ahh.. been so long since i hit the buttons here :x hehe.. life has been a big roller coaster for me recently.. yr 2010 ended peacefully for me thou. wanted to party but couldnt reali get into the mood =\ on the very last day of 2010 i decided to let go of someone which i held too tightly on. afterall.. it's pointless to hold on anymore isnt it? i admit i do still misses him.. but well.. the him that i miss was someone in the past alr. he's no longer mine and no longer give a damn about my life. it's actually amazing how someone can love one so much and thn changed in one nite. this is one thing i'll never understand i guess.. but also thanks to his heartlessness, i met my love.. yea i noe i kinda sound like a bitch who can let go of a old r/s and get into a new one so soon.. a new chapter begins unknowingly and it was indeed a big surprise for me. i admit this r/s is a "too-fast-too-furious" r/s.. me n baby onli known each other for about a week or so and there we are, walking down the path of being "us" :) for the first few days, i did doubt the whole r/s was a mistake. i did tink of "aiya just play along la". but now, i'm pretty sure that i truly love him. in fact, i was shock.. he made me ignore Mr J's call. baby took away memories of "him". baby amazingly made me willing to truly love unconditionally once again. but this 2 weeks of being tgt, was reali a terrible ride for me =\ waking up to see another girl msging him "dear and muacks". goin out to drink knowing that the entire nite i'm hearing his ex gf's name. knowing that he got drunk and spill "i made the wrong choice" to someone he fell for before me. i thot i was strong enough to handle the first 2. althou i was seriously struggling with myself.. but i just wanted to make this r/s work.. i told myself and even told baby that i would act blind and deaf and just tink that i'm his one and onli one =\ well.. i guess i reached my limit when the 3rd incident happened =\ i burst out last nite. i let out all my emotions and cried terribly. but i'm glad baby did not choose to run.. we talked about all issues and i'm very very touched and glad when baby showed me wat he sent to them stating that he made his choice on me. i stopped crying and thn continued with tears of joy.. it meant so damn much to me. i was actually prepared for a negative outcome the moment i chose to confront him =\ i was prepared to let him fly. to let him go.. but he turned my world ard with his response :) althou one of the girl is seriously making me very very pissed off. but i told myself i dun wan to hate ppl. i do not wan to allow myself to turn love into hate. i just wan our r/s to stay pure. i do not wan any regrets. i'm stil trying to control thou =\ i dun hate the other girls. truthfully.. they're great girls and very very nice ppl. just that bitch alone. got bf alr stil wan underground with someone attached. fking throw girls pride and face. grr! >< i just hope baby's stand would be firm and hope everything he did is not just "for show". i know it's gonna take sometime for me to trust baby again. and it's gonna take sometime for my ache to go away. but i'm willing to go through it. i do not wanna let go without even trying anymore. i wanna make this r/s last. infact i wanna make this r/s my very last. thou it's stil early to judge.. but it's reali been so long since i last felt this way and willing to love unconditionally again. baby's not perfect.. infact if were to compare, alot other guys are better. but it's just magical when love happens isnt it? :) in my eyes, he's good enough. lets hope he wont let me down :)

it's the first time i'm holding onto a r/s so tightly despite he betrayed me.
will true love overcome betrayal?
will true love touched one's heart?
does true love even exist?

watever it is, baby iloveu :) and a huge thank you for making me ur choice *loves*

i need to get these off my head before i can seriously slp well.

Work

i dunno wanna say FML at work or wat.. i'm seriously underpaid and overworked.. i need more motivation to work! grr.. pls... give me more motivation? ><


Family

my mum never seem to believe watever i said until someone else tells her that i'm speaing the truth. why ar? i reali dun understand. and wat's best... she listens to her bf way more thn me. when i complained that she love her bf more thn me she scolded me.. but wat are her actions showing? laughs.

today is my dad's bday. i just sent a happy birthday and he replied a ty. is he disappointed or wat? lol. today is a day i dread most in my life. sigh. why cant i have a nice and warm family? :(


Friends

it seems i'm holding too tightly to this frenship i found. a forbidden frenship? hmm i dun reali noe lol. i wont blame my guy fren's gf for disliking me talk to their bf IF we're behaving too intimately.. but the fact is.. a "HEY!" also kena kp? wth? ._. not once alr.. this is happening quite frequently ard me nowadays. i've chose to gave up 2 frenship over this.. i wont hesitate to drop more frenship cos of this reason especially if the guy wei le this come and say me. a very epic example..

fren A : eh iko my gf using my acc dun pm me. i kena kp alr sia
me : i nv pm u? i onli in fam say "xxxxxx sia!"
fren A : aiya just dun talk to me there la
me : fine

nice reply uh? lol. it mean nth to me losing someone like u as a fren :)


Love

this is one topic i dun ever wanna tink about. but it just keeps repeating in my head times and times again to the extent that i'm so numb of it. everyday counting our monthsary.. wat's the point? LOL. everyday tinking "wat wil i be doing now if we're not where we are today". wat's the point again? LOL. why am i a cancer? why am i a emotional person? i dun wanna be. in my next life, i'll wanna be a taurus, aries or even capri. a much more "undreamy" horoscope. argh FML.


ok summary for this post? MY - LIFE - SUCKS.

nites

独白:你知道吗?
没有你的日子我有多想你
关喆-想你的夜

分手那天我看着你走远

所有承诺化成了句点

独自守在空荡的房间

爱与痛在我心里纠缠

我们的爱走到了今天

是不是我太自私了一点

如果爱可以重来

我会为你放弃一切


想你的夜


多希望你能在我身边


不知道你心里还能否为我改变


想你的夜


求你让我再爱你一遍


让爱再回到原点

:(

i wanna laugh the way i am born to laugh.. i wanna be the way i'm born to be.. i'm someone that cannot brings u happiness.. sorry.. but i need a true man who canprotect me from all odds.. i need a true man who can keep to his promises.. i need a true man.. to love me the way i needed..

it seems that he'll never understand the feeling of waiting for someone's call or sms every single day.. keep checking my phone every few min for 24 hr a day and for everyday.. the feeling.. sucks. he's busy.. ok it's reali so hard to get 2 min of his time a day to sms me? dropping me a msg in the morning when he wakes, go work reach home.. is that hard? sigh.. when he's with his frens he dun even care about me too. not a single msg. not a single call.. i can sms him the whole day but get not a single reply. i dunno why isit that hard.. i'm the world to him? action speaks louder :) i reali went speechless after few days of waiting. all i get this few days are a 1min duration call to tell me he's goin out. and a nudge on msn when i was slping. tat's all. nt even a single thing else. so he always complain i dun care for him enough, dun spend much time with him and dun give him much attention.. is he taking revenge now on me? by doing all these back to me? oh well.. he succeeded. my heart sank to the lowest part of the world. speechless.. reali speechless.. i dunno wanna say that i'm angry or sad.. disappointed.. very disappointed.. i'm gonna bury myself in work thn since this is the case.. dun complain about r/s drifting apart thn.. i alone doing all the waiting wont keep a r/s tgt and wont help the r/s grow stronger.. i'm a girl that needs care and concerns too. a sms isnt that hard isit? sigh.. tml gonna work full shift to help out in stock taking at the same time earn more. not gonna wish for any weekend meetups or watsoever alr. tired.. very tired.. gd nite world.

i feel lonely..
very lonely..

sigh.. i'm suddenly flooded with the thoughts of travelling again :( i wish to go japan or korea or even taiwan :( and i wish to spend a white christmas one fine yr. when can it come true? sigh.. i was looking at fares to japan and taiwan on jetstar. they aren't anywhere near cheap :( back and forth will cost bout 800 plus just the tickets alone. booking hotels wil be another bomb. i dun mind not shopping nor playing. i just wanna spend a white xmas.. sigh. when wil it actually come true? i guess i'll need at least 5k to go there if i'm gonna include playing and shopping. and of cos to bring my mum there if possible and of cos with bf. i need a good get away :( maybe i could plan for next yr's christmas ba. i noe i have to save for house n stuffs but i reali wanna have a white xmas :( how i wish i can win some lottery or lucky draw with tickets to these places :( tinking back on my days in korea reali made me sooooooooooo missing the place. i didnts play much but i'm seriously missing the atmosphere and the life pace there. it's so nice! the weather the ppl the everything! although communication seriously broke down D: i miss the bbq and the cooling weather at nite when i walk down the hotel to the 7-11. i miss the cheappppp tibits there! :x oh well.. i miss korea :( but i wan japan this time!! T.T when can my wish come true? i promise myself i will travel to japan at least once every yr when my financial and house settles down. i promise i wil give myself nice xmas and nice bday if everything goes well :D ok i'm self consoling T.T but oh well.. JIAYOU JIAYOU JIAYOU!!!

i'm beginning to look at the ppl ard me with a different view.

i honestly tink no one truly wants me to be happy. ppl ard me are all fking selfish. before i go into that. i wanna define my meaning of "truly want someone to be happy". by saying that, u should not try to change what the person likes, do, habits etc.. by saying that u wouldnt find things to quarrel with him/her no matter how big the issue is. adults dun quarrel. adults negotiate and talk things through. by saying that, you'd give everything, do everything to make the person smile. you'd love without conditions. you wont expect anything in return for what u've done.

but hell no. those whom i thought love me, wants the best for me.. are all not tinking that way at all. if they truly wants me to smile they'd keep their comments to themselves. they dunno by their casual comments it'll hurt me alot? i dun voice out doesnt mean i'm fine. i just dun wanna make things ugly. but selfish as they are they mentioned "why would i wan those i love be to happy when i'm not even happy?" oh wow. what a selfish line. do i even have to care so much for their feelings anymore? always keeping things to myself when i dun feel happy. to all my frens and my mum.. i dun like you all to comment on my r/s. i dun like u al to comment on my bf. i dun like u all to even comment on anything i like. wanna comment? can. a casual remark wil do to my ears. not in somewhere the whole world would see. i dun like to hear "i dun like him" because it hurts alot. he is what i chose and what i like. so why do u even have to comment if u like him ornt? he's not ur bf. he's mine.

i also dun like it when the one love of my life kept finding things to quarrel with me. he says i'm selfish i'm ignorant and i'm a failed gf. i admit i'm not perfect. but do u have to rub salt into my wound? is that the way of loving someone? if they're just harsh words, shouldnt an apology be done after things have cooled? i dunno.. but he sound as if he love me so much and i'm everything to him. but is it really true? if that's the case shouldnt he just wan me to smile every single day of my life? thn why pick things to quarrel? he agreed with loving unconditionally. but he's totally not doing that. if one truly love unconditionally, one wont find things to quarrel. because u wont even be able to find things to quarrel over. compromising is good. but i tink i've compromised too much. i'm no longer myself. where is the iko that's always on and happy? where's the bubbly me? where's the me that cares about all my frens and bf and family's feelings? i dun tink i'm selfish here. everytime keeping things to myself. unhappy also keep inside. to avoid quarrels i kept them in. i never dared to voice out cos i was afraid to lose anyone. nv dared to voice out cos i was afraid to hurt anyone. but now what i see is them all being selfish?

i dunno about what is true frenship, true love, true kinship anymore. i feel so lost now that everything happened just like that and i'm the one that get affected the most. losing a sister losing a bf. i noe this sister hasnt been very happy about any of my bf. none of them she liked. and none of them like her too. but i just wanted to keep things in place so i just accepted both side's words and kept them to myself. i dun wan any conflicts but ppl say 子是包不住火的.. indeed so true. this conflict reali shot out today. and indeed i'm the one that get hurt the most. if she truly wan me to be happy why'd she comment on all my bf so negatively? she dunno that it'll scare them away? seeing me breaking up reali make her happy? bringing me down with "there's no true love in this world" makes her happy? i dunno anymore if she reali care for me or just being selfishly trying to make me like her.

i tink i'm tired of accepting everyone for who they are and trying to make myself fit into everyone's life. i cannot do it. i'm not as strong as i thought. i guess it'll be best if i'm all alone. at least i dun have to face quarrels. at least i dun have to worry the roller coaster ride in my life. monotonous life is ok for me. i just wan peace. now who reali do care for me? no one :) i'm better off alone.