Melody of my Life..

Empty..
today went to MOX with sii.. drank garveyard n waterfall.. waterfall's nice.. reali nice.. oh well.. the graveyard is exactly my feeling today.. =\ the last time i drank it i got the feelin that i'm the passerby who see ppl getting buried.. but now.. i feel i'm the one being buried =\ why is that so? is it me feeling the drink? =\ i dun wan man.. but when at MOX, this guy talk to me abit.. he made me realise that i'm in love.. =\ it's not liking him.. but loving him =\ shit man.. i dun wan.. but i got no choice.. argh..!

freak la! i dun understand.. i juz dun.. how can i fall within 2weeks?? how can i?! arghhhhh! i wann die.. i reali wish i can.. but no.. i have to be strong.. be strong for my frens.. my mum.. be strong for him.. =\ he's on my mind like every single minute.. =\ i couldnt slp today.. i keep wakin up.. checkin my hp.. hopin to receive his msg.. without realising that he's gone.. =\ never mine again.. thn til noon time i scolded myself.. i said "xinwei u betetr bloody wake up ur stupid dream.. u better bloody move on n be strong.." i wanted to cry.. i listened to my ipod.. i listen to the songs which can make me cry.. but no.. i couldnt.. =\ i thot to myself.. a gd cry thn move on..

but i couldnt.. i reali couldnt.. =\ memories for this 2weeks keep comin back to me.. the chats we had.. the smses.. the very first time i saw him.. which is like longgg ago.. the very first feeling i had.. "oh man this guy's cute!" til the day i told kelvin bout my eyecandy.. he gave me his frenster.. i was stupid enuff to msg him on frenster.. =\ i should have juz keep him as a eyecandy.. maybe i'll be happier.. =
i dunno.. but have i did the wrong thing? by noeing him? by tellin him i like him? by wakin him up? =\ by wakin him, i've cause myself to lost the one i love.. i dun wish to use the word "love" but.. the fact it is.. "love"..

i'm feelin damn shitty.. he scolded me.. =\ heartbreaks.. but i noe is for my own gd.. he cares.. but i guess i let him down.. =\ i guess he felt not appreciated.. but i seriously do appreciates it.. =\ i told him can dun care bout me if it makes him stress.. =\ now i regret sayin it.. cos seriously in me.. i wan him to care.. who the hell dun wish the person u love care for u? who the hell doesnt wan him/her to care for u? =
i was drunk.. i dunno wat i was talkin.. but emi said "when one's drunk.. the truth u speak" so i guess i reali love him =\ that moment i wanted to sms si.. i said something like "i tink i love him" but i accidentally send it to him =\ al i could remember at that time is he's on my mind.. i could remember his number so damn well that i juz keyed it in =
i dunno i dunno i dunno.. i reali dunno =
i wish to disappear.. i wish i wish i reali wish.. =( he say i cant handle things the rite way.. sadly i agree.. i'm juz so lousy.. so bad at it.. damn bad =\ i makke ppl ard me worry for me.. he's rite.. i dunno how to take care of myself.. yes i dun.. i tried my best.. i reali tried.. when i'm out.. i try my best to be happy.. i keep tellin myself "xinwei u gotta be happy.. gotta stay the happy xinwei" i did.. i didnt acted very sad when i'm out.. but why is it so that i can never noe how to control my feelings when i'm alone?

the moment i reach home, i cried.. tears start rollin.. i cant help but tink bout everythin again.. i cant help it! i said before "happy tgt if nt thn break up" i wanna be very fine with it.. i wanna take things real light.. i thot i could.. i reali thot.. but no! it dun seem that way.. =( it's not say forget thn forget.. it's not say move on thn move on.. it's not say it's the past thn it is.. IT'S NOT!!!

noe the song "waiting for u"? i'm waiting for u.. =( there's this sentence.. "why did u leave behind a chuck of misses to me?" why? =..( i'm waitin for him.. i dun wan to.. but i am! =\ i reali am doin that.. i'm sti living the lie.. i noe i have to wake up.. wake this silly idea of mine.. i said i had no confidence in him.. but i had so damn much confidence in our r/s =\ i shudnt have.. i reali shudnt have..

when at PS today i saw this glitter.. it's gold.. i wanted to buy it thn make a bermuda for him =\ thn i thot to myself again.. NO! it's NO MORE! stop treatin him like a bf or anythin liddat!! =( my heart crack when i said that to myself.. i've planned everythin.. like.. our 1st month.. our outings.. our lil lil dates.. but i guess it's al gone down the drain..

i remember when vith broke up with emi.. emi said this "walao i plan everythin le lei.. our 1st month everythin.." now i felt her feelin at that time.. it's reali a "Down the drain" feeling.. =( i guess i reali need to take a break.. i'm startin to talk nonsense.. am being abit outta my mind this few days.. i needa dance.. i needa play.. i needa get crazy.. i needa relax.. =( i dun wanna continue doin nonsensical things n lost him totally =\ i dun wanna lose my special someone.. i reali dun wan! i thot i lost him juz now =\ when he said he's not gonna care.. i've never felt that shattered =..(

he keep sayin he's a bastard.. but NOOOOOO! ppl.. stop thinkin he's one ok!! pls pls pls.. i beg al of u.. he's not ok.. he reali is not.. like wat i told him.. it takes 2 hands to clap.. if he's a bastard in our r/s.. thn i muz be a bitch too.. so please ok.. he's nice.. reali..

i'm glad i'm stil a eyecandy to him.. at least am stil special in certain way i hope..

-where's my love.. where's my dream.. where's my superduper boy.. =.......(-