Did this test which my fren send me.. i'm juz being truthful when i answer them and the purple lines are the comments from myself to the analysis..

You are a person who is keeping things to yourself.
yes.. very true..

Any friends that came along, you will accept and trust them completely.
yes.. cos i tink it's tiring to have doubts..

What you want in your life is half fullfilled.
huh.. wat do i wan in my life? =\ i dunno.. love? dance? frens? family? half fulfilled? i guess not even abit..

You are weak in your life and tends to be fragile.
ya i am fragile.. very.. that's y i have to protect myself with walls which no one can climbs..

You have an average sex drive.
i tink i dun even have any.. remember one test i took "you're a dead fish".. i'm not shy of it.. it's ok.. i rather not having sex in my entire life.. what's so gd about them.. yuck

You have a few good friends in your life.
ya.. used to have alot.. but oh well..

Your last relationship is good and it's still fresh in your heart.
oh with K? yea it was a gd one.. no nice ending but it isnt fresh la. juz that memories can never be forgotten.. especially when u gave ur all.. yet in exchange gotten bruised al over..

Even when your partner is around you, you will flirt around with others.
i heard about this.. i ask zw they al whether am i considered flirting.. cos i always hang out with them.. they say abit la.. but i can say i dunno it.. and i dun tink it's flirting

You get a high ego.
ya very true

A humble personality is in you.
i dunno is it considered humble or no confidence.. but ya i got no confidence and i guess thus i have to be humble..

You get average bond with your friends.
?? i dun understand this anyway.. juz noe that me and my frens dun have unhappy bonds..

Your partner is pure and good in your heart.
good yes.. pure.. abit no.. a pure person dun pursues things which he is pursuing.. i pure person wont complain as much.. a pure person is neutral..

Your partner is a very homely and humble person.
homely yes.. humble abit.. he had reach the age of being a homely guy.. humble? at times.. when he sees something reali impressive he'll be humble to praise them if not.. he'll go "it's F up" again..

You will go to your friends whenever you are met with problems.
yes.. this is truer thn the truths of the world.. friends are closer to me thn my family and even my bf.. i dunno why but yes.. this is me..

the best song that describes my feelings now.. a christian song.. but seriously nice..

Jaci Velasquez - lay it down

I’ve been looking ‘til my eyes are tired of looking
Listening ‘til my ears are numb from listening
Praying ‘til my knees are sore from kneeling
On the bedroom floor

I know that You know that my heart is aching
I’m running out of tears and my will is breaking
I don’t think that I can carry
The burden of it anymore

All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are slowly slipping through my folded hands

Chorus
So I’m gonna lay it down
I’m gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do
Everything I am depends on You

And if the sun don’t come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I’m gonna let it be, I’m gonna let it go
I’m gonna lay it down

I’ve been walking through this world like I’m barely living
Buried in the doubt of this hole I’ve been digging
But You’re pulling me out and I’m finally breathing
In the open air

This room may be dark but I’m finally seeing
There’s a new ray of hope and now I’m believing
That the past is the past and the future’s beginning to look brighter now

'Cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

-God pls help me.. show me what is it installed for me..-
-i will rest in you God..-
-i need a break..-
-life has been too hype for me..-

it's sad to be in the state where u love that person but yet have to choose other path and not be happily in love with him.. i've read alot of stuff in his blog.. it's nobody's fault.. but juz we're not meant to be.. we're too different.. lost for words.. lost in my world.. i'm tired of everything.. i'm lonely too..

OMGOMGOMG~

i'm so proud of LUSH and of cos myself ^^ we got into the finals for chingay pulse comp!! XD i can onli say the show was GREAT!! i felt so good onstage ar til my facial expression went wild lol! first time sia! and i reali didnt have the "what's the next step" kinda mentality running in my head i juz go with the music lol! fun la!!! but i bang into umsha and zairee lol =X sorry ar! =p but overall was gd la.. got video can go watch =D

i juz felt so great.. the moment before we went into the entrance, we prayed.. to our own individual god la.. i felt so united at that point of time.. everyone holding one another praying, thou in different language and in different religion.. but it's the heart that counts la.. and i was abit nervous but when some of them say "we gotta prove to the public and to P***** that lush is not lousy" and suddenly SOMEONE's face came straight into my mind..

the one who always tinks i'm lousy be it he/she's jealous or watever.. u didnt get in LALALA~ BIG FAT ORBI to u =p i'm so damn happy la.. in my mind thru out the item was "i must prove to ppl i can dance!" lol~ and i'm glad i didnt do badly whee~

and and and! mummy came wor!! lol~ after dancing for 4 bloody years she FINALLY see me dance le -.- i'm damn happy la.. ^^ and dearie came also ^^ wahh~ tink today's one of the happiest day in my life.. provided my muscle dun ache la i'll be much happier -.- lol~ pain la! my ankle overstretched and my thigh over used lol~ back also macam rock liddat pain la!

but it's al worth it ^^ and u noe wat.. god answered my prayers ^^ i prayed that i wont cock up.. i prayed that ppl wil acknowledge me.. and guess wat.. i didnt do a single mistake (yes i'm very proud lalala~) and mummy juz told me when she was watching she heard "wahh who are they? OH LUSH!!! OMG~ they're damn good.. ehh how come got chinese? wah both also very good sia!" lol!!!!!! both means me and ash~ omg~!

damn damn happy! for now and tml wil be a full rest day for me.. thn tuesday's the first day for preparation for finals XD cant wait for it man~ we settled our item liao lol~ fast ehh? =) wah i'm gonna give al out man.. have to improve my stamina and minus my fats so i can fit into the currently planned costume for finals ^^ we got a very nice costume planned but if i never slimmed down at least abit by thn, thn can forget it le lol =X wahh i cant slp la.. lol~ but damn tired.. gotta rest le.. here's a few pics =)



ya my pig leg =(

i took this when i was about to slp at nite lol =X

wonderful peaceful halloween with my dear at haagen dazs =)

hype up concert.. crazy fans of jonathan lol~ it's gd to be young man..

the funny couple -.-

air freeze?!

teacher zhenwei and student kelvin lol~ got scolded for a "air freeze" more like land freeze..

see how sweaty he is =X (it's water btw =X)

student kelvin studying his wu lin mi ji lol =X

wah wah wah~ total madness.. ytd went for lush practise.. indeed is overnite practise =\ it was fun la.. alot of burst-of-laughter happened lol~ and the BEST part is.. I INJURY MY RIGHT ANKLE!!!! X( hurhur~ cos the part where we do half split i overstretched my ankle.. T_T die liao lo.. tml how?!

drank alot alot of water lol~ of cos not forgetting the H2O with love from dearie ^^ dearie came and break abit.. so happy to see him breaking again ^^ haha~ like so damn long nv see the scene le la -.- anyway, we practise til 3plus.. thn slack there.. me and ash went to makan sutra drink water cos we terribly need chilled drinks lol~ and ate the lemon chicken..

wahh reali is heavenly la!! XD thn we went back to esplanade find them to slack cos ash was waiting for dharni.. end up dharni not coming so we left at bout 4plus.. wanted to wait for first train but tink i'll die la lol~ cant even walk =( so me and qamah took cab home.. on the way, he told me that i improve alot sia! woohoo~ XD

but he say i stil abit self conscious.. not as bad.. but stil got.. hehe.. i wil work harder!!! XD thn hakim also keep saying sorry cos he push us very hard.. but we al noe la.. it's for our own gd =) happy la~ finally everything done XD whee~ today gonna do my nails, rest my leg, maybe evening go northpoint with mummy thn come home rest.. mummy say wan treat me crab!!! wahahah~ reward sia lol~

and also this morning mummy scared me lol~ feel like i in hospital sia.. cos she woke up go work ma.. thn she suddenly rub my ankle thn massage.. i was slping thn suddenly "how come got ppl touch my leg and so painful" lol~ thn she help me bandaged it up witht he sprain type of bandage.. but even before noon, i woke up cos too pain lol~ too tight la.. so i remove it.. thn my right leg stayed stagnant thru out le lol~

muz rest man.. tml gonna give my ALL! wahaha~ cannot hai dao lush man! i'm gonna prove to certain bastards out there that even i, without the talent in dance, i, with hardwork, can be a gd dancer as well! and i'm proud of my hardwork and perseverance! and i'm proud of lush's determination! everyone was dead beat ytd.. but we went on! bit's the first time everyone dance half wa thn no energy.. but we push til the end.. it was gd.. and the feeling is WOAH~ i'm beginning to love lush so much lol =X ok i go rest le.. buai~

tml anyone coming call me yea? ^^
come come support lus at yio chu kang CC~!!

it's terrible when you try ur best (or u thot u try ur best) and yet stil make so many mistakes.. =\ lush practise today for me, wasnt as gd as sunday.. sunday, when something is taught, i can get them.. but today.. i can get none.. =\ even the last part of the first song i'm stil very fresh to it =( left 2 more practise to the actual thing.. what am i suppose to do? =(

i feel that i shouldnt have joined chingay =\ i dun wanna pull them down! after the woodlands incident.. i reali dun wanna pull them down again.. i noe i'm not a gd dancer.. what do i have? no skill, no technique.. on this pathetic passion.. this pathetic huge passion but cant do anythin much bout it.. it's not i dun wan.. but come on.. i dun have the finance to go for lessons..

i dun have the right ppl to practise with me.. ya true.. i got lush.. but their standards are already like up in the sky while i'm like flat down on ground.. if they were to spend so much time practising with me, they're not gonna improve.. i dun wan them to stay stagnant as well.. they're al very nice ppl.. they care.. they wan the best for us, for me as well.. *i'm lucky.. very very lucky**

sometimes i even wonder.. is it wrong of me to even join lush? =\ i mean.. from the beginning, their style is already soooo different from VIP.. i've never dance that kinda style in my whole lifetime.. and many ppl say "huh why u chinese go join malay crew? dun feel outcast meh?" (i'm not trying to be racist yea? if not i wont join lush =)

ya true.. indeed sometimes i feel i have no stand in lush.. sometimes i feel i'm not even the crew member.. but.. i enjoy the frenship.. i enjoy the feeling of dancing with confident ppl like them.. so wat if i am outcast? as long as i can dance.. as long as the frenship indeed is there.. wat else can i ask for more? and ALL of them are nice ppl.. nice and humble.. where can u find such nice ppl yet great dancers?

i'm truly thankful.. that's y i keep telling myself to be better.. imrpveo, improve and improve as much and as fast as i can.. so i can catch up with the pace of the crew and not pull them down.. i dun wanna let yutaki down as well.. and most imptly, my mum and myself.. mummy forbids me to dance.. cos of my injury.. doctor says "if u're gonna continue dancing, u're gonna risk being a paralyse for the rest of ur life.." but.. if u wanna stop me from dancing, i rather die..

that's wat i told mummy as well.. and i promise her i wil make it big one day.. maybe not to the extend of BIG BIG BIG.. but at least, a professional dancer? no nid to be very famous but at least a pro? but now where am i? this FAR FAR distance from my dream and my promises.. =( i've been spending 4yrs of my 19yrs of life dancing.. i dun wanna let them go down the drain.. al the sweat, tears, anger..

when on the verge of giving up and telling tapa that "i dun wanna join chingay.. and maybe i'll leave lush", dee came and reminded me things which i had always been telling others.. i reali wanted to give up.. i thot to myself "why cant i juz be a normal human? why muz i pursue this line which needs so much time and effort and get hurt like mad.. this painful road?" but thn dee said this "when the person criticise u, convert the anger into ur dance.. the more the person brings u down.. prove to him that u can be better!"

this is reali a big knock on the head for me.. thankfully for dee and mel that i'm not totally broken down now.. you noe.. it feels real gd.. when great dancers like dee and tapa say "my dancers.." (referring to me la..) tapa said "i like my girls to keep long hair.." and dee said "i dun wan my dancers to have low esteem".. i'm happy they care.. it did confort me somehow.. but i tink i need some self reflection.. i need to train more.. more more and much more..

i keep telling myself "iko if u're gonna give up now.. u're a loser.." cos i tink about ppl like Boa who train everyday mini 13hours.. i tink about ppl like lush who went thru much more shits.. i even tink about yutaki who said that himself was a lousy dancer and it took him lots of effort to be where he is today.. these moved me on..

i juz wish i'm more daring, have more self confidence and open up more.. =\ i'm known as a super no confident girll. my upbringing has nothing to do with exotic/expressive performance.. all i need to do when i was young was to sit infront of the piano and drop my fingers on them.. i dun have to carry any expression on my face nor do i need to care about my body language.. i have so much more to learn.. and i dun have the time! =(

i promise i'll be a gd dancer.. not on skill wise but on mental wise.. i respect dance and i wil give my best to it.. whether ornt i can attain those skills and techniques, reali depends on what God plans for me.. but i'll never give up dancing and i'll do my best.. i thank everyone who cared today and encouraged me.. i thank everyone who came in my life and left a mark there so can move me on.. i truly thanks the ppl who have spend time on me helping me to be better..

i noe kim meant well and i noe he's stress as the dates are coming near.. and of cos i noe everyone's rather worried bout me cos i'm not strong in dancing.. but give me time and chance wil u? i'm slowly improving.. or rather i try to improve.. al i need is time.. and chance.. will try my very best not to let lush or anyone down.. wil try my best to not pull lush down.. and most imptly will try my best to the a gd dancer..

i've wasted so much time being a slacker..
i aint gonna let it happen again..
the road is painful..
but the fruit wil be sweetest ever..
i have no talent but i have the passion and harwork..
i wil make it one day..

wahh~ very happy today ^^ feel so peaceful and contented.. went out with dearie today.. went to cine for lunch at KFC (sinful ar!) thn went for movie (deathnote).. it's a damn funny show yet intelligent lol~ i like the god of death la!!! lol~ the part where he got no apples to eat relai makes me laugh til wanna kill myself..! too funny le la! lol~

thn after the show we went to kallang for sg idol concert (Hype up 2006).. not bad la.. not a real zaii one but not bad =) i tink i admire daphne alot! lol~ i like her voice (not when she sing guys' rock song) and i like her looks.. small eyes yet nice.. ^^ thn i tink hady not bad too.. his voice.. eligible for sg idol no. 2 lol~ and taufik's voice is as gd as ever.. lol~ olinda too~

and wahh~ i miss seeing them onstage tgt sia~ it's like.. when olinda and taufik sang yue liang dai biao wo de xin that time, wahh~ the feeling of last time i chase after sg idol season 1.. lol~~~~ but the season 2 one i no interest lei =X alrite alrite lo.. very neutral.. season 1 also is cos of that sly.. -.- hais.. when he sang that song.. i thot "wah a cheater! bastard sia" cos he say the song he wrote for maia.. lol~ BULLSHIT~

anyway juz had a very relax day with dearie =) and very very contented le.. cos at least there's no unhappy things yea? =X and it's reali one full day lol~ he's in gd mood also lei lol~ but aiya.. i stil dun like him nagging la =X ok nvm.. slowly.. argh~ tml got UT~! damn it la.. math somemore.. i juz went thru the PPT.. SIAO ONE! i return everythin back to faizal le sia! =X

tml ut wil be tested on 3 topic.. the 1st, golden ratio.. that one i anyhow hamtam liao =X thn 2nd dunno wat bio somethin something one.. dunno simi sai! i nv go that day.. thn 3rd.. the problem s on fish farm.. so in al i stil dun reali noe wat we're suppose to noe =X lol~ die liao lo~ i onli noe al got to do with possibility nia.. -.- ok i go jiasai~

ahh~ tml after sch got lush practise at esp.. woohoo~ as this sunday draws near.. my heart beats faster.. tink by sunday i die le lol~ =X GAMBATE! nitey~

i'm missing him so much that i tink i'm goin crazy =( i already forgotten when was the last time we went out on a date.. =( and the worst thing is i didnt even realise i was leading a "i'm not attach" lifestyle recently.. =( i noe it's my bad for that.. but thn i never ever have this kinda things happen b4 ma.. thus i reali dunno what shud or what i shudnt do..

it's like.. i wan to call him, sms him.. but thn i scared i disturb him.. or i dun wish to hear his sian sian voice when he's stress with work.. thn end up we'll quzrrel or being unhappy =( so i chose to let him find me instead of i find him.. and be silent and wait.. but i guess i was wrong.. i made myself live the life of a unattach and made him felt lonely =(

"i'm sorry dear"

anyway during the bboy jam.. he onli came out once.. tat's y i didnt reali blog about it.. it's not i didnt care ok =( and also his battle was a "damn clear who win la" that kinda situation.. but ya la i admit his moves were nice.. but i dun reali like the part where his face is so sian before the battle =X but well.. he helped out during the organising part.. so stress.. so sian.. yup.. cant help it one la.. i understand..

well.. i'm glad he did help abit by pushing zw they al to the cypher.. if not i tink i'll be damn sian cos i thot "why as a instructor u're not pushing them while i am doin the job?" but thn i understand his point as well by "let them go themselve if not this fri they're not gonna make it" cos it's like he wan them to be more independent also la.. so i kept quiet lo..

oh well.. many thos are running in my head recently.. i felt that he's starting to be "anti social" =\ but thn maybe is his work al that stress la.. took up so much of his time.. tat's y he cant even be social to anyone.. i dun wish my bf to the type whereby he's attach and forgot al about his frens.. =\ i no wan that.. neither do i wan him to spend ALOT of time with me in the future and never get to hang out with his frens.. his fuyo.. his breaking..

i like the old larry.. the larry that's always smiling and breaking with fuyo and FTC.. the larry that sees me and smile and play ard.. the larry that hangs out with HHIG after their lessons.. even thou we may not be tgt that time.. but the sweet guy is there.. the plainly sweet and ask for nothing in return guy is there.. i noe now is his crutial time for his sch.. tat's y i dun wanna complain.. =(

kelvin ask "why he dun wan take a break one day per week?" i replied.. "is he cannot.. not he dun wan" =( i onli hope that the old frenly larry wil be back once his work is over.. the ever breaking.. ever playing larry.. i never see him frown b4 we really got to noe each other.. i never see him being unhappy before we got to know each other.. is this why ppl always say.. "when u like someone.. dun be with him if u dun wanna see the imperfection.." is it that true? i hope not.. =
missing those days.. =(

ahh~ went for bboy jam organised by vic on sat.. all was gd =) felt abit out of place la.. somehow somewhat am not a bgirl ma =X so yea.. but lucky enuff frens are al there.. lucky enuff al the "hey!" and "yo!" and "hello!" are stil as welcoming as ever and made me felt much better ^^ this is wat i like bout ppl man! being sucha frenly buncha ppl indeed made me felt gd =)

the 5bboys on my side.. walao ehh~ reali is scared til no balls -.- 5 of them.. onli 3 went out.. and out of the 3, 2 is kana "force" one walao~ how to be bboy?!?! alamak~ i also crack head dunno how to help them liao lol~ did talk to kelvin and zhenwei alot about these kinda stuffs.. hopefully somethings do get into them ba.. but i'm glad they went out for the cypher la..

1 time better thn nothing yea? =) after that we went to slack at woodlands lo.. they break til 5am lol~ thn i dance abit thn i see them break trying to create new stuff with them lol~ funny la! saw hakim and ewan.. wanted to dance with them.. but thn the rest shy la lol~ =X

and during the jam i seriously tink i respect eve alot!!! she's like damn cool la~ thou she's stil fresh and new in bboying but thn her guts to battle ar.. and her attitude towards it ROCKS!!! XD i was cheering for her til i drop man lol~ and yea dian, joycelyn were cool as ever.. dian got the sha qi sia! lol~ murderous intent =X but that's cool in a battle isnt it? =) wahhh wish i was a bgirl =( ok aint gonna tink about it anymore =X dancer is my middle name =D

thn on sunday, went for lush practise at esply.. wahh~ finally finish learning like 80% of the steps le.. left with the transition and formation.. am freaking happy la XD and the sweat woohoo~ missing those days when i sweat everyday thru dancing man~ it's a gd workout for my weak body ^^ and also.. i aim to be at least have a flat tummy by 31dec so that during countdown performance can show my flat tummy instead of a united nations lol~

and i seriously can see abit of the effect le sia! lol~ at least it's not the soft and bubbly type le.. XD i wan my many countries on my tummy!!! XD ok i'm mad.. ytd practise was reali shiok til nothing to say lol~ hakim cleaned our lines for the 1st song and woohoo~ i feel muscles lol~ i'm al set for sunday's comp man~ XD freakin excited now siak~ wahaha~ it's gonna be my big day.. first comp ever with lush.. gotta bake it a gd one!

ppl~ come down to support me yea? XD juz ring me alrite? omgomgomg~ i'm so excited XD

woots~

tired like mad.. juz now went for lush practise for chingay.. whee~ ash wil be joining with us as well ^^ so happy sia~ wasted that shir and jyun could not join.. and of cos wasted that emi cannot join also =( but nvm la.. soon man~ my dearest emi wil be back XD i wann jian fei la =( rahh~ fed up sia~ @#$%^

anyway lush practise schedule is out lol~

sat 21oct 5pm esplanade
sun 22oct 3pm esplanade
wed 25oct 3pm esplanade
fri 27oct 3pm esplanade (overnight)

shiok hor.. see the "overnight" faint~ somemore hor.. sat 28th is halloween lei! =( wanna go party.. i got no time to prepare my costume sia.. =( maybe wil do abit of editing her and there on my previous one.. thn 29th is the com liao -.- i CONFIRM not enough rest one lol~ but i wanna do my best la.. cannot freak out anymore~

and gonna prove to the idiot that say "i pulled lush down" lalala~ go and die.. i dun care bout u.. u're nothing but juz a dirt in my eyes.. =p lucky today learn 3 song of 4 le XD happy sia.. am very very sure of 1 song.. 2 more to familiarise and ard 1 more to go~ woohoo~ lush's gonna bring the stage down that day man~ XD

ppl.. come come support us ok! omg~ my very first comp with lush XD wahaha~ i siao liao.. gd nite~

was surfing online and happened to come across these phones! mad one.. singapore cannot find de sia!!! and i LOVE THEM! X( so unfair sia! rahh~~~

nokia 6265i.. i fucking love this phone i swear! it's like 6280 but nicer! much nicer! X(





nokia 5200.. cute hor?! lol! look like toy sia! but super cute if got pink i swear i'll love it.. but i tink the camera not gd.. 6265i stil the best XD



3250!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but this is 3250 sister lol~ 3250 Xpressmusic.. nice rite! silver lei! waliew~ XD and it can support up to 2GB MMC sia! the normal one onli support up to 1GB..

i happened to juz read his blog and saw alot of things i tink i shudnt see.. ya i noe it's the past already i shudnt tink so much anymore.. but thn again.. he's juz making me feel so "tied" cant i go club? and i go club not when he's free.. i did not neglect him, throw him aside and go club ok.. i went club when he's busy.. no time for me.. dun i need my entertainment as well? dun i need frens?

if he tinks my world shud be 100% onli him.. i'm sorry i cant do that.. neither do i wan his world to be 100% onli me! come on la.. this is reality.. we need frens.. we need peers.. i too am human and am afraid of loneliness.. but it seems he cant see this! he always say he understand.. sound nice.. be nice..

but i cant stand goin to clubs having to worry "wat if he not happy" i cannot stand it! damn it.. it's not as if i go club and hook up guys or go ard fucking guys up.. i too dun get myself so drunk that i cant even recognise myself.. i go club to dance.. listen music.. relax.. hang ard with frens.. wat's wrong with that?!

and wat's so fucking wrong with him?! why cant i stay and watch felix battle? why cant i watch bboys battle? fyi i've been watching them way before i noe u ok!

"i wan a gf. so that i can shower my love and all on.
i no wanna be a father yet, to nag and scold and also at the same time shower my love on."

i dun wan anyone to nag me.. not even my mum nag me.. who else got the rights to nag at me? this is my life.. my choice of living.. no one controls it except me.. especially when u're my bf.. being my bf for like 3months.. u stil dun understand me?! having a r/s that lasted 5yrs or so, u cant understand how human change? u cant noe how to deal with situations?

i cant believe it.. i cant believe the guy i'm with now nags me like fuck.. why has he change so much? he wasnt liddat before.. i swear! some says "maybe he too stress with his work that's y start to be possesive over u and start to control u without knowing himself" WTF?! thn wat can i do?! let him control my life thru?! i dun wan! i dun wanna be controlled.. i wan, need and crave for freedom..

i thot this r/s wil be a free one.. one that trust is absolute.. one that is matured.. or at least a guy that understands wat i've been goin thru and will go thru cos he had been thru.. am i wrong? is this r/s reali not wat i expected? possesive.. something i used to be as well.. but i HATE it.. i dun wanna be a bird that's caught up in a cage..

"u say u know ur own limits. but do u know when is the limit to losing me?"

thn do u noe when is the limit to losing ME?! i dun control u.. i let u have ultimate freedom.. i give u space.. i even force myself to adapt to ur "no-time-to-meet-so-often" kinda r/s.. what else more u wan? so u expect me to be at home or school whenever u're not with me? i cant go out? i cant club? when u got no time to entertain me, leave it to my frens! dun make me suffer being alone at home.. caught in that bloody cold room of mine..

i need freedom.. i need frens.. dun try to caged me up juz because u're sress at work.. dun try to control my life or my mind for i am leading my life.. like u've said i'm a frenly person.. yes.. i am.. tat's y i need more frens and hang out with.. i hate and am afraid of loneliness.. so pls give me the freedom and space i deserve..

i'm starting to forget the meaning of the rainbow on our msn nick.. it was meant to be a promise from u to me to make me happy no matter wat.. but i can say.. i'm not happy when u're naggin and controlling me liddat.. i'm not happy when u're like 75% negative in life.. i'm not happy when u always say "it's fuck up.." i'm not happy when u get al stressed up and get over possesive over me.. if u tink this is making me happy, u're wrong.. pls tink in my shoe..

it's not as if i'm perfectly fine if i lose u.. it's not as if i dun wan u anymore.. but it's juz i dun wish to be controlled.. i wish for a free life.. i wish for a 100% understanding bf.. i wish for absolute trust.. but why are things changing it's path now? not onli i'm disturbed by it.. i'm sad.. disappointed.. tired..

losing grip..

i am missing him =(
lots!
i miss u
i miss u
i miss u
i miss u
i miss u
i miss u
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i miss u
i miss u
i miss u
i miss u
i miss u
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i miss u
i miss u
i miss u
i miss u
i miss u
i miss u
i miss u
i miss u

24 misses for every hour of missing him..
my dearest..

hopefully he's ok..

may the sickness go away..

misses and onli misses..

hurrr i miss him =(

my dearie went melaka le.. sadded =( but he'll be back tml so stil ok.. lucky one day onli.. wanted to meet him for a nice dinner either ytd or tml.. but thn ytd got lush practise.. thn tml i dunno where and how he's coming back =\ so nvm lo.. wait for him at home ba.. today i very guai stay home rest.. (cos ytd and thurs play to much =X)

it's been long since i club for consecutive 2 days ZzZzzz.. but i no wan again man.. siao one.. ytd was cos of the bboy comp.. end up we miss the show cos i was late due to the lush practise.. end up juz club.. thn got ppl diss jc and kelvin.. so zhenwei go battle them.. woohoo~ i was damn happy la! lol~ thn the 3 of them al battle!

indeed ar.. they might not be very very gd.. but thn i realise that the oipponent is BFC and SFB ppl lol! they're nice la.. very very frenly =) i'm juz so happy that they took the first step to a deeper knowledge into the bboy scene ^^ i'm the manager? HUH!! lol! funny la.. thn khai from SFB came and ask them to join the comp! lol~ no nid me to persuade them le..

so they'll be joining next week ^^ and if i'm not wrong, hazrul they al also sia lol!!! lai liao lai liao~! XD i'm sure dearie wil be proud of them.. juz like he was proud of nelly they al when they join PSC comp.. ^^ they're al his student and he's always trying to help them so much.. wahh i feel so happy sia~ but can see them damn gan jiong la lol~ they're gonna bia like mad this week le ^^ while i wil bia my chingay with lush whee~

ytd learn 1 and 1/2 choreo lol~ nice sia! and easier thn last time de choreo.. the hardest is stil the one VIP used for girls nation.. tat one mad one lol~ but i got a feeling ar.. the other 3 songs wil be much harder ZzZzzz.. die le lo~ lol~ but i can do it! whee~ 2 more weeks for me~ 1 more weeks for them! wahahaha~ i kisiao le.. i go rest le buaibuai~

DEAR I MISSH U ALOT!!!!!! X(

my wonderful nite turned not as wonderful with his reply.. hais..

i thot he will understand..

disappointed..

i am juz a 19 yr old girl who likes freedom and likes to play..

i like to hangout with my fren..

i like my current lifestyle..

i will change one day..

but not now.. cos i admit.. i'm stil playful..

ya i admit it's partly my fault for not resisting the temptation to stay later..

for that i'm sorry..

but pls noe i'm stil very playful..

i noe my own limits..

i thot u would understand..
but i'm wrong.. hais

hmm actually i'm juz bored lol~ so here i am to blog.. anyway.. i had alot of thots ytd.. on different things in life.. one main thing that i will blog about now, is bout love.. relationships.. this is actually wat i realised thru out these years of seeing and experiencing thru BGRs.. so ya here it goes.. anyway is juz my personal thots la.. nothing to do with anyone here or anything else =)

i realised that.. or rather most of us realised that there's a "get-together season" and a "break up season".. and i juz thot that it might have something to do with the 4 seasons.. chun (spring) xia (summer) qiu (autumn) and dong (winter)..

during spring, it's the beginning of the year.. and if u realise, many relationship starts ard there.. i feel that maybe it's the beginning of the year.. everyone wish to have everything new.. start afresh.. thus in a gd mood, easily fall in love.. and also.. beginning of a new year.. means beginning of new school term, new workforce (for some).. new circle of frens.. thus meeting more new people..

summer.. it's the season of fun.. relax.. enjoy life.. many couples will go out and have fun, relax.. it's when the relationship is at it's maximum "fun" stage.. and also.. many knows that the "honeymoon" period in a r/s is about 3-4months or 5months for some.. thus after the 4months of spring had pass, this is the peak of the sweetness in a r/s..

autumn.. it's the season where leaves starts to fall.. flowers wilt.. and it's the time when couples start their quarrels.. or maybe not as sweet as ever.. and it's the lower part of a year.. and that's when many gets so tired of working, studying.. stress over exams, projects.. these causes one to feel moody easily.. and of cos.. when ur the other half is the one u turn to the most, u'll complain to him watever unpleasant things happened.. and thus more and more unhappy things build up..

winter.. it's the season when snow falls.. weather turns cold.. and many couples start breaking up.. for my case, ppl ard me is liddat la.. but if ur frens are not liddat thn they're not in this range that i'm talking about.. ard the end of the year, many couples break up ard me.. many quarrels and many many unhappy incidents..

and so.. the circle goes round.. make sense? i dunno.. but i certainly hope not.. who dun wish to have a stable happy r/s? who dun wish to have no quarrels and no disagreements? but thn.. it's hard.. well.. tat's why we always have to go thru so damn many failed r/s to learn every lil thing about being in a r/s before we meet the right person.. but i learnt one thing as well.. not everything that we've learnt previously, can be applied to the cureent person u're with.. cos everyone's different..

example.. few of my ex are the type that when they get angry, they wan me to keep quiet and juz leave them alone.. but now my dearest bf now is not that type at all.. like i've said.. each individual is different.. thus handling r/s takes alot of time and patience.. when ur patience runs out.. tat's the end.. in fact i believe that every r/s can work out one.. there's no "hopeless le la" or "this is the end we cannot go on anymore".. these are onli excuses made up for "i'm tired i wan to give up".. makes sense?

ppl always says.. "cherish watever u have rite now before they're gone.." i got this sentence from naruto.. "everythin thing with form eventually fades away" i noe it's juz a anime.. but it makes sense rite? it's true that everythin with form does fade away.. even rocks.. even water.. of cos.. humans.. once in a while, i'll imagine i lost my parents.. once in a while, i'll imagine i lost my frens.. the lost i meant here is death.. not juz quarrels or fights.. but deaths..

wat's so scary bout death? in fact.. i am not scared of death.. it's the effects on me, the effects on my frens and ppl ard me that i'm scared of.. loneliness.. tat's the scary thing.. we al have to learn to cherish before we regret.. this is one thing that's very very true in life.. well.. i guess i'm done with my nonsensical rant here.. haha.. but think it thru la.. talks of life ^^ heh~

god wil make a way for every darkness we face..
he died on the cross for our very sake..
thus he wil never forsake us..
nor wil i forsake him ^^

In a fucking angry fucking fed up fucking vulgar mood..

wat is this bullshit about trusting or not?! damn.. when u say u trust mi, thn TRUST me for heaven's sake! wat's this stupid thing "i trust u but i dun trust them" wtf??? so now i have to suffer for u not trusting them? being pissed here? it's reali wtf la.. so wat if one day they tell me "i like u" so wat?!?! i'll juz "orh ok lo thn?" thn wat else?! kaos.. the thot of it makes me like goin crazy now la.. knn! had a fucking bad day.. fucking bad starting.. fucking bad ending.. i swear whoever fucking is right infront of me now i see buay song i'll slam the fucking face straight down.. cb! i dunno wat's wrong with him today also la.. or rather the person with something is me lor.. but i dun care la.. stupid PMS is killing me now and the stupid tiredness is making me mad la.. wah reali feel like just shouting and screaming like a mad person now.. ah fuck everything la.. tml better that bryan quk or the fucking cheena dun pissed me off if not he or she'll be the sacrifise for this month i swear!!!

fucking cb better dun step on my tail or i'll kill anyone no matter who u are.. fuckers!

ahhh~ happy 3rd month to me and my dearie!! ^^

sososo many ups and downs lol~ but thn we're stil surviving ^^ whee~! our love is 3months and stil counting ^^ ytd went to town with dearie.. had dinner at steakhouse at cine.. thn went to watch movie "rob-b-hood".. NICE SIA!!!!! XD damn nice show lol! funny and touching! and the baby damn cute!!!!!! XD

i wonder next time my baby wil so cute ma lol =X but my baby's eyes confirm nice lol =X cos my eyes i like hehehe! not exactly la.. my eyes troublesome.. but fierce i like wahaha~ anyway our date was a short one but i'm very happy.. cos nothing unhappy happen and aiya we're juz very very happy la lol =X

but now.. in class, i'm fucking sian.. but nvm.. wil blog about it later.. =)

TIRED @_@

ok anyway, went to cube today with dearie and gang to watch the comp.. i can onli say.. it's a very very nice battle! ^^ dearie's crew won against hellboyz (1) and BFC won against hellboyz (2).. sad thing that both hellboyz crew lose.. but thn i can say.. my impression of them changed a whole big lot! they were nicer and frenly in battle.. at least they're not so beng anymore which is a very very gd thing ^^

thn the 2 winning teams got free beer ZzZzZzz.. and is reali ALOT of beer.. mad one! thn got this 2guy.. 1 from hellboyz.. and the other one name yat.. who is a dancer aint a bboy.. came and cheers with me.. OMG! bottoms up! siao one! one big mug of beer lei!!! B-E-E-R!!! X( lol! but ok la.. they are very nice =) got to chat with yat quite alot.. lol

and he's from urban vive.. i tink i spell correctly ba =X but ya i heard of them b4 nong nong ago ^^ and he say he heard my name nong ago also siak!!! lol! he say he ask ppl who's dancing blah blah.. thn ppl say al the names thn "the chinese girl iko" lol!!! -.- but he's very nice ^^ see! al dancers are nice hehe! including me wor =X

oh ya.. and he told me he need chinese girls dancer for his crew.. so i guess i wil recommend shir and jyun.. cos i tink ar.. they would like to dance with a malay crew as well.. but of cos not forgetting VIP la!! lol! wah.. thn would be real cool sia! XD but thn stil.. have to talk to them see wat's their opinion first.. =) juz a recommendation thou..

oh! have to say this! i swear! i promise! i guarantee! i will NEVER gei kiang again!!!! X( i act smart til my lil toe suffered like mad today =( cos i wore my tight high cut sneakers out today =( cos i wan to look different from other days ma.. juz try try not wearing my skateshoe but change to high cut sneakers.. end up.. less thn 2hours, my lil toe start to pain le =( thn i tahan.. cos i thot shud be ok..

thn til me and dearie were at raffles mrt there walking towards boat quy.. WALAO! i bth liao! thn i wore my high cut in a super lose manner -.- til i have to drag it in order to walk lol! thn we walk ard hoping to find some place that sells shoes.. almost got slippers lol! but thn club no slippers allow ma =( so walk ard find again..

find very very long lei!!! =( til we were at liang court, suddenly i saw a ray of light! and there's my savior.. i place that sells SHOES!!!!! XD so i bought my sch shoe which i wore back in sec days lol! the sleese velcro one.. skateshoe as well la.. but this time aint a skateshoe and aint sleese.. it's some chapalang brand lol and onli $15.90 XD wheee~ so lucky.. and it looks exactly the same as my sleese sch shoe lol!! wanted to get black.. but no my size =( so got the white one lo..

from thn on, iko lives happily ever after with her new shoe for the nite ^^ lol! reali siak! so shiok.. my lil toe was like RED and i reali mean RED~! poor thing =( thank god i found my savior ^^ thn we went cube le lo.. hehe~ after cube we went to mac makan, thn went to wait for NR home.. basket! my NR we waited for 1hr.. NO BUS CAME! &*(*^%$#@ so i reali fed up liao i took cab home =( $18.60!!!! my allowance for 2days!! hurhur! half my jeans! 1/3 of my converse sneakers!!! X(

nvm la.. siansations.. i go slp le.. tired le! gd nitey~ a happy day with a happy beginning and a beautiful ending~

happy me~

wahh very very tired sia! wat a super long day -.- had nap.. haha.. can u imagine?! me?! having nap?! lol! =X but is a accident nap la lol~ was watchin naruto thn suddenly i'm dreaming le.. lol.. thn when i wake up i continue watch cos my lappie was on my lap and i'm lying down on my bed lol!! thn i watch le i tink "eh how come i catch no ball sia?!" lol! thn i realise i miss one big chunk zzzzzzz

anyway i forgot to do my RJ sia lol! but submitted thru email juz now.. mad one! my RJ is mad mad mad! it's about math la.. but is SIAO ONE!!! i've never done a RJ tat need to do research one.. and i never had to use my brain to do a RJ.. kaos! ok anyway naruto.. haha.. i'm at episode 105 le! whee~ fast rite.. wahaha! actually dunnow at to blog bout.. but juz noe that my whole body's aching like MAD! lol!

cos of ytd gin's class ZzZz.. shiok thou hehe~ thn today nua whole day.. thn go home straight after sch.. lol~ i'm so looking forward to chingay and countdown la XD woohoo~ mix some song in class.. stil abit buang ar =X but i'll try again tml.. hehe.. tml's lesson slack la.. lol~ (i hope) hehe~ ok gonna post my MAD RJ here.. haha~ actually i also anyhow bomb one.. lol =X nvm la.. anyhow better thn nv do rite? lol~

RJ:This distribution is called Poisson distribution. Find out for me what is and let me know how it is related to our problem.

I only have a little bit idea on what today’s lesson is about.. I know it has got to do with probability and the (1-1/n)^n (I forgot what it is called I lost my notes as my com got hang) so I try my best to link this thing up and to see if my understanding of the poisson distribution is right or not..

From researching on net, this is the definition that I found for Poisson distribution.

It expresses the probability of a NUMBER OF EVENTS occurring in a FIXED period of time if these events occur with a known average rate, and are independent of the time since the last event.

And this is what I found as well.. and I guess that lambda is the (1-1/n)^n..
The Poisson distribution is determined by one parameter, lambda. The distribution function for the Poisson distribution is

f(x) = exp(-1*lambda) lambda^x / x!
also can write as
P(x) = µx · e-µ ÷ x!

-λ is a positive real number, equal to the expected number of occurrences that occur during the given interval. For instance, if the events occur on average every 4 minutes, and you are interested in the number of events occurring in a 10 minute interval, you would use as model a Poisson distribution with λ = 2.5.

so I guess that the relation between Poisson distribution and today’s problem is more of the way to find the probability. Eg. For today’s case, to find the probability of number of the fishes that can be caught by 1 patron in 1hour.

siao rite?!?!?!?! kaos! @#$%^&* took quite fast to finish it thou lol =X anyway goin to orhorh again le.. very pig today lol =X good nite! oh oh oh! and tml's lantern fest.. whee~ dunno goin where thou.. but am goin to CUBE with dearie to see some comp.. okie dokie.. reali gonna koonz liao.. gd nite!

i have no reason to feel sad..
cos my life's rather complete..
i wil stop dwelling and
stop wishing things would be like last time..
cos.. u've changed..
i'm gonna move on with what i have now..
a gd bf.. gd crews.. gd frens..
cherish more thn ever..

woots! sasuke is making me mad lol!!! XD ok nvm bout tat.. anyway.. am super super tired today =\ relai is the ZzzZzz type lol!! super late for sch.. but thn ya stil made it for the stupid UT and i copied answer from lifen.. ok not copy but REFER lol =X aiya no big deal.. haha~ thn went to HHIG lo.. see them break.. wah the gym area very fuck sia.. the "security" sooooo tight -.- no speaker.. as if we wil steal the speaker siao! lol!

the girl sya til like we wil steal liddat -.- boliao la! thn me and rey keep bitching about her lol! =X true ma.. even if we were to steal la.. it's so damn big -.- thn when we walk ard in RP or rather walk out of RP the security guard wont see meh?!?! lol! siao one sia! see how long they can last lo.. mad one..

anyway practise a LITTLE BIT on my lines and leg muscles while waiting for them.. thn after that went for movie with dearie ^^ watched john tucker must die.. funny la!! lol!! but abit touching =) thn have been thinkin bout stuffs al day long -.- lol! time for self evaluation as well =) well.. indeed, i've grown alot.. and am getting better at handling things.. =) at least to the majority ba =)

one can never satisfy needs of everyone yea? =) i've done my best.. i did my part as a fren.. as a advisor.. the rest is beyond my job.. and i believe God is in control =) she dun take me as a fren anymore? haha.. so be it.. thn i'll take al the "emotive words" said in the past as nonsense thn.. ppl tend to let their heart rule their mind.. well.. even me =X but i'm learning =)

another thing i have to learn.. is to noe how to draw a VERY CLEAR line between work, and personal.. i'm rather ok with it already.. but there's stil much more to learn.. ppl ask me.. "u sad over it?" "u regret?" my answer is nope.. cos i drew the clear line as a fren and as a partner in work.. but if the other party doesnt, it's kinda pointless to get sad or regret over it yea? =)

we wil move on.. there's nothin such as "i cant do with u" cos no one cannot do without anyone.. we come to this world alone.. we leave alone.. it's al within our control and God's control.. ya.. indeed it's rather sad to noe that my thoughts were being wrongly predicted.. that i dun even treat her as a fren.. that i dun even care.. oh well.. everyone noes.. tat's juz me.. i separate work and personal feelings.. and i did say "no hard feelings and not a personal attack"

other thn being misunderstood, there's nothing else i regret or am upset over.. so ya.. i tink i did the rite thing.. i was juz stating facts and my own true feelings.. "true frens make u sees ur flaws while fake frens hides them for u" i guess tat's al i can say.. maybe when she's more clear headed, she'll understand my point.. and maybe she wont misunderstand them.. oh well.. live goes on =) gonna have a busy busy busy weeks from now on! or even MONTHS! woohoo~

there's chingay, there's countdown.. wahh~ mad liao mad liao~ countdown 3 item somemore! faint! tink i wont be joining lush for countdown.. cos i tink i wil die on the stage lol!! =X tat'll be 5 items in total! siao! lol! training training training! gambate~!

i believe u wil read this.. or maybe not.. but i wil juz write it here..
maybe there's misunderstanding.. u might have interpreted my points wrongly.. or even my tones.. cos it's msn somehow.. and indeed, i'm not gd at words.. at all.. i've already tried my best to let u not misunderstand it and trying hard to not let u feel tat it's a demoralising thing from me to u.. but i guess it's stil misinterpreted.. al i can say is.. i stil haven give up on u.. and i will not give up on anyone.. the crew's open to al.. have a break tink bout it and decide when u're ready.. no one wil give up on u except urself now.. we chose to believe in u and to help u.. but it's al up to u now.. take care~

i dun dance for the sake of individual fame nor money.. but for the sake of the feelings being on stage with each and every one of u and my passion..

had a very emotive day lol~ or rather.. feel alot today.. gd and bad.. at first heard some rather saddening news from VIP.. wont say it much.. but thn ya it did bring me to the bottom once again.. =\ another person "giviing up" the dream.. the passion.. ya indeed.. everyone's different.. how we priorities things in our life.. well.. maybe her passion is not as strong as anyone one of us.. there's nothin else we can do for her anymore.. like wat another says.. "we've did our best"

and i suddenly thot.. "i have been to nice and soft to her.. i've always "protect" her from criticism.. til now she cant accept them.. lil lil setbacks, lil lil stress and POOF the passion's half dead.." ya la.. i noe la "every individual is diff" ok lo.. she noe wat she wants in life can le.. juz dun regret anythin like how she regretted giving up once..

thn after awhile..

tapa: iko u can come for practise today?

me: huh? for?

tapa: practise for PA comp.. you're in..

me: chingay?!?!

tapa: yup.. chingay

that gave brings back my smile for the day =) chingay from VIP is declined.. but chingay from lush is back once again! haha~ and the best part is.. from lush, 14ppl are joining!! lol! fun rite?!?! woohoo~ 14!!! i tink the whole of lush joining lol! looking forward to it =)

and settled some countdown thingy woth ann.. =) so i guess almost everythin is done =) next is to confirm the ppl for the performance =) which i tink is mostly settled haha~ sometimes i was wondering.. "why am i working so hard? why do i have to do everythin? why do i have to alias with organisers, why do i have to mix songs, why do i have to worry for every individual, why do i always have to be the one motivating them?"

but thn.. if i dun do it, who wil? at least this time round it's much better.. they're somehow helping themselves and me as well ^^ when i feel very very disappointed, they're there to cheer me on.. thanks ppl esp to shir ^^ i guess al of us have grown.. even myself =) i admit i do make mistakes here and there.. and u ppl helped me along the way =) *appreciates*

also had quite abit of emo in me thinking bout stuffs between me and dearie.. gd and bad.. first i thot bout our future.. wil al the quarrels gonna be like this forever? =\ wil we reali be able to accept one another as who we are.. i dun like it when he over stress himself.. but at the same time, he also dun like it when i'm too stubborn =X alot alot..

but yet again, i feel that i'm one of the luckiest girl to have him ^^ showered in love everyday, and someone who's there for me when i need him.. al this is enuff.. =) dear.. i dun nid a life of luxury.. i dun nid a guy who's damn successful in life or watever.. *juz enuff to keep us alive can le* i juz need u to love me the way i am.. may the days ahead be as the same as now.. but minus the quarrels yea? lol~ hugss..

i'm happy with my life..
i'm lucky to be in LUSH..
i'm lucky to have VIP..
i'm lucky to be with him..
i'm content..

am wacthing a documentary show now.. it's about some volunteer helping old ppl who're dying soon.. suddenly i felt that.. life is so pathetic.. we live.. we fought for success when we're young.. we do al we can to reach our passion.. we do our best.. we stress.. we cry.. but.. when were nearing death.. life seems like nothing.. it's juz like.. "why are we fighting so hard to live now?"

i feel very sad for those old ppl who dun have anyone to "send" them off.. i see this scene where they place the ashes rite inside the rows where is not visible at all.. i see this another scene where the ashes were thrown into the sea.. i suddenly feel.. "isnt there anyone that wil come and pray to them?" "are they reali so lonely in this world?"

it's kinda sad thou.. to noe that.. one day.. even i might not have anyone to send me off.. not being emo here.. but tat's the fact.. death is rather scary.. it makes us feel helpless.. hopeless.. and it's reali the end.. the end of al the sufferings we go thru in life.. the end of watever we've built in live.. so why do we live?

hais.. i dunno.. but i felt that.. life is nothing.. seeing ppl ard me stress over work.. stress over every other things.. it made me felt "why the fuck are u so stress for when u noe 're gonna die one day?" well.. maybe i'm not mature enuff to tink.. but tat's wat i feel at least for now.. i see no point making ourselves suffer in order to be the best.. but yet again.. there's this saying "we onli live once.. made it a worthy one" well.. juz let myself learn as my "deadline" is approaching ba..

i dun understand..