Melody of my Life..

it's terrible when you try ur best (or u thot u try ur best) and yet stil make so many mistakes.. =\ lush practise today for me, wasnt as gd as sunday.. sunday, when something is taught, i can get them.. but today.. i can get none.. =\ even the last part of the first song i'm stil very fresh to it =( left 2 more practise to the actual thing.. what am i suppose to do? =(

i feel that i shouldnt have joined chingay =\ i dun wanna pull them down! after the woodlands incident.. i reali dun wanna pull them down again.. i noe i'm not a gd dancer.. what do i have? no skill, no technique.. on this pathetic passion.. this pathetic huge passion but cant do anythin much bout it.. it's not i dun wan.. but come on.. i dun have the finance to go for lessons..

i dun have the right ppl to practise with me.. ya true.. i got lush.. but their standards are already like up in the sky while i'm like flat down on ground.. if they were to spend so much time practising with me, they're not gonna improve.. i dun wan them to stay stagnant as well.. they're al very nice ppl.. they care.. they wan the best for us, for me as well.. *i'm lucky.. very very lucky**

sometimes i even wonder.. is it wrong of me to even join lush? =\ i mean.. from the beginning, their style is already soooo different from VIP.. i've never dance that kinda style in my whole lifetime.. and many ppl say "huh why u chinese go join malay crew? dun feel outcast meh?" (i'm not trying to be racist yea? if not i wont join lush =)

ya true.. indeed sometimes i feel i have no stand in lush.. sometimes i feel i'm not even the crew member.. but.. i enjoy the frenship.. i enjoy the feeling of dancing with confident ppl like them.. so wat if i am outcast? as long as i can dance.. as long as the frenship indeed is there.. wat else can i ask for more? and ALL of them are nice ppl.. nice and humble.. where can u find such nice ppl yet great dancers?

i'm truly thankful.. that's y i keep telling myself to be better.. imrpveo, improve and improve as much and as fast as i can.. so i can catch up with the pace of the crew and not pull them down.. i dun wanna let yutaki down as well.. and most imptly, my mum and myself.. mummy forbids me to dance.. cos of my injury.. doctor says "if u're gonna continue dancing, u're gonna risk being a paralyse for the rest of ur life.." but.. if u wanna stop me from dancing, i rather die..

that's wat i told mummy as well.. and i promise her i wil make it big one day.. maybe not to the extend of BIG BIG BIG.. but at least, a professional dancer? no nid to be very famous but at least a pro? but now where am i? this FAR FAR distance from my dream and my promises.. =( i've been spending 4yrs of my 19yrs of life dancing.. i dun wanna let them go down the drain.. al the sweat, tears, anger..

when on the verge of giving up and telling tapa that "i dun wanna join chingay.. and maybe i'll leave lush", dee came and reminded me things which i had always been telling others.. i reali wanted to give up.. i thot to myself "why cant i juz be a normal human? why muz i pursue this line which needs so much time and effort and get hurt like mad.. this painful road?" but thn dee said this "when the person criticise u, convert the anger into ur dance.. the more the person brings u down.. prove to him that u can be better!"

this is reali a big knock on the head for me.. thankfully for dee and mel that i'm not totally broken down now.. you noe.. it feels real gd.. when great dancers like dee and tapa say "my dancers.." (referring to me la..) tapa said "i like my girls to keep long hair.." and dee said "i dun wan my dancers to have low esteem".. i'm happy they care.. it did confort me somehow.. but i tink i need some self reflection.. i need to train more.. more more and much more..

i keep telling myself "iko if u're gonna give up now.. u're a loser.." cos i tink about ppl like Boa who train everyday mini 13hours.. i tink about ppl like lush who went thru much more shits.. i even tink about yutaki who said that himself was a lousy dancer and it took him lots of effort to be where he is today.. these moved me on..

i juz wish i'm more daring, have more self confidence and open up more.. =\ i'm known as a super no confident girll. my upbringing has nothing to do with exotic/expressive performance.. all i need to do when i was young was to sit infront of the piano and drop my fingers on them.. i dun have to carry any expression on my face nor do i need to care about my body language.. i have so much more to learn.. and i dun have the time! =(

i promise i'll be a gd dancer.. not on skill wise but on mental wise.. i respect dance and i wil give my best to it.. whether ornt i can attain those skills and techniques, reali depends on what God plans for me.. but i'll never give up dancing and i'll do my best.. i thank everyone who cared today and encouraged me.. i thank everyone who came in my life and left a mark there so can move me on.. i truly thanks the ppl who have spend time on me helping me to be better..

i noe kim meant well and i noe he's stress as the dates are coming near.. and of cos i noe everyone's rather worried bout me cos i'm not strong in dancing.. but give me time and chance wil u? i'm slowly improving.. or rather i try to improve.. al i need is time.. and chance.. will try my very best not to let lush or anyone down.. wil try my best to not pull lush down.. and most imptly will try my best to the a gd dancer..

i've wasted so much time being a slacker..
i aint gonna let it happen again..
the road is painful..
but the fruit wil be sweetest ever..
i have no talent but i have the passion and harwork..
i wil make it one day..