mum: are u very sad?
me: no la i'm fine =)
mum keeps staring at me
me: wat?!?!
mum: i'm sure u're not fine.. wat happen?
me: nothing la.. haha
mum: quarrel with him ar?
me: no la.. break up haha!
mum : HUH?!?! when?!
me: ytd..
mum: i thot u were very happy ytd?
me: ya la.. dance win ma..
mum: but how come break?
me: to him i'm juz a little girl stil in her rebellious days.. he hates me for who i am.. (i tell her the whole story)
mum: aiyo.. when both cool down le thn talk again?
me: talk wat? nothin to talk le.. he made it sound that i'm so useless, so lousy.. why do i have to make him noe that i'm wonderful and a perfect person?
mum: i tink u're stil very angry.. instead of sad =\
me: i AM angry!!! u noe how the fuck he say things ornt?! need to be so cruel as a bf meh?!?! hello.. i'm his gf lei.. not a enemy or his student lei.. not even a fren.. i'm a bloody GIRLFRIEND!!!
mum : ... u go bathe thn rest first ba ...
my mum was shock why i behave liddat.. because i reali am angry and hurt.. not angry and hurt cos he left me.. but angry at HOW he put the message across.. do he have to make me sound like a ultimate bitch? am i tat lousy? "STUCK UP" i wont forget this word.. and wat nonsense is he trying to tell me by saying a whole big chuk of words here?
its.. the only way i had to do it... to make u stop loving mi and hate mi.. we cannot keep tryin over and over again.. we'l just keep hurting ourselves every week/month/year.. we love each other alot, and we'l sometimes blinded by it to try again, give it another chance.. i honestly frankly truthfully still love u alot, but this is the only way to make u happy in the future, to break off and hate me, and find someone truly worthy of u.. i m tired with so much work, so much committements.. i cannot give u wat u need... u need someone so much better than mi... its crap. its bull. its nonsense. but its the truth. i don care even if u hate mi and never tok to mi again at least i'm gone form ur life. love, is not about being happy together... its about sacrifice and seeing the ones u love being happy.. i tried, 2 weeks ago, to put things away nicely... and its my own mistake to sugar it up and say we need a 2nd chance... it only led ourselves to beleive in fairy tales..
by this chunk of words.. it's juz plainly showing that he's the one giving up NOT ME.. when he said "u're the one giving up so easily???" the last time we almost broke up.. so what does it tells here? and wat is it that he wan me to hate him? tat makes me happy?!?! i ask everyone reading here a question la.. do u feel happy when u hate the one u love? or rather.. do u even feel happy juz by hating ppl? if ur answer is yes.. thn sorry i'm not same as u.. i HATE to HATE.. seriously.. and wat is it about "at least i'm gone from ur life?" do u reali tink by making u hate me, by breaking up liddat in a fucking ugly way, u'll be gone? u're juz leaving a deeper scar in me.. and for ur info.. it's a scar.. and scar stays for life.. "love is about sacrifice and seeing the one u love happy.." wtf?! so u mean by losing the one i love on one of my happiest day in such a ugly way is me being happy?!?! in fact losing the one i love is already nothing to be happy about.. by saying things liddat are plainly being selfish.. u're juz making it a painful memory even if i were to find a perfect guy next time.. u're juz like any of my ex now leaving bad memories.. and lik u remnding me of my ex, one day i wil get reminded of my ex which includes u again and u tink i wil be happy?! why do he always love to assume? even til break up stil assuming?! he assumes i'll be happier if we break up?! he assumes i wil hate him if these things happen? yes true i wil hate u.. but for ur info.. to love and to hate at the same time, u're plainly making me suffer much more! where got a r/s goes damn smoothly one? which married couples never faced break ups during their dating periods? it's juz the determination and will to make to work or not.. the power of the love is stronger thn anythin and can overcome almost anything.. it juz takes time.. but he himself aint giving anytime.. he himself chose to give up and end it even before we can even prove it.. juz a bloody 4months and u're telling me "it's not gonna work"? juz faced 2 previous break ups and u cant take it anymore? thn DUN say u love me la.. when u cant take al thee small small things.. what are al the "i love u" for?!
i tink i said enuff.. dun wish to say anymore before other readers tinks i'm trying to make him look ugly or make myself looks pity... dun misunderstand.. he's a nice guy.. at least til before ytd.. i never imagined him to be so selfish in his thinkings and such a monster to say such nasty stuffs.. he had always been a gentleman.. a fun guy.. a lame guy.. a loving guy.. but til ytd.. everythin suddenly change.. he said he lost it ytd.. why? cos he stress? and vent on me?! hello~ wat to do? i can juz accept the fact that the guy i knew wasnt the guy now anymore.. since he can hate me so much with juz one nite, wat's the point of even tinking about say sorry and patch things up? wat's the point of me reflecting on my personality? wat's the point of me finding my own mistakes? wat's the point of my frens asking me "wil u accept him again?" wat's the point of mummy telling me to "wait for him to finish his studies lo maybe he can tink better" it al no point when a monster came out of him so suddenly.. i was shocked.. more thn shocked.. traumatised!
this hurt i've always been talking about is NOT the breaking up.. is not losing him.. ya these hurts too.. but since it's a no choice thing it's ok.. but the hurt here is the monster that spoke to me ytd.. the painful words pierced thru my heart directly.. without any hesitations.. words of anger? haha.. so wat?! it's stil something from the bottom of his heart anyway.. since he dunno how to make it sound nicer to pass to his own gf.. thn wat can i do? plainly hurt..
the song by nicky lee.. title Zai Jian.. beautiful lyrics..
when u chose to let me be happy..
have u ever thot "wat'll make me happy?"
not by losing the one i love..
not by losing the guy i even noe to become a monster
not by hearing al the fucking hurtful things from the one i love
not by hurting me on my special day
not by making me hate u
why are u stil so kiddish in ur thinking?!
wil u grow up too?
doin al these kinda stuff which my ex had done them like empteen times?
i'm damn used to it but it's juz making me feel like laughing..
pain felt deep..