heartbreaks.

heart breaks after heart breaks. wat more can life be? why am i in this rotten life again? this sucks.. seriously.. why is it always girls the ones that suffers? does guys actually understand wat we're thinking? somehow i wish to leave this place.. leave this rotten place that's filled with heartbreaks. i dun deny there's beautiful memories here.. i dun deny there's wonderful frens here. and this is where i grew up.. but still.. it's far too rotten..

i wish to leave this place.. i wish to be away. maybe when i'm reali gone, ppl wil start to cherish me.. or maybe when i'm gone, no difference wil there be... i dunno.. i seems like nothing to everyone.. i seem like juz another soul surviving in this world.. another soul there to let ppl step al over me.. i felt so down.. so trampled by all.. so.. useless..

what difference do i made being in this world? why is the world so ugly? why is everything so surface? when wil i ever find someone that truly know me within and cherish me from within? i can be someone popular.. i can be someone everyone wants to get close to. but wat's the point when everyone does that surfacely? i dunno which is more important now.. i used to think as long i have a normal looking appearance with a beautiful heart.. that's enuff..

but the world seems so demanding now that my thots have changed.. shud i be more selfish and wants the best out of everything? or shud i stay the same iko that stays contented? i'm lost.. very lost..

i've turned my back on this world..

totally shattered..

my heart was stabbed to death on 21st october 2007. sometimes i wish i was the blur and stupid type that always dun wanna find out truths. truths' out, promises broken. i remained nice even when we broke up.. wat do i get back? fuck up attitudes.. he say he treat al his frens with that kind of attitude? laugh-my-ass-off!! ppl ard us with eyes al can see what's the difference. everyone knows.. no one's siding whoever..

even if he reali treats al his frens liddat.. al i can say is.. i pity his frens.. i can be witness.. that his frens mostly are very nice ppl. and by being such a nice fren, they get this kinda attitude from him?! oh-my-god.. how unlucky.. i've already been thru it this few days/weeks.. i've seen the true colours of one person i used to love so much. it's so scary.. seriously scary.. i seem like i never known this guy at all.. why?! he told me this is the real him.. omfg~ spare me the shock pls.

haven i been nice enuff? i've always worried for his everything.. those who're close knows everything.. i dun wanna say here.. it's nothing nice anyway.. i give up.. i dun wanna be a toy anymore.. no longer a puppet with a nice and soft heart.. no more~ since things are liddta now.. i shall be someone u guys never know.. iko's dead.. the jeremy i used to loved is dead.. i dun recognise him anymore.. and i shall bury al the memories we had and never touch them again.

i admit there's stil abit of unbearingness in me to let go.. i thot we had a chance to be tgt again one fine day. i thot.. now it's al shattered.. dun wry.. i cried cos i juz had a tripped on a rock.. i injured myself.. the wound's deep.. and they juz rubbed salt into it.. i wil recover soon.. very very soon.. nothing can bring me down. i shall live my new life once again.. i shall be a hppy girl once again. i wont ever ever cry for useless things again..

i will move on..
i dun need u..
get lost..

放开手

把回忆封锁在遥远的地带 提起勇气去面对新的未来
已不能做什么 只能交给命运去安排 可能有些事我们都看不开

为什么要失去才懂得珍惜 后悔却压抑不了倔强的心
心灵那么接近却又不近 被误解隔离 能否找一个方式说对不起

放开手要迎接新的未来 可怜的我却还是依赖
你的爱我永远不忘怀 共度的日子锁在脑海
最后演变成相互伤害 相信我们彼此都感慨 感情变质了默契却还在

说不出口的悲哀 不愿离开 一个人独自承受快乐悲哀
已不能做什么 只能交给命运去安排 可能最终注定我们要分开

。。。

=(

***maybe one day i reali have to let go***

the end of another chapter of my life...

4months 7days.. that's how long this chapter lasted. everything was well and fine but i realise that we're too overly close. which made me felt like a old married hag. yes.. it maybe sweet and nice in the first place to see each other for 24/7. it maybe the most wonderful thing everyone thought it couple happen to a couple. but al i can say is.. it doesnt last.

i felt so tied up even thou he gave me so much freedom. i felt so controlled even thou he didnt at all. why?! i dunno. i'm someone who needs freedom. LOTS of freedom and solid freedom. i dun have freedom at al in games. i'm afraid of this and that. afraid that i go for sch or dance, he'll be lonely. afraid that i'll leave him alone when in big groups as i love being ard my frens. i've lost myself within this short 4months+. i no longer have any frens except that few.

mum nags alot today bout this incident. but wat i can say is.. her words are like a big hammer that hits on my head. they makes lotsa sense. life is not about love.. be realistic.. love dun let us survive. we need to work, school, money, frens, privacy, family etc. love is a bonus. i totally agree with this. the once always emo about love issue iko is long gone. al i wan is a balance r/s. i'm no longer the little girl that needs 24hr of attention. i'm no longer the type that sticks to my bf every single sec.

i dreams for a life whereby my bf goes to work, i goes to school.. we meet often but not everyday. we know each other's frens but stil have own's fren. we goes out on our individual outings and have fun individually. a sweet sms or call whenever we miss each other and 100% trust and understanding. hard? i guess so.. after soooo many chapters have passed.. i cant seem to find even one that's close. not at all...

it hurts me too to be cruel to not giving him another chance.. but still.. watever he said earlier had pierced rite thru.. watever mum said, rubbed salt into my wound. i felt the pain.. so pain that i dunno how to go on anymore.. watever we agreed on before, was not fulfilled.. to leave each other alone in game and not be unhappy no matter wat happen in games. he failed.. he didnt show it, i appreciate.. but i definitely could tell something's wrong.. seeing him unhappy doesnt make me happy at all.. and i mean AT ALL =\

i suggested.. since we're both so unhappy with one another.. we shall just be frens.. both wil be very unhappy since we're stil in love.. but i guess it's the best way to stop the pain for the time being and make sure it's reali LOVE before anything else goes on. i noe i'm VERY playful now still.. i noe i wan LOTSA LOTSA freedom.. so i better stay out of r/s to prevent making more ppl unhappy. i stil believe in this sentence.. what's meant to be, will be.. if we're reali meant for one another, i believe we break up 215641498124721times also stil wil be tgt in the end.

my mind's in a big blanko now.. we shall leave it to fate than.. i feel numb.. very numb..

fading away..

X(

recently met a few new friends online (in audition). it feels good to have new frens and especially frens of my own after such a long time. if u al realise.. i've long lost contact with al my own frens.. al haven been contacting each other for like 374624823423years =\ i admit.. i them.. sii, emi, jyun, shir, al my VIP-mates.. lushians.. hais..

the other day, nikz ask me when am i goin back to dance.. gd question.. i wish to go back too!! but how?! X( i've lost al the confidence in me and i dun even have the slightest motivation to go.. sigh~ dancing online is something i can do now.. sometimes i wonder.. am i forgotten by everyone?

few days ago had a nice long chat with dar.. and i told him watever i felt.. bout how i wish i have my own frens.. i'm glad he understands (even thou he's not very happy with it).. and just when everything gets peaceful and i hunts for my new frens, some b*tch came into the pic X( it's been LONG since i met this kinda person.. i ask al of u one thing.. can u tolerate a girl who is EXTREME AA (attract attention) ? tmd~ i reali had enuff of her sia..

i wont say is who but those who noe me VERY well.. knows who it is.. watever i have, she wans.. i say this is not cos i'm bias against her or watever.. but it's just the fact! can u imagine whoever i PM in game, she go PM them and say lotsa bullsh*t?! can u imagine wherever i go, she come and make me felt so transparent?! ya she's a pro.. she's prettier, she's rich.. SO WAT?! do i even care?! aiya seriously saying.. if she wants al those.. take it la.. i'm not as desparate as her in need of attention.. but i juz cant stand my fren liddat.. u call urself my fren.. yet u're doin this kind of thing? snatching away watever i have? so be it.. dun call urself my fren anymore..

i noe i'm VERY childish ranting bout such stuff here in my dumb blog.. but i juz cant find any other way to rant my anger out X( i noe i'm childish to get angry over this minor thing.. but.. can i just be childish for once?! i'm human too.. i need my frens too.. i dun like the feeling of being "covered" too.. for once.. let me be a child..

i wish i never had a fren like u..

>.<

recently met a few new friends online (in audition). it feels good to have new frens and especially frens of my own after such a long time. if u al realise.. i've long lost contact with al my own frens.. al haven been contacting each other for like 374624823423years =\ i admit.. i them.. sii, emi, jyun, shir, al my VIP-mates.. lushians.. hais..

the other day, nikz ask me when am i goin back to dance.. gd question.. i wish to go back too!! but how?! >.<>.<>.<>.< size="1">i wish i never had a fren like u..