Melody of my Life..

it's funny how after a smoke i wanted to change the song on my win player and realise that it was the song Beautiful by CHC singers and i choose to hear it while hitting a few keys here :)

okeis anyways, am feeling a little bit on the down side today =\ but afterall i'm fine i guess.. was quite shocking to see him and i seriously dunno why my heartbeat stopped for at least 3 seconds when i saw him. i was totally frozen for 3secs and after that my heartbeat raced like mad =\ i swear i dunno why =\ kinda hmm i would say it's terrible feeling. for a moment i thot i was dying lol =\ anyway nice seeing him early in the morning :) went home at bout 11plus in the morning after tonning at XG ytd with qin ai de, max, fly and randy.

Qin ai de came over to my place to slp cos today's Andy's wedding chalet too so we planned to head straight there after a short rest at my place. but i guess things turned out kinda bad =\ Qin ai de found out some stuffs which were not supposed to be known. it wasnt any wrongdoings i swear but still i noe it'll hurt her. sigh~ i shudnt have that silly idea that time :( she told me she gotta head home cos some stuff happened and when she left she texted me thn i noe bout it. oh well.. at least we got it settled :) this is the first time ever, i was SO DAMN afriad of losing someone dear to me =\ tears gushed out when we were texting one another. it was a white lie but i guess if i were in her spot i will feel equally bad as well ba *i'm so sorry* i ever lost few dear ones in the past and it changed my life entirely. that time, i dun even have the chance to experience the feeling of Fear of losing. it happened all too fast. guess we were too young to even talk bout it back thn. but oh well.. this time i'm thankful that qin ai de could cool her head off and we managed to have a little chat and cleared the misunderstanding. i felt totally drained after that D: it's like.. after a big war? *terrible*

after that on the way to XG to meet the guys to head over to Andy's chalet, i suddenly had this thought.. "lotsa things are happening with XR now and all of us are cracking our brains and reali trying to help one another. but it didnt drained me at all.. but this incident with Qin ai de reali killed me totally.. i felt totally drained." I guess i reali cant lose any of my dear ones anymore =\ the incidents with XRs i see the unity within us, the loyal friends helping one another worrying for one another.. checking on one another everyday to make sure all is safe.. it reali touched me alot :) i'm thankful i'm part of them :) seriously alot of people might wanna bring XR down.. let me tell u ppl.. XRs are standing strong and wil never fall.. and do not judge us by stereotyping pls.. XRs are nice ppl loyal friends who'll never throw anyone to die. take time to understand us well and u'll realise it :) after reachin XG we cabbed down to changi for Andy's chalet.. well nothing much there.. just had dinner there and they gambled abit and that's all for the day :) Congrats to Andy and Caroline on their Big Day! *God's blessings befalls them for life!* ^^

after that just head home while the guys head to XG for few rounds of dota lol~ well was feeling kinda lonely which i dunno why either.. tsk =\ and this i also realised that loneliness isnt about whether you have company ornt.. it's all within the heart. You can have a BIG bunch of frens with u physically but when ur heart is empty, loneliness stil conquers over.. kinda scary but it's true :( when home, audi for awhile and chatted with Joel and Maine for quite abit haha. details shall not be mentioned =p it's a girl's gossip! so shhh~ tsk~ after that dota-ed for 2 rounds and 1st was with Haru korkor with public players :( my first game out and i'm so gg-ed x.x ok first game.. wat u expect >=( after that loost joined me n korkor for AI session =x i'd call it raping the AIs haha =x everytime i high-ing thn gg alr. sian ._. the disadvantage of being a DR ehh :( well that's how my day ended.. started badly, proceeded lonely and ended in peace. so i guess i'll rate it an average day? haha~

hmm a little update bout my emotional world now.. i'm in a very very confused state seriously =\ A are telling me these and B are telling another.. while C seems to be there for me everytime i'm down. grrr! i'm fighting against myself :( i wan to stop all these but i tink i failed.. read somewhere on someone's blog and happen to see this sentence that hit a little bit on my head.. it says "i'm just forcing myself to give up.. why should i make myself suffer?" i kinda think that to give up, is not a choice made by the head.. it can onli be a choice when you heart tells u that it had already given up. and we cant control our heart at all.. thus this is quite a bad news eh? :( for these past few weeks or a month? i've been forcing myself to give up so damn much.. being emo, being down, acting strong and as if nth ever happened. misses but dare not contact.. bought vday choc for him yet have no courage to give it to him. sigh~ i'm reali rottenly rotten :( it hurts u noe? to force ur heart to stop loving someone.. it reali do.. but thn.. to stop loving is another way of loving the person isnt it? hais~ matters of the heart is murdering me slowly day by day :(

anyway 2 more days to my job at MBS lets hope i could get so busy (but not stress) and have no time to even tink bout these ba =\ someone told me he might be jealous that's why he's acting strange too.. i duno? i reali dun~ watever it is.. i'm leaving it to fate ba :) as for now, i choose to wait for the miracle that might or might not happen :) no harm waiting? :) be it virtually or RL i'm waiting :) hoping everything could turn out fine :) but these days it seems we've been talking in RL alot more :) but of cos virtually and mobilly alot lesser :( but oh well.. nothing i can do yea? i'm glad we could stil be friends after watever that happened.

p/s: i need to sort out my feelings too. i totally dun understand wat is going on anymore. i'm lost reali reali lost :( i need a shoulder to lie on i need a hug to comfort me i need to cry my lungs out. i need to.. wat's going on in ur head my dear? wat exactly is going on? :(

i reali miss u alot. :(