Melody of my Life..

didnt go sch again.. hais.. anyway, i've set the "password" column before u al enter my blog.. but it's not exactly a password it's there cos i wan u al to promise u al wil keep cool even if it's against u.. my tag board is for u to leave a msg.. not to fight for ur rights or try to create trouble.. anyone that tries to create trouble, i wil block the IP address.. so no point trying to argue with me.. there's something call MSN for u to come and confront me and scold me al u wan if u wan.. not on my tagboards..

back to my stuff.. was having a terrible nite ytd.. =\ initially lie down, close my eyes.. rest.. suddenly flashbacks made me felt like shit.. i teared.. thn suddenly i started to tink about my life.. my family.. my frens.. and i ask god.. why am i brought to this world?" why do god create me when he doesnt give me a gd life? compared to many others, i'm suay enuff.. i dun have perfect family.. yes i do have a house.. but it's a house not a home.. it's juz a empty no feeling house..

i dun have perfect frens.. ya i admit there are a few frens i'm lucky to have.. but overall.. who's true? even some ppl i hang out with very often doesnt seem true.. or rather i shud say.. doesnt understand me at all.. why? i'm not gd in dance either.. have been hanging in this industry for 4 bloody years.. and i'ms til where i am.. others would have been far away from where they started.. i dun have gd financial backgroud to go for lessons.. i am not talented to be able to dance on my own.. i was lucky til i met lush and had VIP..

no nid to say.. my love life.. looking back at it.. it's pure SHIT.. when do i felt love? once or twice out of 14? i've dumped 7guys in my life.. and got dumped 7 times in return.. wil the next one be the right one? or at least a mutual dumped? =\ i reali dunno wat is this love life that i'm having.. why am i pulling myself down cos of al these nonsense? why shud i even be involve in love? wat is love? it dun buy me food.. it dun make me a better dancer.. worst of al, it dun bring me happiness for long.. in fact it brought me much more sadness and break me down thn brought me happiness..

my studies.. i aint in a gd sch.. i aint in a normal poly where our cert wil be recognised by everyone.. i dun have a normal "cca" i cant dance like i expected when i dreamt of being in poly.. i dreamt that i'm a NYP student being in FB.. but no.. i'm a Rp student being in ig.. and a messed up ig.. i'm not blaming anyone but the higher authorities for this.. wat's with al the stupid rules? wat's with al the "future view" for us when u dun even wan to help as much? they're juz leaving everything to us and yet not accepting wat we proposed.. wat's the use??

why is my life liddat? i did not even lead a normal life like any others.. i had police records.. probation records.. 3yrs of my life is taken away.. without freedom.. without love.. facing al the sentence al alone.. i have a broken family since the age of 11.. felt al alone since thn.. walked the wrong path since 11yrs old and was lead astray.. pon sch, didnt go home, smoke, drink, rob, fight.. al these ive done them.. but why? i dun wan to.. but it juz came into my life.. i was a ah lian.. i admit.. but do i have a choice? life's been set liddat for me..

at that point of time, do i noe wat is ah lian? i dun.. i onli noe.. since no one loves me or cares for me at home or in sch, i shall turn to my frens who treats me as a sister.. follow wat they do.. at the age of 11 i have no idea wat's right and wrong.. didnt noe al the consequences.. and yet i'm punish for them.. why do i have to lead such a tiring life? seeking for love, seeking for acceptance, seeking for happiness..

my church.. it gave me a shelter in the heart for awhile.. til my police case was announced.. everyone may seems like they cared and willing to help us so much.. but within their hearts, they despise us.. look down on us and dun even wanna hang out with us.. lunch time, were left alone.. parents stop their child from hanging out with us.. no one calls us down for service or youth meetings anymore.. so wat is this "we wil be there for u" thing about? god taught us to love and forgive.. to accept everyone because everyoe is his precious masterpiece, his precious child, his precious creation.. but why do everyone rejects me?

i've never felt any acceptance in my entire life maybe onli from clover.. when i say acceptance i mean full acceptance.. they were the ones accepting my flaws and helped me to remove them patiently.. they were ones there for me even when i'm down.. they helped me thru many difficult times.. they did not scold me.. instead, they talk to me patiently made me understand even when they themselves are gettin frustrated with a lousy fren like me.. but stil.. i've lost them..

so why do god create me when he doesnt intend to give me a gd life? i dun ask for much.. juz ask for a easier way to live? ask for acceptance from ppl? i dun need the whole world to accept me.. but at least those ard me? i wish no one made use of me anymore? i wish i have frens who're patient enuff to help this stubborn girl understand things in life? i wish for a slightly better life.. juz the acceptance.. why am i born? why am i created? since i dun have nice gd life, why cant he give me a nice personality? a gentle heart, a gentle person? i dun have any gd things in life.. so why am i here???

gettin emo al over evrything in life.. hais.. life.. love.. frens.. family.. i have none other thn this empty life.. guess i'll juz live this life away.. let it juz fade and be gone one day.. no point trying to work so hardfor everyone to accept me and wish for ppl to help me when i myself dunno how to help myself.. argh fuck this life of mine..