sigh.. i'm suddenly flooded with the thoughts of travelling again :( i wish to go japan or korea or even taiwan :( and i wish to spend a white christmas one fine yr. when can it come true? sigh.. i was looking at fares to japan and taiwan on jetstar. they aren't anywhere near cheap :( back and forth will cost bout 800 plus just the tickets alone. booking hotels wil be another bomb. i dun mind not shopping nor playing. i just wanna spend a white xmas.. sigh. when wil it actually come true? i guess i'll need at least 5k to go there if i'm gonna include playing and shopping. and of cos to bring my mum there if possible and of cos with bf. i need a good get away :( maybe i could plan for next yr's christmas ba. i noe i have to save for house n stuffs but i reali wanna have a white xmas :( how i wish i can win some lottery or lucky draw with tickets to these places :( tinking back on my days in korea reali made me sooooooooooo missing the place. i didnts play much but i'm seriously missing the atmosphere and the life pace there. it's so nice! the weather the ppl the everything! although communication seriously broke down D: i miss the bbq and the cooling weather at nite when i walk down the hotel to the 7-11. i miss the cheappppp tibits there! :x oh well.. i miss korea :( but i wan japan this time!! T.T when can my wish come true? i promise myself i will travel to japan at least once every yr when my financial and house settles down. i promise i wil give myself nice xmas and nice bday if everything goes well :D ok i'm self consoling T.T but oh well.. JIAYOU JIAYOU JIAYOU!!!

i'm beginning to look at the ppl ard me with a different view.

i honestly tink no one truly wants me to be happy. ppl ard me are all fking selfish. before i go into that. i wanna define my meaning of "truly want someone to be happy". by saying that, u should not try to change what the person likes, do, habits etc.. by saying that u wouldnt find things to quarrel with him/her no matter how big the issue is. adults dun quarrel. adults negotiate and talk things through. by saying that, you'd give everything, do everything to make the person smile. you'd love without conditions. you wont expect anything in return for what u've done.

but hell no. those whom i thought love me, wants the best for me.. are all not tinking that way at all. if they truly wants me to smile they'd keep their comments to themselves. they dunno by their casual comments it'll hurt me alot? i dun voice out doesnt mean i'm fine. i just dun wanna make things ugly. but selfish as they are they mentioned "why would i wan those i love be to happy when i'm not even happy?" oh wow. what a selfish line. do i even have to care so much for their feelings anymore? always keeping things to myself when i dun feel happy. to all my frens and my mum.. i dun like you all to comment on my r/s. i dun like u al to comment on my bf. i dun like u all to even comment on anything i like. wanna comment? can. a casual remark wil do to my ears. not in somewhere the whole world would see. i dun like to hear "i dun like him" because it hurts alot. he is what i chose and what i like. so why do u even have to comment if u like him ornt? he's not ur bf. he's mine.

i also dun like it when the one love of my life kept finding things to quarrel with me. he says i'm selfish i'm ignorant and i'm a failed gf. i admit i'm not perfect. but do u have to rub salt into my wound? is that the way of loving someone? if they're just harsh words, shouldnt an apology be done after things have cooled? i dunno.. but he sound as if he love me so much and i'm everything to him. but is it really true? if that's the case shouldnt he just wan me to smile every single day of my life? thn why pick things to quarrel? he agreed with loving unconditionally. but he's totally not doing that. if one truly love unconditionally, one wont find things to quarrel. because u wont even be able to find things to quarrel over. compromising is good. but i tink i've compromised too much. i'm no longer myself. where is the iko that's always on and happy? where's the bubbly me? where's the me that cares about all my frens and bf and family's feelings? i dun tink i'm selfish here. everytime keeping things to myself. unhappy also keep inside. to avoid quarrels i kept them in. i never dared to voice out cos i was afraid to lose anyone. nv dared to voice out cos i was afraid to hurt anyone. but now what i see is them all being selfish?

i dunno about what is true frenship, true love, true kinship anymore. i feel so lost now that everything happened just like that and i'm the one that get affected the most. losing a sister losing a bf. i noe this sister hasnt been very happy about any of my bf. none of them she liked. and none of them like her too. but i just wanted to keep things in place so i just accepted both side's words and kept them to myself. i dun wan any conflicts but ppl say 子是包不住火的.. indeed so true. this conflict reali shot out today. and indeed i'm the one that get hurt the most. if she truly wan me to be happy why'd she comment on all my bf so negatively? she dunno that it'll scare them away? seeing me breaking up reali make her happy? bringing me down with "there's no true love in this world" makes her happy? i dunno anymore if she reali care for me or just being selfishly trying to make me like her.

i tink i'm tired of accepting everyone for who they are and trying to make myself fit into everyone's life. i cannot do it. i'm not as strong as i thought. i guess it'll be best if i'm all alone. at least i dun have to face quarrels. at least i dun have to worry the roller coaster ride in my life. monotonous life is ok for me. i just wan peace. now who reali do care for me? no one :) i'm better off alone.

it's reali funny sometimes. the moment my fb status changed to "single" all the flies comes flocking by. even old flames whom i use to love alot and rejected me alot came by. reali wondering wat humans are tinking sometimes. i dunno.. but when i see the way they're talking to me now reali makes me wanna laugh. i used to give up everything for him and got myself so down n broken over him. now he came back? wat does he wan? reali ironic. but one thing i'm sure. it's all in the past. i wont even take a glance at him. it's too late isnt it? lol~ trying to grab hold of me now that i'm single. i reali dun tink it'll work. it onli make me wanna laugh reali hard lol. and seeing those guys that can show me sooooooo much concerns i dunno wanna say a "thank u for ur concern" or "stop being so fake" lol. it's like~ there's always a motive. truly lost faith in guys alr. they can be so damn nice and treat u like their world in the beginning but after awhile things wil definitely change. beautiful things dun last :) anyway the guy that i mentioned. is currently a big joke in my life. seeing that he's trying alot of ways to get me. but i'm sry i no longer feel anything for u. u gave it up not me. u totally tarnished me and break me into pieces. now u wanna glue everything back? sry i cant do it :) gd frens we shall be and i hope i get the respect. another thing i'm rather confused over.. to change for someone for a beautiful future isit reali that hard? =\ i'm posting the question to myself too. hais. i detest my past and my lifestyle. when i truly get the ans, it might all be too late. oh well.. wat belongs to me wil belong to me one day :) i'm not all fine but i will be better. i no longer wanna feign a fake smile anymore. it's tiring. just let me be alone for awhile til i can smile again. i'm very touch to all my frens who truly cared. my brother being so bothered by my things even on his bday. truly thankful :) sms from my more thn 10 yr sister. reali appreciate. and not forgetting rena and gina for caring no matter wat happened. last and not least, my dearest mum who have been very worried since she got the news. but i'm proud to say i'm doin gd infront of her. even if i'm feigning.. i just wan her to be happy.

i honestly stil love u.
sigh

Just wanna share a song and a movie with anyone souls here. i dun care even if there isnt cos i just wanna keep a record of this show which i believe is PERFECT :) it's simply too amazing how a movie can portray so well the bondings in life. fatherly love, motherly love, brotherly and sister love. and of cos.. the love between a master and her dog. the bond they share is incomparable. a dog is truly a man's best fren. they're the ones that accepts us fully for who we are. dogs dun care if we're rich or poor, they dun care if we're beautiful or ugly, as long as we give them our heart, they'd love us more thn we love them. it's amazing how these creatures are much more wonderful thn humans sometimes. i'm ashame to be a human after witnessing so many true dog stories. and this shows somehow reminded me of my poor dawa who was set free by my mum few yrs back =\ hais. in the show the little girl fought so hard to get back mari but i did not do anything when dawa was gone. i hate myself for not having the courage to fight for wat i wanted. hais. i hope he's doing well thou.. dawa i miss u :(



and here's the ending song for it. very nice :)



dun ever call a dog, a lowly creature for we humans are much worst thn them.

have been feeling reali reali down ytd and today. was kinda thinking what on earth i've done to deserve this kind of life i'm having. no house, no money, no job, no life. why am i such a useless person living in this world wasting it's resources? sometimes i feel i'm much worst thn some beggers out there. at least they go out and beg for money. i dun even try to earn a living or make my life works. and he's totally not helping at all. throwing tantrums cos i neglect him and stuff. it's getting on my nerves actually. what do u expect me to do when i got totally NOTHING to do at home? of cos i find ways to entertain myself by anime-ing or gaming. and there i have a unhappy bf. i guess in the first place i shouldnt even have stayed over at his place. now he's so used to it he throws tantrums when we're seperated. he urges me to find a flat asap. but hello where can we get the money? i also noe find a flat i also wan to stay tgt. but reality is cruel! and wat's best, i'm been finding the flat for the past few days and he's not helping. i dun like this feeling at all. it feels back to those days when i'm desperate for a house and i'm all alone. i broke down once and nearly broke down twice. i thank god for making me stronger thn before thus saving myself from this very scary emotional blow. i reali am reaching my limit soon. i cannot stand someone throwing tantrums at me. i cannot stand having to take all these stress and load alone. it's F up! i'm giving up. i'm just goin to stop looking for a flat, stay at this single rm that we rented and just find a job and screw my life. life's been a fking bitch that reali reali makes me sick. had enough of all these. people gets spoilt, people gets all the luxury they have. i dun. but i'm not asking for them either. al i ask for it leniency in life so that i could fking survive. a place i call home. ppl i call families. that's just the simple life i wan. i dun see why it's so hard. argh FMLFMLFMLFMLFMLTTM!

It's been awhile since i last post. alot of ups and downs have happened for the past 3 months since i was away from my blog. Apr 17th, i've found my love. someone whom made me felt so special. Everything goes smoothly, sweet, nice, simple.. work at MBS was nice too. very fascinating and very nice new frens. but May 20th, i officially lost my job as a dealer thanks to CRA. i got no idea why they fail me and appealing is STILL in progress. after that, it's a nice long rest for a month with bf. started looking for job like crazy cos think of my house rent, tink of mum, tink of my future with bf. and now, got a job and signing the agreement this friday at Tangs as a CS. Just had a tiff with bf over some issues. to him, i'm a irresponsible, selfish gamer gf who totally dun tink of his feelings at all. to me, i'm just being who i am. i was bored stiffen at home. audi acc got banned, started mapling and kinda get hook without knowing. and bf snapped. wanted to go get some rest now but brain is filled with rights and wrongs. trying to find out why things can turn like this so suddenly. he dun like to express himself, or rather, he dun reali noe how to express himself. and so do i. maybe even worst on my part. i'm not use to saying "ily" anymore. i'm not use to being all sweet and mushy anymore. wondering where have that part of me gone to. sigh. decided to shift home so as not to piss him further. a lesson i learnt from stanley in sec sch when he n his ex gf had a tiff. "separation might not be a bad thing in a r/s. being separated helps both to realise how much place they stand in each others' heart. if by being separated, and you doesnt miss that someone as much, it simply means u're not in love." his r/s was reconciled by a short separation. but anyway.. yup, i'm packing my stuffs now. kinda emo but oh well, i'm a 23 yr old adult that shud not waste time on being emo anymore :) just a short story to share...



Girl A : Why must there be quarrels in a r/s?

Girl B : Well, love in not the power of everything in this universe. Afterall, humans are selfish creatures. We come alone and leave alone. We live for ourselves and we die for ourselves.

Girl A : But isnt there a saying "love overcomes all"?

Girl B : sometimes it does. But most of the time it doesnt. in this cruel society we live in, with all the stress and this fast pace, we're not allowed to waste time on being all lovey dovey. And also, Love does not consist of only happiness and laughters. It consist a high percentage of anger and sadness as well.

Girl A : But.. why?! when you love someone, dont you just wan the person to smile and be the happiest person on earth? and when the someone is with you, arent u the happiest person as well?

Girl B : yup. but reality are stil reality. the world still spins no matter wat happen. humans comes with emotions and humans are very weak against stress. humans hates things which make them in the losing spot and thus, anger or sadness sets in. human tends to do things without using their tiny brain and regret in the end.

Girl A : But to me i still believe that true love overcomes all.

Girl B : True love only happens when both human totally accepted one another's way of living and handling things. It's very rare. in fact, i'd say it has extinct.

Girl A : Well, if you believe, it'll come to you one day :)

Girl B : I'm starting to stop believing..



which person is having the right definition of love? Girl A who is a die hard lover? or Girl B who stop believing in love? btw sry for the lousy story, this story was in my confuse mind. i dunno which is right now. i wan to trust and believe. but i was proven wrong. so wrong right in my face. talking about marriage without realising all this? it hurts.. thank god i did not jump right into it. i know i dun wanna lose him. but if being tgt makes him unhappy, i rather let go. i'm not good at expressing myself. which ended up confusing myself and having unnecessary ups and downs. oh well. nearly 3month.. our dreams, our future, are they crushed? hmm.. or there wasnt even "us" to begin with? lost~

it's torturous.
you think i like this life?
No i dun..
But u'd never understand.
you didnt even try..

i tend to laugh at my own life alot. tinking back on how wonderful my life was when i was a kid. with a perfect family, backgrounds, financial status.. having everything i wanted.. a well brought up little girl.. within one night, everything turns to ashes.. am missing my very first and biggest dream of being a pianist when alvin shared with me a piece by Yiruma. the song's "Kiss the rain" it's reali reali nice.. it's heartwrenching tinking that my piano dreams went down the drain thanks to my parent's failed marriage. it pains me to see other's performing on the stage so wonderfully and yet i can onli be a audience. it hurts each time i watch a concert wonderfully performed in my face.. it hurts when i cannot be the one there. musical concerts always leaves me in tears. always i'm tinking.. if i were to continued my music lessons since thn til now.. i might be a very very different person. i might be a well tempered girl who's demure and much liked by everyone else. not this ah lian (whom everyone tinks i am). it's funny how and why everytime i act so damn positive yet i'm all about negativity. haha~ wat rights do i have to preach on ppl's life? it's easy to portray a happy image.. but it's definitely very and i mean VERY VERY lonely in the inside when no one truly understands. having to hide away all my negativity and live like any happy girl is not a easy job. but al i wan is ppl ard me to feel happy. i like it when ppl see me they smile. i wouldnt mind even if they teases me as long it brings a smile on them. thus i guess i've formed this habit of acting all so positive ba. well.. the world stil spins even when we're down.. nth i can do but to accept fate as they comes :) oh well.. God i need strength.. the strength to live with this smile everyday.. the strength to hide my loneliness and unhappiness which was stolen from me. i need u once again.. i'm on a low batt already.. :(

i wish to just cry my hearts out just like a little girl..
the pains.. the pasts.. the darkness..
where's my happiness that was stolen since young?
would u pls return to me? :(