sigh.. i'm suddenly flooded with the thoughts of travelling again :( i wish to go japan or korea or even taiwan :( and i wish to spend a white christmas one fine yr. when can it come true? sigh.. i was looking at fares to japan and taiwan on jetstar. they aren't anywhere near cheap :( back and forth will cost bout 800 plus just the tickets alone. booking hotels wil be another bomb. i dun mind not shopping nor playing. i just wanna spend a white xmas.. sigh. when wil it actually come true? i guess i'll need at least 5k to go there if i'm gonna include playing and shopping. and of cos to bring my mum there if possible and of cos with bf. i need a good get away :( maybe i could plan for next yr's christmas ba. i noe i have to save for house n stuffs but i reali wanna have a white xmas :( how i wish i can win some lottery or lucky draw with tickets to these places :( tinking back on my days in korea reali made me sooooooooooo missing the place. i didnts play much but i'm seriously missing the atmosphere and the life pace there. it's so nice! the weather the ppl the everything! although communication seriously broke down D: i miss the bbq and the cooling weather at nite when i walk down the hotel to the 7-11. i miss the cheappppp tibits there! :x oh well.. i miss korea :( but i wan japan this time!! T.T when can my wish come true? i promise myself i will travel to japan at least once every yr when my financial and house settles down. i promise i wil give myself nice xmas and nice bday if everything goes well :D ok i'm self consoling T.T but oh well.. JIAYOU JIAYOU JIAYOU!!!

i'm beginning to look at the ppl ard me with a different view.

i honestly tink no one truly wants me to be happy. ppl ard me are all fking selfish. before i go into that. i wanna define my meaning of "truly want someone to be happy". by saying that, u should not try to change what the person likes, do, habits etc.. by saying that u wouldnt find things to quarrel with him/her no matter how big the issue is. adults dun quarrel. adults negotiate and talk things through. by saying that, you'd give everything, do everything to make the person smile. you'd love without conditions. you wont expect anything in return for what u've done.

but hell no. those whom i thought love me, wants the best for me.. are all not tinking that way at all. if they truly wants me to smile they'd keep their comments to themselves. they dunno by their casual comments it'll hurt me alot? i dun voice out doesnt mean i'm fine. i just dun wanna make things ugly. but selfish as they are they mentioned "why would i wan those i love be to happy when i'm not even happy?" oh wow. what a selfish line. do i even have to care so much for their feelings anymore? always keeping things to myself when i dun feel happy. to all my frens and my mum.. i dun like you all to comment on my r/s. i dun like u al to comment on my bf. i dun like u all to even comment on anything i like. wanna comment? can. a casual remark wil do to my ears. not in somewhere the whole world would see. i dun like to hear "i dun like him" because it hurts alot. he is what i chose and what i like. so why do u even have to comment if u like him ornt? he's not ur bf. he's mine.

i also dun like it when the one love of my life kept finding things to quarrel with me. he says i'm selfish i'm ignorant and i'm a failed gf. i admit i'm not perfect. but do u have to rub salt into my wound? is that the way of loving someone? if they're just harsh words, shouldnt an apology be done after things have cooled? i dunno.. but he sound as if he love me so much and i'm everything to him. but is it really true? if that's the case shouldnt he just wan me to smile every single day of my life? thn why pick things to quarrel? he agreed with loving unconditionally. but he's totally not doing that. if one truly love unconditionally, one wont find things to quarrel. because u wont even be able to find things to quarrel over. compromising is good. but i tink i've compromised too much. i'm no longer myself. where is the iko that's always on and happy? where's the bubbly me? where's the me that cares about all my frens and bf and family's feelings? i dun tink i'm selfish here. everytime keeping things to myself. unhappy also keep inside. to avoid quarrels i kept them in. i never dared to voice out cos i was afraid to lose anyone. nv dared to voice out cos i was afraid to hurt anyone. but now what i see is them all being selfish?

i dunno about what is true frenship, true love, true kinship anymore. i feel so lost now that everything happened just like that and i'm the one that get affected the most. losing a sister losing a bf. i noe this sister hasnt been very happy about any of my bf. none of them she liked. and none of them like her too. but i just wanted to keep things in place so i just accepted both side's words and kept them to myself. i dun wan any conflicts but ppl say 子是包不住火的.. indeed so true. this conflict reali shot out today. and indeed i'm the one that get hurt the most. if she truly wan me to be happy why'd she comment on all my bf so negatively? she dunno that it'll scare them away? seeing me breaking up reali make her happy? bringing me down with "there's no true love in this world" makes her happy? i dunno anymore if she reali care for me or just being selfishly trying to make me like her.

i tink i'm tired of accepting everyone for who they are and trying to make myself fit into everyone's life. i cannot do it. i'm not as strong as i thought. i guess it'll be best if i'm all alone. at least i dun have to face quarrels. at least i dun have to worry the roller coaster ride in my life. monotonous life is ok for me. i just wan peace. now who reali do care for me? no one :) i'm better off alone.

it's reali funny sometimes. the moment my fb status changed to "single" all the flies comes flocking by. even old flames whom i use to love alot and rejected me alot came by. reali wondering wat humans are tinking sometimes. i dunno.. but when i see the way they're talking to me now reali makes me wanna laugh. i used to give up everything for him and got myself so down n broken over him. now he came back? wat does he wan? reali ironic. but one thing i'm sure. it's all in the past. i wont even take a glance at him. it's too late isnt it? lol~ trying to grab hold of me now that i'm single. i reali dun tink it'll work. it onli make me wanna laugh reali hard lol. and seeing those guys that can show me sooooooo much concerns i dunno wanna say a "thank u for ur concern" or "stop being so fake" lol. it's like~ there's always a motive. truly lost faith in guys alr. they can be so damn nice and treat u like their world in the beginning but after awhile things wil definitely change. beautiful things dun last :) anyway the guy that i mentioned. is currently a big joke in my life. seeing that he's trying alot of ways to get me. but i'm sry i no longer feel anything for u. u gave it up not me. u totally tarnished me and break me into pieces. now u wanna glue everything back? sry i cant do it :) gd frens we shall be and i hope i get the respect. another thing i'm rather confused over.. to change for someone for a beautiful future isit reali that hard? =\ i'm posting the question to myself too. hais. i detest my past and my lifestyle. when i truly get the ans, it might all be too late. oh well.. wat belongs to me wil belong to me one day :) i'm not all fine but i will be better. i no longer wanna feign a fake smile anymore. it's tiring. just let me be alone for awhile til i can smile again. i'm very touch to all my frens who truly cared. my brother being so bothered by my things even on his bday. truly thankful :) sms from my more thn 10 yr sister. reali appreciate. and not forgetting rena and gina for caring no matter wat happened. last and not least, my dearest mum who have been very worried since she got the news. but i'm proud to say i'm doin gd infront of her. even if i'm feigning.. i just wan her to be happy.

i honestly stil love u.
sigh