Melody of my Life..

I'm exhausted..
today went to jean yip novena to do facial.. went to find limin.. hmm very shiok la.. haha.. hmm she ask me bout him.. well i told her it's over le lo.. thn she's quite shock la.. oh well.. nothin to be shocked bout la.. haha.. i've thot about our r/s times and times again.. i juz felt this feelin which is very scary.. i felt that we were nt even tgt b4.. it's like juz a dream.. the feeling is very very weird.. it's like does he reali exist in my life? even as a fren? like wat irene say.. maybe it's like wat she feel between her n ter.. it's like either she love him.. or NOTHIN.. they cannot be fren.. this is very complicated.. hmm.. i feel he's from another world and bang into my world and left a deep footprint in my "home" and left juz liddat back to his world.. =\ wow sounds so.. i dunno wat to say.. but i juz reali feel weird.. or maybe i never ever been in his world n he nv been in mine? OMG wat is this? why am i feelin so weirdly? =\ and i thot bout it too.. he's the kinda guy i wan.. and YES he's the one i wan the most in my life! his character his everythin.. but he's not wat i need.. i dunno but i feel he cannot protect me the way i need.. he cannot love me the way i need.. now is a complication of NEED and WAN.. now is i wan him but i dun need him.. but to him, i feel it's i'm wat he needs but he dun wan.. =\ tat's wat i feel la.. like i've said.. maybe i wasnt gd enough for him.. look at my past.. i was a bad girl.. bad til rotten.. =\ but he's such a perfect guy.. he had such a clean background..emi said cannot look at background de ma.. yea true.. but it somehow wil have effect on how u treat ur partner rite? i dunno how to say this.. but i noe if noli he loves me.. hais.. nvm ba i'll take it that the rite guy appeared.. yes he did!! and that's him.. but at the wrong timing.. =\ very wrong timing.. well.. who noes wat'll happen in the future.. now i reali wonder.. do he stil miss the shooting star he once likes? do he stil like shooting star? if no.. wil he like shooting star again? =\ i dunno.. but i noe for me is i love banana.. and i try to accept the lost banana.. but i stil lost the banana that i love.. n now banana wil always be in my mind.. he's the one i love, he's the one i trust, he's the one i'll miss.. no one else.. maybe.. maybe banana wil reali be gone forever.. he had found his happiness somewhere.. and he'll nv wanna see this shootingstar that he once loved again.. hais.. poor shooting star.. well in the first place i've said.. shooting star are meant to be alone.. travel alone and burning their flame no matter how tiring it gets.. til the day the flame dies off and that's when the shooting star ends her life.. and her mission is complete.. to brighten up ppl's life.. i'm nt bein thick skin or wat.. but i'm sure i did brighten up his life at least in the beginning.. i'm the shelter he turned to when he's down.. i'm the one he chose to love when he took a break from loving her.. but.. i'm onli a "shelter in the rain".. when the rain stop.. he'll leave n continue things he do.. and this shelter is always left there waiting for him to come back again.. but if he nv does the shelter stil stays there no matter rain or shine.. i reali felt this way.. when he say he love her again.. this thing strikes me.. "wow i'm onli a shelter for him in the rain.." =\ hais.. how stupid can i be.. where's my shelter thn? i never had a shelter n never believed in finding one.. but why is it so unfair? i reali dunno.. i bein nicebein a shelter for ppl.. yet i got al the hurts and scars.. i have to shed tears for the person when he leaves.. i have to wait for them to come back and can nv find them.. and now.. when this shelter is waiting here al alone sadly.. he's there happying with his life.. happying with the one he love.. wow.. how nice can this feelin be man.. oh well.. like the song said "knowing that u n ur love one is so sweet, that's y i kept quiet n looked after u.. i can onli keep quiet n stand back suffering the pain in silence.." this is reali true for me man.. my tears have been rollin this few days.. i thot i was numb.. but no.. the feelin is stil there.. =\ today's first day of the lunar year.. yet i do not have any mood for it.. i dun feel happy at al.. i dun even feel like doin anythin except to sit down drink n chill and juz tink of things.. hais.. wat's wrong with me??? y do i miss someone who might nt even miss me the bit? why muz i like someone who dun even give a shit bout my happiness? why why why?! why muz he appear? i noe he's the mr right that i wan but why muz he appear at this time? hais.. god.. u're playin with me rite.. pls dun play anymore.. i'm totally exhausted and drained.. pls god.. ur child i cryin.. desperately for ur help.. i dun wanna cry anymore! i dun wanna see tears anymore.. they're blurring my vision.. i dun wanna smoke so much anymore i dun wanna drink anymore i dun wanna be sad anymore.. but.. i cant =.................(