i tend to laugh at my own life alot. tinking back on how wonderful my life was when i was a kid. with a perfect family, backgrounds, financial status.. having everything i wanted.. a well brought up little girl.. within one night, everything turns to ashes.. am missing my very first and biggest dream of being a pianist when alvin shared with me a piece by Yiruma. the song's "Kiss the rain" it's reali reali nice.. it's heartwrenching tinking that my piano dreams went down the drain thanks to my parent's failed marriage. it pains me to see other's performing on the stage so wonderfully and yet i can onli be a audience. it hurts each time i watch a concert wonderfully performed in my face.. it hurts when i cannot be the one there. musical concerts always leaves me in tears. always i'm tinking.. if i were to continued my music lessons since thn til now.. i might be a very very different person. i might be a well tempered girl who's demure and much liked by everyone else. not this ah lian (whom everyone tinks i am). it's funny how and why everytime i act so damn positive yet i'm all about negativity. haha~ wat rights do i have to preach on ppl's life? it's easy to portray a happy image.. but it's definitely very and i mean VERY VERY lonely in the inside when no one truly understands. having to hide away all my negativity and live like any happy girl is not a easy job. but al i wan is ppl ard me to feel happy. i like it when ppl see me they smile. i wouldnt mind even if they teases me as long it brings a smile on them. thus i guess i've formed this habit of acting all so positive ba. well.. the world stil spins even when we're down.. nth i can do but to accept fate as they comes :) oh well.. God i need strength.. the strength to live with this smile everyday.. the strength to hide my loneliness and unhappiness which was stolen from me. i need u once again.. i'm on a low batt already.. :(

i wish to just cry my hearts out just like a little girl..
the pains.. the pasts.. the darkness..
where's my happiness that was stolen since young?
would u pls return to me? :(

i took the courage and ended our less thn a month's r/s.. another chapter in my life has ended. it was a short but good chapter.. he's a nice guy.. it's just he's not wat i needed and wanted. had a chat with mummy and she's very oppose of our r/s.. she said this as her reason "of cos i wish u'll get someone who love me more thn i do. someone who dotes on u and pamper u.. give u the happiness which me n ur dad couldnt give." her tears dropped as she mentioned this.. it breaks my heart. she said i'm very 委屈.. of cos i do feel unhappy.. but i wont say he didnt give me any happiness at all.. perhaps time doesnt allow according to him. but oh well.. i guess every individual is different ba :) our ways of behaving, our ways of showing our love to someone.. there's no one at fault in this broken r/s.. it's plainly due to our characteristic that doesnt suit at all.. i'm thankful that he's nice enough to respect my decision. hopefully we could stil be good frens :) wishes him all the best in everything esp his roulette assesment.

well.. guess alot of u wil tink i'm so gonna cry die myself over this again rite? lol~ yea i did cry but at least i noe.. we're not meant to be and accepted the fact :) i'm griefing over the end of a r/s.. not over anything. i believe i did not lose him as a fren and that's the most impt isnt it :) dun worry all my darlings.. iko is definitely alot stronger now after all the storms i've been thru ^^ i kinda admire myself for the way i handle this r/s actually lol :x no matter wat.. i just wanna be the happy iko as always and be a strong girl for mummy :) work work work is at priority now! yay yay! 1 assesment cleared now 1 more major game to go! wish me luck peeps <3

thanks you, sorry..
and goodbye..

am kinda in a lost situation now haha. just when i thot i've found someone who'd treat me like a lil princess.. everything turns out to be the opposite.. it's nearly 1 month and the issue is stil goin on.. him not giving me enough attention and the bochup attitude.. it's turning me very off.. most of our conversation are non-qualitied.. cant even spend a sweet honeymoon tgt.. tink bout it.. how long have i lost the "honeymoon" feeling? been years =.= the real last time that i felt love was i tink a yr ago? lol~ if this continues, i'll slowly forget bout the feeling of being love and loving someone ._. i dun blame him for not spending much time with me but at least be a little more sweet whenever we can be tgt? is it reali that hard to be sweet to ur own love one? i dun understand.. having no time is not a good reason for neglecting ur other half.. there are always other alternatives to make up for it.. i get nothing. and he expects me to be a strong girl who's independent.. yes i am independent but as a girl, i'd love to live in my fantasy at times.. wat wrong is it? ._. which girl on earth doesnt wish to be pampered and dote on by their own bf? which girl doesnt wan to be cared for and honeyed-words to? infact which GUY doesnt wan either? it's the same! humans yearn for love.. wat creates love? attentions, care, concerns, understandings, communications and alot more factors.. he tinks that small issues are not worth mentioning adn we shudnt be wasting time on them. but seriously.. small issues are the built up of the whole picture isnt it? a small piece of puzzle is impt to the entire art piece. be it major or minor.. it's all tgt impt. he just dun see the importance of maintaining a r/s.. told him once told him twice.. nth is being done and all he says is "i got no time!" wth =.= i'm not expecting him to spend more time physically with me.. just the emotional side. i'm not even filled to the bit emotionally. he uses words like "u're weird", "u're hard to please" and he claims that we shud talk over it and find a solution.. we did talk.. but any solutions? no! he cant get my points and he's not giving in any step. so how the hell are we gonna have effective communication? i dun get it at all.. alot of ppl is telling me no matter how tired u are, u'll be able to dig time for ur love ones. i'm sick til now and he didnt even show any concern.. even my frens are showing me much more concern than he do when he's the one i'm suppose to be closest to now. i dunno anymore how to continue this r.s.. i bet he dun even feel that there's a problem with our r/s from the beginning til i mention it lol. perhaps he alr treat this r/s like a marriage.. something that doesnt need so much maintainence and is 100% durable.. but sry.. my r/s needs alot of maintainence. i do not wish to feel like a married old cpl that's so dead when we're just dating. i wanna enjoy every part of our dating process the way every r/s shud be. he mentioned that i'm the weirdest gf he had.. likewise for me.. he's the weirdest bf i had too! no idea his way of loving is which method.. i totally dun feel it at all.. this reminds me of a sentence from the song 最近.. "你想要的我卻不能夠給你我全部，我能給的卻又不是你想要擁有的".. it's so like me n one of my ex bf Mr.M but i'm in his position ba lol~ oh well.. perhaps it'll be best if we remain as frens :) i'm always a good fren with libras and from the start i noe that libras are not good lovers for me lol. and now it's tested and proven to be oh-so-true..

p/s: ur insincerity have totally killed my feelings.. ur not trying to understand attitude have killed me totally..