Melody of my Life..

Chose To Run..
argh.. yesterday performed at gotham penthouse.. the performance was ok.. did bring up the crowd but my knees' damn swollen now =\ the floor is super not suitable for dance! some parts damn rough some parts damn slippery.. thn we carry on to party.. the whole idea is to make to crowd party.. and yes we did it.. i had to hide al my nonsensical feelings thru out the nite.. =\ he did not wanna come see the performance.. he did not wanna meet up after that either.. =\ i ask him to meet today he said see how =\ OMG i affected can i be.. if things weren't liddat i'm sure i wont be tat affected.. but the truth is things ARE liddat =\ i did hide my feelings n tried to act as happy as i could when i was there.. but somehow when the party ended and we stayed on to chill.. somehow i guess my feelins is beginning to show =\ i sat there with cedric n drink.. thn he asked "is there anythin wrong?" wahbiang.. i hide til so gd he stil can see??? OMG thn followed my huron, darren, andrew.. blah blah blah.. =\ got so jialat meh? =\ th romeo asked me "wah got bf le ar.. haha" tat should be something very happy about.. but.. my reespond is.. "ya..=\" thn he's like "huh.. y liddat?" i juz smiled n kept quiet.. thru out the nite.. they juz acc me there.. they enjoyed themselves on the dance floor but i juz sat there with cedric n leon.. i always thinks that cedric is a very understandin fren.. can always throw my feelings out to him.. thou he wont respond much but he'll juz listen.. i guess gary knew i was sad too.. thn he actually ask me to drink.. i drank alot.. til i was abit tipsy.. thn they pulled me to the dance floor.. i dance abit.. but cos i wanna avoid troubles so i tried not to dance.. =\ ok nothin happened.. lucky! thn dharni wanted to go to liquid room.. so we went over.. ash was drunk.. thn she ask me wanna drink more ornt.. i said ok.. so we went to drink.. quite alot! =\ thn i KO liao.. i dunno how the hell they got me out of there and the next thing i noe is i'm in cad with cedric already.. haha kinda funny =\ ok i was TAT drunk =\ til i dunno wat's goin on.. haha.. thn cedric acc me thru the nite at my place listening to my nonsence.. WHOLE NITE! OMG reali felt damn bad.. i cried whole nite i guess cos my eyes were swollen this morning.. SEE! i said i shouldnt drink.. argh! stupid me! i told cedric everythin i guess.. and this morning when i woke up he juz pat my head and ask me to "be strong! stand firm.." heh? lol! wah the whole nite al i could remember is i kept callin dearie's hp.. but he nv on =\ WABIANG! maybe it's a gd thing la.. if nt maybe i'll cause more trouble for him =\ i sms him alot of nonsence as well.. this morning he sms me "wat happen u ok?" thn i'm like huh??? lol~ i didnt noe i did sms him.. haha! so i went to check my sent items.. OMG! i sms him nonsence sia!!! argh! but i mean those sms ba.. =\ when a person's drunk watever he/she said is always the truth.. tat goes to me as well! hais.. how i wish he's there ytd.. i terribly need a hug from him.. juz now i called him.. argh! emo again =\ i noe i shouldnt! but wahhhh damn long nv emo le.. felt like shit sia! OMG when wil this misery end?! i reali wanna be happy with him.. and i reali wanna see him truly happy as well.. =\ i told some ppl i had plans.. for our r/s.. but they say it maybe nt a gd idea =\ they suggested something else.. to drag the plan longer.. ok.. maybe i should.. =\ since things are already liddat.. might as well follow wat they say ba.. well.. outsiders are always clearer thn us who's blinded by love.. esp me when i'm like extremely blinded now =\ oh ya.. justina asked me too.. "ur bf ar?" when she saw my hp wallpaper.. i say ya.. thn she's like "eh.. first time see u so sad when got bf lei.. u siao ar?" =\ hmm well.. i didnt noe how to respond.. so i juz smiled n kept quiet.. she thn ask me more bout dearie lo.. like "how old?" "singaporean?" "how u noe him?" wahh when she ask how i noe him.. thn i tink bout the past! ARGH!!!! my god! thn i tink bout he'll nv wanna see me.. he'll nv wana haer my voice.. he'll nv wanna love me the way he did.. =\ i dunno la but these juz strike my mind =\ th today i ask him "do u hate me?" i mean it's like i've cause him al the troubles now.. i've made him sad.. i've made him worried bout so many things.. but his reply is "no.." i thot it would be a yes.. =\ or a abit.. thank god it's a no ba.. i dun wan him to hate me! if he ever say "i hate u" to me.. wahh i can tell u.. tat's it! everythin's gone.. he'll lost me forever! and i swear the stupid love n hate feeling wil stay in me again! it's the suckiest thing that can ever happen.. when someone u love say "i hate u" OMG! reali cannot imagine that.. that'll be a big "BANG" to me la.. in fact anyone who hate me wil reali lost me forever.. even as a fren.. once the words are out.. tat's it man.. =\ now i reali wonder.. does he stil love me? reali man.. tat question is killin me.. i mean i dun wan any of us to lost one another thn realise we stil love each other.. cos i believe once a r/s is broken, things can never be the same again.. i patched with my ex b4 and i thot things can be the same.. cos i always thot we haven reali ended yet at tat time.. i thot we stil got things to do.. but no i was wrong.. =\ things have reali ended when we patch.. i realise he's diff and i'm diff.. we had both changed into someone even we ourselve dun reali noe.. it's rather sad thou.. but i noe i've move on.. now i'm stuck again.. =\ but things arent that bad after al.. maybe he stil love me.. juz tat the feelings are so inside him that he haven see them.. it's juz covered ba.. but i dunno la.. maybe i'm tryin to make myself happy by thinkin tat way.. =\ but dunno la.. ARGH! nvm.. i'm sure of my feelings can le.. and i am VERY VERY sure that I LOVE HIM-JONATHAN JAMES DANKER! >.<
p/s:my title is chose to run cos i feel i wanna get drunk n forget everythin.. but i noe it aint the rite thing to do cos now's the time i have to stay 100% sober to noe wat i am doin.. but ytd i chose to run.. yes.. i chose not to face it and RUNNNNNNN!