i tend to laugh at my own life alot. tinking back on how wonderful my life was when i was a kid. with a perfect family, backgrounds, financial status.. having everything i wanted.. a well brought up little girl.. within one night, everything turns to ashes.. am missing my very first and biggest dream of being a pianist when alvin shared with me a piece by Yiruma. the song's "Kiss the rain" it's reali reali nice.. it's heartwrenching tinking that my piano dreams went down the drain thanks to my parent's failed marriage. it pains me to see other's performing on the stage so wonderfully and yet i can onli be a audience. it hurts each time i watch a concert wonderfully performed in my face.. it hurts when i cannot be the one there. musical concerts always leaves me in tears. always i'm tinking.. if i were to continued my music lessons since thn til now.. i might be a very very different person. i might be a well tempered girl who's demure and much liked by everyone else. not this ah lian (whom everyone tinks i am). it's funny how and why everytime i act so damn positive yet i'm all about negativity. haha~ wat rights do i have to preach on ppl's life? it's easy to portray a happy image.. but it's definitely very and i mean VERY VERY lonely in the inside when no one truly understands. having to hide away all my negativity and live like any happy girl is not a easy job. but al i wan is ppl ard me to feel happy. i like it when ppl see me they smile. i wouldnt mind even if they teases me as long it brings a smile on them. thus i guess i've formed this habit of acting all so positive ba. well.. the world stil spins even when we're down.. nth i can do but to accept fate as they comes :) oh well.. God i need strength.. the strength to live with this smile everyday.. the strength to hide my loneliness and unhappiness which was stolen from me. i need u once again.. i'm on a low batt already.. :(

i wish to just cry my hearts out just like a little girl..
the pains.. the pasts.. the darkness..
where's my happiness that was stolen since young?
would u pls return to me? :(

i took the courage and ended our less thn a month's r/s.. another chapter in my life has ended. it was a short but good chapter.. he's a nice guy.. it's just he's not wat i needed and wanted. had a chat with mummy and she's very oppose of our r/s.. she said this as her reason "of cos i wish u'll get someone who love me more thn i do. someone who dotes on u and pamper u.. give u the happiness which me n ur dad couldnt give." her tears dropped as she mentioned this.. it breaks my heart. she said i'm very 委屈.. of cos i do feel unhappy.. but i wont say he didnt give me any happiness at all.. perhaps time doesnt allow according to him. but oh well.. i guess every individual is different ba :) our ways of behaving, our ways of showing our love to someone.. there's no one at fault in this broken r/s.. it's plainly due to our characteristic that doesnt suit at all.. i'm thankful that he's nice enough to respect my decision. hopefully we could stil be good frens :) wishes him all the best in everything esp his roulette assesment.

well.. guess alot of u wil tink i'm so gonna cry die myself over this again rite? lol~ yea i did cry but at least i noe.. we're not meant to be and accepted the fact :) i'm griefing over the end of a r/s.. not over anything. i believe i did not lose him as a fren and that's the most impt isnt it :) dun worry all my darlings.. iko is definitely alot stronger now after all the storms i've been thru ^^ i kinda admire myself for the way i handle this r/s actually lol :x no matter wat.. i just wanna be the happy iko as always and be a strong girl for mummy :) work work work is at priority now! yay yay! 1 assesment cleared now 1 more major game to go! wish me luck peeps <3

thanks you, sorry..
and goodbye..

am kinda in a lost situation now haha. just when i thot i've found someone who'd treat me like a lil princess.. everything turns out to be the opposite.. it's nearly 1 month and the issue is stil goin on.. him not giving me enough attention and the bochup attitude.. it's turning me very off.. most of our conversation are non-qualitied.. cant even spend a sweet honeymoon tgt.. tink bout it.. how long have i lost the "honeymoon" feeling? been years =.= the real last time that i felt love was i tink a yr ago? lol~ if this continues, i'll slowly forget bout the feeling of being love and loving someone ._. i dun blame him for not spending much time with me but at least be a little more sweet whenever we can be tgt? is it reali that hard to be sweet to ur own love one? i dun understand.. having no time is not a good reason for neglecting ur other half.. there are always other alternatives to make up for it.. i get nothing. and he expects me to be a strong girl who's independent.. yes i am independent but as a girl, i'd love to live in my fantasy at times.. wat wrong is it? ._. which girl on earth doesnt wish to be pampered and dote on by their own bf? which girl doesnt wan to be cared for and honeyed-words to? infact which GUY doesnt wan either? it's the same! humans yearn for love.. wat creates love? attentions, care, concerns, understandings, communications and alot more factors.. he tinks that small issues are not worth mentioning adn we shudnt be wasting time on them. but seriously.. small issues are the built up of the whole picture isnt it? a small piece of puzzle is impt to the entire art piece. be it major or minor.. it's all tgt impt. he just dun see the importance of maintaining a r/s.. told him once told him twice.. nth is being done and all he says is "i got no time!" wth =.= i'm not expecting him to spend more time physically with me.. just the emotional side. i'm not even filled to the bit emotionally. he uses words like "u're weird", "u're hard to please" and he claims that we shud talk over it and find a solution.. we did talk.. but any solutions? no! he cant get my points and he's not giving in any step. so how the hell are we gonna have effective communication? i dun get it at all.. alot of ppl is telling me no matter how tired u are, u'll be able to dig time for ur love ones. i'm sick til now and he didnt even show any concern.. even my frens are showing me much more concern than he do when he's the one i'm suppose to be closest to now. i dunno anymore how to continue this r.s.. i bet he dun even feel that there's a problem with our r/s from the beginning til i mention it lol. perhaps he alr treat this r/s like a marriage.. something that doesnt need so much maintainence and is 100% durable.. but sry.. my r/s needs alot of maintainence. i do not wish to feel like a married old cpl that's so dead when we're just dating. i wanna enjoy every part of our dating process the way every r/s shud be. he mentioned that i'm the weirdest gf he had.. likewise for me.. he's the weirdest bf i had too! no idea his way of loving is which method.. i totally dun feel it at all.. this reminds me of a sentence from the song 最近.. "你想要的我卻不能夠給你我全部，我能給的卻又不是你想要擁有的".. it's so like me n one of my ex bf Mr.M but i'm in his position ba lol~ oh well.. perhaps it'll be best if we remain as frens :) i'm always a good fren with libras and from the start i noe that libras are not good lovers for me lol. and now it's tested and proven to be oh-so-true..

p/s: ur insincerity have totally killed my feelings.. ur not trying to understand attitude have killed me totally..

alrite a little update here since today's my wonderful off day and i'm waiting for my nails to be dried :) hmm tink i'll start with the good news first? tsk~ firstly, on the 10 march 2010, i've gotten myself a new audi cpl who'll appreciate my time and wont MIA from me ._. anyway i've also learnt not to take virtual world too seriously too :) but i have to admit i stil couldnt forget c4u =\ well no matter wat it's 2 bloody yrs! even longer thn my real life longest r/s ._. blah anyway it's over :)

another thing is on the very same day, i've found my new love, baby kiera *shy* to those who dunno, he's my fellow colleague at work whom i noe before the orientation hehe. it's amusing when both ur bf and u are dealers LOL! 80% of our topic is bout work, 10% is on movies and another 10% is on random stuffs ._. interesting r/s ehh? never like any of the ones i've experienced LOL~ well not as lovey dovey, not as overly sweet and passionate as any other r/s but stability is wat i'm looking at now :) i wan a long term stable bf not a short termed, passionate and suddenly gone bf.. of cos i hope he'll be the one :)

training have almost come to an end for blackjack and i'm starting on baccarat once my assesment which is this week ends =\ pls pray for me X( am very anxious over it =\ everythin's good at training and this is seriously the most fun job i ever had :D have alot of good frens and am enjoying every moment. but one thing ar, i tink i'm seriously falling sick soon x.x been having flu for past 2 days and sore throat for bout a week.. feeling very slpy and energy-less at work which i never ever had felt before ever since training start. felt very drained and i dunno why x.x

ok last but not least.. the bad news =\ i wished i dun have to mention this in my blog but oh well.. my dearest fren Annie from my sec sch, passed away on 11 march 2010. it was overly sudden for all of us to take it. she MIA-ed for 1 or 2 yrs and suddenly we got a call saying she's gone. it was due to bone cancer (i dunno the proper name for it) she had been having symptoms of it since sec sch. but all doc said nth was found out til 2009 when she was alr in stage 3 of bone cancer. i'm not very sure of the story but all i noe is.. Annie was one of my best friend in sec sch since sec 1. we were both in netball and went thru terrible trainings tgt. while chatting with shiqi and zhenyun bout our netball training 10yrs ago, it was heartwrenching when the flashbacks occurs :( it felt terrible looking at her photo and offering josssticks to our dearest fren. all of us haven met for quite awhile and yet we've gathered over this.. it reali sucks. tears filled our eyes and i believe all our hearts were broken. it's very very painful to see a fren gone. someone whom we've known for 10 yrs. when her mum told us how she behave during her last few days, it breaks our heart even further but we were not allowed to cry. her mum is VERY strong and in return she consoled us. lol~ i reali look up to her wonderful mum. very very strong woman. her mum's wish is that we'll celebrate Annie's bday on 27 may for her at mandai. so i guess we'll be there ba. i seriously dunno how to sing happy birthday happily that day =\ but i'll try my best. for my best fren for my frens. reali felt that we shud cherish every single soul that's ard us now be it ur frens, love ones, family or even enemies. it's all precious gifts from god. dun wait til it's too late..

p/s: i waited too long.. annie mentioned "meet up soon" bout few months ago and i didnt take it seriously.. draggin and draggin.. now this meet up wil never be fulfilled. regrets lingered in my heart.. always..

May the Blessings of God be with you and ur family..
In Loving Memory..
Annie Lim Pei Xian

boo!it's been bout a week since my training at MBS started and i swear everythin is SO FUN!!! xD i'm in team 54 and my trainer's myla (idk how to spell) and ricky :D both very nice and i tink ricky cannot tahan my nonsense LOL he's slowly becoming as nonsensical as me :x til now we've learnt bout chips and a tiny bit on cards and i'm alr having terribly cramped hands :( my left pinky got a tiny blister thanks to riffling of cards and mid finger joints got blueblack on both side thanks to chips :( but time passes fasta nd it's fun working there :D today's my off day and wanted to sort some notes for everyone but ended up i couldnt compile much of it so gave up :x and i audi and dota whole day :x hehehe~ 1 whole week nv game fr 24hr today game le very shiok :x and i got my new cpl alr ;luv mr OGA aka tiko tsktsk~ hopefully this time wont have any hiccups ba ._. hmm wat else to update.. actually nth much recently just the training part ba. wil go into more details if i got more time :D goin dota now! wheee <3

A song i'm damn in love with..

Teardrops on my Guitar - Taylor Swift

Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see
What I want and I need
And everything that we should be

I'll bet she's beautiful
That girl he talks about
And she's got everything
That I have to live without

Drew talks to me
I laugh 'cause it's just so funny
I can't even see
Anyone when he's with me

He says he's so in love
He's finally got it right
I wonder if he knows
He's all I think about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

Drew walks by me
Can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly
The kind of flawless I wish I could be

She better hold him tight
Give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes
And know she's lucky 'cause

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

So I drive home alone
As I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down
And maybe get some sleep tonight

'Cuz he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into
Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see..

And also this next song..

White Horse - Taylor Swift

Say you're sorry
That face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
And I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on
And days drag on
Stupid girl,
I should have known, I should have known

[Chorus]
I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your White Horse, to come around.

Baby I was naive,
Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
I had so many dreams
About you and me
Happy endings
Now I know

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one to sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

Here you are your knees
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I'm sooo sorry

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappears now
Now its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa
Try and catch me now
Oh, it's too late
To catch me now

i'm not your princess.
This aint a fairytale (:
Bid goodbye.

it's funny how after a smoke i wanted to change the song on my win player and realise that it was the song Beautiful by CHC singers and i choose to hear it while hitting a few keys here :)

okeis anyways, am feeling a little bit on the down side today =\ but afterall i'm fine i guess.. was quite shocking to see him and i seriously dunno why my heartbeat stopped for at least 3 seconds when i saw him. i was totally frozen for 3secs and after that my heartbeat raced like mad =\ i swear i dunno why =\ kinda hmm i would say it's terrible feeling. for a moment i thot i was dying lol =\ anyway nice seeing him early in the morning :) went home at bout 11plus in the morning after tonning at XG ytd with qin ai de, max, fly and randy.

Qin ai de came over to my place to slp cos today's Andy's wedding chalet too so we planned to head straight there after a short rest at my place. but i guess things turned out kinda bad =\ Qin ai de found out some stuffs which were not supposed to be known. it wasnt any wrongdoings i swear but still i noe it'll hurt her. sigh~ i shudnt have that silly idea that time :( she told me she gotta head home cos some stuff happened and when she left she texted me thn i noe bout it. oh well.. at least we got it settled :) this is the first time ever, i was SO DAMN afriad of losing someone dear to me =\ tears gushed out when we were texting one another. it was a white lie but i guess if i were in her spot i will feel equally bad as well ba *i'm so sorry* i ever lost few dear ones in the past and it changed my life entirely. that time, i dun even have the chance to experience the feeling of Fear of losing. it happened all too fast. guess we were too young to even talk bout it back thn. but oh well.. this time i'm thankful that qin ai de could cool her head off and we managed to have a little chat and cleared the misunderstanding. i felt totally drained after that D: it's like.. after a big war? *terrible*

after that on the way to XG to meet the guys to head over to Andy's chalet, i suddenly had this thought.. "lotsa things are happening with XR now and all of us are cracking our brains and reali trying to help one another. but it didnt drained me at all.. but this incident with Qin ai de reali killed me totally.. i felt totally drained." I guess i reali cant lose any of my dear ones anymore =\ the incidents with XRs i see the unity within us, the loyal friends helping one another worrying for one another.. checking on one another everyday to make sure all is safe.. it reali touched me alot :) i'm thankful i'm part of them :) seriously alot of people might wanna bring XR down.. let me tell u ppl.. XRs are standing strong and wil never fall.. and do not judge us by stereotyping pls.. XRs are nice ppl loyal friends who'll never throw anyone to die. take time to understand us well and u'll realise it :) after reachin XG we cabbed down to changi for Andy's chalet.. well nothing much there.. just had dinner there and they gambled abit and that's all for the day :) Congrats to Andy and Caroline on their Big Day! *God's blessings befalls them for life!* ^^

after that just head home while the guys head to XG for few rounds of dota lol~ well was feeling kinda lonely which i dunno why either.. tsk =\ and this i also realised that loneliness isnt about whether you have company ornt.. it's all within the heart. You can have a BIG bunch of frens with u physically but when ur heart is empty, loneliness stil conquers over.. kinda scary but it's true :( when home, audi for awhile and chatted with Joel and Maine for quite abit haha. details shall not be mentioned =p it's a girl's gossip! so shhh~ tsk~ after that dota-ed for 2 rounds and 1st was with Haru korkor with public players :( my first game out and i'm so gg-ed x.x ok first game.. wat u expect >=( after that loost joined me n korkor for AI session =x i'd call it raping the AIs haha =x everytime i high-ing thn gg alr. sian ._. the disadvantage of being a DR ehh :( well that's how my day ended.. started badly, proceeded lonely and ended in peace. so i guess i'll rate it an average day? haha~

hmm a little update bout my emotional world now.. i'm in a very very confused state seriously =\ A are telling me these and B are telling another.. while C seems to be there for me everytime i'm down. grrr! i'm fighting against myself :( i wan to stop all these but i tink i failed.. read somewhere on someone's blog and happen to see this sentence that hit a little bit on my head.. it says "i'm just forcing myself to give up.. why should i make myself suffer?" i kinda think that to give up, is not a choice made by the head.. it can onli be a choice when you heart tells u that it had already given up. and we cant control our heart at all.. thus this is quite a bad news eh? :( for these past few weeks or a month? i've been forcing myself to give up so damn much.. being emo, being down, acting strong and as if nth ever happened. misses but dare not contact.. bought vday choc for him yet have no courage to give it to him. sigh~ i'm reali rottenly rotten :( it hurts u noe? to force ur heart to stop loving someone.. it reali do.. but thn.. to stop loving is another way of loving the person isnt it? hais~ matters of the heart is murdering me slowly day by day :(

anyway 2 more days to my job at MBS lets hope i could get so busy (but not stress) and have no time to even tink bout these ba =\ someone told me he might be jealous that's why he's acting strange too.. i duno? i reali dun~ watever it is.. i'm leaving it to fate ba :) as for now, i choose to wait for the miracle that might or might not happen :) no harm waiting? :) be it virtually or RL i'm waiting :) hoping everything could turn out fine :) but these days it seems we've been talking in RL alot more :) but of cos virtually and mobilly alot lesser :( but oh well.. nothing i can do yea? i'm glad we could stil be friends after watever that happened.

p/s: i need to sort out my feelings too. i totally dun understand wat is going on anymore. i'm lost reali reali lost :( i need a shoulder to lie on i need a hug to comfort me i need to cry my lungs out. i need to.. wat's going on in ur head my dear? wat exactly is going on? :(

i reali miss u alot. :(