it's sad to be in the state where u love that person but yet have to choose other path and not be happily in love with him.. i've read alot of stuff in his blog.. it's nobody's fault.. but juz we're not meant to be.. we're too different.. lost for words.. lost in my world.. i'm tired of everything.. i'm lonely too..

OMGOMGOMG~

i'm so proud of LUSH and of cos myself ^^ we got into the finals for chingay pulse comp!! XD i can onli say the show was GREAT!! i felt so good onstage ar til my facial expression went wild lol! first time sia! and i reali didnt have the "what's the next step" kinda mentality running in my head i juz go with the music lol! fun la!!! but i bang into umsha and zairee lol =X sorry ar! =p but overall was gd la.. got video can go watch =D

i juz felt so great.. the moment before we went into the entrance, we prayed.. to our own individual god la.. i felt so united at that point of time.. everyone holding one another praying, thou in different language and in different religion.. but it's the heart that counts la.. and i was abit nervous but when some of them say "we gotta prove to the public and to P***** that lush is not lousy" and suddenly SOMEONE's face came straight into my mind..

the one who always tinks i'm lousy be it he/she's jealous or watever.. u didnt get in LALALA~ BIG FAT ORBI to u =p i'm so damn happy la.. in my mind thru out the item was "i must prove to ppl i can dance!" lol~ and i'm glad i didnt do badly whee~

and and and! mummy came wor!! lol~ after dancing for 4 bloody years she FINALLY see me dance le -.- i'm damn happy la.. ^^ and dearie came also ^^ wahh~ tink today's one of the happiest day in my life.. provided my muscle dun ache la i'll be much happier -.- lol~ pain la! my ankle overstretched and my thigh over used lol~ back also macam rock liddat pain la!

but it's al worth it ^^ and u noe wat.. god answered my prayers ^^ i prayed that i wont cock up.. i prayed that ppl wil acknowledge me.. and guess wat.. i didnt do a single mistake (yes i'm very proud lalala~) and mummy juz told me when she was watching she heard "wahh who are they? OH LUSH!!! OMG~ they're damn good.. ehh how come got chinese? wah both also very good sia!" lol!!!!!! both means me and ash~ omg~!

damn damn happy! for now and tml wil be a full rest day for me.. thn tuesday's the first day for preparation for finals XD cant wait for it man~ we settled our item liao lol~ fast ehh? =) wah i'm gonna give al out man.. have to improve my stamina and minus my fats so i can fit into the currently planned costume for finals ^^ we got a very nice costume planned but if i never slimmed down at least abit by thn, thn can forget it le lol =X wahh i cant slp la.. lol~ but damn tired.. gotta rest le.. here's a few pics =)



ya my pig leg =(

i took this when i was about to slp at nite lol =X

wonderful peaceful halloween with my dear at haagen dazs =)

hype up concert.. crazy fans of jonathan lol~ it's gd to be young man..

the funny couple -.-

air freeze?!

teacher zhenwei and student kelvin lol~ got scolded for a "air freeze" more like land freeze..

see how sweaty he is =X (it's water btw =X)

student kelvin studying his wu lin mi ji lol =X

wah wah wah~ total madness.. ytd went for lush practise.. indeed is overnite practise =\ it was fun la.. alot of burst-of-laughter happened lol~ and the BEST part is.. I INJURY MY RIGHT ANKLE!!!! X( hurhur~ cos the part where we do half split i overstretched my ankle.. T_T die liao lo.. tml how?!

drank alot alot of water lol~ of cos not forgetting the H2O with love from dearie ^^ dearie came and break abit.. so happy to see him breaking again ^^ haha~ like so damn long nv see the scene le la -.- anyway, we practise til 3plus.. thn slack there.. me and ash went to makan sutra drink water cos we terribly need chilled drinks lol~ and ate the lemon chicken..

wahh reali is heavenly la!! XD thn we went back to esplanade find them to slack cos ash was waiting for dharni.. end up dharni not coming so we left at bout 4plus.. wanted to wait for first train but tink i'll die la lol~ cant even walk =( so me and qamah took cab home.. on the way, he told me that i improve alot sia! woohoo~ XD

but he say i stil abit self conscious.. not as bad.. but stil got.. hehe.. i wil work harder!!! XD thn hakim also keep saying sorry cos he push us very hard.. but we al noe la.. it's for our own gd =) happy la~ finally everything done XD whee~ today gonna do my nails, rest my leg, maybe evening go northpoint with mummy thn come home rest.. mummy say wan treat me crab!!! wahahah~ reward sia lol~

and also this morning mummy scared me lol~ feel like i in hospital sia.. cos she woke up go work ma.. thn she suddenly rub my ankle thn massage.. i was slping thn suddenly "how come got ppl touch my leg and so painful" lol~ thn she help me bandaged it up witht he sprain type of bandage.. but even before noon, i woke up cos too pain lol~ too tight la.. so i remove it.. thn my right leg stayed stagnant thru out le lol~

muz rest man.. tml gonna give my ALL! wahaha~ cannot hai dao lush man! i'm gonna prove to certain bastards out there that even i, without the talent in dance, i, with hardwork, can be a gd dancer as well! and i'm proud of my hardwork and perseverance! and i'm proud of lush's determination! everyone was dead beat ytd.. but we went on! bit's the first time everyone dance half wa thn no energy.. but we push til the end.. it was gd.. and the feeling is WOAH~ i'm beginning to love lush so much lol =X ok i go rest le.. buai~

tml anyone coming call me yea? ^^
come come support lus at yio chu kang CC~!!

it's terrible when you try ur best (or u thot u try ur best) and yet stil make so many mistakes.. =\ lush practise today for me, wasnt as gd as sunday.. sunday, when something is taught, i can get them.. but today.. i can get none.. =\ even the last part of the first song i'm stil very fresh to it =( left 2 more practise to the actual thing.. what am i suppose to do? =(

i feel that i shouldnt have joined chingay =\ i dun wanna pull them down! after the woodlands incident.. i reali dun wanna pull them down again.. i noe i'm not a gd dancer.. what do i have? no skill, no technique.. on this pathetic passion.. this pathetic huge passion but cant do anythin much bout it.. it's not i dun wan.. but come on.. i dun have the finance to go for lessons..

i dun have the right ppl to practise with me.. ya true.. i got lush.. but their standards are already like up in the sky while i'm like flat down on ground.. if they were to spend so much time practising with me, they're not gonna improve.. i dun wan them to stay stagnant as well.. they're al very nice ppl.. they care.. they wan the best for us, for me as well.. *i'm lucky.. very very lucky**

sometimes i even wonder.. is it wrong of me to even join lush? =\ i mean.. from the beginning, their style is already soooo different from VIP.. i've never dance that kinda style in my whole lifetime.. and many ppl say "huh why u chinese go join malay crew? dun feel outcast meh?" (i'm not trying to be racist yea? if not i wont join lush =)

ya true.. indeed sometimes i feel i have no stand in lush.. sometimes i feel i'm not even the crew member.. but.. i enjoy the frenship.. i enjoy the feeling of dancing with confident ppl like them.. so wat if i am outcast? as long as i can dance.. as long as the frenship indeed is there.. wat else can i ask for more? and ALL of them are nice ppl.. nice and humble.. where can u find such nice ppl yet great dancers?

i'm truly thankful.. that's y i keep telling myself to be better.. imrpveo, improve and improve as much and as fast as i can.. so i can catch up with the pace of the crew and not pull them down.. i dun wanna let yutaki down as well.. and most imptly, my mum and myself.. mummy forbids me to dance.. cos of my injury.. doctor says "if u're gonna continue dancing, u're gonna risk being a paralyse for the rest of ur life.." but.. if u wanna stop me from dancing, i rather die..

that's wat i told mummy as well.. and i promise her i wil make it big one day.. maybe not to the extend of BIG BIG BIG.. but at least, a professional dancer? no nid to be very famous but at least a pro? but now where am i? this FAR FAR distance from my dream and my promises.. =( i've been spending 4yrs of my 19yrs of life dancing.. i dun wanna let them go down the drain.. al the sweat, tears, anger..

when on the verge of giving up and telling tapa that "i dun wanna join chingay.. and maybe i'll leave lush", dee came and reminded me things which i had always been telling others.. i reali wanted to give up.. i thot to myself "why cant i juz be a normal human? why muz i pursue this line which needs so much time and effort and get hurt like mad.. this painful road?" but thn dee said this "when the person criticise u, convert the anger into ur dance.. the more the person brings u down.. prove to him that u can be better!"

this is reali a big knock on the head for me.. thankfully for dee and mel that i'm not totally broken down now.. you noe.. it feels real gd.. when great dancers like dee and tapa say "my dancers.." (referring to me la..) tapa said "i like my girls to keep long hair.." and dee said "i dun wan my dancers to have low esteem".. i'm happy they care.. it did confort me somehow.. but i tink i need some self reflection.. i need to train more.. more more and much more..

i keep telling myself "iko if u're gonna give up now.. u're a loser.." cos i tink about ppl like Boa who train everyday mini 13hours.. i tink about ppl like lush who went thru much more shits.. i even tink about yutaki who said that himself was a lousy dancer and it took him lots of effort to be where he is today.. these moved me on..

i juz wish i'm more daring, have more self confidence and open up more.. =\ i'm known as a super no confident girll. my upbringing has nothing to do with exotic/expressive performance.. all i need to do when i was young was to sit infront of the piano and drop my fingers on them.. i dun have to carry any expression on my face nor do i need to care about my body language.. i have so much more to learn.. and i dun have the time! =(

i promise i'll be a gd dancer.. not on skill wise but on mental wise.. i respect dance and i wil give my best to it.. whether ornt i can attain those skills and techniques, reali depends on what God plans for me.. but i'll never give up dancing and i'll do my best.. i thank everyone who cared today and encouraged me.. i thank everyone who came in my life and left a mark there so can move me on.. i truly thanks the ppl who have spend time on me helping me to be better..

i noe kim meant well and i noe he's stress as the dates are coming near.. and of cos i noe everyone's rather worried bout me cos i'm not strong in dancing.. but give me time and chance wil u? i'm slowly improving.. or rather i try to improve.. al i need is time.. and chance.. will try my very best not to let lush or anyone down.. wil try my best to not pull lush down.. and most imptly will try my best to the a gd dancer..

i've wasted so much time being a slacker..
i aint gonna let it happen again..
the road is painful..
but the fruit wil be sweetest ever..
i have no talent but i have the passion and harwork..
i wil make it one day..

wahh~ very happy today ^^ feel so peaceful and contented.. went out with dearie today.. went to cine for lunch at KFC (sinful ar!) thn went for movie (deathnote).. it's a damn funny show yet intelligent lol~ i like the god of death la!!! lol~ the part where he got no apples to eat relai makes me laugh til wanna kill myself..! too funny le la! lol~

thn after the show we went to kallang for sg idol concert (Hype up 2006).. not bad la.. not a real zaii one but not bad =) i tink i admire daphne alot! lol~ i like her voice (not when she sing guys' rock song) and i like her looks.. small eyes yet nice.. ^^ thn i tink hady not bad too.. his voice.. eligible for sg idol no. 2 lol~ and taufik's voice is as gd as ever.. lol~ olinda too~

and wahh~ i miss seeing them onstage tgt sia~ it's like.. when olinda and taufik sang yue liang dai biao wo de xin that time, wahh~ the feeling of last time i chase after sg idol season 1.. lol~~~~ but the season 2 one i no interest lei =X alrite alrite lo.. very neutral.. season 1 also is cos of that sly.. -.- hais.. when he sang that song.. i thot "wah a cheater! bastard sia" cos he say the song he wrote for maia.. lol~ BULLSHIT~

anyway juz had a very relax day with dearie =) and very very contented le.. cos at least there's no unhappy things yea? =X and it's reali one full day lol~ he's in gd mood also lei lol~ but aiya.. i stil dun like him nagging la =X ok nvm.. slowly.. argh~ tml got UT~! damn it la.. math somemore.. i juz went thru the PPT.. SIAO ONE! i return everythin back to faizal le sia! =X

tml ut wil be tested on 3 topic.. the 1st, golden ratio.. that one i anyhow hamtam liao =X thn 2nd dunno wat bio somethin something one.. dunno simi sai! i nv go that day.. thn 3rd.. the problem s on fish farm.. so in al i stil dun reali noe wat we're suppose to noe =X lol~ die liao lo~ i onli noe al got to do with possibility nia.. -.- ok i go jiasai~

ahh~ tml after sch got lush practise at esp.. woohoo~ as this sunday draws near.. my heart beats faster.. tink by sunday i die le lol~ =X GAMBATE! nitey~

i'm missing him so much that i tink i'm goin crazy =( i already forgotten when was the last time we went out on a date.. =( and the worst thing is i didnt even realise i was leading a "i'm not attach" lifestyle recently.. =( i noe it's my bad for that.. but thn i never ever have this kinda things happen b4 ma.. thus i reali dunno what shud or what i shudnt do..

it's like.. i wan to call him, sms him.. but thn i scared i disturb him.. or i dun wish to hear his sian sian voice when he's stress with work.. thn end up we'll quzrrel or being unhappy =( so i chose to let him find me instead of i find him.. and be silent and wait.. but i guess i was wrong.. i made myself live the life of a unattach and made him felt lonely =(

"i'm sorry dear"

anyway during the bboy jam.. he onli came out once.. tat's y i didnt reali blog about it.. it's not i didnt care ok =( and also his battle was a "damn clear who win la" that kinda situation.. but ya la i admit his moves were nice.. but i dun reali like the part where his face is so sian before the battle =X but well.. he helped out during the organising part.. so stress.. so sian.. yup.. cant help it one la.. i understand..

well.. i'm glad he did help abit by pushing zw they al to the cypher.. if not i tink i'll be damn sian cos i thot "why as a instructor u're not pushing them while i am doin the job?" but thn i understand his point as well by "let them go themselve if not this fri they're not gonna make it" cos it's like he wan them to be more independent also la.. so i kept quiet lo..

oh well.. many thos are running in my head recently.. i felt that he's starting to be "anti social" =\ but thn maybe is his work al that stress la.. took up so much of his time.. tat's y he cant even be social to anyone.. i dun wish my bf to the type whereby he's attach and forgot al about his frens.. =\ i no wan that.. neither do i wan him to spend ALOT of time with me in the future and never get to hang out with his frens.. his fuyo.. his breaking..

i like the old larry.. the larry that's always smiling and breaking with fuyo and FTC.. the larry that sees me and smile and play ard.. the larry that hangs out with HHIG after their lessons.. even thou we may not be tgt that time.. but the sweet guy is there.. the plainly sweet and ask for nothing in return guy is there.. i noe now is his crutial time for his sch.. tat's y i dun wanna complain.. =(

kelvin ask "why he dun wan take a break one day per week?" i replied.. "is he cannot.. not he dun wan" =( i onli hope that the old frenly larry wil be back once his work is over.. the ever breaking.. ever playing larry.. i never see him frown b4 we really got to noe each other.. i never see him being unhappy before we got to know each other.. is this why ppl always say.. "when u like someone.. dun be with him if u dun wanna see the imperfection.." is it that true? i hope not.. =
missing those days.. =(

ahh~ went for bboy jam organised by vic on sat.. all was gd =) felt abit out of place la.. somehow somewhat am not a bgirl ma =X so yea.. but lucky enuff frens are al there.. lucky enuff al the "hey!" and "yo!" and "hello!" are stil as welcoming as ever and made me felt much better ^^ this is wat i like bout ppl man! being sucha frenly buncha ppl indeed made me felt gd =)

the 5bboys on my side.. walao ehh~ reali is scared til no balls -.- 5 of them.. onli 3 went out.. and out of the 3, 2 is kana "force" one walao~ how to be bboy?!?! alamak~ i also crack head dunno how to help them liao lol~ did talk to kelvin and zhenwei alot about these kinda stuffs.. hopefully somethings do get into them ba.. but i'm glad they went out for the cypher la..

1 time better thn nothing yea? =) after that we went to slack at woodlands lo.. they break til 5am lol~ thn i dance abit thn i see them break trying to create new stuff with them lol~ funny la! saw hakim and ewan.. wanted to dance with them.. but thn the rest shy la lol~ =X

and during the jam i seriously tink i respect eve alot!!! she's like damn cool la~ thou she's stil fresh and new in bboying but thn her guts to battle ar.. and her attitude towards it ROCKS!!! XD i was cheering for her til i drop man lol~ and yea dian, joycelyn were cool as ever.. dian got the sha qi sia! lol~ murderous intent =X but that's cool in a battle isnt it? =) wahhh wish i was a bgirl =( ok aint gonna tink about it anymore =X dancer is my middle name =D

thn on sunday, went for lush practise at esply.. wahh~ finally finish learning like 80% of the steps le.. left with the transition and formation.. am freaking happy la XD and the sweat woohoo~ missing those days when i sweat everyday thru dancing man~ it's a gd workout for my weak body ^^ and also.. i aim to be at least have a flat tummy by 31dec so that during countdown performance can show my flat tummy instead of a united nations lol~

and i seriously can see abit of the effect le sia! lol~ at least it's not the soft and bubbly type le.. XD i wan my many countries on my tummy!!! XD ok i'm mad.. ytd practise was reali shiok til nothing to say lol~ hakim cleaned our lines for the 1st song and woohoo~ i feel muscles lol~ i'm al set for sunday's comp man~ XD freakin excited now siak~ wahaha~ it's gonna be my big day.. first comp ever with lush.. gotta bake it a gd one!

ppl~ come down to support me yea? XD juz ring me alrite? omgomgomg~ i'm so excited XD