who knows when will it be?

just having some thots that got me al emo-ed up.. so decided to dump my emo-ness out here in my rubbish blog ^^ on the way home, i asked him this.. "why u so hong?" ok i noe it's a "WTF" kinda thing to ask.. but this question reali rings in my head and i guess it's the main thing that caused this insecurity in me.. he was a hongster (for sure).. but he said he's cutting down..

i cant help but to wonder.. why cut down? i mean.. why is it ONLY cutting down? hmm~ i noe i shud give him more time to reali cut OFF totally.. i'm not complaining! i'm juz.. ranting on my rubbish bloggy =x how long wil it take? or rather.. wil it actually be cut off? (i wonder) it definitely dun feel gd seeing the word "dear" on ur own bf's phone when the person that texted that is not u.. it certainly cant helped but made my mind wonder off in lalaland again even if i dun wish to..

trust.. need to be build.. trust.. is something VERY important in a r/s.. trust.. is al i need to make things work.. it's al that's needed to remove the insecurity in me.. i know i need to build that trust.. i need to get that ASAP before everything crumples down.. who'd help me along with the construction of that foundation of trust? will you..? it's weird how i can actually love him YET not trust him fully.. it's weird in fact.. how i can actually fall for a hongster or ex-hongster to begin with =\

i wish one day that i can proudly shout to the entire world that "he belongs to me ALONE" i wish one day i can trust him so much that even if were apart, i wont feel lonely.. this is al i wished for.. i tend to let my imagination run very wild.. i tend to make myself worry for nothing and i know i'm VERY famous for creating trouble between me n my bf over nothing.. yes i noe it's dumb when i noe yet i do it.. but i cant help it! :(

RAHHHHHHH~

dumb dumb iko~ dumb dumb me~
may the goddess of trust and security shines on me.. amen~

i'm a moodswing queen

i heart sank when something was received from him.. sigh~ he told me not to find him on his bday.. i mean.. can find but onli on phone n ways which does not include meeting up.. why? i have no idea :( sigh~ to me.. birthdays, festives, anniversaries etc.. are days which i wish to spend with the most special person in my life.. many of u wil noe.. birthdays to me are something NOT SMALL.. not small at all.. sigh~

i noe he have his own reasons.. he's stil not open enuff towards me.. the barrier is too big to overcome neither by him nor me.. this is wat i can feel.. this is wat i get from my ways of lookin at a person.. he maybe chirpy and always smiling ard me.. but i noe deep within.. things are definitely not wat i can see with my eyes.. i dun wanna ask much either even thou my heart's dying to know him more..

but thn again i ask myself.. did i reali 100% open myself to him? aha~ the ans i guess is no ba.. i'm stil not able to be the crazy lazy ugly (character wise) iko infront of him.. oh well.. i guess time is everything here.. maybe i shud open up my heart before he does.. maybe he'll never open his heart.. i dunno... i'm juz make a bet.. a 50/50 bet.. i'm sad.. i'm disappointed.. but oh well.. there's nothing i can do ya? if there is.. God~ pls tell me.. :(

al i wish for is pure transparency..
lost iko :(

It's been a long time~

this is weird but i gotta say.. it's been a long time since i last felt this way in a r/s.. yes! i'm in a whole new r/s ^^ fast? ya maybe.. iko always this fast.. it's not something i wished for either.. but those that understands, understands :) from the last r/s i had.. my heart felt so dead.. i did post a post about it and i dun wish to dwell on it anymore.. a whole new r/s a whole new me.. well maybe not exactly a new iko but stil i'm gonna start from zero..

i dun feel anything wrong except that this is moving slowly and i'm kinda not used to it.. but it's a VERY good thing after all ^^ this is the way it shud have been isnt it? XD WG had gotten too much of me and i've went so far that i tink i myself cant even catch up with my own pace =\ yes.. WG is a dangerous place.. so pls.. stay far from it.. onli ppl like me and a few frens who had been terribly trempled on and had been enlightened could stay in there for long..

anyway.. yup i'm indeed once again a blissful girl.. felt so blessed once again.. i noe i've always been against being in a r/s with someone younger (cos of previous ultra failed r/s) but this time i felt so different. so very different :) i felt so.. blessed and sweet ^^ this feeling brings me back to those super naive iko days XD it's not a bad thing thou ^^ something pure.. nice and sweet.. it's stil the beginning thou haha =x let's see what chapter this wil be ^^

211107
loving you..

madness in me~

recently have been in a super unstable mode =\ emo up emo down.. i guess my brain de system abit hay wired le =\ jiuming ar X( ytd had a GREAT cry XD it's been sooooo long since i last cried la haha~ (i mean cried til liddat) shiok~ while emo-ing this song rang in my head.. i know i post this song like 432769528375times in my blog before but i STILL wanna post it again =x the lyrics seriously hit me hard on the head and ring some words in me.. seriously there's alot to blog bout.. but i juz dun have the right mind to tink which keys i shud hit on my keyboard to make it a nice post.. so i decided to post again soon =x



Before i fall in love - coco lee

My heart says we've got something real
Can I trust the way I feel
'Cause my heart's been fooled before
Am I just seeing what I want to see
Or is it true, could you really be

Someone to have and hold
With all my heart and soul
I need to know, before I fall in love
Someone who'll stay around
Through all my ups and downs
Please tell me now, before I fall in love

I'm at the point of no return
So afraid of getting burned
But I want to take a chance
Please give me a reason to believe
Say, you're the one
That you'll always be

It's been so hard for me
To give my heart away
But I would give my everything
Just to hear you say..


confused..
emptied..
lost..
dead~

heartbreaks.

heart breaks after heart breaks. wat more can life be? why am i in this rotten life again? this sucks.. seriously.. why is it always girls the ones that suffers? does guys actually understand wat we're thinking? somehow i wish to leave this place.. leave this rotten place that's filled with heartbreaks. i dun deny there's beautiful memories here.. i dun deny there's wonderful frens here. and this is where i grew up.. but still.. it's far too rotten..

i wish to leave this place.. i wish to be away. maybe when i'm reali gone, ppl wil start to cherish me.. or maybe when i'm gone, no difference wil there be... i dunno.. i seems like nothing to everyone.. i seem like juz another soul surviving in this world.. another soul there to let ppl step al over me.. i felt so down.. so trampled by all.. so.. useless..

what difference do i made being in this world? why is the world so ugly? why is everything so surface? when wil i ever find someone that truly know me within and cherish me from within? i can be someone popular.. i can be someone everyone wants to get close to. but wat's the point when everyone does that surfacely? i dunno which is more important now.. i used to think as long i have a normal looking appearance with a beautiful heart.. that's enuff..

but the world seems so demanding now that my thots have changed.. shud i be more selfish and wants the best out of everything? or shud i stay the same iko that stays contented? i'm lost.. very lost..

i've turned my back on this world..

totally shattered..

my heart was stabbed to death on 21st october 2007. sometimes i wish i was the blur and stupid type that always dun wanna find out truths. truths' out, promises broken. i remained nice even when we broke up.. wat do i get back? fuck up attitudes.. he say he treat al his frens with that kind of attitude? laugh-my-ass-off!! ppl ard us with eyes al can see what's the difference. everyone knows.. no one's siding whoever..

even if he reali treats al his frens liddat.. al i can say is.. i pity his frens.. i can be witness.. that his frens mostly are very nice ppl. and by being such a nice fren, they get this kinda attitude from him?! oh-my-god.. how unlucky.. i've already been thru it this few days/weeks.. i've seen the true colours of one person i used to love so much. it's so scary.. seriously scary.. i seem like i never known this guy at all.. why?! he told me this is the real him.. omfg~ spare me the shock pls.

haven i been nice enuff? i've always worried for his everything.. those who're close knows everything.. i dun wanna say here.. it's nothing nice anyway.. i give up.. i dun wanna be a toy anymore.. no longer a puppet with a nice and soft heart.. no more~ since things are liddta now.. i shall be someone u guys never know.. iko's dead.. the jeremy i used to loved is dead.. i dun recognise him anymore.. and i shall bury al the memories we had and never touch them again.

i admit there's stil abit of unbearingness in me to let go.. i thot we had a chance to be tgt again one fine day. i thot.. now it's al shattered.. dun wry.. i cried cos i juz had a tripped on a rock.. i injured myself.. the wound's deep.. and they juz rubbed salt into it.. i wil recover soon.. very very soon.. nothing can bring me down. i shall live my new life once again.. i shall be a hppy girl once again. i wont ever ever cry for useless things again..

i will move on..
i dun need u..
get lost..

放开手

把回忆封锁在遥远的地带 提起勇气去面对新的未来
已不能做什么 只能交给命运去安排 可能有些事我们都看不开

为什么要失去才懂得珍惜 后悔却压抑不了倔强的心
心灵那么接近却又不近 被误解隔离 能否找一个方式说对不起

放开手要迎接新的未来 可怜的我却还是依赖
你的爱我永远不忘怀 共度的日子锁在脑海
最后演变成相互伤害 相信我们彼此都感慨 感情变质了默契却还在

说不出口的悲哀 不愿离开 一个人独自承受快乐悲哀
已不能做什么 只能交给命运去安排 可能最终注定我们要分开

。。。

=(

***maybe one day i reali have to let go***