it's amazing how much things can happen in juz half a day.. was happily watching movie, slacking at his placfe with him.. but somehow somewhat.. bad thigns seems to MUST happen.. we were having some pillow talks when he raised this issue again.. yes AGAIN!! this bloody dressing issue AGAINNN! for ur info i'm no where near being happy nor alrite.. i'm bloody crying here in his room on the bed without him noeing.. i noe he'll noe by now when he reads this.. but so what?!
i'm crying there on his pathetic bed.. with him sleeping happily in his dreams.. wonder which pretty girl who dresses damn fucking well he's meeting now in his dream.. many many thots came thru my mind juz now.. he say he'll accept me for who i am from the very first day we got tgt.. but wat is happening?! why do guys always say yet not mean it????? and it's not once or twice he said them.. i also listen til i myself am so sick of it!
i cant imagine me changin so damn much for him.. the clothes i'm getting.. my personal behavior when outside with others.. everything! i even go against my mum upset her by wanting to stay at his place! ok i'm not blaming him but cant he even see al these?! cant he even show the tiniest bit of appreciation?! why is he demanding more and more? it's so much more til i cant breathe! initially he told me "it's about how others sees us.." for that i understand.. he also said before "when in the room or at home, it's different from outside.. it's juz us"
but NO! this is not what i'm getting from him! everything! and i mean EVERYTHING! he wants me to be someone i'm not! he says i'm childish.. he says i'm not feminine.. but hello! that's me! i'm being me.. and this is not in the public.. why do i have to abide to every single rule of urs? u're simply creating a girl whom u wan for u to love.. not loving me! are u happy liddat?! do u reali wan to change me into someone else? al ur other ex maybe liddat but NOT ME!
i did say i wil change for u.. i did say i will wan to change.. but not all at once and not everything i can accept ok! imagine me asking u to wear al the big baggy tee and jeans, skateshoes.. make u wear al the bling bling and go dance with me.. after awhile i wan u to talk like a hiphop-er.. soon enough i wan u to behave like them and live like them.. can u take it?! u said it's hard for ur first step to live in my world.. but aint it hard for me to live in urs too?
i seriously am damn hurt now.. DAMN HURT! cant believe i'm actually facing this again.. thot everything was fine.. thot everything wil be fine once i start to try al the things that i wont do before i met him.. thot everything wil be fine once i try and he know i'm trying.. but seems like i was wrong.. very very wrong.. i'm human too with feelings.. pls dun forget..
i'm shattered once again..
he never accept me for who i am
it all was a lie a BIG FAT LIE!