the end of another chapter of my life...

4months 7days.. that's how long this chapter lasted. everything was well and fine but i realise that we're too overly close. which made me felt like a old married hag. yes.. it maybe sweet and nice in the first place to see each other for 24/7. it maybe the most wonderful thing everyone thought it couple happen to a couple. but al i can say is.. it doesnt last.

i felt so tied up even thou he gave me so much freedom. i felt so controlled even thou he didnt at all. why?! i dunno. i'm someone who needs freedom. LOTS of freedom and solid freedom. i dun have freedom at al in games. i'm afraid of this and that. afraid that i go for sch or dance, he'll be lonely. afraid that i'll leave him alone when in big groups as i love being ard my frens. i've lost myself within this short 4months+. i no longer have any frens except that few.

mum nags alot today bout this incident. but wat i can say is.. her words are like a big hammer that hits on my head. they makes lotsa sense. life is not about love.. be realistic.. love dun let us survive. we need to work, school, money, frens, privacy, family etc. love is a bonus. i totally agree with this. the once always emo about love issue iko is long gone. al i wan is a balance r/s. i'm no longer the little girl that needs 24hr of attention. i'm no longer the type that sticks to my bf every single sec.

i dreams for a life whereby my bf goes to work, i goes to school.. we meet often but not everyday. we know each other's frens but stil have own's fren. we goes out on our individual outings and have fun individually. a sweet sms or call whenever we miss each other and 100% trust and understanding. hard? i guess so.. after soooo many chapters have passed.. i cant seem to find even one that's close. not at all...

it hurts me too to be cruel to not giving him another chance.. but still.. watever he said earlier had pierced rite thru.. watever mum said, rubbed salt into my wound. i felt the pain.. so pain that i dunno how to go on anymore.. watever we agreed on before, was not fulfilled.. to leave each other alone in game and not be unhappy no matter wat happen in games. he failed.. he didnt show it, i appreciate.. but i definitely could tell something's wrong.. seeing him unhappy doesnt make me happy at all.. and i mean AT ALL =\

i suggested.. since we're both so unhappy with one another.. we shall just be frens.. both wil be very unhappy since we're stil in love.. but i guess it's the best way to stop the pain for the time being and make sure it's reali LOVE before anything else goes on. i noe i'm VERY playful now still.. i noe i wan LOTSA LOTSA freedom.. so i better stay out of r/s to prevent making more ppl unhappy. i stil believe in this sentence.. what's meant to be, will be.. if we're reali meant for one another, i believe we break up 215641498124721times also stil wil be tgt in the end.

my mind's in a big blanko now.. we shall leave it to fate than.. i feel numb.. very numb..

fading away..

X(

recently met a few new friends online (in audition). it feels good to have new frens and especially frens of my own after such a long time. if u al realise.. i've long lost contact with al my own frens.. al haven been contacting each other for like 374624823423years =\ i admit.. i them.. sii, emi, jyun, shir, al my VIP-mates.. lushians.. hais..

the other day, nikz ask me when am i goin back to dance.. gd question.. i wish to go back too!! but how?! X( i've lost al the confidence in me and i dun even have the slightest motivation to go.. sigh~ dancing online is something i can do now.. sometimes i wonder.. am i forgotten by everyone?

few days ago had a nice long chat with dar.. and i told him watever i felt.. bout how i wish i have my own frens.. i'm glad he understands (even thou he's not very happy with it).. and just when everything gets peaceful and i hunts for my new frens, some b*tch came into the pic X( it's been LONG since i met this kinda person.. i ask al of u one thing.. can u tolerate a girl who is EXTREME AA (attract attention) ? tmd~ i reali had enuff of her sia..

i wont say is who but those who noe me VERY well.. knows who it is.. watever i have, she wans.. i say this is not cos i'm bias against her or watever.. but it's just the fact! can u imagine whoever i PM in game, she go PM them and say lotsa bullsh*t?! can u imagine wherever i go, she come and make me felt so transparent?! ya she's a pro.. she's prettier, she's rich.. SO WAT?! do i even care?! aiya seriously saying.. if she wants al those.. take it la.. i'm not as desparate as her in need of attention.. but i juz cant stand my fren liddat.. u call urself my fren.. yet u're doin this kind of thing? snatching away watever i have? so be it.. dun call urself my fren anymore..

i noe i'm VERY childish ranting bout such stuff here in my dumb blog.. but i juz cant find any other way to rant my anger out X( i noe i'm childish to get angry over this minor thing.. but.. can i just be childish for once?! i'm human too.. i need my frens too.. i dun like the feeling of being "covered" too.. for once.. let me be a child..

i wish i never had a fren like u..

>.<

recently met a few new friends online (in audition). it feels good to have new frens and especially frens of my own after such a long time. if u al realise.. i've long lost contact with al my own frens.. al haven been contacting each other for like 374624823423years =\ i admit.. i them.. sii, emi, jyun, shir, al my VIP-mates.. lushians.. hais..

the other day, nikz ask me when am i goin back to dance.. gd question.. i wish to go back too!! but how?! >.<>.<>.<>.< size="1">i wish i never had a fren like u..

Goodbye girlgirl~ <3

The only comforting thing I've found about losing a pet, personally, is that it is a transition from "keeping a promise" (when you first bring them home) to "promise kept". I know this idea has comforted more than a few people, and it is the only way I found to deal with some of the losses I've had. There's some satisfaction or general sense of "I done good" about "promise kept". May those of you needing comfort find some in those words.

-Dave Fisher

my girlgirl left us this morning peacefully. i gave her her last bath last night and fed her her last meal. she had her last walk around the house and her last view of her dearest companion boyboy. the time she had with us wasnt long but the happiness she gave us were abundant. from the first day i saw her at the pet shop, dearie, cal, dan gor and me fell in love with her. she's a beauty she's a sweet. i wil always remember her lazy eyes and her lazy legs. she's gentle as silk and she's never playful. her fur were white as snow with short ears and a tiny greyish tail which makes her very adorable.

she always dirty the fur around her mouth when she nibble on her carrot. it makes us headache at first. i always ask "aiyo.. when wil you grow up and learn to clean urself??" now i noe.. the answer is "never". she's a dear.. she's so lovely that you'll wish to take care of her forever. boyboy takes care of her too.. but at times, her bullies her esp when it comes to carrot. oh well.. boy doesnt grieve as much as dearie and me do. maybe it's a gd thing that boy is stil young at least not much of a heartbreak to him.

i was terribly sadden by the news of girl's departure. in class, i couldnt concentrate. al i think of is her and the beautiful short days we had. the day to sembawang for crabby. the next day i bathe her and boy and let them run ard the house. the day i saw her fur filthy with her pee and bathe her immediately. the day boy and her snatched carrot with each other. i miss girl so much =( well i guess times' up for her.. may she be in peace and remembered by all that knew her..

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand on my grave and weep.
I am not there. I do not sleep.

*take care girl..
i love you. daddy too..

woots.. it's been LONG since i last update XD anyway 2 new pictures for my new look ^^ cut my hair myself and hopefully it does looks much better ^^ stupid takashi say i look like 7th month "gd brothers" IDIOT >.< nvm.. others says nice can le =P been getting abit more thn usually "hiao" recently lol =X i'm growing up! XD need to work alittle bit harder on my diet.. am getting fatter le X( anyway love the addition to my family lots ^^ introducing my daughter to all <3




my dearest daughter~ ball ball XD cute rite?!?!?!?! XD <3333333

"Happy" 20th to me..

4 more hrs and it's the end of my lousy birthday (thank god) every year i wish and look forward to nice parties or gatherings with frens or family or even bf.. this yr, the same.. BUT the difference here is.. this yr simply SUCKS! 16th july.. a date i always look forward to and LOVED! but somehow i wish this day never come this yr =( simply because everything just sucks..

how did i spend my birthday? at jer's place MAPLE best of all ALONE! (how nice) was honestly having a bad bad bad day.. gave him quite a few attitudes today some reasons are personal la so not nice to say here.. other thn that it's purely boredom plus boredom.. everyday same thing.. this life CANNOT go on! my special day became one of the lousiest day of my life.. DAMN! and for some unknown reason i dun reali look forward to the MNL july babies BBQ =\

just feel that nothing good wil turn out again.. or rather i dun wish to put too high hopes again and get crashed like today =\ this yr VERY special thing is i have no cake (sigh) it used to be a MUST and tradition when i was with the clovers.. but this yr is the first time i'm celebrating without them =( and ya everything just feel so wrong =( i dun have my fren surrounding me.. my bf is slping away.. my mum doesnt give me anything not even a nice dinner..

so wat if my dad gave me 300bucks? so wat if everyone wished me "happy birthday"? i aint happy at all.. i repeat.. AT ALL!!! X( i bet this yr's birthday id gonna be the MOST NON-memorialble one for me.. it's the first time i'm holding the age of a 2+ but yet it wasnt at all a happy one.. everyone had their memorialble big 20 birthday.. i didnt.. oh well maybe birthday isnt anything special at all.. why should i hold it so hard to me?

it's just another day that signifies my coming to this earth.. thats all.. wat's so special? haha~ i started my birthday with sadness.. and ended it with sadness too.. or rather.. loneliness.. my jer's always here.. but stil i feel VERY lonely.. i dun wish to end it with tears.. but stil it's rolling.. i always ask myself wat i wan for my birthday every year.. but this yr it's empty.. i just wish for a big get-around with my frens.. my bf.. my family.. i dun need any big parties or luxurious celebration.. just a small cake and a song? that's al?

this yr.. no cake.. means no candles.. no candles means no blowing of candles.. no blowing of candles means no birthday wish.. sigh.. wat's the point of wishing.. every year, my wish is the same.. but it never came true.. i guess i'm just too attention seeking.. sigh~ well i just ask for abit more attention on this day.. is it wrong? is it too much? sigh~ it seems like a quiet birthday this yr.. obviously i'm stil trying to announce to the world that "it's my birthday!!!" but still.. seems like none cares.. the MNL BBQ is like got head no tail.. my celebration at pub wasnt really nice.. nothing's good basically..

for the whole day.. i've been holding back my tears.. trying to act silly or be stupid infront of jer.. but within, i cant take it.. everytime i tink of the date today.. it just brings tears.. i tink of the past celebrations, it brings tears.. sigh~ sometimes.. i dun wish to grow up..

oh well..
happy birthday iko..

Meow Meow~

many will be surprised by this title as iko obviously and am famous for disliking cats.. but this time i got a kitty.. YA! iko got a kitty XD but onli for a day =( why? thanks to my fcuk up mum AGAIN! i swear i hate her! cb! it's like the first time i actually like cats and first time a cat likes me (i guess so) but damn my mum! i curse al the fcukers who dislike animals go to hell! fcuking cb!

how did i get this kitty? it was on 13th july midnite, me and dearie and calvin went to penninsula to lan.. thn while smoking, this kitty happened to be there.. and for some funny but unknown reason, it seems to love dearie =.= so i bought a packet of milk for it.. and i thot of bringing it home.. but thn we stil gotta lan.. so i said if when we going home that time she's stil here thn bring home.. (fate ma rite?)

and yes.. we came out while walking to take a train, we saw her again XD so of cos like wat i've said, i brought her home.. first to dearie's place (that's the initial plan) but so happened that kitty doesnt like big cats (i have no idea why) and according to dearie's mum that she(kitty) dun even dare to eat, pee, poo =.= (how nice ya?) so bobian, we brought her to my home.. thot mum would let me keep it but.. argh fcuk her! >=(

it was til like minutes ago thn mum found out bout her as she just came home.. kitty was in my bathroom while me and dearie's out to my bday celebration at BQ.. when we came home, OH MY GOD~ my bathroom seems like a war aftermath =.= wat else could it be.. everything was fine til mum gets home.. (dun feel like saying much.. go imagine urself) so no choice, kitty's out of my place T.T hais.. juz hope can see her again ba..





*ugly me but who cares.. i juz love kitty



*goodbye meowmeow*
=(