i didnt noe he can be so heartless..

thank u mr asshole.

i loved.. he didnt..

started my journey-to-recovery session with fellow ppl who cared.. was reali heart broken yet angered when i saw the scene. he can blame me all he wants.. he's no where better. come on. i'm not a idiot. i can feel too. seeing her pics at his place. not good.. seeing her pic on his fb.. not good either.. seeing him with her.. HA! bam~ it hit my limit. all these while have been blaming myself so much for watever happened.. ppl who knew told me i wasnt at fault. he's the one who didnt want to give me a status, not even a dating status. he's the one who kept hurting me by leaving and abandoning me. he's the one that made me all tired of being led on yet no status at all. sometimes, a man gotta do wat a man should do. dun leave the girl dangling if you dun love her. it hurts. it drains us off totally. when they ask "do u still love him?" my ans was "yes" i'm v firm about it. yes i'm a idiot despite being hurt so many times, being abandoned so many times.. i stil love him. dun ask me why.. perhaps i owe him in my previous life. sis ask why am i always so in-confident whenever we mention bout us. i dunno.. perhaps i always tink i'm nt good enough for him. afterall, i have always been loving him and places him on top of my priority list. have been tinking alot recently.. he never loved me. perhaps he did.. but i believe one wouldnt let go of someone if they have truly loved. and in just 5 mths, he had let go of me umpteen times.. and the scene i saw. it was fated. i swear it woke me up finally.i was al along, just a spare tyre. it's ok.. i have no guilt in this entire r/s.. i will just live my life as it is.. it's a mess to be cleared. it was a wrong move to have confessed to him. if i hadnt frm the very beginning, we would stil have been real good frens. now its all ruined. should have just keep the memories there. beautiful frenship. i'm tired.. and drained from all the emo thoughts. he left.. just let him go, iko.. it's all over..

it still hurts a hell lot..
perhaps it wil never heal..
just.. let it be..

asthma attacked after a good 20 years..
eyes swell like goldfish..
i cried too hard..

was hoping i could get drunk and concussed this entire weekend so i dun have to tink of anything. but i guess, it isnt tat easy uh? apparently, the more i wanna get drunk, the harder it is.

i've smoked more thn a pack, near 2, onli today..
i was having some wines, beers and wines..
but.. why am i stil nt drunk???

cried my hearts out while playing some worship songs.. knelt down n pray. for things to work out watever it is. sincerely asked for God's guidance and healing to come over my heart now. like RIGHT NOW!

i dun wanna wry anyone so i've been all smiley and acted happy. i'm not that strong u noe?


sudden feeling of being all alone..
sudden feeling of i'm forsaken..
sudden missing u..

p/s: all these breaks my heart. u mentioned that i can lay down my strong front infront of u. but now? sigh..

Nobody knows it but me

A beautiful and sad song which sang my heart out totally..

All we'd ever need - Lady Antebellum



Boy it's been all this time
And I can't get you off my mind
And nobody knows it but me

I stare at your photograph
Still sleep in the shirt you left
And nobody knows it but me

Everyday I wipe my tears away
So many nights I've prayed for you to say

I should've been chasing you
I should've been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
I should've said all the things that I kept inside of me
And maybe I could've made you believe
That what we had was all we'd ever need

My friends think I'm moving on
But the truth is I'm not that strong
And nobody knows it but me

And I've kept all the words you said
In a box underneath my bed
And nobody knows it but me

But if you're happy I'll get through somehow
But the truth is that I've been screaming out

I should've been chasing you
I should've been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
I should've said all the things that I kept inside of me
And maybe I could've made you believe
That what we had was all we'd ever need

I should've been chasing you
You should've been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
Oh you should've said all the things
That I kept inside of me
And maybe you could've made me believe
That what we had girl
Oh that what we had, what we had
It was all we'd ever need
It was all we'd ever need 

Nobody knows it but me.. sigh.. :(

peaceful

spent a unexpected night and day with him.
hmm.. everything seems normal and just smooth..
i didnt noe how to react, i didnt now how to handle.
but i guess things just goes as it is.
each time i tink of our rs.. i find it reali amusing..
from stranger, to colleague, to fren, to crush, to lover, to i dunno wat are we now..
a short 4mths but so many things happened.
i used to cant reali be myself infront of him.
i had this very uptight feeling when i was with him (dun ask me why i got no idea)
and it was til ytd, i realise i can reali just be myself when i was with him.
just slp in funny position i like, remove my make up show my naked face..
i just dun have to put on any act.
perhaps, i was reali tired too.. just dunno how to handle our rs and dun wanna handle anymore.
well.. today was a exceptional surprise..
usua;;y aft his place, i'd just go home on my own n thn that's it..
today, he sent me home and before that, we went to eat at bedok reservior this wawawa bistro..
dun like the idea that he doesnt wanna eat and drink beer when drives.
wat's worst, he noe i dun like him drinking especially when he's on medication and drives..
YET he stil does it. well.. i dun wanna say anything. i'm in no position anyway.
it's his life :)

out of these 4 mths, other thn my lovely bfast day, today is one wonderful day i had with him. thou the feeling is very different, but i felt peaceful, calm.. perhaps we shud just let things stay this way. i like n enjoyed his company.. totally. and i dun wanna ask for anything alr. this is enough :)

:)

gotten my result today for my accounting and management.. i screamed when i got a credit for accounting and distinction for management.. i was super happy and gina and jie was like "siao zhar bor!" i got super excited and wanted to share the excitement with u.. thn i realise.. it's too late.. yup.. i've lost u officially. just feel that we shouldnt taint our beautiful memories. just leave it as beautiful as it is. that'll do..

曾经在乎天长地久，如今只能满足曾经拥有.. 爱过了，痛过了，不想再吵了.. 让我们之间就只有那些美丽的回忆吧.. 别再去伤害我们只剩下唯一美好的东西了，好吗？ 真的很累了..
 

distract..

been trying very hard to act happy and distract myself from the pains..
met up with croy n yaggy for some sc time at starbucks..
well.. couldnt reali focus on game.. when they talk, i always was drifting away..
randomly, a fren text me "cheer up".. nearly cried :(
i know i have lost him..
but i'm stil awaitin for a miracle that he can contact me again..
it's such a small issue yet i've lost him..
i find it pretty ridiculous..
and i dun understand how can he just cut off all contacts just like that..
dun he miss me too?
are our memories that worthless to him?
i dunno.. i'm lost..

sigh..
thankfully, weekend's over.. just bury myself in work ba..
hais..

i miss u.