asthma attacked after a good 20 years..
eyes swell like goldfish..
i cried too hard..

was hoping i could get drunk and concussed this entire weekend so i dun have to tink of anything. but i guess, it isnt tat easy uh? apparently, the more i wanna get drunk, the harder it is.

i've smoked more thn a pack, near 2, onli today..
i was having some wines, beers and wines..
but.. why am i stil nt drunk???

cried my hearts out while playing some worship songs.. knelt down n pray. for things to work out watever it is. sincerely asked for God's guidance and healing to come over my heart now. like RIGHT NOW!

i dun wanna wry anyone so i've been all smiley and acted happy. i'm not that strong u noe?


sudden feeling of being all alone..
sudden feeling of i'm forsaken..
sudden missing u..

p/s: all these breaks my heart. u mentioned that i can lay down my strong front infront of u. but now? sigh..

Nobody knows it but me

A beautiful and sad song which sang my heart out totally..

All we'd ever need - Lady Antebellum



Boy it's been all this time
And I can't get you off my mind
And nobody knows it but me

I stare at your photograph
Still sleep in the shirt you left
And nobody knows it but me

Everyday I wipe my tears away
So many nights I've prayed for you to say

I should've been chasing you
I should've been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
I should've said all the things that I kept inside of me
And maybe I could've made you believe
That what we had was all we'd ever need

My friends think I'm moving on
But the truth is I'm not that strong
And nobody knows it but me

And I've kept all the words you said
In a box underneath my bed
And nobody knows it but me

But if you're happy I'll get through somehow
But the truth is that I've been screaming out

I should've been chasing you
I should've been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
I should've said all the things that I kept inside of me
And maybe I could've made you believe
That what we had was all we'd ever need

I should've been chasing you
You should've been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
Oh you should've said all the things
That I kept inside of me
And maybe you could've made me believe
That what we had girl
Oh that what we had, what we had
It was all we'd ever need
It was all we'd ever need 

Nobody knows it but me.. sigh.. :(

peaceful

spent a unexpected night and day with him.
hmm.. everything seems normal and just smooth..
i didnt noe how to react, i didnt now how to handle.
but i guess things just goes as it is.
each time i tink of our rs.. i find it reali amusing..
from stranger, to colleague, to fren, to crush, to lover, to i dunno wat are we now..
a short 4mths but so many things happened.
i used to cant reali be myself infront of him.
i had this very uptight feeling when i was with him (dun ask me why i got no idea)
and it was til ytd, i realise i can reali just be myself when i was with him.
just slp in funny position i like, remove my make up show my naked face..
i just dun have to put on any act.
perhaps, i was reali tired too.. just dunno how to handle our rs and dun wanna handle anymore.
well.. today was a exceptional surprise..
usua;;y aft his place, i'd just go home on my own n thn that's it..
today, he sent me home and before that, we went to eat at bedok reservior this wawawa bistro..
dun like the idea that he doesnt wanna eat and drink beer when drives.
wat's worst, he noe i dun like him drinking especially when he's on medication and drives..
YET he stil does it. well.. i dun wanna say anything. i'm in no position anyway.
it's his life :)

out of these 4 mths, other thn my lovely bfast day, today is one wonderful day i had with him. thou the feeling is very different, but i felt peaceful, calm.. perhaps we shud just let things stay this way. i like n enjoyed his company.. totally. and i dun wanna ask for anything alr. this is enough :)

:)

gotten my result today for my accounting and management.. i screamed when i got a credit for accounting and distinction for management.. i was super happy and gina and jie was like "siao zhar bor!" i got super excited and wanted to share the excitement with u.. thn i realise.. it's too late.. yup.. i've lost u officially. just feel that we shouldnt taint our beautiful memories. just leave it as beautiful as it is. that'll do..

曾经在乎天长地久，如今只能满足曾经拥有.. 爱过了，痛过了，不想再吵了.. 让我们之间就只有那些美丽的回忆吧.. 别再去伤害我们只剩下唯一美好的东西了，好吗？ 真的很累了..
 

distract..

been trying very hard to act happy and distract myself from the pains..
met up with croy n yaggy for some sc time at starbucks..
well.. couldnt reali focus on game.. when they talk, i always was drifting away..
randomly, a fren text me "cheer up".. nearly cried :(
i know i have lost him..
but i'm stil awaitin for a miracle that he can contact me again..
it's such a small issue yet i've lost him..
i find it pretty ridiculous..
and i dun understand how can he just cut off all contacts just like that..
dun he miss me too?
are our memories that worthless to him?
i dunno.. i'm lost..

sigh..
thankfully, weekend's over.. just bury myself in work ba..
hais..

i miss u.

emptiness

woke up first thing, check my phone for his msges or calls.. no it didnt happen today.. felt a sudden sadness as i was reminded that i've lost him. cried a little, force myself back to slp again.. had a beautiful dream with him back to me again. doing things i've always wanted to do with him, going places i've always wanted to go with him. woke up again, feeling total emptiness. said a little prayer for my miracle and forces myself back to slp. finally woke up this timing and am in total emptiness once again.

told sis that i feel very lonely and sad. i need to talk to someone. but who? sigh. i miss his voice so much.. i miss his text so much.. i miss him so much. reali wish he could turn back to me again. reali wish to have him in my arms again. reali wish to be able to be doted by him again. reali wish.. i can be his girl again. he mention before he doesnt need me to be supergirl, he just need me to be his girl.. will this desire from him be here again? will he ever wan me again?

sigh..

flooded with sadness..

a little drunk..

i dun wanna make it look like i'm depressed to anyone who cared. so i got no place but to vent a little here. went out with fel for a little drink, been nagged at, scolded and blameed for the entire night. i know alright it's my fault for things happening now. i know that it;s my stupidity that ruinefd me. came home without being drunk as i have promised him.

feeling damn f up. have been holding my tears for the entire day. thou i broke down during one of the smk break. seeing him telling me he cares.. i was very happpy yet very sad. i lost him~~ i reali lost him this time. wanna jus bitch slap myself so much. why the fk am i doin this?! i know i'm stronger thn thiss. i dun wanna let go. not a single bit. i just feel reali lost. i;ve lost him. due to my own stupidity. God, pls tell me how i can earn him back.. i wil do any thing.. i swear i will..

this is too painful for me to bear.. i dun wanna losse him. i dun wanna die again with regrets.. i noe it's my fault. and i blame myself for being fking stupid. whyyyy?! why am i so stupid?! lord pls tell me. why?! reali screamed n cried my hearts out,. and i reali missed him. i dun wanna let him go,

he said dun make him regret turning back. i dunno wat it meant. turning back as a fren? or dun make him turning back to me previously? i dunno. but all i noe is. he meant the world to me.. my world is crushed. totally.. and now i'm crying very badly. i noe he dun wan these. he dotes on me. but.. sry baby. i cannot accept the fact that i lost u due to my own stupidity. how i wish for a chance to love him again. how i wish for a chance to be able to be there for him again. how i wish.. he's mine again.. i swear i wil never be angry at him again. i swear i will nv be a naughty girl he dislike again. just give me a miracle dear god. this is all i need.

i.... cant handle this pain.
please help...
i love u too much baby..
i will try be a happy girl for u.
but u do noe. that i cannot b truly happy ever again..
u're the reason  why i'm trying to smile and u're the reason why i'm crying..
and baby, love u a hell lot.
i wont ever walk out on u.
time wil prove and all i pray for is a chance to love him unconditionally again..
god please. i reali loved.
this is wat ur daughter wants. please dun remove it from my life.
if i ever have a chance again.. i'd give my all to just trust n love him..
i'm a fking sinner

我的你..

当初那么爱我的你，到哪里去了？
当初那么强烈的爱，消失了吗？
好想回到那时，能够对你撒娇，在你怀里静静的被你哄。。
我到底做错了什么？
为什么觉得全世界都能去爱你，我却连机会都没有？
就在这短短的1星期，我就失去了曾经在你心里的地位吗？
我。。 好想你。。 我。。 好想那个会想念我的你。。
我。。 好想那个很爱很爱我的你。。
你。。 真的不要我了吗？

:'(

:(

today is the day he's flying off.. wanted to send him away with a smile and let him enjoy his trip. but somehow.. shits do happen and things never go the way we expected ya? sigh. first thing in the morning saw him saying that someone went over to his place. i know maybe there's reali nth and it's reali just gd frens. but cant deny i'll feel shitty. i've been yearning for a chance to spend a night with him before he fly. he promised to have a night of hug-all-night to slp.. but it never happened. and someone else was over there? so that's how far i am away frm his priority uh..

i realised comparing now and few days ago.. misses from him were getting lesser.. loves from him were gone.. things have changed.. i know he've been putting in effort to show his care for me. and i've been trying to stay strong and be his happy girl. but everything came crushing down on me last night after hearing him talk about his ex(es).. the threatened feeling of "i'm gonna lose him" is back again.. sigh.. i tried to keep myself together and hold everything together. but this morning, i broke.

i told him we both need to take a step back and think of wat we reali wan. ya i know i just commit suicide to my own feelings. but i just thot that if we were to continue this dating/not dating kinda r/s.. we'll nv get anywhere. afterall, wat i wan is to finally be able to settle down. being in such situation will not help anything at all. i reali enjoy indulging in his love. indulging in his ever sweet doings. but i know what i wan is to settle down.

he mentioned that he wont be contacting me these 5 days. well.. i guess this is a real solid time off for both of us ba. sometimes, separation makes the heart grow fonder. missing someone lets u realise how much that someone means to u. if he miss me.. he'll come back. if not, than it has proven that the love between us isnt strong enough. like i said, i need him to wan me enough. i need him to love me enough. my heart breaks.. leaving everything to god now. i'm drained out.


my heart aches.. alot..
i pray for a miracle..
i'll miss u.

公主般的幸福

after being a happy little girl last night, i was a super duper happy princess this morning ^^

to stop myself from thinking the unneeded, i force myself to slp earlier last night.. KO at about 2am.. ya i know not very early but i tried! said a little thanksgiving prayer to daddy JC and still keeping my miracle request in my prayer. i was already very grateful for whatever that's going on last nite. and guess wat.. God doesnt stop blessing me! :) got his call at 5.30am and i jumped out of my bed. he just finish his appt and am at ECP. so he called to ask if i wanted bfast.. awwww so sweet! to tink of it, when was the last time someone actually ask me if i wan bfast and reali got them for me? deliver right to my place somemore :)

initially he said he just pass me the food and wil head home. but me decided to be a little naughty and say i want to spend some time with him. and yes! we spent sometime in his car and chatted, showing him vids of our co's awards night, laughing at some funny stuffs. it was a nice short meet up. and another thing i ask for - a hug :) and i got it! ^^ felt reali good being able to hug him again :) each time we hug, i just feel very comfortable. it's like.. i can put the rest of the world aside for awhile and just indulge in his presence.. he gave me a peck on my cheek and i teared. hmm.. just feel a little sad and happy at the same time.

highlight of my morning meet up with him. he gave a peck on my forehead.. my heart melted 101%.. being kissed is so common between couples.. but being kissed on your forehead.. priceless. i dunno if he means it that way. but all girls love forehead kisses. cos it simply means "I love you, and i wan to take care of you." It's the kiss that lets you know he's got your back. The kiss that separates the "I love you" from the "I'm in love with you."

I remember reading this somewhere in a article on different types of kisses "The forehead kiss is usually whipped out when the guy feels as comfortable around you as you feel and he wants you to know how much he cares about you without words." i certainly do wish that this is what he truly meant when he kissed my forehead. it felt.. magically wonderful :) and for that short moment, i was turned into a princess. a princess who felt total happiness. totally love. it feels reali good to be in his arms. just leaning on his shoulder, cuddling, kissing, looking at one another.

after which, gotta go home and prepare for work :( while otw home, i felt i'm crazily in love. this is consider one of the rare times when i dun get pissed AT ALL for being woken at 5.30am with 3hrs of slp. in fact, i felt recharged :) my day totally brightened up. even gina was asking me "why ur mood today so good ar?" tsktsk. it seems i'm more productive at work and my attitude is 101% good when my day started right :)

oh! and he got me my fave zui kueh! xD soooooooooo happy! he remembered that i mentioned before that i like the zui kueh from that particular stall :D but thn there's another pack of bee hoon which he initially bought lol~ and and! more surprise! my fave.. SKITTLES! *love love* all these overwhelming happiness reali made me feel that i was swept off my feet and fall all crazily in love again. how wonderful would it be if we're still dating.. i would be such a ultimately blessed girl to have him solely to myself. reality sucks uh? sigh~

and tomorrow he'd be leaving for HK :( 5 dayssssss..... ahhhhhh~ gonna feel so alone and down again :( the fear of losing him is back :( afterall, i always lose him aft a trip.. phobia alr :( and.. was on the phone with him and he mentioned about her again.. i thought.. she can finally be out of the picture. but.. hais.. and she's asking him to travel.. i have a thought now. if it comes true. i tink.. i might.. i would.. hmm~ lets see.

my heart cannot take anymore such roller coaster rides..
i turned back and accepted him cos i know i stil love him and didnt want to give up..
i turned back because i wanted to give us both a chance.
i turned back because i know he is what i want..
but i reali cannot accept complications anymore..
i dun wanna go back to those days constantly having to wry that i'd be abandon any time.
i dun wanna go back fighting with someone else over a love one..
i dun wanna go back having to share..
i wanna be selfish.. for once.. he taught me to voice out wat i wan.. he taught me to be demanding..
and yes.. i tink i should be selfish now..
if i want him, i want him solely to myself.
no more sharing.

Happy :)

Had quite a rough day trying to get thru at work.. and got super worried aft his MIA for an entire day.. it's not that i worry he's with some other girls or he doesnt wan me anymore. I was worried that something bad might happen to him. He havent had enough rest, he drinks n drives, and his health isnt anywhere near pink. Couldnt reali focus on anything i do today :( just feel very restless and got very worked up once there's notifications or calls on my mobile. Struggled the day thru, and struggled to go lesson. Been praying as and when i can. Hoping he's fine.

Struggled badly in class tryin to sit down and stop moving ard. Trying hard to stop wrying. And than he finally text and call :) a huge load was off my worryin heart and was very thankful. he just kinda coma-ed in his slp.. haha xD chatted awhile and things were gd, oh and i caught a soft "miss u" while i was yaking away sharing with him the funny things in class. Awww~ i melted :) moving on, he mentioned that he's too lazy for a appt, gt it cancelled and decided to go club instead.. honestly.. i was upset. Nt angry, but just kinda upset and disappointed. I thought we could spend the night tgt.. i actually brought clothes and even bathing stuffs :/ but he didnt promise so its ok. I was more upset by the fact that he's been clubbing and he even chose club over wrk.. kinda disappointed.. :(

when he asked if i wanna join him, i'd love to. But thn again, i know guys need their own space. Especially him at this stage where he needs a break frm everything. I was tryin to put myself in his shoes.. tryin to rmb how much i hate it in the past when i was a clubber and my bf tried to stop me frm clubbin. it sucks to feel untrusted and it sucks to be stopped frm doin things u wanna do. So i decided to just let him have his space n have his fun. Afterall, if he's mine, he'll be mine.. right? I'm learning to trust him. and i'm learning to behave like a adult and treat him like a adult. The uneasy feeling is still here, afterall i do know that girls wil be ard him and physical contact cant be avoided. I do also know that alot of shits tend to have higher chance of happening in clubs. But i'm stil learning and trying :)

And after awhile, i gt a reali pleasant surprise :) he mention that he's gg for another appt and decided nt to club. I reali smiled :) i dunno if he's making this decision for not wanting me to be upset, but i'm still very happy. i just think, a guy should prioritize work thn play. Infact, not only guys.. every individual should. It's something we all hate. But well.. we have to grow up n know how to proritize and be responsible right? thou end of the day, he stil went out.. not a club thou at least reali is chillout and work related. again, i dunno isit for me, but still i'm happy :) just hope he doesnt drink too much and drive.


it's just small little things like this, that can make a silly girl like me smile :)
Thank u :)

the feeling i detest MOST >:(

again.. he's trying to push me away.
i dunno how much he reali wants me to leave..
the last time this happen, i was stubborn not to walk away.
the final thing that happened that made me walk away was his decision of settling down, with someone that's not me.

i didnt want to be a hinderance in his life.. i didnt want to make him waver..
i did not choose to walk away because i've stop loving.
i did not choose to walk away because i didnt want to wait on.
i did not choose to walk away because i wan to.

this time.. he's acting all the same again..
pushing me away, telling me to move on n saying stuffs i hate..
i had to make sure.. is this wat he TRULY wants?
if this is wat he truly wants, i'll just go back to the days how i walked away.
it isnt easy i swear. but since i done it once, i can do it twice.
life might turned a wreak for awhile, but that's the best i can do..
after talking on it, i'm glad the result wasnt the same :)
i teared.. yes in office.. fml!
but the gd thing about having small eyes? ppl cant tell :)

one or two of them caught it but i simply brush it off with "i chain-yawned" :p

i dun wanna be abandoned again :(

:)

Being able to text him all day, getting his calls on n off, seeing him again..
makes me a happy girl today :)

nearly got the urge to kiss him before we part ways and so got the urge to hug him tightly..
it was hard but gotta resist..

perhaps like he said.. wat's the diff of dating and now?
perhaps just couldnt call each other sweet names, couldnt be as sweet as and when we like, couldnt have physical contacts..

sad still.. but gotta stay contented.

i am greedy. but i gotta stay contented to be his happy girl..
i miss the hugs n kisses so damn much..

sigh~


I wan to always be that silly girl u likes.
I wan to always be the one who make u smile.
But i dun wan to piss u off ever again :(

Loves,
Your silly girl