.. but nw.. i realise as long as a guy juz raise his voice a lil bit, i wil get very mad.. i cant stand guys being that way.. it's juz so damn ungentlemanly..

i need a ultimate gentleman.. this is wat i noe.. maybe i need time to grow.. i need time to understand him.. i'm childish i noe.. and my temper i cannot control.. my temper is famous for being bad.. and my attitude is famous for being bad as well.. i tried changin but failed.. i dunno how long he can tahan me.. but i juz cant change.. it's not easy.. it's juz me.. and i dun wish to change..

i feel i'm not a gd gf.. to him at least.. i feel that i wil ask much more from him.. and may nt be able to give as much.. =\ like i've said.. i've changed.. no longer the everyday 24hr sweet xinwei.. but now the happy go lucky in another way bochup iko.. the names makes big difference.. xinwei means happy.. it's a very sweet name cos of the wei.. it means rose.. and the meaning is juz very sweet and soft.. but iko which is ryuiko.. which means strong and onli one.. it boost my pride so much more..

makng me more attitude, and more independent.. a stronger me.. i do live up to my name dun i? =) but i guess the girl he needs is xinwei.. not iko.. =( i seriously think that way when he said some stuffs on the kinda girls he is used to.. well.. talk to my "guardian angel" lol micheal name himself that.. -.- watever! he actually do knock some sense into me la..

ok i wil listen to him.. and hope things turn for the better.. time is wat we need.. he say i'm smart but i'm avoiding things.. well.. maybe.. when one gets too sick and tired of somethings, we juz dun like to tink or talk about it.. it kills brain cells.. and alot of my brain cells are destroyed by the stupid sun ytd -.- my angel gave me these words.. "losing ur pride to the one u love is better thn losing ur love to ur pride" i noe la! but thn.. hurr it's me me me me me me! HOW?!?!

angel awhile say i muz be me no matter wat.. dun let him change me.. thn awhile say i needa minus my pride.. wth he wan?!?! if minus thn wont be me le wat.. rahh! nabei la.. now i noe why ppl hate r/s.. =( it's sweet and bitter as well.. sian! i wanna go back to when i was 11.. =( those no quarrel and purely sweet r/s.. hais.. kill me bahh.. tink i wil reward anyone if they kill me now =(

maybe i'm in the wrong.. but i need more enlightenment.. stil cant get it where i'm wrong at.. ppl always say "in a r/s.. there's no one person at fault.." now i noe his fault is losing his cool over small stupid things.. and wat's mine? being too playful? like to joke too much w/o realising it's not the time for joke? omg.. kill me..

may someone juz appear in my dream and enlighten me.. gorgor.. wil u be the one? teach me pls.. or god.. can u? hais.. terribly in need of words.. words of wisdom.. =(

maybe i'm too childish..
but i dun wanna grow up so fast!
i dun wanna accept the reality..
i dun wanna face the cruel world now =(