Melody of my Life..

it juz hurts so much when truth smacks in ur face.. when i chose to trust him when i chose to let go and dive in this love once again.. ugly truths shows.. disappointed, lost, confuse, speechless is my reaction when i see those ugly truths with my own eyes.. indeed, this kinda things did happen to me before but i didnt get it rite infront of my face and i didnt have to deal with it.. why? because i was stupid enough to keep quiet bout it and juz slowly being treated like a fool..

but now.. iko's no longer stupid.. i promise not to let myself get hurt again.. never to.. i chose to stand up for wat i wan.. i chose to stand up for myself and not to run and hide and cry in my own lil closet.. at least now i cry out loud.. even if it's to myself, i'm glad i stood up for myself.. al the confrontations might make me lose him.. al the confrontation might juz end everything within today.. but stil, i chose it.. because i noe wat's meant to be, wil be..

i noe he did try to apologise and make me feel better this few days.. but the incident juz keep haunting me.. i haven been myself after that happened.. when we were at the ktv, the song "i dun wanna fight no more" reali hit me.. i honestly truly, dun wanna fight anymore.. be it whichever way u're lookin at it.. be it fight as in quarrels, or fight as in fighting my own struggles of the insecurity in me.. i'm tired.. i'm drained.. i wan to be love.. i dun wanna get hurt..

i'm someone with not much patience when kept hanging there.. i've always been silly enuff to wait and wait.. things always ended up in vain.. so i promise myself not to let myself down again.. i noe i'm selfish.. but why cant i? i've never love myself in my past 19 yrs.. from now on, i chose to love myself.. even if i dunno how to, but stil i'll learn.. i hate to lose him.. i hate to fight with him.. but sometimes when things goes reali wrong, i have no other choice i guess.. if i could i wish i could understand him alot more.. but wat else can i do? he's not opening his heart to me at all..

i wish to talk to him too.. some nice heart to heart talk.. but how?? his closeness of the dorrs of his heart, made me cant seem to open mine too.. i have soooooooo much to say to him.. but how?! :( i thot he's someone i can reali count on.. i thot he's someone i truly can slowly place my heart in.. but that incident brought down my trust for him way too much.. i wish to trust him again.. i wish to ignore that incident.. but i guess it's too hard for me :(

ya.. maybe some of u esp him, might tink that it's no big deal.. but wat if it happens the other way round? if i'm the one in his position and he's in mine.. i bet things might be worst.. his ego would have blew everything out.. i have my ego too.. i noe i've always been nice and calm bout things.. but i too have my ego.. i juz chose to hide them when it's not neccessary.. but stil the old saying, i cant accept my other half to betray me.. i cant except my other half to have other girls in their heart and mind other thn me.. likewise.. i cant allow myself to have more thn 1 guy in my heart n mind too..

so wat am i gonna do? i dunno.. i reali dunno.. i feel strengthless to move on.. i feel strengthless to deal with anymore blows.. i've been crying alot lately.. and i mean alot :( he's reali affecting my life and yes i'm very into him.. but i would not force anything anymore.. i wont beg him to stay if he choose to leave.. and i wont tie him down if he chooses freedom.. if he want me, he'll do everything to get me.. if he doesnt, it juz shows he doesnt wan me enuff.. i admit days with him are happy.. he made me felt loved and he cared.. he search for me when i go missing and his hugs are truly warm..

yes it's wat i wan.. but if he cant make me the onli one, i guess i wont wanna be involve in it anymore.. i dun wanna fall deeper and get myself hurt al over once more.. yes i'm already very hurt by now that the fact things are now.. how do i give us another chance? how do i trust him again? :( i reali dunno..

it's juz gonna be another nite
that my tears burn thru the pillow
crying in my own corner
suffering al alone..